Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

I'm continuing to focus on the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism in this article, based on the book, The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin, sex therapist and researcher (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

Also see my articles:

The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?

Longing and Anticipation, Violating Prohibitions By Breaking the Rules 

Searching For Power

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Overcoming Ambivalence

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism

First, to recap:  As I mentioned in my first article on this topic, Dr. Morin identifies the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism as follows:

• Longing and Anticipation
  
• Violating Sexual Prohibitions
  
• Searching For Power
  
• Overcoming Ambivalence

Why is Overcoming Ambivalence a Cornerstone of Eroticism?

With regard to eroticism, ambivalence includes: 

• Wanting and Not Wanting
• Liking and Not Liking
• Being Attracted To and Being Repulsed

At first glance, ambivalence probably doesn't come to your mind as being associated with eroticism, but let's take a closer look at how overcoming ambivalence can intensify eroticism.

From Ambivalence to Sexual Passion

According to Dr. Morin, overcoming ambivalence is an internal form of the Erotic Equation because it contains both attraction and obstacles, which lead to sexual excitement, within the same person.

Ambivalence by itself isn't a sexual turn on.  The sexual turn on is the overcoming of ambivalence as ambivalence transforms into sexual desire when reluctance gives way to passion.

Ambivalent Sexual Attractions

• Clinical Vignette: Judy: One night when Judy went out with her friends for drinks, she met Lenny, who came onto her with a pickup line that disgusted her.  She hated when men came onto her in this way, and her initial inclination was to turn away from him.  At the same time she felt repulsed by him, she couldn't help noticing his sexual magnetism (being attracted towards and being repulsed) .  A part of her wanted to walk away, but another part of her was sexually attracted to him (liking and not liking).  The more she wanted to resist him, the more she felt sexually drawn to him.  As they continued to talk, she felt her initial reluctance to talk to him giving way as she noticed that, despite his pickup line, he was also a little shy. She found his shyness appealing, so when he asked, she gave him her phone number (the overcoming of ambivalence). 

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Judy: Initially, Judy is aware that she feels disgusted by Lenny but, at the same time, she is also aware she is sexually attracted to him based on his sexual magnetism.  Her mixed feelings transform as she continues to talk to him and she sees there's another side to him: His shyness, which she finds appealing enough to give him her telephone number (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Be Part of the Answer).

• Clinical Vignette: Joe: When Joe met Betty, he was aware that she was in a non-monogamous relationship with Tina and her relationship with Tina was her primary relationship. At first, he didn't mind that he and Betty weren't primary.  But as time went on and his romantic and sexual feelings for Betty developed, he found it increasingly difficult to know that Betty prioritized her relationship with Tina.  Seeing Betty once a week wasn't enough for him--he wanted more.  After he spoke to Betty about it, he was disappointed that she didn't want to change the nature of her relationship with him.  This made him so angry and hurt that when he wasn't with her, he thought about ending the relationship.  But when they saw each other again, they were both so excited and the sex was so passionate that all thoughts of ending the relationship dissolved--until he began missing her again a few days later.  Then, his anger and hurt would resurface (wanting and not wanting).  He remained caught on this emotional roller coaster where he hoped that, eventually, Betty would choose to be with him exclusively--even though, when he could be objective about it, he knew this probably wasn't going to happen.  At times, he would break it off with Betty, but he would soon regret it and beg her to take him back (liking and not liking) Also, see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship.

• Overcoming of Ambivalence for Joe: Joe's ambivalence would be temporarily assuaged when he and Betty reconnected after being apart.  At that point, the buildup of anger and hurt actually added to his passion for her (more about how certain emotions, like anger, increase eroticism in a future article). Because he continued to want more from Betty, Joe's ambivalence was only temporarily overcome when they saw each other again.

