What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in a Relationship?

There can be a thin line between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Since this is a topic that often comes up in couples therapy and sex therapy sessions, it's the focus of the current article.  

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Where you draw the boundary between privacy and secrecy is a personal choice, but be aware that there can be serious consequences to keeping secrets, especially if you or your partner feel betrayed.

What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?

Let's start by defining the difference between privacy and secrecy and then looking at examples of each.

Privacy

Generally, privacy is consensual with both parties agreeing to the boundaries.

Privacy is also non-threatening to you and your partner because you have an agreement.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

Secrecy

Secrecy is nonconsensual.  It hasn't been agreed to by you and your partner and there's no understanding about the boundaries. 

There are often selfish motives to secrecy that only protect the interests of the partner keeping the secret and would be potentially detrimental to the other partner.

Questions For Self Reflection

You and your partner might differ in how you each understand privacy and secrecy, which can create conflict and even jeopardize your relationship.

As a first step, it's important to do some personal introspection and consider the following questions for yourself:

• What are your true motives in keeping something hidden from my partner?

• Are you spending a lot of time and effort in trying to keep it hidden?

• Are you deluding yourself about the possible consequences by telling yourself, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt them?"

• Are you hiding people, activities, plans or events in your life from your partner?

• Are you hiding financial matters from your partner, like credit card bills, hotel receipts and so on, when you have an agreement to share financial information (see my article: Financial Infidelity is a Major Issue in Many Relationships)

• Are you enlisting the help of friends or family members in keeping aspects of your life hidden from your partner?

• What are the underlying emotions involved with your behavior? Fear? Shame? Anxiety? Guilt? Sadness?

• Has your behavior created emotional and/or sexual distance between you and your partner due the hidden aspects of your life and your underlying emotions about it?

• Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner if they find out or if others find out?

Answering "Yes" to the questions listed above point to keeping a secret rather than maintaining privacy. 

Lies include not only what you say but what you don't say, which are considered lies of omission (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

Also, consider these questions:

• As an empathetic person who cares about your partner, do you have a sense of peace about not revealing certain matters to your partner?  

• If so, what's behind your sense of peace?

• Does your decision coincide with an understanding and agreement you and your partner already have?

If you're being honest about your motives and you said "Yes" to the three questions immediately above, it appears that you're maintaining your privacy and not keeping secrets.

An Example of Maintaining Privacy

Angela and Sara are in a long term relationship. They each know that the other masturbates privately and they have agreed they don't need to talk about the details of their sexual fantasies when it involves other people--as long as they don't get involved with others in real life. Neither of them feels threatened by these fantasies.

Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship

An Example of Keeping a Secret

Jim and Betty have been together for two years, and they have an agreement to be monogamous. Jim values his relationship with Betty, but he can't stop thinking about his ex, Jane.  Occasionally, he meets Jane for coffee without telling Betty. He and Jane talk about the possibility of getting back together again, but Jim doesn't want to break up with Betty.  Jim justifies these get-togethers with Jane because he tells himself that nothing sexual has occurred between them. So, he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He also feels that since Betty doesn't know that he meets with Jane, she won't be hurt by it. But one day Betty walked into the cafe where Jim and Betty go. She saw them sitting close together and talking softly, and she felt devastated and betrayed. Later that night, she confronted Jim, but he denied doing anything wrong. Soon after that Jim and Betty started couples therapy to try to work out their differences with regard to privacy and secrecy and Betty's feelings of betrayal.

Conclusion

There's a difference between privacy and secrecy in a relationship.

Each couple needs to have an understanding of what the boundaries are in their relationship and honor their agreement.

If you're confused about whether you're maintaining your privacy or keeping a secret, ask yourself the self reflective questions mentioned in this article.

If you are intentionally withholding information from your partner which leads your partner to believe things that are untrue (like you're monogamous when you're cheating), this is considered a lie of omission and your maintaining a secret.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're having problems in your relationship with secrets, get help in individual or couples therapy.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

You usually don't get to really know someone that you're seeing until you've been with them for a while.  During the initial "honeymoon" stage of the relationship, everything might seem like it's going well.  

But with increased emotional intimacy, core emotional issues begin to come up, and that's when there might be signs that you're in a toxic relationship. 

See my article: 

Are Your Fears of Being Alone and Lonely Keeping You in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Letting Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again

Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

• Controlling Behavior: What might appear to be concern at first might actually be controlling behavior.  If you're romantic partner needs to always know where you are, whom you're with or makes attempts to control your behavior in other ways, this is a red flag for a toxic relationship.

• Excessive Jealousy:  This often goes along with controlling behavior.  Initially, it might come across as your partner being so in love with you, but excessive jealousy has nothing to do with love--it has all to do with your partner's insecurity.

• Excessive Judgment and Criticism: Your partner might mask signs of excessive judgment and criticism as "suggestions," but if these so-called suggestions undermine your sense of self worth, it's another red flag that you're in a toxic relationship.  This often goes along with controlling behavior and excessive jealousy (see my article: Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Self Esteem?).

• Emotional Abuse: Excessive judgment, criticism, name calling, efforts to undermine your self esteem are forms of emotional abuse.  If your partner exhibits these behaviors, you're being emotionally abused.  Needless to say, physical abuse is dangerous and if your partner is physically abusing you, you should get out of that relationship as soon as possible (see my article: Relationships: Why Emotional Abuse Might Seem "Normal" to You).

Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

• Lack of Emotional Support:  If your partner tends to be unable to be there for you emotionally when you're going through a hard time, this is a sign that you're not getting the emotional support that you need and you're probably in a toxic relationship.

• Taking and No Giving: Related to lack of emotional support is the romantic partner who tends to want to take emotional support from you but who is unwilling to give you emotional support.  If you're in this situation, your relationship is one-sided and toxic.

• Constant Drama: Constant drama can be emotionally and physically draining.  There are often other underlying issues going on that you might never figure out.  In any case, emotional drama requires a lot of effort and attention and it often accomplishes nothing.  This is a sign that you're in an unhealthy, toxic relationship (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster).

• Constant Disappointment: If your romantic partner is unable to keep promises and commitments, you're going to be constantly disappointed.  This is a sign that your partner isn't emotionally reliable, and it's a bad sign for a relationship (see my article: Keeping or Breaking Your Promises).

• Constant Lies, Including Lies of Omission:  Few things are worse for a relationship than dealing with constant lies.  Lies, including lies of omission, are toxic and can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission).

These are some of the major red flags for a toxic relationship.

As I mentioned earlier, these signs usually don't show up until the relationship has become more emotionally intimate because intimacy tends to bring up core issues for people.

Getting Help in Therapy
Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is the first step.  Knowing what to do after you recognize these signs is another matter.

It's possible that, even though you recognize these signs, you're ambivalent about getting out of the relationship--even though you know it's unhealthy for you.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand what keeps you stuck in an unhealthy relationship and how to take care of yourself (see my articles:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Struggling on your own can make you feel worse about yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own or relying on friends who tell you unhelpful things like, "Just get out!," get help from an experienced psychotherapist who has helped other clients to overcome this issue.  Not only will you resolve your problem, but you'll feel better about yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Related Articles
Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

The Problem With Trying to Change or "Improve" Your Romantic Partner

Relationships: I'll Change Him/Her After We Get Married.

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships - Lies of Omission

In prior blog posts about couples counseling, I've explored the topic of trust with regard to infidelity in relationships. This is one important aspect of mistrust in relationships. In this blog post, I would like to explore another aspect of trust and mistrust that I see as a NYC therapist who works with individuals and couples, specifically the topic of "lies of omission."

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission

When we talk about trust, generally, we recognize that, in most cases, there are degrees of trust rather than either total trust or total mistrust, and this can change over time in a relationship.

We also recognize that when trust is an issue in a relationship, like most other issues, the individuals' family histories are often a contributing factor as to how the issue plays out and how it affects the current relationship.

A composite vignette should help to illustrate these points. As always, composite vignettes are representative of numerous cases and do not violate confidentiality:

Sandy and Tom:
When Sandy and Tom came to see me for marriage counseling, they were married for three years. Both of them were accomplished professionals in their 30s.  It was the first marriage for both of them.

The main issue that brought them into marriage counseling was that Sandy felt she could not trust Tom at times. They both agreed there were no issues of infidelity.

