How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

How do you know if you're in an unhealthy relationship?  Being objective about whether or not your relationship is healthy for you can be complicated when you're in love and sexually attracted to someone. 

You might overlook certain red flags in your relationship.  This is especially true if you were raised in a family where there was a high level of dysfunction and conflict. 

    See my articles: 

Relationships: Are You Attracted to People Who Hurt You?

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Choosing Healthier Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

To avoid getting into an unhealthy relationship, it's important to date someone long enough to get to know him or her before you both decide that you're in a committed relationship (see my article: Dating vs. Being in a Relationship: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

Signs That You're in an Unhealthy Relationship
Here are some red flags to be aware of:

• Excessive Jealousy:  If you know that you've been faithful to your partner, but your partner exhibits excessive jealousy or s/he is accusing you of cheating, this is a significant red flag that your partner is insecure and possessive and that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This type of problem rarely, if ever, gets better on its own (see my article: Overcoming the Jealousy and Insecurity That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Controlling Behavior: Related to excessive jealousy, your partner might not exhibit controlling behavior at first, but this can develop later on in the relationship.  Controlling behavior includes your partner telling you where you can go, who to socialize with, when to come home, what to wear, and so on.  This type of behavior tends to get worse over time, so if your partner is trying to control you, you know you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my articles: Relationships: Is It Kindness or Controlling Behavior?).

• Problems With Anger Management: If your partner has problems controlling his or her temper, this is a sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship, especially if your partner refuses to get help.  Problems with anger management include problems with verbal and/or physical aspects of anger management (shouting, making demeaning remarks, breaking things, threatening you, threatening people who are close to you, and so on).

• Emotional Blackmail:  If your partner uses emotional blackmail to control you, this is a sign that you're in a dysfunctional relationship.  For instance, if you and your partner get into an argument and, to get back at you, s/he stops speaking to you, this is emotional blackmail.  This is not the same as when a partner needs a temporary time out to regroup and then comes back to discuss whatever you were disagreeing about.  This is a deliberate form of manipulation to punish you or to get his or her way (see my article: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Blackmail).

• Gaslighting/Manipulation: When someone uses gaslighting, s/he is attempting to deliberately manipulate you to make you think that you're the problem.  When someone engages in gaslighting, s/he knows that s/he is attempting to manipulate.  It's not just a matter that s/he has a different opinion from the partner.  People who engage in gaslighting are often narcissistic and some of them are sociopathic.  This is a sure sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

• Addiction: If your partner is abusing substances or engaging in other addictive behavior and s/he refuses to get help, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Addictive behavior includes excessive drinking, abusing drugs, compulsive gambling, compulsive overspending, sexual compulsivity, compulsive overeating, and so on (see my article: Recovery: Understanding Cross Addiction - Substituting One Addiction For Another).

• Codependent Behavior: Codependent behavior occurs when one or both partners enable the other's unhealthy behavior.  A typical example of this would be if a partner makes excuses for his or her partner's addictive behavior.  This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and both people need to be willing to work on their issues in therapy to develop healthier ways of relating to each other (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

• Secrecy and/or Lying: If you're in a relationship with someone who is secretive and doesn't share what's going on with him or her emotionally and socially and/or your partner lies to you, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  This is another problem that doesn't usually change without help (see my articles: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship? and When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

• Infidelity: If your partner is cheating on you and s/he refuses to get help in therapy, you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Aside from the emotional pain that infidelity causes, it also creates mistrust and it's often hard to get trust back.  This is not to say that everyone should leave a partner who cheated.  Some couples are able to work through infidelity in individual therapy or in couples therapy.  But if your partner refuses to get help, there is little to no chance that your trust can be restored (see my article: Gaslighting and Infidelity).

• Physical, Emotional and Sexual Abuse: Any form of physical, emotional or sexual abuse is unacceptable and a definite sign that you're in an unhealthy relationship.  Abuse often escalates and gets worse over time.  Your primary concern should be your own safety and well-being.

The items on the above list are some of the most significant signs that you're in an unhealthy relationship, but there might be other signs as well.

Conclusion
I believe that most people know deep down when they're in an unhealthy relationship, but they choose to overlook red flags for any number of reasons.  Denial can also be a strong defense mechanism with regard to not wanting to see the red flags.

