Becoming Aware of What We Offer in Our Interactions with Others

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
Buddha

Someone shared this aphorism with me this morning. It's attributed to Buddha, even though I'm not a Buddhist, I've been thinking about its meaning throughout the day in terms of my everyday interactions with friends, family, and clients.

Living and working in NYC, in any given day, I interact with many people of diverse ethnic backgrounds, ages, races, cultures, traditions, and economic backgrounds. It seems to me that what most of us have in common is that we want to lead happy, peaceful, and meaningful lives, no matter who we are, where we come from or what our hopes and dreams are for the future. So, it's worthwhile, from time to time, to consider what we offer others in our daily interactions.

Are we mindful of the effect that we have on others?

Do we offer encouragement or discouragement?

Do we offer compassion or indifference?

In one of my prior articles, I discussed the idea of emotional saboteurs primarily from the perspective of the person who might find themselves faced with someone who, however unwittingly, might sabotage their endeavors. But it occurs to me that, if we are not mindful about it, anyone of us could be on the other end of this dynamic--being the one who might be emotionally sabotaging others. It could happen so easily without our even realizing it.

Even in our most simple daily interactions, there's often room for compassion and kindness to others, even when we might not be able to see it at first.

Mindfulness in Your Everyday Interactions with Others
I'm reminded of a brief interaction that I had several months ago with a cashier at the organic store where I usually get my dinner before I see clients in my psychotherapy private practice.
Usually, I'm in a hurry to buy the food and go back to my office for a short dinner break before my first evening client arrives. There is a particular cashier in this store who is usually cheerful and pleasant. But she looked worried, sad and distracted that day.

I was really struck by this because it seemed so unusual for her, and I usually looked forward to seeing her and exchanging pleasantries with her. But on this day, I could tell that there was something very wrong. Not wanting to intrude, I asked her how her day was going, opening up the possibility for her to talk about whatever might be going on, if she wanted to.

She seemed relieved to be able to tell someone what she was worried about, and she began to tell me about how worried she was about a medical bill that she received in error that her insurance company refused to cover. Without getting into the details of this woman's problem, after she told me about it, I realized that she was getting the runaround from the insurance company as well as the hospital. And it seemed that she was being taken advantage of because she's not from this country originally. Her bill was in the thousands of dollars and she had no idea how she would ever pay for it on her cashier's salary.

Since I'm a clinical social worker, as well as a psychotherapist, and I've helped many people with this type of problem over the years in the past, I was able to give her information about who to call and what she could do to advocate for herself. For me, it was a small gesture that took almost no time or effort on my part. But for her, it was very valuable information because she said that no one, including the social workers at the hospital, who should have been able to help her, was being helpful. Knowing that she had rights as a patient and knowing that there was something that she could do, changed her whole demeanor. She looked like her usual cheerful self again and she was very grateful.

When I went into the store the next time, she went out of her way to greet me and tell me that she was able to resolve her problem using the information that I gave her, and the hospital and the insurance company straightened out the mistake so everyone involved agreed that she was not responsible for the hospital bill. Ever since that time, she has been even more pleasant and friendly whenever I've seen her. And she was able to tell me that, once she resolved that problem, it had a positive ripple effect on her family, who had also been worried about the bill.

This is a simple example. It's not meant to brag about my good deed or to say how wonderful I think I am, but to show that any one of us , each in our own way, can have a positive effect on someone else's life without having to make very much of an effort, if we are mindful of the opportuniites when they come along. And that positive effect that we have on one person can ripple through to others.

On another day, if I had been distracted or too much in a hurry or if I had decided not to ask this woman how she was, there might have been a very different outcome for her and her family. And for me too--because afterwards I realized that it often takes so little in our interactions with others to have a positive effect.

We Can Affect Positive Change through Mindful Interactions with Others
And, most of the time, just like the candle in the aphorism at the beginning of this article, whether we are sharing our happiness, inspiration, or information, our efforts do not take anything away from us. If anything, these interactions with others allow us to see that, in a world where we often feel that we are powerless to affect change, we can often affect positive change in the lives of others, one person at a time.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Creating a Positive Rippling Effect

In my last post I wrote about The Positive Ripple Effect based on a chapter in Dr. Yalom's latest book, Staring at the Sun. I also gave case examples that I'm personally aware of about the positive rippling effect.

Creating a Positive Ripple Effect

 
Irving Yalom, Ph.D.
Dr. Yalom is an Existential psychotherapist and, while I'm not an Existentialist and I don't agree with all of his views, especially his views about religion and spirituality (basically, he says that he doesn't believe in any type of spirituality), I like his ideas about rippling and the positive effect it can have in an individual's social network and beyond.

