How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Sooner or later in life, everyone has to cope with a crisis.  It doesn't matter how much you try to avoid crises, they are an unfortunate part of life.  Sometimes, you can see a crisis coming in advance and prepare for it.

See my articles: Fear of Making Changes

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life  

Other times, a crisis occurs when you least expect it.  But in many cases crises can be opportunities to make changes that are, ultimately, for the better.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

People who are able to reframe crises into a possibility for an opportunity are better able to get through the chaos that crisis often brings (see my article: Developing a Positive Perspective About Reframing).

Let's take a look at some fictional scenarios, which represent common occurrences, that illustrates these points:

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive Change in Your Life

Jim

Jim worked as a senior manager for his firm for over 25 years.  He had a good relationship with his boss and with his colleagues, who praised his work.  He thought he would ride out his last years at this company until retirement and then he planned to start his own consulting business.  But a few years before Jim planned to retire, he was laid off due to budget cuts.  His boss and his human resources director assured him that it had nothing to do with the quality of his work.

At first, Jim was paralyzed in fear.  He wasn't sure what he would do.  So much of his identity was tied up with his job (see my article: When Job Loss Means Loss of Identity).  When he told his wife about the layoff, she encouraged Jim to start his consulting company now and "Go for it!"  Although he was afraid, at first, within a year, he was making more money in his consulting business than he made at his former job, and he had more time to spend with his family.  So, what he initially experienced as a crisis turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Betty

Betty was in a stagnant relationship that was going nowhere for a few years.  Although she wanted to get married and have children, she was afraid to leave her current relationship because she thought she would never meet anyone else.  Her rationale was, "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" and so she remained in this unhappy relationship (see my article: Are You Too Afraid to Leave an Unhappy Relationship?).  One evening, over dinner, her boyfriend, Ted, told her that he wanted to breakup.  He accepted a job out of state, and he didn't want to have a long distance relationship, so he thought it was better to end their relationship.  At first, Betty panicked.  Even though she was dissatisfied with the relationship, at least she had someone to have dinner with and to go to the theatre.  Now, she would have no one.  During the first few months after the breakup, Betty mourned the end of her relationship.

How a Crisis Can Bring About Positive  Change in Your Life

Shortly after that, a close friend introduced her to someone new, John.  After dating for a few months, Betty and her new boyfriend decided to be exclusive, and she realized that she was happier in this relationship than she had ever been.  Had she and Ted remained together, she would never started dating John.  What initially felt like a major crisis in her life turned out to be a positive change.

Donna

Donna had always enjoyed good health for most of her life.  But shortly after her 40th birthday, she had a mild heart attack and was hospitalized.  After she was discharged, her cardiologist spoke to her about her stressful lifestyle, including a stressful job that she hated and an unhealthy diet where she mostly ate on the run.  He told her that she would have to make changes to her lifestyle or she could have a massive heart attack, especially since there was a history of heart problems in her family (see my article: How Medical Problems Can Change How You Feel About Yourself).

Donna spoke with her husband about the changes she was thinking about--including leaving her stressful job.  Her husband encouraged her to do what she had always wanted to do--become a yoga teacher.  So, when she quit her job, and when her cardiologist gave his approval, Donna began a yoga training program.  Soon after she completed the yoga training, she began working for a local yoga studio, a job that she loved.  In retrospect, she realized that she probably would never have quit her stressful job to do what she really wanted if she had not had the heart attack.

Conclusion

Making changes in your life, even under the best of circumstances, can be challenging.  We often become comfortable with what's familiar, even if it's not what we want.

Making changes during a crisis is even more challenging because we're often not prepared for the crisis.  It can be like a tsunami that comes upon us suddenly.  

Being flexible, being able to reframe a crisis into an opportunity (if possible), and having emotional support can help you to make positive changes. 

But there are times when the crisis is so overwhelming that it is traumatic.

In other words, it's beyond what you can handle, and you might need help from a skilled mental health professional to help you to get through the crisis and come out of it more resilient than before.

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point in his or her life.

Sometimes, friends and family, who are well-meaning, aren't helpful because they're part of the crisis or they're fearful of change so they can't see opportunities or alternatives.

