What Are the Pros and Cons of Rebound S£x After a Breakup?

According to Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., social psychologist and sex researcher, there are pros and cons to having rebound sex after a breakup (see my article:  The Problem With Rebound Relationships).

What is Rebound Sex?

Rebound sex is sexual activity with someone new to get over a breakup.  The objective is to get over an ex by having sex with someone else.

Rebound Sex

This can involve hooking up for a one-night stand with someone you have no intention of seeing again. It can be with someone you start dating after you go through a relationship breakup. It might also involve having casual sex with one of your ex-partners.

According to Dr. Lehmiller, rebound sex is more likely to occur, on average, about a month after the breakup.  He describes rebound sex as being a short term coping strategy.  

He also indicates that rebound sex is much more likely to occur if you were the one who was left behind (i.e., your partner broke up with you).

What Are the Pros and Cons of Rebound Sex?

According to Dr. Lehmiller's article in Psychology Today, while there is nothing inherently right or wrong about rebound sex, there are pros and cons depending upon the circumstances and context which can make a big difference about whether it's a positive or negative experience for you.

Pros

• Under the right circumstances and in the right context, rebound sex can be a confidence booster.

• Similarly, rebound sex can, potentially, help you to move on from a breakup (if context and circumstances are right).

Cons

• If the context and circumstances aren't right for you, you might regret having rebound sex. For instance, if you were drunk or impaired by drugs, you might have regrets afterward.  This can lower your sense of self confidence.

• If you regret having rebound sex, you might find yourself missing your ex even more intensely than before (this isn't mentioned in the Psychology Today article, but it has been my clinical experience that when clients have regrets about rebound sex, they often long for their ex, who is known and familiar).

• If rebound sex involves feelings of revenge against an ex, you might be left with regrets and unresolved feelings.

Clinical Vignettes

The following brief clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases with all identifying information changed, are examples of the pros and cons of rebound sex:

Pros

    Alice

After Alice's boyfriend of three months broke up with her, she wanted to start dating again, but she wasn't emotionally available enough to even consider getting into a serious relationship.  So, when she met Bill at a bar about a month after her breakup, she could feel they were both sexually attracted to each other and she explained her situation to him. She was honest about only wanting to have casual sex with him. Bill responded by telling her that he was just out of a long term relationship and he wasn't looking for anything serious.  

Rebound Sex: Alice and Bill

Both of them were sober and in the right state of mind to make responsible sexual decisions. So, they went back to Alice's place and had a passionate night of sex.  By the next morning, Alice felt sexually desirable again in a way she had not felt in a long time. She also felt a boost to her self confidence. Bill told her that he felt great the next morning.  After that, they met a few more times to have casual sex, but they mutually decided not to continue seeing each other because, other than sex, they had very little in common.  They both dated other people and remained friendly whenever they ran into each other. They both felt the rebound sex they had with each other helped them to move on from their breakups.

Cons

    John

After John's wife, Beth, left him in their sixth year of marriage, John was in a state of despair.  He had no awareness that Beth was so unhappy that she would end their marriage, so it came as a shock to him. Two weeks after the breakup, John felt inconsolable.  Even before the breakup, he didn't know how to handle uncomfortable emotions, so he didn't feel equipped to handle the sadness and pain that came up for him. 

Rebound Sex: John and Nina

Not knowing what to do with his emotions, he turned to alcohol and got drunk every night for two weeks.  During that time, while he was in a drunken stupor, he called Nina, a woman he dated briefly before he got married and they spent the weekend together having sex. Nina was also Beth's former college roommate.  John wanted revenge against Beth so he secretly hoped that Nina, who had unresolved issues with Beth, would tell Beth about their weekend together as a way to get back at Beth. He wanted Beth to feel as much pain as he did when she left him.  But by the time he sobered up and he realized that Nina had feelings for him and she hoped they would get back together, he knew he had made a mistake because he didn't tell Nina that this was just rebound sex and he had no intention of getting back with her. He felt even worse when Beth called him and told him that Nina told her that she and John had sex. Beth told him she couldn't believe he would act out this way to hurt her. Then, he felt even worse and regretted having rebound sex.

Communicate Openly and Honestly With Rebound Sex Partners

As these two vignettes illustrate, it's important to be open and honest with your partner about what you want when you want rebound sex as illustrated in the vignette about Alice.

You want to make sure you and the other person are in agreement that you both only want casual sex and neither of you is looking for anything more, which was also illustrated in the vignette about Alice.

If you don't communicate honestly, there's the potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings as illustrated in the vignette about John.

Don't have rebound sex to get revenge on your ex because everyone involved might get hurt, which was also illustrated in the vignette about John.

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times, especially after a breakup, when you might not know what you want.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to explore your feelings and make choices that are right for you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help with a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Revenge Porn and How Can You Prevent It?

Revenge porn has become a serious problem over the last several years.  In this article I'll define revenge porn and what you can do to take care of yourself if this happens to you.

Revenge Porn

What is Revenge Porn?

Revenge porn is usually defined as sharing sexually explicit photos of someone to shame or humiliate them.

The usual scenario is that when someone in a relationship wants to end it, the other person either threatens to share sexually explicit photos with others or on social media as a way to get back at the individual who wants to end the relationship.

