The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times

I'll never forget that day.  I hadn't seen my friend, Mary*, in many years and I was feeling awkward and a little uneasy as I waited for her to come to the restaurant where we agreed to meet for lunch in the old neighborhood (see my article: Coping with Loneliness and Social Isolation)..

The Powerful Impact of Kindness

Throughout childhood and adolescence, we had been inseparable. People in our neighborhood would tease us by saying we were the "Bobsey Twins" because wherever you saw one of us, the other was either right there next to her or not far behind.

We often talked about wanting to move out of our neighborhood in Brooklyn, which felt like a small, claustrophobic town in many ways.  But when we graduated high school and I was ready to leave, like a few of my friends who said they would move away the day after graduation, Mary wasn't ready to move away and she remained behind with her family.

We maintained contact for a while, but our lives changed in ways we couldn't have anticipated.  I was busy with a full time job and part time college classes at night.  And Mary met the man who eventually became her husband and she focused on her relationship with him.  I had also made new friends in the women's residence where I was living in the West Village and I was spending more time with them.

Over time, Mary and I gradually lost touch. Whenever she ran into my mother in the old neighborhood, Mary asked about me and wanted to know what was going on in my life, and I was eager for whatever news my mother could provide to me about Mary.  But, for some reason, we didn't pick up the phone anymore to speak to each other directly.

Then, one day, when I was in my early 20s and visiting my mother in her kitchen, she told me that she had some bad news about Mary.  I braced myself for bad news about a health problem or news about problems in Mary's marriage.  But what my mother told me shocked me beyond belief--Mary was incarcerated for stealing money from her employer.

I remember feeling completely stunned, as if time had stopped and I was caught in a moment of suspended animation.  This didn't sound at all like the Mary that I knew. When I could finally speak, all I could stammer was, "Why? How? What happened?"

My mother told me what she knew, which wasn't a lot. She had run into Mary's Aunt Rose in the grocery store and she confided in my mother.  I knew Aunt Rose well, and I could imagine how upset she must have been.  As I was thinking about this, my mother handed me an address where Mary could receive mail, and she told me that Aunt Rose said Mary would like to hear from me.

I looked at that piece of paper with the address for several days feeling helpless and useless. I wasn't sure what I could say to Mary, after so much time had passed, that would make any difference to her.

I composed several drafts of letters and crumpled each one after a few sentences because my words felt so inadequate to the situation.

The letter that I finally sent to Mary was similar to the drafts I had crumpled up, and it felt woefully inadequate.  But I knew she wanted to hear from me, and I didn't want to disappoint her, so I sent it.

Time passed.  I heard nothing from Mary, and whenever I thought about the letter I sent to her, I felt embarrassed and awkward.  I wanted to say just the right words to let her know how sorry I was that we had lost touch and how I was thinking about her, but I felt like I had failed, especially since I didn't hear a word from her in so long.

Then, one day I got a call from Mary after she had been released from prison.  It was a brief call and she sounded just as awkward as I was feeling.  We agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in the old neighborhood that we used to go to when we were teens.

When Mary arrived, she looked thinner than I remembered her, but when she smiled that unmistakable crooked smile, I felt a little more at ease.  After a few minutes of small talk, she told me why she embezzled the money from her employer.

It started in a small way when she needed money, she explained, and then, because it was so easy, she started taking more and more money.  Little did she know that her employer was capturing her on video, and by the time they confronted her, they had all the evidence they needed to send her to prison. She couldn't afford an attorney, so she accepted the court-appointed attorney and he encouraged her to plead guilty, which led to her incarceration.

All the while that Mary was telling me her story, she was looking away.  Then, she turned to me and told me, "But I want to tell you what really made a difference while I was incarcerated--that letter you sent me.  You helped me to remember that I was much more than my current circumstances and you encouraged me to be hopeful.  And whenever I felt myself feeling hopeless, I reread your letter and I felt better.  I'm sorry I never wrote back but, after all these years, I wanted to let you know and to thank you because your letter kept me going."