When you're overwhelmed by a crisis, you could benefit from working with a skilled mental health professional who can help you to recognize your strengths and help you to regroup (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, if you feel overwhelmed by a crisis in your life, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome the current obstacles so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I have helped many clients to overcome their problems so they could maximize their potential and live the life they want to live.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

In a prior article, Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?,  I began a discussion about people who unconsciously create chaos in their lives, and I  gave some examples in everyday life with regard to relationships, money issues, family problems and other related issues.

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

As I mentioned in the prior article, most people who develop self awareness that they're creating chaos in their lives want to stop, but they don't know how.

In this article, I've given a fictional vignette, based on many different cases, and describe how therapy can help.

The following is a fictional vignette based on many different cases:

Ed
By the time Ed came to therapy, he was ending an on again/off again relationship for the fifth time and considering reconciling with his girlfriend once again (see my article:  The On Again/Off Again Relationship).

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

He was considering reconciling with his girlfriend once again even though nothing had changed between them, they disagreed about important fundamental areas in their lives, and they frequently argued.

Despite their problems, Ed felt very lonely without his girlfriend and a part of him would have rather remained in this dysfunctional relationship than spend time alone (see my article:  Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhappy Relationship?)

He was also behind in his bills and he was receiving delinquency notices.

Ed acknowledged that he made a good salary and he had the money to pay his bills, so he wasn't sure why he allowed his debts to pile up.

Ed felt that his life was out of control and completely unmanageable, but he didn't know what to do to change things.

During the first therapy session, Ed was flooded with anxiety and needed constant redirection because his anxiety caused him to jump from one topic to the next.

As he discussed his family history, he revealed a highly dysfunctional family and he had many of the traits that are usually associated with people from dysfunctional families (see my article:  Dynamics of Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families), including:

• Approval seeking and loss of identity (see my article: People Pleasing)

• Confusing love and pity (see my article: Confusing Love and Pity)

• Confusing compassion and responsibility (see my article: Confusing Compassion and Responsibility

• Fear of angry people and personal criticism

• Fear of authority figures

• Difficulty completing things (see my article: Having Difficulty Completing Things)

Each of his parents also came from highly dysfunctional families and they seemed to unknowingly repeat patterns from their families just as Ed was also unconsciously repeating patterns from his family.

Not only was Ed deeply ashamed of himself and his family background, but he was ashamed to be coming to therapy.

He felt like he must be "weak to need therapy" (see my article: Overcoming Shame: Is Shame Keeping You From Starting Psychotherapy?).

He was very surprised when I told him that people who seek help in therapy are often the healthiest people in their families (see my article:  Why It's Often the Healthiest Person in a Dysfunctional Family Who Comes to Therapy).

Ed felt so overwhelmed by his problems that he didn't know where to begin, so we began by breaking down his problems into manageable pieces so that he could begin to tackle the most pressing issues, including paying his bills.

Deep down, Ed knew that his relationship with his ex was very unhealthy for him.  He also admitted that he knew nothing would change and they would just end up breaking up again because they were basically unsuited for each other.

So, he agreed not to contact his girlfriend and, if he felt like contacting her or he felt lonely, he would call a friend instead for emotional support and he would discuss his feelings in his therapy sessions.

We also worked on helping Ed to develop coping skills so that he would be able to calm himself when he felt overwhelmed (see my article:  Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Once Ed was able to begin tackling some of his concrete problems, like paying his bills on time, and he developed techniques for managing his stress, we began to work on the unconscious issues related to his family of origin that he was recreating in his life (see my article: Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

As we discussed how he was leading his life from one crisis to the next and the chaotic patterns in his family of origin, Ed was able to see the similarities.  But, at first, he couldn't see how he was creating these patterns.

This was a new concept for him.  Until then, he experienced the chaos in his life as things that "happened" to him--not that he was creating these situations.

As we went over each situation that had occurred in the recent past, Ed began to develop clarity about his role.  But rather than feeling self compassion, he was self critical, judgmental and hard on himself (see my article: Self Blame and the Internal Critic).

Being critical was another pattern from his family, and it caused Ed a great deal of shame.

Not only was this self blame not helpful in the present, it was also getting in the way of his understanding the origin of his problems from the past.

We had to work on helping him to distinguish taking responsibility and being compassionate towards himself and being critical and self blaming.

As we continued to explore his current relationship to his family, who continued to be dysfunctional, Ed realized that one of the underlying issues to his repeating the pattern of creating chaos in his life was that it enabled him to commiserate with them and to continue feeling connected to them (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: When the Past Affects the Present).