Sometimes, people who overlook red flags don't feel good about themselves and they believe that if they let go of the relationship that they're in, they won't find another relationship.  Other people engage in wishful thinking that things will get better on their own, but that rarely happens without help (see my article: Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think you're in an unhealthy relationship and you're having problems recognizing it or taking steps to preserve your own well-being, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy from an objective clinical professional is an important first step to taking care of yourself and making important decisions for yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Times

Managing our emotions during stressful times can be challenging.  There are many situations where managing emotions can be challenging:

Family Stressors Can Challenge Our Ability to Manage Our Emotions
Family-related stress can also challenge our ability to contain our emotions.  For instance, a friend, Lisa (not her real name) was recently telling me how she was dreading an upcoming visit from her mother-in-law.  According to Lisa, her mother-in-law is constantly giving unsolicited advice to Lisa on just about everything--cooking, childrearing, bargain hunting, you name it.

Managing Your Emotions During Stressful Situations

Lisa is afraid she won't be able to manage her anger about what she feels is subtle criticism from her mother-in-law.  It doesn't matter what topic they're discussing, according to Lisa, her mother-in-law is a self-proclaimed expert.  Lisa says she has tried in subtle and tactful ways to tell her mother-in-law that they each seem to have their own ways of doing things.  But Lisa says her mother-in-law still insists that she knows the "right way" and she doesn't let up.  Lisa says that whenever this happens, her husband suddenly has "selective hearing" and tunes his mother out, leaving Lisa to deal with her on her own.

Learning to Contain and Manage Our Emotions is a Skill
Learning to contain and manage our emotions is a skill.  We learn this skill over time from the time we're children.  Infants want what they want and they want it now.  They haven't developed the skills to manage their emotions.

Under favorable circumstances, parents are attuned to their child and respond in optimal ways so that the child gets what s/he needs and learns, over time, that they're not always going to get what they want, like a new toy or being allowed to stay up late on a school night.  Children often test the limits with their parents and parents need to learn to set limits in a reasonable way.  Over time, under optimal circumstances, children learn how to tolerate reasonable amounts of frustration, so that when they're adults, they're not reacting emotionally whenever they get upset.

In successful therapy, psychotherapy clients learn to develop a greater capacity for emotional containment so that they can manage their emotions with a degree of self control.  Containment is different from stifling our feelings.  When you stifle your feelings, you're suppressing your emotions.  Rather than acknowledging and containing your emotions, you're pushing them down.  If this is your usual pattern, you risk developing a psychophysiological disorder (e.g., migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, body aches, etc) because the emotions remain stored in the body and can create physical problems.

When you contain your emotions, you're not disavowing them.  On the contrary, your acknowledging and observing your emotions in a mindful way, but you're able to manage them.  Hopefully, if you frequently find yourself in situations where you have to contain your emotions (like, dealing with a difficult boss), you have other outlets, whether this is going to the gym, doing yoga, journaling, or talking to supportive friends.

But none of us are perfect, and even the most tolerant, emotionally mature and flexible person can lose it during stressful times.  If this isn't a usual pattern, all we can do during those rare occasions is forgive ourselves and make amends with whoever was affected by our inability to manage our emotions.  Needless to say, I'm not talking about extreme behaviors like physical violence.

There was a time when people were encouraged to express their anger and other unpleasant feelings as a form of catharsis.  Now we know that allowing ourselves to yell, scream and carry on, as a way to let go of our negative emotions, is actually unhealthy.  It might feel good at the moment (for you, but not for those around you), but it does nothing in terms of teaching you how to manage your emotions and develop emotional maturity.  On the contrary, it's more like allowing yourself to have a temper tantrum similar to a two year old.

Stressful times, whether it's the stress of the holidays or the stress of difficult in-laws, tests our ability to   be emotionally mature in terms of how we handle ourselves.  Rather than letting lose with a temper tantrum, it's much more healthy for you and those around you to take a deep breath, go for a walk, tell yourself "this too shall pass" or whatever works to help you manage and contain difficult emotions.