The Positive Rippling Effect
When we hear about the positive rippling effect, we often hear about situations where someone has taken a big step towards affecting a change in his or her life as well as the lives of others: the person who engages in an act of courage who inspires others to act, the teacher or mentor who encourages others, the person who starts a movement that inspires others to join in, and so on.

But creating a positive rippling effect doesn't have to involve grand feats of courage or inspiring movements. More often, it's the every day small things that we do that can create a positive rippling effect.

It's a matter of being mindful of how we think and behave with others. It starts with our thoughts because our behavior is usually the result of our thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. In my prior post, if the social services director believed that the situation was hopeless and she could not affect any change in her staff or the clients, she would not have implemented the changes that she did, which had a positive rippling effect in the environment and beyond (see prior post).

Change Begins with Our Thoughts, Attitudes and Beliefs
So, change often begins with our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs, and if you find that your thoughts tend to be pessimistic most of the time, it's worth questioning yourself as to what these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs are based on. Often, pessimistic thoughts are based on a history of disappointments and, in some cases, trauma. Other times, it's a learned pessimistic way of thinking that often is not questioned by the thinker. And, while you might be right that, in certain cases, there is reason to be pessimistic, if you find that this is your overall attitude towards life, you would probably benefit from stepping outside of yourself, taking an objective look, and questioning your overall beliefs and attitudes about life and other people.

So, as I mentioned, creating a positive rippling effect starts with our thoughts and manifests in our mindful actions with others. The positive rippling effect can start with simple acts: smiling at a stranger, giving your seat to an older or disabled person on the train, expressing gratitude to a spouse, friend, colleague or family member, and so on. These are small acts of kindness that, based on the phenomenon of emotional contagion, can ripple from you to that person and from that person to others.

Of course, if you're in a position to create a positive rippling effect by creating bigger changes in your environment, that's wonderful. But the point is that no one should feel discouraged about this because they're only focused on big changes. Small changes often have a way of snowballing into big changes, even if you're not always aware of it.

You can experiment with creating positive rippling effects by becoming aware of how you interact with others: Do you offer encouragement or discouragement? Do you tend to focus on the negative and the "glass being half empty" rather than seeing the positive? What is the quality of your engagement with others? Do you take the time to notice people in your environment and how you affect them? Are you conscious of being ethical with others? Are you empathetic towards others? Are you compassionate?

We all know how good it feels when someone offers us encouragement, compassion, inspiration, or engages in an act of kindness with us. It tends to open us up and allow us to feel that we can do the same for others.

Once you've developed an awareness of how you interact with others, if you don't like what you see in yourself, you can make a conscious effort to change. As with any change, it doesn't have to be perfect. The important step is to make a start. After you practice this for a while, the quality of your interactions with others often changes automatically so that you don't have to make such a conscious effort--you're doing it without even thinking much about it, and your affecting a positive rippling effect in your environment and beyond.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Positive Ripple Effect

I've been reading Dr. Irvin D. Yalom's latest book, Staring at the Sun, which I recommend. Dr. Yalom is a highly-regarded psychiatrist and author who has written several books, including Love's Executioner and When Nietzsche Wept, among others. He has a psychotherapy private practice in California and he specializes in Existential Psychotherapy. While I'm not an Existentialist, I like Yalom's latest book.  

The Positive Ripple Effect

In Chapter 4, Yalom discusses "the ripple effect," the effect that we have on others and how that effect ripples out throughout individuals' social network, often from one generation to the next. He indicates that, when people are struggling with the transience of life, it often helps them to think about the positive effects that they have had on others and how that effect continues to ripple out beyond their immediate social circle in ways that they often don't even realize. Knowing that something you did or said can have a positive rippling effect, sometimes going from one generation to the next, often helps mitigate fears about the transient nature of life.

In addition, the Framingham Heart Study, conducted by Nicholas Christakis of Harvard University, looked at 5,000 people who were followed over a 20 year period. One of the findings was that there was a ripple effect of happiness that spreads within social circles due to the phenomenon known as emotional contagion, where the happy emotions felt by those at the center of the social circle are spread out to the rest of the social network, similar to the concentric circles that you see if you toss a pebble in a pond. Of course, emotional contagion works the other way too--unhappiness can also spread within the social network.

The following vignettes, which are composites of various cases, are examples of the positive ripple effect and emotional contagion factor that I have witnessed in my psychotherapy private practice (all identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality):

Alice:
Alice, who was a clinical social worker, was hired as a director for a social service agency that provided services to the homeless. When she was hired, her predecessor, who was retiring, warned her that morale in the agency was low and many of the caseworkers were unmotivated. By nature, Alice was a positive, upbeat person. No Pollyanna, she had worked in the social service field for many years and she was well aware of the challenges that social workers and caseworkers faced. She had no illusions that her job would be easy.