This was an aspect of his problems that Ed had never recognized before, and he worried that if he got his life together that he would be, in effect, moving away from his family on an emotional level.  He had a deep sense of family loyalty, and he felt conflicted about this (see my article:  How a Distorted Sense of "Family Loyalty" Can Affect Your Therapy).

At the same time, Ed recognized that he couldn't keep living his life in the same way as he had been--he had to change if he wanted to be happier in his life.

The next step in our work was to do trauma work in order for Ed to work through the emotional trauma that he experienced in his dysfunctional family and for him to accept that he might not feel as connected to them in the same way if he wasn't creating chaos in his life.

I often use different types of mind-body oriented therapy to help clients with emotional trauma and choose the type of therapy that is best suited for each client.  In Ed's case, I used EMDR to help him work through his childhood trauma (see my articles:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work - Part 1 and Part 2).

Learning How to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

After Ed worked through his experiences of childhood trauma in his dysfunctional family, he no longer felt drawn to creating chaos in his life and to choosing unhealthy romantic relationships.  He was able to live a more stable and meaningful life.

Conclusion
People who have a pattern of creating chaos in their lives usually do so on an unconscious level.

Often, they come from families that are dysfunctional where they experience childhood trauma.

Without realizing it, they usually recreate the dysfunction and trauma that they experienced as children in their adult lives, including choosing unhealthy relationships.

Developing self awareness about this pattern and how they're perpetuating it is usually the first step in therapy to help people to change.

Since many people who create chaos in their lives have never developed healthy coping skills, developing coping skills is also essential.

Therapists often help clients, who are creating chaos in their lives, to break down problems into manageable parts so they can begin to deal with these problems.

In order break the pattern of creating chaos, it's also essential to do trauma work about unresolved family of origins issues.

Often, people who have taken these steps no longer feel drawn to creating chaos in their lives and they often no longer feel compelled to get into unhealthy relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think that you are creating chaos in your life and you want to change, you can overcome these problems by working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've stopped living your life from one crisis to the next, you can lead a happier life with new meaning and purpose.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

People who have a pattern of creating chaos in their lives often do it unconsciously.  They usually don't realize that they're doing it themselves and, because they have no self awareness about how they're generating the chaos, they see the problems as external or as if it's "happening to" them rather than self generated (see my article:  Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

There is also often a lot of denial involved when it comes to taking personal responsibility for the chaos.

Everyone has times in their lives that are chaotic, so I want to emphasize that what I'm referring to in this article is a pattern of chaos that is the result of actions taken (or not taken) by the individual involved in the chaos.

Examples of Creating Chaos:

• Reconciling with the same romantic partner where nothing has changed in a long term dysfunctional relationship that continues to be dysfunctional (see my article:  The Heartbreak of the On-Again/Off-Again Relationship and Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships)

• Pursuing someone who has told you repeatedly that s/he isn't interested in you

• Expecting to get love and support from people who have been emotionally abusive to you (see my article:  When the One Who Loves You is Also the One Who Hurts You)

• Trusting someone who has constantly hurts, betrays and disappoints you

• Maxing out credit cards for unnecessary purchases to the point where even minimum payments are unaffordable

• Getting a shut off notice due to an overdue electric bill and spending the money on going out instead of paying the bill

• Starting and stopping a college degree due to self generated emotional crisis (see my article:  Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Often Have Difficulty Completing Things).

• Smoking heavily with an asthma condition

• Drinking heavily despite a damaged liver

• Getting a DWI and blaming "bad luck" for the arrest

There are many other examples, but I think you get the picture.

Most people who create chaos in their lives grew up in dysfunctional families that were chaotic.  So, they usually don't see the chaos they create in their adult lives as being dysfunctional because it seems "normal" to them.  And it seems "normal" because that's how they've always lived their lives.

Breaking the Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life
In order to break this pattern, a person must first be able to see the pattern.

There must be enough self awareness to step back and think about why s/he is having so many problems.

This isn't easy to do, especially if chaos has been a lifelong experience.

Do You Have a Pattern of Creating Chaos in Your Life?

The person who creates chaos often doesn't see that s/he is unconsciously recreating their dysfunctional childhood in their adult life.

Very often what happens is that life gets so out of control that the person who creates chaos is either forced to seek help (i.e., court mandated) or his or her life becomes to unbearable that s/he seeks help in therapy.