These threats are also made as form of coercion where the partner who is making the threats hopes to prevent the breakup.

The person who threatens or who actually shares sexually explicit photos wants to frighten, control, and embarrass the other person and cause emotional pain.

Why Do People Engage in Revenge Porn?

Generally speaking, the person who is angry about being left wants to hurt the partner because s/he feels hurt, abandoned and angry about being left.  It's a way to get back at their ex.  This is not an excuse to condone this behavior.  It's an explanation for the behavior.

Some people who make these threats might hope that the threats will keep their partner from leaving or, if they have already broken up, they might hope that it will force the ex to get back in the relationship.  This is obviously a very serious form of manipulation.  

Note:  In New York City, revenge porn is a crime (more about this later).

Not surprisingly, research into this behavior has revealed that people who engage in revenge porn often lack empathy and are not concerned about hurting others.

Feeling Betrayed and Violated by Revenge Porn

Anyone who has ever had the experience of having sexually explicit pictures shared with others or placed on social media without permission feels betrayed and violated.

Going through a breakup can be painful enough without having to deal with an ex--someone you once loved and trusted--violating your trust by exposing your nude photos.  It can make you feel like you never knew this person, and it can make it hard for you to trust again in future relationships.

Revenge Porn: Prevention First

To avoid having potential problems in the future, your best option is not to allow anyone to take nude or sexually explicit pictures of you that you wouldn't want to be revealed.

It might feel sexy and fun to share nude pictures, but once these pictures are out of your possession, it's hard to control what someone might do with them.

If someone has taken pictures of you that you're unaware of, that's a different story.  But, to the extent that you can avoid this problem, prevention is your best choice.

Revenge Porn is Illegal in New York
I want to emphasize that I am a psychotherapist and not a lawyer.  But I'm aware that in New York City revenge porn is a crime.

The New York City Council passed a law that makes it illegal to leak nude images with the intent to harm someone.  In New York City, the person who leaks such photos risks going to jail or being fined $1,000.

In order to break the law, the individual who is sharing the photos must be trying to cause harm on an economic, physical or on an emotional level.  It is also illegal to threaten to show nude photos, and the perpetrator can be sued (click on this link for more information from the NYC Council website about the law).

You can also consult with an attorney to find out your other legal options.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to cope with revenge porn can be traumatic on many levels.

Many people who have experienced revenge porn feel too ashamed to talk to friends and family about it or, if they do, they often find that their loved ones don't understand.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the feelings of betrayal, sadness and anger that people often experience after revenge porn (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through these feelings (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a sex positive trauma-informed psychotherapist, and I have helped many clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

Relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., came up with a metaphor to describe destructive communication in relationships which he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a term which was originally used in the Bible to describe the four elements of the end times: conquest, war, hunger and death (see my article: Improving Communication).

Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What Are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

According to the Dr. Gottman, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a relationship are:

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let's take a look at each one to understand why these actions represent destructive communication styles that can lead to the demise of a relationship:

• Criticism:  When you express a complaint to your partner, it's different from attacking him or her personally.  When you criticize your partner, s/he feels rejected and hurt.  Here's the difference:

Complaint: "I feel sad that you forgot my birthday."

Criticism: "You never remember my birthday because it's not important to you. You're selfish!"

Note that in the first example, the complaint, you're speaking from your own experience ("I felt") whereas in the second example, the criticism, you're making a personal attack on your partner's character.  

Criticism is especially damaging when it happens frequently.  Furthermore, you're not likely to resolve the problem if you use criticism (see my article: Learn How to Stop Criticizing Each Other).

• Contempt: Contempt is worse than criticism.  When you address your partner with contempt, you're being mean.  Contempt includes sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, and cursing your partner, among other things.  You're showing disrespect for your partner, and you're speaking to your partner from a position of moral superiority:

Contempt: "You forgot to bring home the milk! I give you one thing to do and you're too stupid to even do that."

Note that contempt is often fueled by longstanding resentment towards a partner that comes out in a toxic way.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common problem.  When you feel criticized by your partner, you find excuses for your behavior. Unfortunately, this doesn't resolve the problem because your partner is likely to feel that his or her concerns aren't important to you.

Defensiveness: "So what! I forgot to bring the milk. You know I've had a lot of things on my mind. Why didn't you have one of the kids get it?"

Note that, aside from not resolving the problem, you're also not taking responsibility for your part, and you're pointing an accusatory finger at your partner.  

By being defensive, you're also just escalating the conflict (see my article: Habitual Defensiveness Can Ruin Your Relationship).

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling usually occurs when the listener becomes overwhelmed by contempt.  The listener can either tune out, walk away, distract him or herself and, generally, shut down emotionally (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

People who stonewall are often shutting down to regroup emotionally.  The problem is that they often don't tell their partner that they need to take a break from the conflict to calm down.  

The other problem is that people who make a habit of stonewalling appear to be calm on the outside, but they're flooded with stress on the inside.  

Since people who stonewall appear to be calm externally, the other partner will often double down on their criticism in an effort to provoke the partner to speak.  

This starts a destructive cycle where the person who is stonewalling shuts down more and more and the other partner escalates their argument.  Soon they're caught in a destructive cycle.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're like most people, you learned how to communicate from what you observed in your family of origin.  