The main problem seemed to be that, over time, Sandy detected a recurring pattern where Tom deliberately withheld certain information from her about an insignificant aspect of whatever topic he was discussing.

Her concern was more about the recurring pattern of deliberately not telling her certain things and not about the particular piece of information that he left out. She was completely confused and hurt about Tom's lies of omission.

Tom acknowledged that he often felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sandy. He agreed with Sandy that, when each example was looked at by itself, it didn't seem significant. However, when looked at as a pattern of his communication with Sandy, it raised a "red flag." He seemed to be just as baffled by his behavior as Sandy was, and he wanted to change this pattern.

Lies of Omission: Tom acknowledged that he felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sally

To illustrate her point, Sandy gave numerous examples. Each of them seemed to be of no particular importance, except when looked at together as a pattern.

A typical example was when Tom told Sandy about a business dinner and discussed each person in detail--except one. He never mentioned that person at all. There was nothing particularly significant about this one person's attendance at the meeting, and Sandy had no reason to be concerned about this person.

What was significant was that Tom felt the need, as he often did, to withhold a particular piece of information from Sandy.

He acknowledged that he had deliberately withheld this information, and if he had not withheld this particular piece of information, he would have withheld some other insignificant piece of information.

Usually, later on, whatever Tom had omitted would come to light in some other way, and Sandy would be confused about why Tom had not told her.

Exploration of Tom's background revealed that both of his parents were loving and nurturing towards him, but they were also highly intrusive. As a child, Tom was not allowed to close the door to his room because his parents wanted to be able to see what he was doing at any given time.

As a result, Tom felt he had no privacy until he moved out to go to college. Tom had never thought much about this before but, as we continued to explore his family background, he traced back his pattern of engaging in lies of omission to the time he was about 10 or 11 years old.

Over time, as we continued to discuss this in marriage counseling, Tom realized that he resented his parents' intrusiveness and he compensated for it, without realizing it, by finding ways to withhold certain information from them.

Unconsciously, he found a way to preserve certain things for himself that he did not want to share with them. None of the things that he kept from them were significant--it was more the idea that he could have something for himself that his parents could not intrude upon.

Realizing this was a major breakthrough for Tom and it served as a starting point to change his pattern of communication with Sandy. And, once Sandy understood more fully how his parents' intrusiveness affected him, she felt a lot more compassion for Tom, and she became more patient.

When looked at from the perspective of a young boy who felt relentlessly impinged upon by his parents, you could begin to understand how Tom would develop an unconscious pattern of withholding information.

As a child, he didn't have the ability to stop his parents from being intrusive or to communicate his discomfort to them or to cope with it in other ways. As a result, he did the only thing he knew how to do to preserve a sense of privacy for himself.

So, what started out as a way to cope with intrusive parents developed into a maladaptive form of communication with his wife. And since his wife was not an intrusive person, in reality, Tom had no reason to continue this pattern, but it had become habitual.

Although it took a while for Tom to feel "safe" enough to be more open with Sandy, eventually, he did learn to stop engaging in lies of omission, and this significantly improved the relationship.

Tom Was Able to Change His Pattern of Lying After He Worked Through Childhood Issues

An Excuse to Lie?
Reading this vignette, some people might think that Tom used his family background as a convenient excuse to be withholding with Sandy.

However, as a psychotherapist in the room with a client who is describing the pain and feelings of powerlessness of never having privacy as a child and feeling constantly intruded upon by well-meaning but intrusive parents, I have a clear sense that this type of family background can have a profound effect on a child.

It's not a matter of condoning this behavior, but of understanding the origins of it. And the unconscious patterns that we develop as children often don't disappear automatically when we become adults. Often, we carry these patterns into our adult relationships where they have adverse effects.

Without understanding the significance of how certain patterns develop and just looking at these circumstances on the surface, many people might say, "Why doesn't he just get over it?"

However, often, once the roots of the problem are traced back, we can see the complexity of the problem more clearly.

So, rather than looking at it in terms of someone making convenient excuses for his problem, it becomes a starting point for understanding the problem and it often contains the key for the resolution.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner struggle with similar issues in your relationship, you could benefit from attending couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who works with with individual adults and couples. I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.