Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

My recent articles have focused on improving communication in relationships.

See my articles:

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on defensive behavior.

Why is a Pattern of Defensive Behavior Destructive to a Relationship?

Everyone responds defensively at some point, but that's different from an ongoing pattern of defensive behavior.

A pattern of defensive behavior is a serious issue in relationships, and it has been known to lead to the demise of many relationships.

A Pattern of Defensive Behavior Can Ruin Your Relationship

Defensive behavior can occur automatically for some people because it's a behavior that often develops early in life as a response to a perceived threat.

See my articles: 

Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past

When Arguments With Your Spouse Trigger Old Emotional Wounds From Childhood

When you're defensive, instead of listening to what your partner has to say, you deflect their comments by pointing the finger at your partner.

As an example, if your significant other tells you that you're not doing your share of the household chores, instead of listening and considering his or her point, you immediately lash out by saying, "I'm not dodging the household chores.  You're the one dodging the household chores."

In this example, we can see that there's no self reflection on what your partner told you. There's only a knee jerk reaction (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

It's not a matter of whether you're right or wrong, it's a matter of reflecting on what your partner said and considering his or her feelings about the matter.

In addition, nothing gets resolved if you have a tendency to react defensively and, over time,  you can have a pile up of unresolved problems.

How to Change Defensive Behavior Before It Ruins Your Relationship

• Become Aware of Your Defensive Behavior:  In order to change defensive behavior, you need to become aware of when you're doing it.  In the heat of the moment, you might not realize that you're reacting defensively.  But if you take time to think about it the next time that it's pointed out to you, you could develop increased awareness of your defensiveness.  By become more aware of your reactive patterns of defensiveness, you can discover whether you're reacting this way every time your significant other asks you for something or if there are certain issues that trigger your defensiveness.  Are old memories getting triggered, which are unrelated to the here-and-now situation?

• Write Down Each Time You're Defensive:  Once you start becoming aware of your defensive behavior, write down each instance after it occurs.  Keep a log of these incidents, and you will begin to see patterns.  Along with writing down each incident, write about what was going on for you emotionally at the time.  Were you fearful? Angry? Resentful?  Did the incident take you back to an old memory so that you reacted in a childlike manner?

• Think Before You React:  There's a difference between responding and reacting.  When you respond, you take the time to reflect on what's going on.  What is your significant other really saying to you?  If you're so upset that you're not sure, ask for clarification.  If you're still upset after you get clarification, tell your significant other that you need a little time (let him or her know how much time, so you don't leave your significant other hanging, and then get back to him or her within that time frame).  Once you're calm, you can think more clearly.  If you don't agree with your significant other, rather than saying, "You're wrong," look beyond your significant other's words and find out what's going on.  Does s/he feel overwhelmed?  Is there some misunderstanding?  

• Work as a Team to Resolve the Problem: Rather than working against your significant other by being defensive as if s/he is the enemy, work as a team to resolve the underlying issues.  What do you each need to resolve the problem?  Are there common areas where you agree?  Can you each come up with compromises?

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are unable to work out this issue, you could benefit from couples therapy where you can both learn how to improve your communication skills.

A skilled psychotherapist can also help you to work through unresolved issues from the past that might be getting triggered in your current relationship so that you're no longer triggered now (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping couples to improve communication.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome communication problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Tips on How to Listen to Your Partner Without Getting Defensive

One of the most difficult things to do is to listen to your partner without getting defensive when they're upset about something you did or didn't do (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

How to Communicate With Your Partner

Most people have the urge to interrupt their partner to defend themselves, "That's not what I meant!" or "You didn't understand what I said!" But when you interrupt your partner, both of you feel frustrated and neither of you feels heard.  

ATTUNE

Dr. John Gottman, relationship and research expert, came up with the acronym ATTUNE to help couples to build trust in each other so they can have a healthier relationship:

A = Awareness

T = Turning Toward

T = Tolerance

U = Understanding

N = Non-defensive

E = Empathetic

• Awareness: Awareness refers to developing an awareness of your partner's thoughts, feelings and current circumstances. You acknowledge your partner's emotions and you can do this by asking your partner how they're doing and actively listening to what they say.

• Turning Towards: When you turn towards your partner, you reach out to your partner when you sense they need emotional connection. This means you care enough about your partner to reach out whether what they're going through is positive or negative.

• Tolerance: Tolerance refers to the ability to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings even if it's different from your own. This means that if their thoughts and feelings are different, you can temporarily put aside your feelings to accept your partner's reality without interjecting your own feelings, thoughts or beliefs. This doesn't mean that you agree with your partner--it means you respect your partner's experience.

• Understanding: To understand your partner, you put aside your feelings, thoughts and beliefs temporarily so you can dip into and understand your partner's experience. If their experience is unclear to you, ask for their help, "Can you help me to understand your experience?" Your partner needs to feel you understand their experience before you tell them how you feel.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

• Non-defensive: Non-defensive listening is an effective way to respond to your partner's experience--even if it feels uncomfortable to you or you don't agree.  As a non-defensive listener, your job is to help your partner to clarify their experience. This means you focus on your partner's experience without getting defensive or attacking your partner. Before you respond to your partner, ask yourself if what you're about to say will clarify your partner's experience or if it will be dismissing or attacking your partner. To ensure you understand your partner's experience, repeat the basic message you heard and wait for your partner's response that you have either understood them or not. If you haven't grasped what they are saying, ask for clarification until your partner tells you that you understand. When you can respond without judgment or an argument, you are encouraging your partner to trust you and open up to you (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

• Empathetic: Empathetic responding shows your partner that you can dip into and feel their experience. By acknowledging and validating your partner's experience, you show them that you are responding with empathy. 

Defensive vs Non-defensive Listening

The "N" in Dr. Gottman's ATTUNE stands for non-defensive, as mentioned above.

Listening and responding non-defensively is a difficult skills for many people to learn. It's especially hard if what your partner is saying involves a complaint about you or something that triggers an emotional reaction in you.

How to Communicate With Your Partner

For instance, if you and your partner live together and you have agreed to fold the laundry after the dryer stops and you don't do it, your partner might say, "We agreed to fold the clothes when the dryer stops, but you didn't do that and now the clothes are all wrinkled." Your immediate reaction might be, "Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!"

Maybe you react this way because you feel your partner is trying to control you. Or, maybe you react this way because you feel embarrassed that you didn't live up to your part of the agreement. 

Either way, you're responding defensively, and you need to learn to calm yourself so you can respond non-defensively.

Learning to Self Soothe to Respond Non-defensively

In the example above, regardless of why you reacted defensively, you need to learn to self soothe by calming yourself before you respond to your partner.

You can do this by:

• Slowing down: Even though you might want to lash out at your partner by interrupting them or invalidating their experience, take a moment to slow down and calm yourself. Focus on relaxing your body by breathing. If your partner isn't sure what you're doing, explain to them that you're trying to calm yourself so you can respond empathetically.

Slow Down and Breathe to Calm Yourself

• Don't Take Your Partner's Comments Personally: Even though your partner is annoyed and might be angry with you, try not to take their comments personally. Try to understand that they're trying to communicate what is making them unhappy and what they want to change. If you see it from that perspective, you're less likely to get triggered and respond defensively.

• Ask For Clarification: If you're not understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, ask for clarification so you don't jump to conclusions about what they're saying.

• Take a Break: If you're having a hard time calming yourself, tell your partner you want to take a break so you can regroup and come back to discuss the issue calmly. Before you take a break, make sure you both agree on the timeframe to come back to talk (Will it be in 10 minutes? or 30 minutes?) and then return at the appointed time in a calmer state. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Most of us were not taught how to communicate in a non-defensive way with a partner.

Get Help in Therapy to Improve Your Relationship

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help you to develop non-defensive communication skills.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health practitioner so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse"

Relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph.D., came up with a metaphor to describe destructive communication in relationships which he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a term which was originally used in the Bible to describe the four elements of the end times: conquest, war, hunger and death (see my article: Improving Communication).

Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

What Are the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

According to the Dr. Gottman, the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in a relationship are:

• Criticism
• Contempt 
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Let's take a look at each one to understand why these actions represent destructive communication styles that can lead to the demise of a relationship:

• Criticism:  When you express a complaint to your partner, it's different from attacking him or her personally.  When you criticize your partner, s/he feels rejected and hurt.  Here's the difference:

Complaint: "I feel sad that you forgot my birthday."

Criticism: "You never remember my birthday because it's not important to you. You're selfish!"

Note that in the first example, the complaint, you're speaking from your own experience ("I felt") whereas in the second example, the criticism, you're making a personal attack on your partner's character.  

Criticism is especially damaging when it happens frequently.  Furthermore, you're not likely to resolve the problem if you use criticism (see my article: Learn How to Stop Criticizing Each Other).

• Contempt: Contempt is worse than criticism.  When you address your partner with contempt, you're being mean.  Contempt includes sarcasm, ridicule, name calling, and cursing your partner, among other things.  You're showing disrespect for your partner, and you're speaking to your partner from a position of moral superiority:

Contempt: "You forgot to bring home the milk! I give you one thing to do and you're too stupid to even do that."

Note that contempt is often fueled by longstanding resentment towards a partner that comes out in a toxic way.

• Defensiveness: Defensiveness is a common problem.  When you feel criticized by your partner, you find excuses for your behavior. Unfortunately, this doesn't resolve the problem because your partner is likely to feel that his or her concerns aren't important to you.

Defensiveness: "So what! I forgot to bring the milk. You know I've had a lot of things on my mind. Why didn't you have one of the kids get it?"

Note that, aside from not resolving the problem, you're also not taking responsibility for your part, and you're pointing an accusatory finger at your partner.  

By being defensive, you're also just escalating the conflict (see my article: Habitual Defensiveness Can Ruin Your Relationship).

• Stonewalling: Stonewalling usually occurs when the listener becomes overwhelmed by contempt.  The listener can either tune out, walk away, distract him or herself and, generally, shut down emotionally (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

People who stonewall are often shutting down to regroup emotionally.  The problem is that they often don't tell their partner that they need to take a break from the conflict to calm down.  

The other problem is that people who make a habit of stonewalling appear to be calm on the outside, but they're flooded with stress on the inside.  

Since people who stonewall appear to be calm externally, the other partner will often double down on their criticism in an effort to provoke the partner to speak.  

This starts a destructive cycle where the person who is stonewalling shuts down more and more and the other partner escalates their argument.  Soon they're caught in a destructive cycle.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're like most people, you learned how to communicate from what you observed in your family of origin.  

If you weren't lucky enough to come from a family where you experienced healthy communication, you might have developed destructive communication habits.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to enhance your communication skills to maintain a healthy relationship.

Rather than continuing in destructive communication patterns that could lead to the demise of your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.  

Understanding Internal and External Psychological Defense Mechanisms - Part 2

In a prior article, I began a discussion by describing internal and external psychological defense mechanisms.  To illustrate the points that I made in that article, I'm providing a fictional clinical vignette:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Understanding Internal and External Psychological Defense Mechanisms
The defense mechanisms in the following fictional vignette will be identified and italicized in parenthesis to make it easier for the reader to identify (to see a full list of defense mechanisms, click on this link for the prior article):

Ted
After his girlfriend threatened to end their relationship if Ted didn't get help in therapy, Ted contacted a psychotherapist and reluctantly began psychotherapy.

Understanding Internal and External Psychological Defense Mechanisms

Ted explained to his psychotherapist that his girlfriend of two years, Amy, told him that he was too defensive and this was causing problems in their relationship.  He said that Amy indicated that she felt frustrated with him because he couldn't admit when his behavior caused problems between them.

His psychotherapist noticed that as he talked to her, Ted frequently looked away as if he was uncomfortable (non-verbal tactical defense mechanism: lack of eye contact).  He also spoke about his problems in the relationship in a vague way so that she would need to ask him to be more specific (verbal - tactical defense mechanism: vagueness).

She also noticed that Ted was sitting slumped with his arms folded across his chest and with legs crossed looking uncomfortable (non-verbal tactical defense mechanism: posture and body language).

Since Ted was only talking about what Amy thought were the problems in the relationship, the psychotherapist asked him about his opinions.  In response, after thinking about it for a minute or so, he responded by saying in a sarcastic tone, "I think things are perfect between us. (verbal - tactical defense mechanism: sarcasm).

Then, when he saw that the therapist was still waiting for his answer, he cleared his throat and said, "I'm just kidding.  Of course, I think we have problems, and I acknowledge that I can be defensive, but I think she's too hard on me" (verbal - tactical: dismissive/blaming).

Seeing that Ted was uncomfortable and highly defended, the psychotherapist realized that this was probably what Amy was dealing with in their relationship.  So, with much empathy, she decided to tactfully bring up Ted's discomfort and defensiveness in the session with her.

"I know it's difficult to begin therapy, especially during the first few sessions before you're comfortable with me.  I wonder if you've noticed that your defensiveness as we are talking," she said.

At first, Ted denied being defensive (regressive - intrapsychic: denial), so his psychotherapist pointed out the defense mechanisms that he had used so far in the therapy session at the same time that she reiterated that she understood that it's difficult to talk to a stranger about personal problems.

Ted thought about what the psychotherapist said, and he responded by beginning to talk about something unrelated to what they were discussing (verbal - tactical: changing the subject).

His therapist responded by bringing Ted back to the issue that they had been discussing and telling him that she thought it would help him to use the therapy sessions to begin to become aware of his defensive behavior.

When she asked him if he wanted the dynamic between him and Amy to improve or if he was ready to allow the relationship to end, Ted looked at her directly and said, "I don't want to lose Amy.  That's why I'm here.  I know I've been screwing up in our relationship.  It's just hard to face it."

His psychotherapist acknowledged that change is hard, especially if Ted's defensive behavior was an emotional survival strategy he learned to survive when he was younger.  In response, Ted acknowledged that he had a hard time in his family when he was growing up because both of his parents were perfectionists and he was made to feel ashamed when he made a mistake.

Over the next few sessions, the psychotherapist helped Ted to appreciate how important it was for him to use an emotional survival strategy when he was younger because it was the only way he knew how to survive with punitive parents, but that same survival strategy, defensive behavior, was no longer working for him as an adult.  In fact, she said, it's causing problems for him.

Gradually, Ted became more aware of how often he used defense mechanisms to ward off his uncomfortable feelings in the therapy sessions.  This helped him to bring that awareness to his relationship as well, so he was less defensive.

As Ted became more comfortable with his therapist over time, they worked on his unresolved childhood trauma that was at the root of his defensive behavior.  There were still times when he occasionally engaged in defensive behavior, but when he did, he was aware of it and acknowledged it to his therapist and to Amy.

Over time, Ted felt more comfortable being open with Amy and so he was less defensive.  He was able to communicate in an honest way about his feelings without being afraid that there would be the kind of repercussions that he experienced when he was a child.

Conclusion
Defense mechanisms are usually a life-saving emotional survival strategy when children are in an abusive and/or neglectful home and they have no other options.  These defense mechanisms help to ward off emotions that would have been overwhelming to a child.

But when that child becomes an adult, a propensity for defensive behavior causes problems.  The adult needs to first become aware of his defensive behavior and then learn new ways of relating and communicating.  If he has unresolved childhood trauma, he and his psychotherapist also need to work on resolving that trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Defensive behavior is often unconscious so the the person who engages in it is usually unaware that he is doing so.

A skilled psychotherapist, who is tactful and empathetic, can help a client become aware of his defensive dynamic and help him to learn new ways of relating (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A psychotherapist, who is a trauma therapist, can help the client to work through underlying unresolved trauma that is at the root of the defensive behavior (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you have been experiencing the negative consequences of defensive behavior, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy so you can free yourself of this problem.  Once you have learned healthier ways of relating and you have worked through unresolved trauma, you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Internal and External Psychological Defense Mechanisms - Part 1

I have discussed defense mechanisms in prior articles, including:

• Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness

• Seeing Yourself as Being "Rational" vs. Experiencing Shame For Not Being Able to Feel

• Seeing Yourself as "Independent" vs. Feeling Shame For Feeling Like a Burden

Understanding Internal and External Psychological Defense Mechanisms

In this article, I'm beginning a discussion about internal/intrapsychic and external/interpersonal defense mechanisms by identifying them.

In my next article, I'll discuss the consequences of using these defense mechanisms that alienate you from yourself and others.

Generally speaking, defense mechanisms are either directed inward against your own uncomfortable feelings or they are directed outward to avoid closeness or meaningful contact with others.

As I've mentioned in prior articles, defense mechanisms are often perceived as being negative.  But they can be life-saving for a child and living in a home where s/he is being abused or neglected (or both).  They serve as an important emotional survival strategy (also known as defense mechanisms) to keep the child from feeling overwhelmed in a situation where s/he can neither fight nor flee.

