Ambivalence and Codependency in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

This article was updated on September 15, 2026.

The bond between a mother and a daughter can be incredibly deep, but it can also be very complex.  Much of the tension comes from the unique biological and psychological mirrors that exist between them.

Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters. At times, they project their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. Because of this intense connection, a mother often see pieces of her identity in her daughter. This can lead to a mother projecting her own unfulfilled hopes, dreams and unresolved wounds onto her child. 

In response, a daughter can learn to strongly identify with her mother--often idealizing her as a normal, healthy part of childhood development. However, when the idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own perso

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how ambivalence and codependency between a mother and daughter can occur:

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. 

When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns (see my article: Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in New York City that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to New York to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heartbroken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

In therapy, Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping either of them.

Over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. She told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
There are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with this sort of entanglement often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
Are you trying to navigate a complicated dynamic as a mother or daughter?

You don't have to try to untangle these feelings alone. 

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, IFS, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many family members improve their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in person in my Greenwich Village office or online.

You can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles: 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

Coping with political differences in your relationship can be challenging, especially within the context of our polarized country, but there are steps you can take to keep differences from ruining your relationship.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

What Characteristics Do You Both Need to Navigate These Differences?

To navigate these differences, you both need:

• Strong communication skills
  
• Empathy for each other
• Clear boundaries
  
• Mutual respect
• An ability to handle differences constructively, which can strengthen your connection to each other

How Can You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Political Differences?

Since political views are often tied to personal experiences, upbringing, core values and not just political policies, it's important to understand the roots of each other's beliefs, so it's important to:

• Share Your Background: Discuss how your life experiences have shaped your views. This can help each of you understand why your partner has taken a particular political stance and help your partner to understand your stance.

• Focus on the Values You and Your Partner Share: Even if you have political differences, you probably share fundamental values regarding family, fairness and a desire for the future. If you focus on these commonalities, it can bring you closer.

How Can You Set Clear Boundaries?

Setting clear rules about your discussion can prevent these discussions from damaging your relationship:

• Schedule Your Time: Set a clear amount of time for these discussions rather than allowing them to be open-ended or erupt during stressful times.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Know How to Take a Break: Agree to pause if the conversation is becoming disrespectful. You can both return to it later. Some couples find it helpful to designate certain topics as off limits to preserve harmony in their relationship.

• Limit News Consumption: If broadcast news is a source of stress in your relationship, discuss with your partner how you can both limit the time you consume news (see my article: How to Cope With News Anxiety).

How Can You Develop Curious and Respectful Communication?

Instead of having a heated debate, focus on making your talk an opportunity to learn and connect:

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Approach your conversation with a genuine curiosity by asking questions like "What are you thinking about this issue?" and "I would like to understand how you came to this conclusion. Can you tell me more?" (see my article: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation).

• Practice Active Listening: Rather than waiting your turn to argue with your partner, listen and attune to what your partner is saying so you can listen to your partner's perspective. Reflect back what you heard so you can show you're engaged in what your partner is saying and you're trying to understand.

• Avoid Personal Attacks: Avoid insulting your partner or questioning their character or intelligence. If you discuss your differences with respect, you can both keep the conversation from escalating into a big argument.

How Can You Prioritize Your Relationship?

Remember your bond to each other is more important than any political issue:

• Agree to Disagree: Accept that you probably won't change each other's minds so respect each other's rights to have different views and choose to let certain issues go.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Make a Decision About What Matters More: What has a higher priority: Your political views or your relationship? Couples who choose to prioritize their relationship tend to navigate these differences more effectively.

• Engage in Shared Activities: By focusing on shared hobbies and your goals and dreams, you can reinforce the connection that brought you together in the first place.

What Can You Do If Political Differences Are a Persistent Cause of Stress?

• Consider attending couples therapy as a neutral place where you can learn to navigate your differences in a healthy way.

• Couples therapy can help you to develop effective ways of communicating so you can resolve conflict and strengthen your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to navigate their differences so they can have a more meaningful relatonship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What's the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

I wrote about stonewalling in a prior article (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

In the current article I'm focusing on the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment.

What is the Difference Between Stonewalling and the Silent Treatment?