In the long run, you build greater resilience if you learn to develop the important skill of emotional containment.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Exeriencng therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Aging: Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change" Mindset

I'm continually amazed when I hear people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s (sometimes even 30s) say they feel they're "too old to change." 

On the other hand, I know people in their 80s and 90s, who are in good health, who look forward to learning new languages, taking classes at their local college, taking up a new hobby, or having new and interesting experiences. 

I had a well-respected colleague in my Somatic Experiencing training who was in her mid-80s, and she was ready to change her traditional way of thinking and working with psychotherapy clients based on her experiences in the training. So, clearly the willingness and ability to change is not dependent upon age.

Aging: Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change: Mindset

The "I Can't Change" Mindset
So, why do many people say they can't change because of their age? I suspect it has more to do with a particular mindset that probably develops before someone turns a particular age. This "I can't change" mindset often starts at an early age due to fear and insecurity. Blaming this fear on age becomes an excuse not to overcome this problem.

For some people, it's a deep seated personality problem. For other people, they grew up in families where their parents, grandparents, and beyond were too afraid to make changes so they learned that changing was scary and something to be avoided. Sometimes, when this fear of change is really ingrained, the person might try to cover it up by trying to make it seem like it's an admirable quality rather than a problem, and they cover up their fear defensively, like a "badge of honor." Meanwhile, most people around them (outside of their family) can see through this defensive grandiosity. It's a little like "The Emperor's New Clothes."

The following fictionalized composite vignette is an example of this type of dynamic. All identifying information has been changed:

John:
John grew up in a traditional family. At a young age, he began having problems in school due to undiagnosed ADHD and learning disabilities. His parents, who were very rigid in their thinking, became angry when John's teacher suggested that he might have undiagnosed problems. Even when she tried to explain to them that he had problems focusing in class, poor impulse control, problems with anger management, and dyslexia, they refused to believe it. They refused to allow the teacher to set up any assistance for John. Instead, they tried to drill his lessons into him, which caused him to feel very ashamed.

John spent most of his life trying to hide his problems from others. He became a bully as a way to hide his deep sense of shame and insecurity. In college, rather than getting help, which would have meant changing, he would get his girlfriend to write papers for him or he'd pay someone to do it. Throughout his life, he associated change with dread and he always looked for ways to get around making changes. When he was forced to change, it was extremely hard for him.

After he got married and had children, his oldest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD. John's wife, who was a no-nonsense type of person, told John that their daughter needed help. She brought her to a therapist who specialized in ADHD and also got her help for the daughter's learning disabilities. John was faced with having to learn about ADHD and learning disabilities for the first time in his life. As he read the book about ADHD that his daughter's therapist recommended, he couldn't help seeing that he had many of the same symptoms. But, for him, it was one thing for his daughter to get help and a completely different thing for him to consider getting help.

When he was around his wife, John managed to bite his tongue whenever he felt like he was going to explode in rage. She was clearly in charge at home, and he was intimidated by her. He feared she'd leave him if he ever unleashed the full fury of his temper with her. But his attitude at work was different. By the time he was in his 50s, he supervised several employees and he would bully them and lose his temper with them. He was bored with his job and he would spend a lot of time fantasizing about retirement. But his wife told him, in no uncertain terms, that she wouldn't hear of him retiring until he was at least in his mid-60s. John fumed inwardly about this, but he didn't dare challenge her. Instead, he took it out on his staff, yelling at them and talking to them in a demeaning way.

Then, one day, one of his employees filed a complaint against him, and the human resources department did an investigation. When they interviewed John's staff, everyone backed the employee who filed the complaint. They each told how John would loose his temper and speak to them in an unprofessional and disrespectful way--even after they told him that his behavior made them uncomfortable. When the head of human resources met with John, she gave him of choice of either getting help or losing his job. John felt as humiliated then as he did in school when his teacher told his parents that he needed help. But rather than admit that he was wrong, he told her, "I'm too old to change." She responded by telling him to talk about the consequences with his wife and to get back to her the next day.

When John's wife heard the story, she became livid and told him that he'd better get help because if he lost his job, she's take their daughter and leave him. Their marriage was not ideal, and he wasn't even sure he still loved his wife, but the thought of being alone terrified him more than the possibility of getting help and trying to change how he related to his staff. 