But, unfortunately, as that same child becomes an adult, these emotional survival strategies get in the way of having healthy relationships with oneself and others.  In order to maintain emotional distance, the adult ends up paying a high price by staying in a "bubble" (see my article: Emotional Survival Strategies That No Longer Work For You: "I Don't Need Anyone").

If you have been using defense mechanisms extensively in your life, they become so much a part of you that they are difficult for you to see without the help of a psychotherapist.  A skilled psychotherapist can help you to see how these defenses are "protecting" you and, at the same time, how they're also getting in the way of your relationship with yourself and others.

Of course, it's all a matter of degree.  No one would survive emotionally if s/he didn't use defense mechanisms at certain times to a degree.  But defense mechanisms become a problem when they alienate you from yourself and others.  I'll write more about this in my next article.

Common Intrapsychic/Internal Psychological Defense Mechanisms
Intrapsychic/internal defense mechanisms are used between you and your inner world to ward off what would be uncomfortable for you to experience.

These include both repressive and regressive defense mechanisms.

The repressive defense mechanisms serve to hold back uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, fantasies or impulses.

The regressive defense mechanisms are child-like mechanisms that were used at a younger stage in life that are used again as an adult.  These defense mechanisms are usually unconscious and, as previously mentioned, difficult for the individual who uses them to see.

Repressive:

• Intellectualization
• Rationalization
• Worrying
• Rumination
• Minimization
• Displacement
• Reaction Formation
• Ignoring
• Avoidance
• Procrastination
• Externalization
• Distraction
• Self-attacking thoughts
• Addictive Behavior

Regressive:

• Projection
• Denial 
• Acting Out
• Repetition Compulsion
• Imitation
• Identifying with the Aggressor
• Passive-Aggressiveness
• Isolation of Affect
• Somatization

Common Tactical/External Defense Mechanisms
Tactical/external defense mechanisms are character defenses that are used between you and others.  If you habitually use tactical defense mechanisms, they're ingrained in your personality.

In effect, these defense mechanisms provide a wall between you and others to avoid closeness or to keep others at a distance.

Aside from personal relationships, these defense mechanisms are also used unconsciously by many clients in psychotherapy as a way to avoid developing a therapeutic relationship with their psychotherapist.  Since the behavior is unconscious, clients don't realize that they're doing it.  But, at the same time, using these defense mechanisms hampers the work in therapy because a positive outcome in psychotherapy is dependent upon a good working alliance between the client and the psychotherapist.

Like intrapsychic conflicts, these defense mechanisms are usually unconscious so they are difficult for you to detect on your own without help from a psychotherapist.

Verbal:

• Vagueness
• Speaking in generalities
• Contradictory statements
• Sarcasm
• Changing the subject
• Argumentativeness
• Dismissiveness and blaming
• Distancing
• Passivity
• 3rd person speech
• Playing games

Non-verbal:

• Body language
• Physical presence
• Eye contact/lack of eye contact
• Fake smile and laughter
• Weepiness and crying
• Acting out
• Posture
• Voice and tonality
• Speed of talk
• Withdrawal
• Detachment
• Grooming and appearance
• Weight and physical shape

Most people who tend to use defense mechanisms to ward off uncomfortable feelings internally and/or externally to keep others at a distance, don't seek help until they're experiencing significant consequences either within themselves or in their relationships or both.

See my next upcoming article for a continuation of this discussion.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you think your defensiveness causes problems in your life, you could benefit from seeking help in therapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify the defense mechanisms that you use either internally and/or externally.  Also, over time, a skilled mental health professional can help you to feel safe enough to relate to yourself and others in a healthier way (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

As I mentioned before, defensive behavior is usually longstanding and ingrained by the time you become an adult, so the work in therapy isn't easy or fast.

A psychotherapist can assist you to expand your emotional window of tolerance so you can gradually tolerate emotions that were once too uncomfortable for you.  An expanded window of tolerance can allow you to come out of the "bubble" that you've kept yourself in (see my article: Expanding Your Emotional Window of Tolerance in Psychotherapy).

Once you're free of the kind of defensive behavior that is keeping you alienated from yourself and others, you can live a fuller, more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome developmental and shock trauma.  

I have also helped clients, who used defensive behavior for self alienation as well as alienation from others, to gradually feel safe enough to expand their emotional window of tolerance, so they could change.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.