If you weren't lucky enough to come from a family where you experienced healthy communication, you might have developed destructive communication habits.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to enhance your communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Rather than continuing in destructive communication patterns that could lead to the demise of your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.  

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Although being alone and feeling lonely during the COVID-19 crisis is challenging, being in a relationship where you're both staying in your home for long periods of time together can also be challenging (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Arguments and Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

The sudden shift to all day/all night togetherness can put even the best relationship under a strain (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the Pandemic, Common Reactions to the Crisis: Fear and Anxiety and Grieving Losses During the Crisis).

Tips on Getting Alone as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Depending upon the relationship, couples are responding differently, but most couples are finding it difficult to deal with the shift to being around each other all the time.

Some couples that were already experiencing a strain in their relationship before the pandemic are finding it even more stressful to be around each other.  Other couples have put aside their differences for now to focus on what they need to do to get through the current crisis.

Many couples will go through different experiences at different times.  Couples that are getting along now might not get along well over time due to the ongoing strain of the crisis and vice versa.

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to want different things with regard to time together vs time apart, and this is especially true now (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Time Together vs Time Apart).

In addition, when you live together, there are always other issues that need negotiating.

Whether you're currently having problems in your relationship or not, it's a good idea to anticipate and be prepared for possible problems before they occur.

Potential Problems For Couples During the Pandemic:
With the pandemic, there can be unique issues to deal with that affect the health and well-being of both people, including:

• What to Do If One Person Gets the Coronavirus:
• In the event that one person becomes infected, both people will need to decide how to handle this.  
• The dilemma is that the person who is sick would probably need help to get through the illness. But the uninfected person would be fearful of getting the virus.
• A consultation with your doctor is best.  

• Whether to Stay in NYC or Leave Temporarily to Go to a Second Home (if possible)
• Each person might have different feelings about whether to stay or leave, if they're fortunate enough to have a second home that they can go to temporarily. 
• One person might prefer to stay in New York City and the other person might prefer to leave. They will have to negotiate and might need to compromise about this. 

• How Much Space and Privacy to Give Your Partner
• Different people need varying degrees of alone time. Some people like to be with their partner most if not all the time.  
• If their partner doesn't feel that way, the person who wants to be together most or all the time can feel rejected.  
• Other people need their own space and privacy to have a sense of well-being.  
• If you're living in an apartment that's large enough, this can often be negotiated.  But most New York City apartments aren't large so both people might feel too confined in a small space.

• How to Negotiate Childcare Responsibilities 
• If a couple is accustomed to normally having childcare either in a daycare or with an nanny whose services are no longer available, they need to figure out how to negotiate childcare responsibilities. 
• Older children will, obviously, still need parental care and guidance, but they can be more independent.
• Younger children will need more time and attention, including help with online schoolwork.
• Will each parent can take turns and give the other parent a break? Will they divide up the tasks or come up with some other way?
• If a couple already has differences in terms of childrearing, going through this health crisis can highlight those differences and make things worse.

• Differences in Cleaning Standards Around the Home 
• Many couples already have differences to negotiate around cleaning standards.  One peron might be neater and want to clean more often, and the other person might be a lot more relaxed about it.  
• With the current health crisis, there can also be issues around what and how much to disinfect.

• Whether to Go to the Grocery Store or Order Grocery Online (if possible)
• Most people are trying to minimize their time outdoors, so one person might prefer to order grocery online and the other might prefer to go to the store.  
• The person who wants to order online might have concerns about his/her coming into contact with other people in the grocery store as well as having concerns about the partner's exposure to others.

• Whether to Order Takeout
• This issue is similar to whether or not to go to the grocery store.  
• Some people prefer not to cook.  Others feel safer cooking their own food.

• Whether to Wear Masks Outside or Not (the latest recommendations from the CDC as of the writing of this article)
• There has been some recent confusion about this.  Originally, people in the US were told that there was no need to wear a mask.  Now CDC is recommending the wearing of masks, but they're not mandating it.
• One person might feel strongly that wearing a mask is important, while the other person might not want to wear a mask.  This creates a potential problem because the person who feels strongly about a mask might worry that the partner who doesn't want to wear a mask is putting each of them at risk.

• How to Have Quality Time, Fun and Socialize While Practicing Social Distancing
• Couples who are accustomed to socializing in person with friends and loved ones might feel at a loss about how to socialize with the new requirement for social distancing.  
• One partner might enjoy socializing online and the other partner might not.

And so on.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the Pandemic
There are no right answers to the dilemmas that couples face during the pandemic, but here are some tips that might help, which will require some flexibility, compromise and negotiation:

• Create a Routine and Structure Your Day
• Since both of your routines have been upended, it's important for a couple to come up with a rough schedule for how they will spend their days.  
• Each person might have different needs, so that will need to be taken into account.

• Make Time For Alone Time
• Make time for time apart to work, nap, talk to friends on the phone or online, read, meditate, watch a program the other person doesn't like or engage in other solo activities.  
• Try to be respectful of your partner's need for time apart so that when you come together again you'll feel ready to be in each other's company.

• Learn to Communicate With Each Other Effectively 
• Over time, nerves can get frayed.  One or both of you is bound to either get inpatient or lose your temper.  Expect it (see my article: Learn How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship). 
• Learn how to take responsibility for your words and behavior and make amends with your partner as soon as you can.  
• Pick your battles.  
• Don't argue over small issues.  It's better to let some things go sometimes rather than arguing about them.
• Tell your partner if you need time to regroup after an argument. 
• It's not unusual for one person to want to work things out immediately and for the other person to need time to cool off first.  
• If you're the person who wants to work things out immediately, recognize that if your partner isn't ready to do it and you push to do it, you'll probably continue to argue, and your partner will resent you.  
• If you're the person who needs time to cool down before you talk, let your partner know about how long you'll need so it doesn't feel endless to them, and don't stonewall (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).
• Remember to express your love and gratitude to your partner (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse).

• Find Meaningful Ways to Connect
• One of the biggest complaints that couples often have under normal circumstances is that they barely see each other during the week because of their busy work schedules and then on weekends they feel too exhausted.
• If you have more time now, talk to your partner about how you would like to spend your time together in a way that's meaningful and enjoyable.
• This could include:
• Spending more time having sex and discovering new things that you both want to do sexually, possibly including a willingness to explore new ways of being together and enjoying each other sexually.
• Redecorating your home
• Learning a new game
• Learning a new language together
• Talking about future plans, including travel plans when it's safe to travel again 
• Reading aloud to each other
• Listening to a podcast together
• Watching a movie you've always wanted to see

And so on.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Despite your best efforts, you and your partner might find that getting along during the pandemic
highlights problems that you've had all along that you've never dealt with before.

Even if you got along well before, the stresses and strains involved with too much time together at home, a change in your routine, the loss of things you used to do outside, and the unknowns involved with the pandemic and economy are threatening your relationship.

If you can't work things out on your own, rather than watching the demise of your relationship, you could benefit from atending couples therapy.

Many therapists, including me, are providing individual and couples therapy online (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) while they're out of their offices (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than allowing your problems to destroy your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.  It could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 20 years.

I'm providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the pandemic.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) is the therapy I use to work with couples. EFT is one of the best effective and well-researched therapy to help couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma Therapy: Why Establishing Safety For the Client is So Important Before Processing Trauma - Part 2

In my prior article, I began a discussion about the importance of establishing safety for clients in trauma therapy before trauma is processed. One of the requirements that I discussed in the last article for establishing safety is that the client's life must be currently stable.  In other words, s/he is not currently in a crisis or creating new crises.  I'm discussing this topic further in this article.

Trauma Therapy: Why Establishing Safety For the Client is So Important Before Processing Trauma

As I discussed in the prior article, clients who are currently in a crisis need help to out of the crisis and keep from creating new crises before they can process traumatic memories.

For instance, if a client has a parent who is in hospice with only a short time to live, the client will need help to get through this crisis and the grief following the parent's death before s/he processes unresolved traumatic memories from childhood.

Likewise, if a client is continuing to create chaos in his or her life, this would need to be addressed and resolved before any processing of traumatic memories from the past can be done.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Trauma Therapy: Establishing Safety Before Processing Trauma
The following fictional clinical vignette addresses the issue of establishing safety for a client who wants to process traumatic memories but who is still in crisis:

Ann
After a tumultuous breakup in what she described as an on-gain/off-again emotionally abusive relationship, Ann, who was in her late 30s, started therapy to deal with the emotional aftermath of the breakup.  She requested EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma of that relationship (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

During the initial consultation, Ann explained to her psychotherapist that she ended the relationship three months ago and, as far as she was concerned, the relationship was really over this time. She was fed up with the name calling and the way he tried to shame her in front of other people a lot of the time.

Trauma Therapy: Why Establishing Safety For the Client is So Important Before Processing Trauma

Ann talked about her history of emotionally abusive relationships that began when she was in high school and continued into adulthood.  She explained that, immediately after she ended her last relationship, she began dating someone new.  She said her new boyfriend seemed nice at first, but lately he was verbally abusive with her too.

When her psychotherapist asked Ann to tell her more about the abuse in this new relationship, Ann told her that he wasn't nearly as abusive as her former boyfriends.  She explained that, although she was aware that she was in another abusive relationship, she was worried about getting too old to have children. Since her new boyfriend also wanted to have children, she wanted to try to have a child with this man before she got any older.

She said she feared that if she broke up with him, she might not meet anyone else and she might miss her opportunity to have a baby.  As a result, she would rather put up with his verbal abuse than breakup with him to find someone new (see my articles: Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?, How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life, and Remaining in Therapy Beyond the Immediate Crisis).

The psychotherapist explained to Ann that they could not begin EMDR therapy to deal with prior trauma because Ann was in another emotionally abusive relationship where she was likely to be traumatized again.  She explained that it was important for Ann to be in a stable situation before they could do EMDR therapy.

Ann said she understood the rationale for not beginning to process a history of trauma while she was in another relationship where she would probably be traumatized again, but she was not ready to give up her current relationship.

She told the psychotherapist that the thought of ending the current relationship and facing the possibility that she might not meet anyone new was too frightening to her. She said she didn't want to wait much longer to have children, and she would rather have a child with her current boyfriend than risk getting too old to have children.

Even though they could not do EMDR therapy due to Ann's current circumstances, the psychotherapist offered to work with Ann with her current relationship and her difficulty with taking care of herself in terms of choosing men who were emotionally abusive (see my article: Are Your Fears of Being Alone Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?).

Since Ann was not interested in this, she decided not to come for any other sessions.  The psychotherapist gave her information about domestic violence. She explained that domestic violence was emotional as well as physical.  She recommended that Ann contact the New York City domestic violence hotline to deal with this issue.

Two years later, Ann contacted the same psychotherapist.  She told the therapist that she never contacted the domestic violence hotline.  Instead, she had a baby with the boyfriend that she was with at the time when she came for the initial consultation, and the abuse escalated from emotional to physical abuse.  She said she ended that relationship several months ago, and she moved back in with her parents, who were helping her to raise the baby.

When Ann returned to see the psychotherapist, she told the therapist that she regretted remaining in the relationship with her baby's father.  She said that, once the stressors involved with raising a baby increased, the baby's father was unable to handle it.  As the stress increased, his abuse escalated from emotional abuse to physical abuse, and she feared for their child's safety.

Ann explained that, after she left the baby's father and filed for child support, the baby's father disappeared and she didn't know where he was.  As a result, she received no child support from him and she couldn't afford to support the baby on her own, which is why she moved back in with her parents, who took care of the baby while she worked.

When she returned to therapy, she was not in a relationship.  She said that, since she had the baby, she was more aware than ever that she made poor choices when it came to relationships, and she didn't want to jeopardize her baby's well-being by getting into another abusive relationship.  As a result, she wasn't dating at the time.

Although Ann was clearly unhappy, she was safe in her parents' home, and she wasn't in a current crisis.  Since she didn't seem likely to get into another abusive relationship at that point in time, her therapist agreed to do EMDR therapy with her, and they began the preparation work to begin processing her history of trauma.

Conclusion
Some clients, who seek help in trauma therapy, are still either in a current crisis or they are creating new crises in their lives--sometimes knowingly, like the example above in the fictional vignette, and sometimes without their awareness.

The fictional example that I gave is just one possible situation where safety and emotional stability must be present first before EMDR or any type of trauma therapy can be done.  In the prior article, I gave other examples.

A trauma therapist can assist a client who is in crisis to overcome the crisis, but she cannot begin to do trauma therapy until the client's life is stable.

Even after the client's life is stable, every client who does EMDR therapy must go through the history taking and preparation phases of EMDR before the client and therapist can begin processing the trauma.

Since EMDR therapy is more experiential than talk therapy, the preparation phase of EMDR therapy helps to ensure that the client has the necessary internal and external resources to deal with the strong emotions that can come up when working on traumatic memories.

Getting Help in Therapy
Too many people who need help in therapy don't come because of they feel ashamed or they're concerned about the possible stigma of being in therapy.  They mistakenly believe that going to therapy means they're "weak" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak".

If you've been struggling on your own with an unresolved problem, you owe it to yourself to get the help in therapy that you need (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Once you have worked through your unresolved problems, you can be free from your traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial

Being hopeful and optimistic can improve your mood, your outlook on your personal life and the world around you.  But when hope is based on denial, this can only lead to disappointment and disillusionment.

Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial

For instance, it can be challenging to allow yourself to know when you're in an unhealthy relationship that isn't going to change.  This is especially difficult when you really love someone and you want things to work out between you.

You naturally want to give the person you're with and the relationship every chance to improve.  But after a certain point, you probably know deep down that things aren't going to change and you're just avoiding the inevitable (see my article: Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices).

The first step to overcoming this problem, especially if this is a pattern for you, is to become aware that you're avoiding seeing the situation objectively.  If you're having difficulty doing this on your own, a trusted friend or family member might be helpful (see my article: Letting Go of Unrealistic Fantasies of a Happy Future in an Unhappy Relationship).

If you continue to avoid dealing with the situation even with the help of loved ones, you could benefit from seeking help in psychotherapy where an objective mental health professional can help you to see what you can't or won't see.

Once you have admitted to yourself that you're in denial about an unhealthy relationship that isn't going to change, your psychotherapist can help you to understand how your current situation might be based on earlier experiences so you can understand why holding on has become so compelling to you.

Having this understanding doesn't resolve your problems, but it helps you to have more self compassion rather than beating yourself up or feeling ashamed.

Then, when you're ready, your psychotherapist can help you to take the necessary steps to get out of a situation where you have been stuck and help you deal with the emotional aftermath (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Letting Go of Hope That is Based on Denial
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome your denial about an unhealthy relationship:

Amy
Prior to starting psychotherapy, Amy frequently spoke to her close friends over the course of her two year relationship to get advice.  Her friends gave her the same consistent message:  Her boyfriend was mistreating her and, by staying in her relationship, she wasn't taking care of herself.

Amy had spoken to her friends so many times that she knew they were getting tired of hearing from her about the same problems, especially since she would come to them when she was upset about her relationship with Jim, listen to their advice and then disregard what they had to say.  It had become a self destructive cycle, and Amy knew that she needed help.

She told her psychotherapist that she was happy in her relationship with Jim during the first few months, but shortly after that, he became verbally abusive with her when he was drunk.  She said that Jim said mean and hurtful things to her that he didn't remember when he was sober.

When she confronted him about his hurtful comments to her when he was sober, he would apologize and promise her that it wouldn't happen again.  But these incidents were becoming more frequent as he got drunk more often, and he refused to get help.

There was an incident where Jim got drunk and verbally abusive with Amy during a visit to see Amy's family.  Afterwards, Amy's parents told her that she was welcome to come see them, but they didn't want Jim in their home again.

Amy's friends also told her that they didn't like being around Jim when he was verbally abusive with her, and they told her that they would be willing to get together with her, but they didn't want to be around Jim.

Over time, Amy felt more and more caught between Jim and her loved ones.  He was also offended that her family and friends didn't want him around.

Although, on some level, Amy understood her loved ones' reactions to Jim, she also resented her them because she felt they were putting her in a difficult situation. This was another area where Amy was in denial and she was unable to see that they weren't the ones who were putting her in a difficult situation--she was making a choice to be with Jim, despite his verbal abuse, and she didn't see how her choice affected her relationships.

If she spent time with friends or family and she didn't include Jim, he would get angry with her.
From his perspective, she was siding with other people over him. If she tried to convince her loved ones to include Jim, she ended up getting into arguments with them because they were adamant that they didn't want him around.

By the time Amy came to therapy, she said she didn't know what to do.  On the one hand, she loved Jim and she didn't want to leave him.  But being with him meant limiting her time with friends and family because they didn't want him around and he didn't like that he wasn't included.  On the other hand, she could see that his drinking and his behavior were getting worse, and he adamantly refused to get help.

Amy's psychotherapist could see that, as things stood, Amy was in denial about the severity of her problems related to Jim and she was staying in this relationship at a significant cost to her personal well-being and her social support network.  But her therapist also knew that Amy hoped that the problem would somehow get better on it's own, so Amy wasn't ready to let go of the relationship.

Her psychotherapist also sensed that the root to Amy's problems was deeper than the current situation, which is why Amy was having such a problem acknowledging what everyone else could see and why she remained in denial.

Amy talked in therapy about wanting to "be there" for Jim and hoping that she would one day be able to convince him to get help.  She felt that if she left him, she would be abandoning him when he was at a low point and she couldn't do this (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

As Amy and her therapist continued to explore her current situation, her therapist asked Amy if she had ever felt this way before.  In response, Amy thought about her therapist's question, and she said that when she was younger, her paternal grandfather lived with the family and he had a serious drinking problem.

When he was sober, he was a kind, gentle man.  But when he was drunk, he was mean and nasty.  Unfortunately, his drinking progressed and he refused to get help.  Her parents, who were fed up, asked the grandfather to leave the household, which upset Amy.  She was afraid that if her grandfather was on his own, his problems would get worse.

So, even though she was only 17 at the time, Amy took the problem on her shoulders and decided that it was up to her to help her grandfather.  In hindsight, Amy realized that her grandfather only gave lip service to getting into alcohol treatment.  But at the time, she took him at his word and she was relieved.

A few weeks after her grandfather agreed to get help but failed to do so, he had an alcohol-related stroke, and he never recovered.  Amy explained to her psychotherapist that this was a devastating experience for her, and she blamed herself for not convincing her grandfather to get help earlier.

Until Amy discussed this with her psychotherapist, she never made the connection between how she reacted to her grandfather's problems and how she related to Jim's problems.  After she saw the connection, she was stunned, and it was the subject of the next several psychotherapy sessions.

At her current age of 32, Amy was able to look back on her experiences with her grandfather when she was 17, and she saw that she had been naive and in denial all along about her grandfather's problems and his willingness to get help. She also saw that she couldn't possibly be responsible for her grandfather at 17 or at any age.  This was the beginning of Amy developing insight into her current problems.

After that, two new incidents with Jim were pivotal in Amy's decision-making process.  The first incident occurred when Jim was arrested for drunk driving and his license was revoked.  At first, Amy couldn't understand why his license was revoked and not temporarily suspended, but then he revealed what he had never told her before--he had several arrests in the past for drunk driving that he was too ashamed to tell her about.

The second incident occurred shortly after Jim's arrest when he tried to reach Amy at work while he was drunk.  When he was unable to reach Amy directly, he became verbally abusive with the receptionist, who put the director on the phone.  In his drunken state, Jim cursed the director and threatened him.

Later that day, when the director called Amy into his office, he told her what happened and she was humiliated.  He told her that he was concerned for her and asked her if she wanted him to give her information about the company's employee assistance program so she could get help for herself. She told him that she was already in therapy and would speak with her psychotherapist about what happened.

Amy spoke about these two incidents with her therapist.  She realized that she couldn't remain with Jim anymore.  She would need to ask him to leave her apartment.  But this was very difficult for her because it was so similar to the situation with her grandfather when her parents wanted him to leave their home.

Amy talked to her psychotherapist about her dilemma.  Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work through the current situation and the original trauma related to her grandfather (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

As they began using EMDR, Amy began letting go of any false hope that she had been holding onto, and she eventually told Jim to leave.