• The Character Diane Chambers on the TV program, "Cheers:" Here's another example of ambivalence transforming into sexual desire:  If you watched the TV program, "Cheers," you're probably familiar with the characters, Diane Chambers and Sam Malone. You might remember that Diane had highly ambivalent feelings for Sam, especially in the beginning.  She considered herself to be a feminist and an intellectual so, initially, she looked down on Sam.  But Sam was also very good looking, which drew Diane to him. He was also a womanizer, which she really disliked.  Over time, despite her initial repulsion, she accepted her sexual attraction to him (liking and not liking, wanting and not wanting and being attracted to and being repulsed).  Similar to the first vignette, the more she tried to resist him, the more she was drawn to him.  Over time, she came to see that, despite the aspects of him she found unappealing, she also experienced him as irresistible.  As a result, she eventually got romantically and sexually involved with him (i.e, she overcame her ambivalence).

• Overcoming Ambivalence for Diane:  Although Diane overcame her initial ambivalence for Sam, they had a stormy relationship. The storminess of their relationship was due, in part, to both of them having ambivalent feelings for each other, which made their relationship both passionate and unstable. 

In the examples above, the ambivalence transforms, even if it's just temporarily, from negative feelings to sexual attraction.  Note how attraction and obstacles, which are part of Dr. Morin's Erotic Equation, are operative in these examples.

How Prevalent Are the Four Cornerstones in Peak Sexual Experiences?

According to Dr. Morin, none of the cornerstones are required for two people to experience sexual arousal for each other.

A strong attraction and sensual feelings are often enough for two people to be sexually turned on to each other (see my articles: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences, Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Sexual Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

However, Dr. Morin indicates he discovered in his research that most participants in his study had at least one cornerstone as part of their memories of peak sexual experiences.  

Forty percent of the participants mentioned they experienced two or more cornerstones as part of their peak sexual experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find you're struggling with an unresolved problem, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

The decision to seek help in therapy can be challenging, but it's often the first step to living a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: What is Good Sex? Part 2: Are You Using Solace Sex in an Anxious Attempt to Stay Emotionally Connected?

In my prior article, What is Good Sex?, which was Part 1 of this topic, I began a discussion about three different types of sex, as defined by Sue Johnson, Ph.D., who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT).  In the current article, I'm focusing on solace sex.

What is Solace Sex?

What is Solace Sex?

Dr. Johnson defines solace sex as occurring when one or both partners are unsure and anxious about the relationship so they seek reassurance in their sex life together.

With solace sex there is a focus on gaining reassurance about the relationship by trying to please the other partner as a way of winning over their approval and through seeking physical proximity.

People who have an anxious attachment style often engage in solace sex.  Also, people with an anxious attachment style often unconsciously choose partners with an avoidant attachment style, so this exacerbates the problem (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

With solace sex, there is an emphasis on cuddling and being affectionate rather than the more erotic aspects of sex.  In addition, the person with an anxious attachment style, who is insecure, is highly sensitive to any signs of rejection.  

For example, if their partner is too tired to have sex, they often experience catastrophic thoughts where they believe their partner doesn't love them and they try to pressure their partner to have sex to feel reassured that the partner cares for them (see my article:  Are You Catastrophizing?).

This often leads to more arguments and conflicts in the relationship, especially if the relationship is already unstable.

Clinical Vignette 1: Solace Sex in an Uncommitted, Unstable Relationship

Pam and Ed

When Pam and Ed, both in their mid-30s, first met at a party, they were drawn to each other immediately and they began dating soon after that.

From the beginning, Ed was upfront with Pam. He told her that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship--he only wanted a casual relationship with her.  He also let her know that he had never been monogamous in any of his prior relationships, and he was currently dating two other women. 

Although Pam didn't like that Ed was seeing other women, she believed she could eventually change his mind and convince him that she was the woman for him.  Whenever they got together, Pam felt it was an opportunity to change Ed's mind.  She would do everything she could to try to please him in terms of the way she dressed, the meals she made for him, and the little gifts she bought for him.  

During sex, Pam sought constant reassurance from Ed that he liked her, which annoyed Ed.  He couldn't understand why Pam needed so much reassurance.  

After a while, Ed realized that he was thinking about the two other women that he was dating whenever he was with Pam and wishing he was with one of them.  

Three months later, Ed felt tired and bored with the relationship. He told Pam that he didn't want to continue dating her.  When Pam heard this, she flew into a rage, and Ed left her apartment abruptly slamming the door behind him.