As I listened to her words, I was stunned.  At that point, I barely remembered what I wrote, but here she was telling me that the letter I thought was so inadequate and insignificant had actually had a powerful impact on Mary that I never could've anticipated.

She went onto say that she still had the letter, and whenever she felt down, she reread it and it brought back memories of our childhood friendship, all we had meant to each other and a renewed sense of hope.

I wish I could say that Mary and I resumed a close friendship, but that didn't happen.  Although we had a long history together when we were young children and teens, we both had changed a lot and we had little in common anymore, other than our history.  But I was grateful that she told me about the impact that my letter had on her and that she continued to find it a source of hope and inspiration.

In my own life, friends' acts of kindness have meant so much to me.

I remember when my mother died several years ago, I was missing my friend, Alice*, who had moved out of state several months before.  At that point, we had been close friends for over 20 years, and I missed her terribly as I lived through my mother's final days in hospice.

On the morning of my mother's funeral Mass, Alice drove five hours to be with me.  When I saw her outside the church, I hugged her and felt enveloped in her love and friendship.  I had been dreading that day, but now with Alice sitting next to me in the church pew, I felt my grief, although heavy, was bearable.

To this day, whenever I think of my mother's passing, those memories are inextricably linked to being with Alice and feeling loved and supported by her.  I still miss my mother, but whenever I think of her passing, I also remember the warmth of Alice's arm around my shoulders and how she radiated love and compassion on that day.

I also remember that Alice knew my mother at a time when my mother was vibrant and robust, and we still talk about those times and reminsce.  We can still laugh at things my mother used to say and do, and it feels like a healing balm to be able to go back in time and remember those happier times.

The Powerful Impact of Kindness During Difficult Times
Like me, you might think that a small gesture of kindness feels so inadequate during difficult times.  But, like me, you probably would discover that what you thought was inadequate meant so much to someone going through a difficult time.  It can be the thing that gets them through.

It can feel corny and unsophisticated to talk about random acts of kindness, but I don't think it's corny at all to be able to reach out to someone in kindness. It's not about doing it perfectly or having the exact right words or even making a grand gesture.  It's more about your intention and how it touches the other person.

So during times when you feel yourself struggling about how or what to do or say, don't focus on feelings of awkwardness or inadequacy.  Instead, trust that most people will understand that you're trying to make a difference in their life--however small your act of kindness might be. In all likelihood, they will understand your intention and be touched by it.

I heard recently that suicidality is on the rise as people feel increasingly lonely and isolated.  So, it's more important than ever, in a world where people are often unkind to one another, to try to find ways to extend kindness to people you know and, maybe, even to people you don't know.

Random Acts of Kindness
Random acts of kindness can include:

• Expressing gratitude to a friend or loved one (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude to Your Spouse or Partner).
• Calling a friend or family member to check in on how they're doing during a difficult time.  Let them know you're thinking of them by reaching out.
• Telling your local grocery store clerk or stockperson how much you appreciate him or her being there during the COVID-19 health crisis.
• Asking an elderly, sick or disabled neighbor if you can pick up grocery for them.
• Sending a friend or loved one a funny cartoon or words of inspiration.
• Reminding a loved one that the crisis will eventually pass.
• Meditating or praying with a friend on a video chat or phone call.
• Making amends, where it's appropriate to do so, with a loved one.
• Checking in with a loved one who has a history of depression, anxiety or substance abuse to find out how they're doing.
• Helping a friend by reminding them that they have gone through other difficult times and they will get through the current stressful time.
• Helping a friend to find therapy when your friend might be feeling too overwhelmed to do it on his or her own.

We all need to overcome our feelings of awkwardness and embarassment during times of crisis to reach out to others.

Sometimes we're more focused on appearing intelligent and witty, but that's not necessary to have an impact on someone's life.  Even a kind word or expression of gratitude on someone's Facebook page can make a difference when that person realizes that they're in your thoughts.

Like me, you might not find out about the impact of your kindness until many years later or ever.  But opening your heart to someone, even with a small gesture, can make all the difference for that other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference.

We can all benefit from acts of kindness, but there are times when the clinical expertise of an experienced therapist is also what is needed and can make all the difference.

Psychotherapy can be a life changing process. It can make the difference between allowing despair to become overwhelming and unmanageable and feeling supported and resilient.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

During this time of social distancing, based on licensing laws, I can provide phone sessions and online sessions for adults in New York State.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


*Names and all identifying information have been changed to protect the identify of people mentioned in this article.

Relationships: Is Your Partner's Behavior Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

I've written about relationship issues in prior articles (see my articles: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship and Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).  In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between kindness vs. controlling behavior (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That No Longer Works For You: Controlling Behavior).

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over the years, I've met many individual adults and couples where the issue of kindness vs. controlling behavior has come up.  Usually, one or both partners in a relationship weren't sure if what they were experiencing from their partner was kindness, controlling behavior or some combination of the two.

Fictionalized Vignette:  Relationships - Kindness or Controlling Behavior
The following fictionalized vignette is an example of this problem and how psychotherapy can help:

Sara and John
Sara and John, who were together for a year, came to couples therapy because they were having disagreements about what Sara saw as John's controlling behavior and what John saw as his being kind to Sara.

Six months into their relationship, Sara took a job where she had to travel internationally a few times a month.

When Sara began traveling, John asked her to provide him with all the information regarding her flights, arrival time, and hotel.  He also asked her to call call or text him when her plane landed.

At first, Sara wasn't completely comfortable with John's request, but she didn't want John to worry, so she provided him with the information beforehand and would usually call him or send a text message to him when her plane landed.

But there were a few times when she was with colleagues and they were in a hurry to get to a meeting with a customer, so she didn't have time to text John immediately.

She felt she always tried to be considerate of him, so she didn't delay more than 10-15 minutes.  But, when she couldn't reach him immediately, by the time she turned on her phone, she already had a few panicky text messages from John wondering if she was okay.

During those times, John would also call her at the same time that she was texting him, and she didn't have privacy to talk because she was with her colleagues.

After this happened a few times, Sara tried to explain to John that she would always try to text or call as soon as she could, but when he panicked and she had to try to calm him down, he was adding to the stress she was already experiencing on the trip.

John told Sara that he felt hurt that she was experiencing him as adding to her stress when, from his perspective, he was being kind and caring.  He said he didn't want to be controlling.  He cared about her and he just wanted to make sure that she was safe.

Since they were getting nowhere on their own with these arguments, they decided to go to couples therapy.

During their couples therapy sessions, Sara told John and their therapist that she appreciated that John cared about her, but she couldn't understand why he needed to be contacted immediately.  She explained that she was often with senior managers on these business trips, and she didn't always have privacy to try to calm John down when he panicked.

She also expressed feeling confused and annoyed that John felt the need to be contacted immediately when nothing bad had ever happened on her business trips.  She couldn't understand his behavior, and she felt it was a boundary issue between them.

As John listened to Sara during their couples therapy sessions, over time he was able to acknowledge that he worried excessively when Sara traveled, and he wasn't sure why.

Sara told their therapist that, other than these business trips, John didn't try to keep tabs on her at any other time.  He never questioned when she went out with friends or went to business meetings locally.

John said that he tried to stay calm, but 10 minutes or so before he knew Sara's plane was about to land, he would become highly anxious.

By arrival time, he was on the verge of a panic attack imaging all the things that could have gone wrong.  So, he felt he needed to hear from Sara immediately when the plane landed to help him to calm down.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

When he looked back on those times when he was calm, he acknowledged that, even though he still felt that he was being kind, his behavior was excessive, but he didn't know how to calm himself once he began to panic (see my article: Tips For Coping With Panic Attacks).

During one of their couples therapy sessions, John revealed to Sara for the first time that he had a history of panic disorder, and even as a child, he worried excessively whenever his father traveled on business.  He feared that something catastrophic would occur and he would never see his father again.

Since his father was self employed, he was usually on his own, and it wasn't a problem for to call John from his hotel to let him know he landed safely.  All the while, until John got his father's call, he imagined the worst.  But once he received the call, he calmed down.

John said that his parents never took him to see a psychotherapist when he was a child because they thought he was "outgrow" his anxiety.  But he never did and it was a problem in his prior relationships before he met Sara.

John said he felt deeply ashamed of his panic attacks and, as an adult, his shame got in the way of his getting help in therapy.  Even when he was talking about this with Sara and their therapist, his face was red and he didn't make eye contact (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

Since John eventually acknowledged that he had a problem, the couples therapist recommended that John see an individual psychotherapist to work on his anxiety and panic attacks while he and Sara worked in couples therapy to try to resolve these issues in their relationship.

The couples therapist also taught John a few techniques to calm himself when he felt a panic attack coming on (see my articles: Developing Coping Strategies and Internal Resources).

But she said that there were probably deeper issues involved that he would need to work on with an individual psychotherapist.

After John had a few individual sessions to give his family history, his individual psychotherapist recommended that they use a clinical hypnosis technique called the "Affect Bridge" to try to get to the root of his problem.

When they used the Affect Bridge, John remembered overhearing his grandfather talk about a plane accident where the grandfather lost his best friend.

When the grandfather was telling the story to John's parents, none of them knew that John was nearby listening to the conversation, so they talked about the accident in a detailed way that they would not have if they knew that four-year old John was listening to them.

Afterwards, John and his individual psychotherapist talked about what came up during the Affect Bridge.  He said he had completely forgotten about that memory and he was amazed that it was at the root of his panic attacks when Sara traveled.

His individual therapist explained that John was getting emotionally triggered whenever Sara traveled abroad and his fears stemmed from that earlier memory.

She explained that, even though John didn't witness the plane accident that his grandfather talked about, the story was told in such vivid detail that it was almost as if John had witnessed it and he became traumatized by it (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present).

His individual psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR Therapy to help John to overcome the trauma that was getting triggered whenever Sara traveled.

Gradually, as John processed the memory of hearing his grandfather's tragic story, he began to be able to separate out that memory from the times when Sara traveled (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

In the meantime, Sara felt much more compassionate towards John after she realized he was getting triggered.  She told John in their couples therapy that she now understood why he would become so upset.

Until John could work through the original trauma that was getting triggered, Sara continued to call or text John so he wouldn't worry.  But when she couldn't contact him immediately, John used the techniques he learned in his therapy to stay calm.

Relationships: Kindness or Controlling Behavior?

Over time, when John worked through the original trauma with EMDR therapy, he no longer kept tabs on when Sara's plane landed and he no longer panicked.

After a while, when he was no longer symptomatic, John told Sara that it was no longer necessary for her to contact him--he could wait to hear from her whenever it was convenient for her.

Conclusion
Sometimes, it's difficult to distinguish between kindness and controlling behavior.

There are times when what is meant to be kind also has elements of controlling behavior.  Sometimes, there are more than just elements--it's mostly controlling behavior and the person who is engaging in it has little to no insight into it.

The vignette above is one example of this kindness vs. controlling behavior.

There are many other examples:

• The parents who tend to show up at their adult child and spouse's home without calling ahead to see if it's convenient for them because they want to see them--even though this feels intrusive to their adult child or the spouse.  If couple tries to set a boundary with the parents, the parents feel offended because, from their perspective, they're just trying to be "nice." Then, the adult child and the spouse feel guilty for hurting the parents (see my article: Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship and Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship).

• The friend, who tends to want to help by giving unsolicited advice, and then gets angry when the friend with the problem tries to set a boundary with her (see my article: Friendships: Losing a Friend After Giving Advice).

• The overprotective boss who gets involved in her employees' personal problems and tries to resolve these problems.  When an employee, who feels the boss is being intrusive, tells the boss tactfully that she doesn't want to talk to her about it, the boss becomes offended.  From her perspective, she only wants to help.

And so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although you have a right to set boundaries with the other people, setting boundaries can be difficult, and these situations aren't always easy to work through on your own, especially if the person who thinks s/he is being kind takes offense to boundary setting.