Once Amy was out of the relationship, she was able to see clearly how deep her denial had been.  Along with dealing with the aftermath of the breakup and the loss of her grandfather in therapy, she also dealt with the shame she felt for remaining in a verbally abusive relationship with someone who was unwilling and/or unable to change.

Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Amy felt herself gradually becoming more confident that she made the right decision by ending her relationship with Jim, and she deserved to be treated better in her next relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Letting go of hope that's based on denial is challenging.  The current problem often has roots in earlier problems.

Loved ones might see clearly what you're not allowing yourself to see, even though you might know on some level that you're in an unhealthy situation.

What often happens is that loved ones get tired of hearing you complain and might ask you to stop talking to them about your problems.  This can damage your relationships with friends and family, and you might feel ashamed.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Although a psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, a skilled therapist can help you to deal with your denial, make connections to earlier experiences and assist you to take the necessary steps for your own well-being (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you're free from an unhealthy situation, you can work on restoring your self esteem in therapy and reconnecting with family and friends.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to work through difficult problems so they can live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Abandonment - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In my last article about self abandonment I defined self abandonment and the circumstances where this dynamic occurs.  In this article, I give a fictional clinical vignette to further illustrate these dynamics.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

As I mentioned in my prior article, some of the ways that self abandonment can take place include the following

• A pattern of ignoring your well-being to focus on others

• Placing your well-being in the hands of others and depending upon them for your happiness

• Judging yourself harshly for making these choices

A Fictional Clinical Vignette About Self Abandonment
The following vignette is a composite of many different stories with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Nina
Nina started psychotherapy in an emotional crisis.

Her three year relationship with Mike ended a month prior to her starting therapy when Mike told her that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship.

He denied that he was interested in anyone else. He said he felt pressured by Nina to take the next step in their relationship and he wasn't ready to do that.  He said he wasn't sure if he would ever be ready with her or anyone else.

Self Abandonment: A Clinical Vignette

Nina felt devastated when Mike broke up with her.  At 35, she had hoped that they would eventually get married and have children.  Now she wondered if she would ever be married and have a family.

After the breakup, Nina couldn't sleep, she couldn't concentrate at work, and she often cried throughout the day.

All she could think about was Mike and how much she wanted him back.  She tried to reach Mike by phone, text and email to try to reconcile their relationship.  But after he broke up with her, he refused to respond.

Nina felt she couldn't talk to anyone about the breakup because, after they met Mike a few times, her friends warned her that Mike would hurt her.

They thought he was narcissistic, and they disliked that he was openly critical of Nina in front of them.

See my articles: 

Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Significant Other That You Don't See?

Belittling Behavior in Relationships

Her friends also thought he was immature and irresponsible when he told them that he wasn't showing up for work because his boss didn't give him the praise he felt he deserved.  His attitude resulted in his losing one job after another.

Nina defended him to her friends by telling them that they didn't understand him.  She said she saw a side of Mike that no one else saw and she thought they were being harsh.

After listening to Nina complain to them and then defend him many times, her friends were tired of it.  They told her that it would be better for her not to talk about it with them anymore.

Before the breakup, Nina continued to see her friends, but she stopped talking about her relationship with Mike and, at her friends' request, she no longer included Mike in their get-togethers because they didn't like him.

Now, Nina felt alone and miserable.  She couldn't believe this was happening to her, and she didn't understand why Mike broke up with her.

It was true, she said, she suggested that they move in together.  But she didn't expect Mike to have such a strong reaction to their conversation, "It's not like I gave him an ultimatum."

Nina's psychotherapist focused on helping Nina to get through this difficult time (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Strategies).

She taught Nina how to develop a wind down routine before going to bed so she could sleep better.  She also taught her how to do a relaxing meditation, a breathing exercise, and recommended that Nina keep a journal to express her feelings.

Once Nina was more on an even keel emotionally, Nina and her therapist explored the dynamics in her relationship with Mike with an emphasis on Nina's self defeating behavior.

Her psychotherapist explained the concept of self abandonment to Nina and tried to help Nina to develop insight into her own behavior.  But, initially, every time that her psychotherapist talked to Nina about how she didn't take care of herself, Nina would try to talk about Mike and what he said and did.

In a gentle, tactful way, Nina's therapist kept bringing the focus back to Nina and pointing out how Nina kept avoiding looking at her own behavior because she was so focused on Mike (see my article: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First).

Nina wasn't accustomed to focusing on herself.  At first, she felt like she was being selfish and self centered (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

But, over time, Nina began to understand how focusing on Mike was a way to avoid looking at herself and that she wouldn't develop insight into what happened until she was able to look at her own dynamics in the relationship (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies That Don't Work: Avoidance).

Gradually, as the therapy progressed, Nina realized that in her relationship with Mike and in her prior relationships, not only did she focus on her boyfriend, she abandoned her own needs and gave away her personal power.

See my articles:  

Relationships: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power?

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Over time, Nina also realized that she wanted so much to be in a relationship that she avoided the warning signs that were there all along and that her friends could see more objectively (see my article: Are You Ignoring the Early Warning Signs in Your Relationship?).

Nina and her therapist were able to trace back these ingrained dynamics to Nina's family history.  As the oldest, Nina became a parentified child to a single mother who turned to Nina for mothering from the time Nina was a young child.  She also expected Nina to take care of her younger siblings.