Although stonewalling and the silent treatment might appear to be similar, they are different in certain key aspects as outlined below.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are both forms of unhealthy communication. They both involve communication patterns where a person withdraws from a conversation (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Stonewalling vs the Silent Treatment

Stonewalling usually occurs when one person feels overwhelmed and withdraws from the conversation.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately ignores, avoids or withdraws from communication to punish, control or manipulate the other person.

Here are the key differences between stonewalling and the silent treatment:

• Intent
• Duration
• Impact

Stonewalling

• Intent: To avoid conflict and feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Behavior: Turning away, avoiding eye contact, shutting down the conversation or giving non-committal responses

• Duration: Usually temporary--lasting until the person no longer feels overwhelmed

Silent Treatment

• Intent: To punish, control or manipulate the other person

• Behavior: Prolonged withdrawal from communication, often accompanied by ignoring, avoiding or giving cold or hostile responses

• Duration: Lasting hours, days, weeks or more

The Key Differences

• Intent: Stonewalling is a defensive reaction whereas the silent treatment is intentional.

• Purpose: Stonewalling is aimed at avoiding conflict and the silent treatment is used to inflict emotional pain, gain power or manipulate.

• Duration: Stonewalling is usually temporary and the silent treatment can be prolonged.

• Impact: Stonewalling can damage a relationship by creating emotional distance and mistrust, while the silent treatment, which is intentional, can cause significant emotional distress to the person being ignored and potentially ruin or end a relationship.

An Example of Stonewalling

Whenever John and Alice got into an argument, John would feel so overwhelmed he would turn away and go into another room to calm himself. But since he didn't tell Alice that he felt overwhelmed, she would pursue him into the other room to continue the argument. This only made John feel even more overwhelmed so that he would withdrew even further, which angered Alice even more so she would try harder to get him to talk (see my article: Understanding a Partner Who Pursues Emotionally).

Stonewalling

As his feelings of overwhelm escalated, John would leave the house and to go for a walk. After he calmed down, he came back and told Alice he was ready to resume their conversation. By then, Alice had calmed down too, so they were able to have a calm discussion. After several months of this communication pattern, Alice insisted that they go to couples therapy to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. In couples therapy John learned that he would stonewall because he felt too overwhelmed to speak, which helped Alice to feel empathetic. Alice learned she had a fear of being abandoned, which made her pursue John. Over time, they learned how to communicate in a healthier way in couples therapy.

An Example of the Silent Treatment

Alex was hurt and angry when Sara said she was going out with her friends on a Sunday afternoon instead of spending time with him. Even though she had told him in advance that she and her friends planned to have brunch to celebrate one of her friend's birthdays, Alex felt that she was putting her friends above him. On most mornings Sara and Alex would sit and talk together in the kitchen and have coffee together. So, when Sara noticed that Alex didn't come into the kitchen at the usual time, she looked for him and she found him in the living room playing a game on his phone. Alex saw Sara come into the living room, but he ignored her and he didn't look up when she tried to talk to him. He sat in stony silence looking hurt and angry.

The Silent Treatment

No matter what she said, Sara couldn't get his attention so she got dressed to meet her friends. As she was leaving, she said goodbye to Alex, but he didn't respond. During her brunch with friends, Sara texted Alex to say she understood he felt hurt and she wanted to talk about it when she got home. But Alex ignored Sara's texts. He continued to ignore Sara for the next week, which was painful for her. Whenever she tried to initiate a conversation, he walked out of the room. Finally, at her wit's end, Sara gave Alex an ultimatum: Either he agree to attend couples therapy with her or he would move out her apartment. After another week of the silent treatment, Sara packed Alex's things, changed the locks and put his belongings on her doorstep.  Two weeks later, Alex called Sara reluctantly and told her he would attend couples therapy. Their couples therapist recommended that they both attend individual therapy. Alex learned in couples therapy that he used the silent treatment because he didn't know how to communicate his emotions and he wanted to punish Sara. The work in couples therapy was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Sara and Alex learned to communicate more effectively. Alex also realized in his individual therapy that he learned to give the silent treatment by observing his parents when he was a child. They would go days and weeks without talking to each other. Alex made a promise to himself and to Sara that he didn't want to repeat the mistakes his parents made in their relationship.

Summary

Both stonewalling and the silent treatment are unhealthy ways of communicating, but their intent, purpose and duration are different. 

Stonewalling is a maladaptive way of trying to cope with feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

The silent treatment, which is a form of emotional abuse, is used to inflict emotional pain, try to gain power or manipulate a partner.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Whether one or both of you engage in stonewalling or the silent treatment, you could both benefit from getting help in couples therapy (see my article: Tips on How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to damage your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome your communication problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: 6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict

It's not unusual for people who are in high conflict relationships to seek help in couples therapy after many years of being in conflict.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist for individual adults and couples, when a couple responds to each other with a great deal of emotional reactivity, I help them to slow down to become aware of how each of them contributes to their conflicts.

Before a high conflict couple can make positive changes in their relationship, each of them has to become self aware so they can reduce their reactivity and listen to their partner (see my article: 5 Tips to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Calm Yourself to Actively Listen to Your Partner: One of the problems high conflict couples have is that each one of them is just waiting for their chance to blame their partner, so they're not listening to what their partner is saying (see my article: Tips on Active Listening).

• Develop Self Reflect Capacity: Rather than focusing on what you think your partner said or did wrong, reflect on how you come across in your relationship. Spend time writing about it in a journal to capture your thoughts and go deeper in self awareness (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why It's Important For You).

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Stop Being Hostile to Your Partner: Couples, who are hostile, can use overt hostility in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling to respond to their partner. They can also use passive aggressive behavior or nonverbal hostility (e.g., eye rolling) and sarcasm disguised as a "joke". Each person in the relationship needs to learn to stop these behaviors (see my article: Improve Your Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling).

• Take Responsibility and Admit When You're Wrong: After you become aware of your own negative ways of communicating, it's important to take responsibility and apologize.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relaitonship

• Find Authentic Ways to Connect With Your Partner: High conflict couples often disengage from each other by distracting themselves with their phones, TV, video games and so on. Even if your relationship is not where you would like it to be, it's important to take time to connect with each other in meaningful ways without distractions. This might mean you both go for a walk in a park or do other activities that you both enjoy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have deeply ingrained negative habits, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in couples work can help you to develop the necessary skills to have a more meaningful relationship or, if the relationship is beyond repair, she can help you to separate in an amicable and respectful way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experience and Sex Therapist

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

• 
  

Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Potential Pitfalls of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Relationships

There are many different kinds of consensual nonomonogamous relationships. 

Don't ask don't tell is just one of them which I'll discuss in this article (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

What Are Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships?

Generally speaking, in DADT relationships partners agree not to tell each other about the sexual or romantic relationships they have with other people. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Here are some of the most common aspects of DADT relationships:

• Focusing is on the Primary Relationship: DADT relationships allows partners to have other sexual or romantic experiences without divulging information about these relationships to each other. This allows each partner to have a degree of autonomy outside the relationship. At the same time, each person prioritizes the primary relationship. 

• Avoiding Conflict: Some couples choose DADT to avoid conflict, jealousy or hurt feelings. This helps some couples to manage the complexities of being in multiple relationships.

• Avoiding Details About Other Relationships: Whereas couples who believe in healthy privacy know about their other relationships (although maybe not all the details), DADT couples avoid discussing other relationships they might be in.

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell Relationships?

DADT can be difficult to maintain and it can lead to misunderstandings if information somehow leaks out and gets back to one or both of the partners.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

A couple needs to have good communication within the relationship as well as respect for each other's boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. DADT shouldn't be used as a way to get around poor communication in the relationship.

They must also be able to cope with unforeseen circumstances (see Vignette 1 below).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Vignette 1. Bob and Peter

Three years into their relationship, Bob talked to Peter about wanting to open up the relationship. Peter wasn't enthusiastic about having an open relationship, but he went along with Bob's wishes because he knew Bob liked sexual variety more than he did and he didn't want to deprive Bob from having those experiences. So they agreed that since Bob traveled a lot for work, he could have sexual affairs with other men while he was away on a trip but not when he was at home in New York City. Peter told Bob he didn't want to know any details about these other men. They both agreed these affairs were only sexual and that Peter wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. But three months later, Bob revealed he had formed an emotional attachment with another man who lived in Dallas and the other man wanted to move to New York City to see Bob more often. This news precipitated a crisis in their relationship.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Peter felt upset that, even though they both agreed that outside relationships would only be sexual, Bob had fallen in love. Now they were faced with this unforeseen circumstance which Bob was very unhappy about. They both agreed that Bob should put this other relationship on hold and the two of them would attend couples therapy to sort out their relationship. The result was that Bob knew he had broken their agreement. He hadn't intended on developing feelings for another man, but it happened because he disregarded their agreement to only see other people once or twice. At the same time, he didn't want to lose Peter so he broke off his other relationship. Then, Bob and Peter worked on coming up with a better nonmonogamous agreement for their relationship. Until they had their agreement, they agreed to remain monogamous.

Vignette 2. Sue and Ed

When Sue and Ed got together, Sue had a lot more relationship experience than Ed. Ed didn't start dating until his senior year in college. By the time he met Sue five years later, he felt he wanted to have more experience dating other women. Sue hated the idea, but she also knew that Ed needed these other experiences. Neither of them wanted to stop seeing each other, so they agreed to try DADT nonmonogamy. Even though they didn't share information about the other people they were dating, they both realized when each of them were with other people because they lived together. They each noticed when the other was texting a lot or getting phone calls they each kept private. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Then, one day Sue's friend told her she saw Ed kissing another woman at a neighborhood bar and asked Sue about it. Sue was embarrassed because neither she nor Ed had shared that they were in a DADT relationship. She was also annoyed with Ed for having a date in the neighborhood where their friends could see them. They both agreed they needed to have a more definitive agreement around these issues, so they sought help in couples therapy. During couples therapy Sue admitted she acquiesced to Ed's wishes to have an open relationship, but she never really wanted it. They both agreed to breakup so Ed could have the experiences he wanted and they would be in touch in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. Although they were both sad, they broke up in an amicable way and hoped to come back together again in several months.

Vignette 3. Jane and Bill

Both Jane and Bill had been in other open relationships before and they agreed that DADT worked for each of them past relationships. They agreed to keep their separate apartments so they each could maintain a degree of privacy and autonomy. There were times when each of them felt jealous about the other romantic relationships in their lives, but they were able to talk about it and assure each other that they were primary to each other (see my article: What is Compersion in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

They had an agreement that each of them wouldn't see another person more than once or twice to avoid forming emotional attachments with others. This worked out well for them. At the point when they wanted to move in together, they decided they no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. Instead, they were focused on building a life together and starting a family.

Discussion About the Vignettes

Vignette 1: Bob was the one who really wanted to be in an open relationship and Peter was just going along with it to please Bob.  Their agreement was that their relationship was primary, but Bob developed an emotional attachment to someone else, which created a crisis in Bob and Peter's relationship. Although this isn't an unusual experience in nonmonogamous relationships, neither of them were able to foresee that Bob might develop feelings for someone else. Fortunately, Bob realized he was going against their agreement and he didn't want to lose Peter, so he agreed to participate in couples therapy. They both realized they needed to put their open relationship on hold until they could prioritize their relationship and work out a more detailed agreement that they both could abide by.

Vignette 2: This is another example of one person going along with a DADT agreement when she didn't really want one. Sue felt humiliated when her friend saw Ed kissing another woman and Sue was annoyed that Ed was indiscreet in their neighborhood. During couples therapy Sue admitted she never wanted to be in an open relationship, but she knew Ed felt he needed to have experiences with other women. So, they agreed to break up so they both could see other people and get back in touch with each other in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. They both agreed this was a better alternative than Sue doing something she didn't want to do or Ed feeling deprived. 

Vignette 3: Jane and Bill had experience with other open relationships, so they already knew the potential pitfalls. They each had the autonomy and privacy they wanted and, at the same time they prioritized their relationship together. When jealous feelings came up, they discussed these feelings together and reassured each other their relationship was primary. This worked out well for both of them and, at the point when they wanted to move in and have children together, they focused on being monogamous together.

Conclusion

There are many ways to have an open relationship. Don't ask don't tell is just one of them.

DADT can work out if both people agree to it and don't enter into it as a way to appease a partner. They must also have good communication with each other and set clear boundaries within their DADT agreement.

Over a period of time, many couples transition between monogamy and open relationships depending upon their needs at various times in their lives. 

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner want help with working out an open relationship agreement or if you're having problems with an existing open relationship, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist who works with couples on these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in the area where you're having problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.