On her first day, she noticed immediately how unhappy and unmotivated the employees were. Their unhappiness was palatable and hung in the air with a dull heaviness. During the first week, she met with each employee to find out how they felt about their job and any recommendations they had for improvements. What she found was that most employees, especially those who had been there for several years, felt very pessimistic about the impact that they could have with the homeless population. They gave many examples of homeless clients returning again and again after they were domiciled, high alcohol and drug relapse rates, and the frustration of dealing with a cumbersome bureaucracy.

Alice was very concerned about the emotional contagion factor among employees as well as the effect it would have on clients. Within the first few months, she set about making changes to streamline bureaucracy and unnecessary paperwork and implement other important changes. Unlike her predecessor, who spent the last several years waiting for her retirement and who remained distant from employees and clients, Alice was very hands-on. She made sure that she was at the center of things and accessible to everyone.

Initially, her employees found her pleasant, but they were wary of her optimistic nature. However, over time, she started to gradually win them over, especially after she implemented a program where formerly homeless clients, who had gone on to further their education, get good jobs, and felt happy with their lives now, came back to talk to the staff and current homeless clients at the agency. 

These presentations helped to inspire both the caseworkers and the homeless clients. The staff got to see the positive impact that they had on former clients. Many of the current homeless clients at the agency felt hopeful that they too could make positive changes in their lives. 

All of them witnessed the ripple of effect of the staff's efforts and how it continued to have an effect on the former clients' children, the children's friends, and beyond. After a while, morale improved substantially and staff and clients alike began volunteering to work on projects to help improve the physical environment at the center (e.g., painting, putting up artwork, and making repairs). All of this served to have an upward spiraling effect.

Ralph:
Ralph was going through a particularly difficult time in his life. He and his wife had just separated and now he only saw his children on the weekends. He felt sad and pessimistic about his life. As the holidays approached, he dreaded having to attend an upcoming family reunion. He didn't know how he would respond if family members, who knew of his marital separation, asked him about it. He wanted to avoid the whole thing, but he knew this would be upsetting to his parents and other relatives and he didn't want to be alone, so he made the trip back home, expecting the worst.

As he anticipated, some of his relatives asked about the marital separation and it reinforced Ralph's feeling of being a failure in his marriage. This feeling of being a failure clouded his view of himself in just about every other area, even though, in reality, he was successful in his work and he had many friends and family members who cared about him.

At one point, his cousin, Mark approached him. Ralph had not seen Mark in many years, and he groaned inwardly, anticipating that Mark would ask him about Ralph's separation. Mark asked Ralph to take a walk with him around the garden so they could talk. Ralph thought, "Here it comes. He's going to ask me about my marriage." But to Ralph's amazement, Mark told him that he's been wanting to thank him for a long time, and it was way past time to express his gratitude on the positive effect that he had on his life.

At first, Ralph could not imagine what Mark was talking about. Then, Mark proceeded to talk about his incarceration in a federal prison for stealing checks from the mail while he was a postal employee. 

Initially, this made Ralph feel uncomfortable. However, Mark persisted, "I want to thank you for a letter you sent me while I was in prison that really turned my life around." Ralph had a vague recollection of sending Mark a letter, but he could not remember the details. Mark went on, "When you encouraged me to not give up, to use my experience to learn and grow, I really took that to heart. I saved that letter and read it over and over again. It got me through some difficult times in prison and motivated me to get my degree while I was in prison and to find a sense of peace and spirituality. Thank you so much. I've always remembered your words, and I tell my children the same thing when they go through difficult times."

Ralph was stunned and didn't know what to say. Just then, Mark's 13 year old son, Bobby, came out into the garden. Ralph had never met Bobby because he had not seen Mark or his family in many years. When Mark said, "Bobby, this is your cousin, Ralph," Bobby flashed a big smile and looked visibly excited. He said, "Oh, wow! Hi Ralph. It's great to meet you. Dad and I have talked about you a lot. He always tells me, whenever I feel like giving up, what you wrote to him and how much it helped him. Thanks so much."

Ralph felt very moved and held back tears. He had no idea that he had such a positive effect on his cousin and his cousin's family. Before going back into the house, he called his wife, Laura, and asked her if she wanted to try to work things out. To his surprise, she said she was going to call him and ask him the same thing. After three months of couples counseling, they worked out their differences, they got back together again and were happier than ever.

Whether we realize it or not, we often have a positive rippling effect on others around us who then pass on this effect to others. When we become anxious about the impermanence of life, the transient nature of all things, or other stressors in our lives, it helps to think about the positive effect that we can have in our social circles that often lives on from one generation to the next.

Next Article: Creating the Positive Ripple Effect

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.