Nina worked through the trauma of her emotional neglect as a child.

Se my articles: 

What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On in Adult Relationships?

She also talked to her friends about the breakup and what she was learning about herself in therapy.

When she began dating again, she didn't allow her fears to get in the way of being more discerning when she met men (see my article: Choosing Healthier Relationships).

Although it was difficult for her, Nina also learned to like herself more and to take better care of herself.

Conclusion
Self abandonment can occur in many different ways.  It often involves codependency in relationships, as illustrated in the fictional vignette above.

Psychotherapy can help people who engage in this self destructive dynamic to develop insight, learn how to take better care of themselves, and change this self defeating pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
Self abandonment usually involves unconscious behavior that has its roots in early childhood.

It's very difficult to change this self defeating behavior on your own, even when you're aware of  it, because the early roots of this behavior usually remain out of awareness.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can develop insight into your behavior and change your pattern of relating to yourself and others (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy to change (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

By taking care of yourself and choosing healthier relationships, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Sooner or later in life, everyone has to cope with a crisis.  It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid crises, they are an unfortunate part of life.  Sometimes, you can see a crisis coming in advance and prepare for it.

See my articles: Fear of Making Changes

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life  

Other times, a crisis occurs when you least expect it.  But in many cases crises can be opportunities to make changes that are, ultimately, for the better.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

People who are able to reframe crises into a possibility for an opportunity are better able to get through the chaos that crisis often brings (see my article: Developing a Positive Perspective About Reframing).

Let's take a look at some fictional scenarios, which represent common occurrences, that illustrates these points:

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Jim

Jim worked as a senior manager for his firm for over 25 years.  He had a good relationship with his boss and with his colleagues, who praised his work.  He thought he would ride out his last years at this company until retirement and then he planned to start his own consulting business.  But a few years before Jim planned to retire, he was laid off due to budget cuts.  His boss and his human resources director assured him that it had nothing to do with the quality of his work.

At first, Jim was paralyzed in fear.  He wasn't sure what he would do.  So much of his identity was tied up with his job (see my article: When Job Loss Means Loss of Identity).  When he told his wife about the layoff, she encouraged Jim to start his consulting company now and "Go for it!"  Although he was afraid, at first, within a year, he was making more money in his consulting business than he made at his former job, and he had more time to spend with his family.  So, what he initially experienced as a crisis turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Betty

Betty was in a stagnant relationship that was going nowhere for a few years.  Although she wanted to get married and have children, she was afraid to leave her current relationship because she thought she would never meet anyone else.  Her rationale was, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" and so she remained in this unhappy relationship (see my article: Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?).  One evening, over dinner, her boyfriend, Ted, told her that he wanted to breakup.  He accepted a job out of state, and he didn't want to have a long distance relationship, so he thought it was better to end their relationship.  At first, Betty panicked.  Even though she was dissatisfied with the relationship, at least she had someone to have dinner with and to go to the theatre.  Now, she would have no one.  During the first few months after the breakup, Betty mourned the end of her relationship.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive  Change in Your Life

Shortly after that, a close friend introduced her to someone new, John.  After dating for a few months, Betty and her new boyfriend decided to be exclusive, and she realized that she was happier in this relationship than she had ever been.  Had she and Ted remained together, she would never started dating John.  What initially felt like a major crisis in her life turned out to be a positive change.

Donna

Donna had always enjoyed good health for most of her life.  But shortly after her 40th birthday, she had a mild heart attack and was hospitalized.  After she was discharged, her cardiologist spoke to her about her stressful lifestyle, including a stressful job that she hated and an unhealthy diet where she mostly ate on the run.  He told her that she would have to make changes to her lifestyle or she could have a massive heart attack, especially since there was a history of heart problems in her family (see my article: How Medical Problems Can Change How You Feel About Yourself).

Donna spoke with her husband about the changes she was thinking about--including leaving her stressful job.  Her husband encouraged her to do what she had always wanted to do--become a yoga teacher.  So, when she quit her job, and when her cardiologist gave his approval, Donna began a yoga training program.  Soon after she completed the yoga training, she began working for a local yoga studio, a job that she loved.  In retrospect, she realized that she probably would never have quit her stressful job to do what she really wanted if she had not had the heart attack.

Conclusion

Making changes in your life, even under the best of circumstances, can be challenging.  We often become comfortable with what's familiar, even if it's not what we want.

Making changes during a crisis is even more challenging because we're often not prepared for the crisis.  It can be like a tsunami that comes upon us suddenly.  

Being flexible, being able to reframe a crisis into an opportunity (if possible), and having emotional support can help you to make positive changes. 

But there are times when the crisis is so overwhelming that it is traumatic.

In other words, it's beyond what you can handle, and you might need help from a skilled mental health professional to help you to get through the crisis and come out of it more resilient than before.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

Sometimes, friends and family, who are well-meaning, aren't helpful because they're part of the crisis or they're fearful of change so they can't see opportunities or alternatives.

When you're overwhelmed by a crisis, you could benefit from working with a skilled mental health professional who can help you to recognize your strengths and help you to regroup (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, if you feel overwhelmed by a crisis in your life, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the current obstacles so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome their problems so they could maximize their potential and live the life they want to live.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.