Overcoming the "I'm Too Old to Change" Mindset

So, grudgingly, he began therapy with a therapist who specialized in helping people with ADHD learn better coping skills. He also learned how his family background and his shame about his ADHD and learning disabilities contributed to his fear of change. And, if for no other reason than to keep his job and preserve his marriage, he learned to control his temper with his staff.

As we can see from this vignette, there are often underlying emotional reasons why people say, "I'm too old to change." Until someone is ready to change or they're forced to change, this becomes an excuse to stay stuck. An unwillingness to change often makes life dull and unrewarding with nothing to look forward to any more. It can also create problems in personal or work-related relationships. So, before you try to convince others (or yourself) that you're too old to change, think carefully about what this will mean for yourself and your loved ones.

Being flexible and adaptable makes for a much happier and interesting life as opposed to being rigid and stubborn.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services for individuals and couple, including dynamic talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing.

I've helped many people to overcome their fear of changing, regardless of their age, so they could lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

When clients come to see me about work stressors, one of the most common complaints I hear is that they work in stressful and negative work environments with bullying managers. In addition to hearing about bullying managers, I also see clients who are in managerial positions who feel frustrated with employees. 

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

There's no doubt that managers often have to deal with difficult employees. However, very often, these same managers have no insight into how their negative style of management and communication affects their dynamic with employees.

A Bullying Management Style Creates a Negative Work Environment

One of the biggest mistakes managers make with employees is having dictatorial or bullying style of management. Managers who are bullies usually think the only way they can get their employees to work is through intimidation. They create a negative work environment by treating their employees like they're children. Often, they have no awareness or insight that this is what they're doing until we begin discussing in their therapy sessions why their employees seem unmotivated and less effective than employees in other units.

Bullying Often Results From Emotional Security 

More often than not, their own emotional insecurity is what drives their bullying style of management. They don't feel confident that they can get the best from their employees unless they use their position of authority to try to infantilize their workers. Without a doubt, this creates resentment, which leads to a demoralized and unmotivated staff. Not only is it counterproductive with regard to what the manager is trying to accomplish, at times, in the worst case scenarios, it can lead to lawsuits for the manager and the company in the more egregious cases. It's usually a lose-lose situation.

Bullying is an Ineffective Management Style

In the short term, a bullying or negative manager might be able to intimidate employees to do what he or she wants, especially during this protracted recession where there's a shortage of jobs. But, in the long term, bullying and intimidating employees is not an effective way of creating a productive and positive work environment. And, even for the most hard boiled manager, who might not care if the work environment is positive or not, it's usually not effective with regard to advancing his or her own career with senior management if the manager perceived as someone who bullies employees.

So, if this negative and punitive style of management tends to be ineffective in the long run, why do certain managers persist in doing it? Well, there are so many reasons that one blog post is insufficient. But one reason, as I mentioned previously, is that this style usually comes from a deep sense of personal inadequacy. The bullying manager tries to cover up his or her emotional insecurities by trying to intimidate subordinates.

Bullying and "Divide and Conquer" Tactics

Another reason is that, rather than taking the long view with regard to creating a positive work environment, which requires more of an effort as compared to barking out orders to employees, the bullying manager is short sighted. His or her goals are short term. Rather than focusing on team building, the bullying manager will often engage in "divide and conquer" tactics among employees. These managers often have deep seated fears that creating a team approach would lead to a "mutiny" against him or her.

The Bullying Boss as "Lord of the Manor"

Lack of the appropriate skill set and inexperience are also contributing factors that contribute to a bullying style of management. Often, the inexperienced or unskilled manager feels that the only thing he or she has to rely on is the managerial title. He or she behaves like the "lord of the manor" engaging in a feudal style of management. Too often, senior management doesn't invest the time, money or effort involved with training these managers. As a result, a bullying manager often relies on the only thing he or she knows when it comes to authority relationships--the parent-child relationship. Of course, this leads to resentment. In the worst case scenarios, it leads to sabotage, both overt and covert.