In my next article, I'll provide a vignette to show how this pattern develops and how therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy
On a conscious level, most people don't want to live a chaotic life.

For people who are stuck in this pattern of creating chaos, they often see problems that they unknowingly create as things that "happen to" them.

Getting Help in Therapy:  Learn to Stop Creating Chaos in Your Life

If you know or suspect that you might be creating chaos in your life and you're ready to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who understands the underlying unconscious dynamics and who can help you to change longstanding patterns.

Psychotherapy can help you to develop a greater sense of self awareness, new coping skills and a new way to live your life so that's stable and fulfilling.

By getting help in therapy, rather than living your life from one emotional crisis to the next, you could be leading a happier life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos

"You are the sky.  Everything else--it's just the weather:" Pema Chodron

Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos

The ability to stay calm during chaotic times is a natural ability for some people who seem to be able to stay focused and centered despite the chaos that is going on around them.

For other people, it's a matter of developing and practicing this skill.

Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos

The good news is that this skill can be learned by most people, and practicing can increase your ability to use this skill.

Ideally, the best time to learn to develop the ability to stay calm during stressful times is when things are relatively calm in your life.

But it doesn't always happen that way, so here are some tips for how to stay calm during chaotic or stressful times:

Tips for Staying Calm During Chaos

• Remember to Breathe:  This might sound strange, but it's often the case that when we're under stress or pressure, our breathing becomes shallow, and some people don't realize that they've stopped breathing for seconds at a time.  Also, breathing in a shallow way can make you more anxious.  So, remembering to take a couple of deep breaths can be very helpful (also see my article:  Learning to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Take Breaks:  Often when we're going through chaotic or stressful times, we think that it's better to keep going nonstop. But making yourself exhausted will only add to your stress.  If you're not in a situation that's an emergency that requires immediate action (like leaving a burning building), it's important to take breaks--even if the breaks are 5 or 10 minutes.  Taking time to regroup can help you to approach the situation feeling refreshed.

• Stop and Think:  Rather than leaping into action impulsively and working yourself and others into a panic, stop and think, even if it's for a moment, about what's needed in this situation.  Certain situations require immediate action, but many situations would be better handled by reflecting first on what's needed before taking action hastily.  

• Recognize What You Can and Can't Control:  This isn't always easy to see.  But when it's clear that there are elements of the situation that are beyond your control, don't waste your time and effort on things that you can't change.  Try to solve what you can as efficiently and effectively as you can, and leave the bigger issues to those who are equipped and responsible for handling them.

• Maintain a Balanced Perspective:  This suggestion goes along with Stop and Think.  During a chaotic situation, it's easy to lose perspective and panic.  Many people, who lose their perspective, end up making the wrong decisions and that makes the situation worse.  By keeping your perspective and asking yourself how you (and those close to you) are directly affected by the situation, you can approach the problem with a clear mind and make better decisions.

• Maintain Your Healthy Routines:  Some people become so consumed with problem solving or "putting out fires" during chaotic times that they abandon the healthy routines that help them to cope.  Although you might need to modify your routines during stressful times (depending upon what's going on), you can make your situation even more stressful if you completely abandon the healthy routines that help you on a regular basis, like going to the gym, meditating or whatever you do to maintain a sense of well-being.

• Maintain a Healthy Attitude:  Your perspective about life and situations at hand affect how you think and feel about these situations as well as how you react to them.  It's important to be able to take a step back, even if it's momentarily, to be mindful of how you're responding to the situation that you're dealing with at the time.  If you know yourself well enough to know that you tend to see "the glass as half empty" rather than "half full" most of the time, ask yourself if this attitude is affecting how you're dealing with the problem that you're facing and if you're seeing it in an overly negative way.

• Get Emotional Support: It's important to stay in contact with people who are emotionally supportive.  Even if supportive friends or family aren't directly involved in the situation, just being able to talk it out can help relieve stress and remind you that there are people who care about you.

Getting Help in Therapy
At times, despite your best efforts, if you're overwhelmed, you might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to assist you emotionally.

A skilled therapist can help you not just to manage the chaos that you're in, but s/he can also assist you to develop healthy coping skills that would help you in any difficult situation.

Getting Help in Therapy

An experienced psychotherapist can also help you to see if the current situation is triggering emotions from old unresolved emotional wounds and help you to work through prior trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation