Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

In an ideal world, couples would work out the end of their relationship in a mutually respectful way that would allow for closure.  While this is possible for some couples, for many couples this isn't possible, for a variety of reasons, and each person in the former relationship has to find closure in his or her own way (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

In a situation that is volatile or when one or both people feel unable or unwilling to communicate with each other, closure might not be possible for the couple.  But most of the time, people feel a need for closure and it becomes frustrating when this isn't possible.  It can also prolong the grieving process after the breakup.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario which is representative of one of these situations:

Ina and Ted
Ina and Ted were in a relationship for five years.  They lived together for the last three years.

Although they loved each other very much, one of their ongoing problems was that Ted didn't like to talk about his feelings and he became impatient when Ina wanted to talk about her feelings or about the relationship.

Ina felt very frustrated by Ted's refusal to talk about feelings, and he felt annoyed by Ina's need to talk  (see my article:  Are Your Emotional Needs Being Met in Your Relationship?).

Ina was aware that Ted came from a family where the only emotion that was expressed was anger.  Ted's father was especially volatile when he got angry and, although he never hit Ted, Ted was frightened by his father's angry outbursts.

He also grew up being frightened by his own anger or any strong emotions that he experienced.  Whenever he experienced a strong emotion, his first impulse was to push it down.

It took Ted a while to tell Ina that he loved her, and throughout their relationship, it still made him feel uncomfortable.

Since Ted wouldn't allow any strong emotions, after five years, the relationship felt "flat" to Ina.  When she tried to talk to Ted about this, he walked into another room.

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

A few days later, Ina came home and she was shocked to discover that all of Ted's possessions were gone.  At first, she thought they had been robbed.  But when she saw that many valuable items were still in the apartment and all of her things were still there, she realized that he had moved out without a word.  There was no message--not even a note.

Ina tried to call Ted on his cellphone and at his work number, but he didn't pick up and he didn't respond to her messages.

Although she knew that Ted didn't like to deal with strong emotions, she couldn't believe that he would end the relationship this way.  She still loved him, and she hoped that they would be able to work things out.

After a few days, he sent her a text in which he told her that she needed to "move on" with her life because things weren't working out between them.

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

Ina was shocked, angry and hurt that, after five years, this is all he had to say to her and that he was saying it in a text message.

She tried, in vain, to get Ted to speak with her, but he resisted all of her efforts.

Not knowing what else to do, Ina started therapy because she felt overwhelmed by the breakup, how it occurred and that Ted refused to speak with her.  She knew he wasn't communicative about his feelings, but she never would have guessed that he would do something like this.

Ina found herself ruminating about what might have happened that caused Ted to break off their relationship in this way.

She felt a rapport with her therapist and felt safe being vulnerable in therapy.  She realized that she really missed feeling heard and understood in her relationship.

After a few weeks in therapy, Ina admitted that the relationship had been on the rocks for a while and it was bound to end.  But she still felt a need to have closure.  She would have preferred to have closure with Ted, but she knew that this wasn't going to be possible.

In her therapy sessions, her therapist asked Ina to imagine talking to Ted about her feelings and to say out loud what she was feeling.

At first, Ina felt awkward doing this, but as she opened up, she felt how freeing it was to express her feelings "to Ted" (even though he wasn't really there).  She told him how hurt she was and how disappointed she felt that he ended their relationship this way and refused to speak with her.

As she expressed her feelings, she had a realization that, all along, she had been asking Ted to do something that he was incapable of doing--to listen to her express her feelings and for him to express how he felt.

On some level, she always knew this, but when she spoke out loud, as if Ted was in the room with her, she had a deep awareness of it.

In time, this helped Ina to inwardly forgive Ted, even though they never spoke again.  Realizing that he was incapable of doing what she wanted and needed allowed her to let go of her anger.

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

Over the next several months, Ina felt that she was able to have her own sense of closure about the breakup in therapy, and she realized what she needed emotionally in her next relationship (see my article: Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Conclusion
There are many reasons why closure isn't possible within a relationship.

The scenario above presents one example, but there are numerous reasons.

Just because you can't have closure within the relationship doesn't mean that you can't have closure within yourself.

Even when two people are able to talk about the end of their relationship, one or both people might still feel that there's no closure.

Sometimes, one person in the relationship can use the idea of closure in order to maintain contact with the other person and this can lead to a form of harassment (see my article:  Breakup: When Closure at the End of a Relationship Leads to Harassment).

Therapy allows for another possibility for closure.

Getting Help in Therapy
Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to have closure around the end of a relationship even when you can't have closure with your ex (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

This doesn't mean that all the loose ends are tied up in a neat bow or that it will be quick or easy, but it does mean that you can emotionally heal without being in a protracted state of grief after a breakup.

If you're going through a breakup and you need emotional support, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

Friends and family might be supportive, but they're not trained to help you to work through your sadness, anger and grief (see my article: Talking to a Psychotherapist Is Different From Talking to a Friend).

Getting help in therapy can allow you to heal emotionally.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Breakup: When the Need for Closure Turns into Harassment

Breaking up is almost never easy, especially for the person who wants to reconcile the relationship. For many people, there are times when the breakup of their relationship comes as a shock. For those people, who thought their relationship was going well, when they hear their spouses or partners tell them that it's over, the words land on them like a ton of bricks. It seems incomprehensible and unreal--as if they're stuck in a nightmare.

The Breakup: When the Need For Closure Turns into Harassment 

Years later, in hindsight, some people say that there were signs all along that the relationship was not gong well, but they were in denial and didn't see it. 

Many others, even with the benefit of hindsight, say there were no signs that their partners were unhappy. Either way, the end of a relationship can be traumatic, even when it's mutual. 

But when it's not a mutual decision, the person who wants to continue in the relationship often feels abandoned and wants very much to understand what happened and have a sense of closure about the breakup. 

However, the need for closure, especially when the partner who is leaving is not open to further discussion, sometimes leads to desperate attempts (by the partner being left) for a discussion, an explanation, maybe there's even some attempts at bargaining that they'll change whatever the other partner didn't like.

But how do you do you know when you've crossed the line from a need for closure into a form of harassment?

The following is a list of signs that you (or your partner) have crossed the line and are engaging in harassment. There are countless other forms of behavior that would be considered harassment, so this list gives you an idea, but it's not exhaustive:

• Making endless calls and leaving numerous voicemail messages to your former partner, after s/he told you not to call any more
• Showing up at your ex's house uninvited (and unwanted) after the breakup to discuss, plead, or argue
• Calling your ex at his/her job numerous times after you've been asked to stop
• Showing up at your ex's workplace uninvited (and unwanted) after the breakup
• Waiting around at places that you know your ex typically frequents in an effort to see your ex or talk when you know your ex doesn't want you there
• Sending numerous email messages either begging, threatening or arguing about the breakup
• Threatening to reveal information about your ex to your ex's family, employer, friends or others that you know would be embarrassing, jeopardizing your ex's job or other relationships
• Divulging confidential information that you know will be harmful to your ex or talking badly about your ex to people who could use the information against your ex
• Running up credit cards that are in your former partner's name as a form of retaliation for the breakup
• Damaging your ex's property (this can involve his/her car, home or other possessions)
• Stalking or following your ex, your ex's family, friends or new partner
• Calling your ex's relatives, friends, employer or new partner as a form of retaliation
• Making false police reports against your ex (e.g., making a false report of domestic violence)
• Making false reports of child abuse regarding your ex to the local bureau of child welfare

Needless to say, any form of violence towards your ex, your ex's family, friends or new partner is considered an assault and it's a crime.

You should be aware that many of the items on the above list are legally actionable, your ex can file a police report against you and, possibly obtain an order of protection. In some cases, you might be arrested, especially if you persist.

Although breaking up is almost never easy, the vast majority of people eventually grieve the loss, accept the breakup and don't engage in harassing behavior. After a period of time and, sometimes, with the help of psychotherapy, most people heal from the heart break and move on with their lives.

But for some people, the breakup can trigger strong emotions, often, of unresolved feelings of abandonment from their family of origin. When this occurs, the anger and sadness can be intense and overwhelming to bear. But this is never an excuse to harass your ex or people close to your ex.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find that you're stuck in an obsessive cycle of angry thoughts or compulsive or harassing behaviors related to your breakup, you should seek the help of a licensed mental health professional before it's too late. 

Most experienced psychotherapists have dealt with these issues before, and you don't need to feel embarrassed to seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.