Bullying Managers and Personality Disorders

Bullying managers often have personality disorders where they come across as inconsistent, verbally provocative, unable to manage their anger, engaging in black and white thinking and, in the worst cases, being emotionally unstable. When a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality, is involved, this is a much more serious problem. A manager who lacks expertise in managing employees, theoretically, can go for training. But a manager who has a personality disorder needs professional psychological help. In companies where there are numerous complaints about a bullying manager, senior management will often mandate this manager to seek professional help or risk losing his or her job.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have a bullying style of management and training has not been effective in helping you to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. 

If you're motivated to do the personal work required to change, you can work through the underlying issues that contribute to an ineffective, bullying style of management.

If you're an employee who has a bully for a boss, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional, especially if this situation is triggering old unresolved trauma, to feel empowered to take action.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Breakup: When the Need for Closure Turns into Harassment

Breaking up is almost never easy, especially for the person who wants to reconcile the relationship. For many people, there are times when the breakup of their relationship comes as a shock. For those people, who thought their relationship was going well, when they hear their spouses or partners tell them that it's over, the words land on them like a ton of bricks. It seems incomprehensible and unreal--as if they're stuck in a nightmare.

The Breakup: When the Need For Closure Turns into Harassment 

Years later, in hindsight, some people say that there were signs all along that the relationship was not gong well, but they were in denial and didn't see it. 

Many others, even with the benefit of hindsight, say there were no signs that their partners were unhappy. Either way, the end of a relationship can be traumatic, even when it's mutual. 

But when it's not a mutual decision, the person who wants to continue in the relationship often feels abandoned and wants very much to understand what happened and have a sense of closure about the breakup. 

However, the need for closure, especially when the partner who is leaving is not open to further discussion, sometimes leads to desperate attempts (by the partner being left) for a discussion, an explanation, maybe there's even some attempts at bargaining that they'll change whatever the other partner didn't like.

But how do you do you know when you've crossed the line from a need for closure into a form of harassment?

The following is a list of signs that you (or your partner) have crossed the line and are engaging in harassment. There are countless other forms of behavior that would be considered harassment, so this list gives you an idea, but it's not exhaustive:

• Making endless calls and leaving numerous voicemail messages to your former partner, after s/he told you not to call any more
• Showing up at your ex's house uninvited (and unwanted) after the breakup to discuss, plead, or argue
• Calling your ex at his/her job numerous times after you've been asked to stop
• Showing up at your ex's workplace uninvited (and unwanted) after the breakup
• Waiting around at places that you know your ex typically frequents in an effort to see your ex or talk when you know your ex doesn't want you there
• Sending numerous email messages either begging, threatening or arguing about the breakup
• Threatening to reveal information about your ex to your ex's family, employer, friends or others that you know would be embarrassing, jeopardizing your ex's job or other relationships
• Divulging confidential information that you know will be harmful to your ex or talking badly about your ex to people who could use the information against your ex
• Running up credit cards that are in your former partner's name as a form of retaliation for the breakup
• Damaging your ex's property (this can involve his/her car, home or other possessions)
• Stalking or following your ex, your ex's family, friends or new partner
• Calling your ex's relatives, friends, employer or new partner as a form of retaliation
• Making false police reports against your ex (e.g., making a false report of domestic violence)
• Making false reports of child abuse regarding your ex to the local bureau of child welfare

Needless to say, any form of violence towards your ex, your ex's family, friends or new partner is considered an assault and it's a crime.

You should be aware that many of the items on the above list are legally actionable, your ex can file a police report against you and, possibly obtain an order of protection. In some cases, you might be arrested, especially if you persist.

Although breaking up is almost never easy, the vast majority of people eventually grieve the loss, accept the breakup and don't engage in harassing behavior. After a period of time and, sometimes, with the help of psychotherapy, most people heal from the heart break and move on with their lives.

But for some people, the breakup can trigger strong emotions, often, of unresolved feelings of abandonment from their family of origin. When this occurs, the anger and sadness can be intense and overwhelming to bear. But this is never an excuse to harass your ex or people close to your ex.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find that you're stuck in an obsessive cycle of angry thoughts or compulsive or harassing behaviors related to your breakup, you should seek the help of a licensed mental health professional before it's too late. 

Most experienced psychotherapists have dealt with these issues before, and you don't need to feel embarrassed to seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.