If you find yourself in this type of situation and you've been unable to resolve it on your own, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to discern what's going on and how to deal with it (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could get help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience assisting clients to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Becoming Aware of What We Offer in Our Interactions with Others

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Someone shared this aphorism with me this morning. It's attributed to Buddha, even though I'm not a Buddhist, I've been thinking about its meaning throughout the day in terms of my everyday interactions with friends, family, and clients.

Living and working in NYC, in any given day, I interact with many people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, ages, races, cultures, traditions, and economic backgrounds. It seems to me that what most of us have in common is that we want to lead happy, peaceful, and meaningful lives, no matter who we are, where we come from or what our hopes and dreams are for the future. So, it's worthwhile, from time to time, to consider what we offer others in our daily interactions.

Are we mindful of the effect that we have on others?

Do we offer encouragement or discouragement?

Do we offer compassion or indifference?

In one of my prior articles, I discussed the idea of emotional saboteurs primarily from the perspective of the person who might find themselves faced with someone who, however unwittingly, might sabotage their endeavors. But it occurs to me that, if we are not mindful about it, anyone of us could be on the other end of this dynamic--being the one who might be emotionally sabotaging others. It could happen so easily without our even realizing it.

Even in our most simple daily interactions, there's often room for compassion and kindness to others, even when we might not be able to see it at first.

Mindfulness in Your Everyday Interactions with Others
I'm reminded of a brief interaction that I had several months ago with a cashier at the organic store where I usually get my dinner before I see clients in my psychotherapy private practice.
Usually, I'm in a hurry to buy the food and go back to my office for a short dinner break before my first evening client arrives. There is a particular cashier in this store who is usually cheerful and pleasant. But she looked worried, sad and distracted that day.

I was really struck by this because it seemed so unusual for her, and I usually looked forward to seeing her and exchanging pleasantries with her. But on this day, I could tell that there was something very wrong. Not wanting to intrude, I asked her how her day was going, opening up the possibility for her to talk about whatever might be going on, if she wanted to.

She seemed relieved to be able to tell someone what she was worried about, and she began to tell me about how worried she was about a medical bill that she received in error that her insurance company refused to cover. Without getting into the details of this woman's problem, after she told me about it, I realized that she was getting the runaround from the insurance company as well as the hospital. And it seemed that she was being taken advantage of because she's not from this country originally. Her bill was in the thousands of dollars and she had no idea how she would ever pay for it on her cashier's salary.

Since I'm a clinical social worker, as well as a psychotherapist, and I've helped many people with this type of problem over the years in the past, I was able to give her information about who to call and what she could do to advocate for herself. For me, it was a small gesture that took almost no time or effort on my part. But for her, it was very valuable information because she said that no one, including the social workers at the hospital, who should have been able to help her, was being helpful. Knowing that she had rights as a patient and knowing that there was something that she could do, changed her whole demeanor. She looked like her usual cheerful self again and she was very grateful.

When I went into the store the next time, she went out of her way to greet me and tell me that she was able to resolve her problem using the information that I gave her, and the hospital and the insurance company straightened out the mistake so everyone involved agreed that she was not responsible for the hospital bill. Ever since that time, she has been even more pleasant and friendly whenever I've seen her. And she was able to tell me that, once she resolved that problem, it had a positive ripple effect on her family, who had also been worried about the bill.

This is a simple example. It's not meant to brag about my good deed or to say how wonderful I think I am, but to show that any one of us , each in our own way, can have a positive effect on someone else's life without having to make very much of an effort, if we are mindful of the opportuniites when they come along. And that positive effect that we have on one person can ripple through to others.

On another day, if I had been distracted or too much in a hurry or if I had decided not to ask this woman how she was, there might have been a very different outcome for her and her family. And for me too--because afterwards I realized that it often takes so little in our interactions with others to have a positive effect.

We Can Affect Positive Change through Mindful Interactions with Others
And, most of the time, just like the candle in the aphorism at the beginning of this article, whether we are sharing our happiness, inspiration, or information, our efforts do not take anything away from us. If anything, these interactions with others allow us to see that, in a world where we often feel that we are powerless to affect change, we can often affect positive change in the lives of others, one person at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.