Eventually, they reconciled, but over the next six months, Pam and Ed had an on-again/off-again relationship (see my article:  The Heartbreak of the On Again/Off Again Relationship).  

The pattern was always the same: Pam wanted more from Ed than he wanted to give her.  She wanted a monogamous relationship and he wanted to continue to see other women.  The more they argued about this, the more these arguments eroded Pam's self confidence, which was low even before she began dating Ed.  

Whenever they got back together again after a breakup, they never discussed their differences about monogamy.  Instead, they brushed those issues under the rug, and they reconciled by having sex.  Whenever they had sex, Pam felt reassured--until the conflict about monogamy came up again, which led to another breakup.

Pam's friends could see that she had highs and lows in this relationship--mostly lows.  They told her that she would be happier if she dated someone who also wanted to be monogamous.  As they saw how unhappy Pam was with Ed, they couldn't understand why she pursued him after each breakup.  And they really couldn't understand why Pam found Ed so compelling.  

Pam and Ed in EFT Couples Therapy:

Although Ed was reluctant, Pam persuaded him to go with her to EFT couples therapy.  

After the first session, the couples therapist told them that they each wanted something different--Pam wanted to be monogamous and Ed didn't.  She pointed out that, even though they kept coming back together after their frequent breakups, their problems hinged on this issue and they were far apart on it.  She told them that, as long as they were so far apart on the issue of monogamy, she didn't see how couples therapy could help them because what they wanted was so fundamentally different.  She recommended individual therapy for each of them.  

Soon after that, when Ed broke up with Pam again and he refused to reconcile, Pam entered into individual therapy to try to understand why she stayed in such an unstable relationship.  In her individual therapy, Pam learned that her unresolved childhood trauma in an unstable family drew her to Ed.  She also saw that she had a tendency to seek out men who were emotionally unavailable.  She worked on resolving her trauma in individual therapy so she wouldn't continue to repeat this pattern.  

Ed never sought individual therapy for himself. He was content being nonmonogamous and sought out women who were only interested in casual relationships.  Even though these relationships didn't last long, Ed felt comfortable going from one relationship to the next.

Clinical Vignette 2: Solace Sex in a Committed Relationship

Liz and Joe

Liz and Joe were both single and in their early 40s when they met.  During the first six months of their relationship, they had an active sex life together, and they agreed to be monogamous.  

Liz preferred cuddling with Joe and she often wanted reassurances from him that he cared about her and that he found her attractive. At first, Joe didn't mind that Liz needed so much reassurance, but after a while, he was getting tired of it.  He couldn't understand why Liz needed to hear him tell her every time they were together that he cared for her and that she was beautiful.  He felt Liz was nagging him about this.  He also didn't like to cuddle all the time, but he did it because he knew that if he didn't, Liz would become anxious and she would begin to have doubts about his feelings for her.  

By the time they were together for six months, Joe had taken on a second job to pay off his debt, so he was often tired when he saw Liz on the weekends.  He was especially tired on Friday nights after a long work week.  As a result, he was often too tired to have sex on Friday nights and suggested they have sex on Saturday morning.  

Initially, Joe didn't think Liz would mind because, after all, they would be together all weekend.  So when Liz reacted angrily and accused him of not caring about her anymore, he was very surprised.  

He thought Liz was overreacting and he tried to reassure her that his feelings hadn't changed--he was just tired.  But nothing he said helped to soothe Liz, and after a while he felt Liz was being inconsiderate and too demanding.   

As time went on, Joe wondered if he wanted to spend so much time with Liz.  His preference would have been to spend less time together because, compared to Liz, he needed much more down time (see my article: Compromising About Time Together and Time Apart).  

But when he told her this, she became highly anxious and upset, and Joe felt himself withdrawing from her emotionally.  And, as is typical in the dynamic between a person with an anxious attachment style (Liz) and a person with an avoidant attachment style (Joe), the more he withdrew from her, the more she pursued him.

Liz and Joe in EFT Couples Therapy: 

Liz and Joe exemplify a typical dynamic with solace sex.  Liz has an anxious attachment style and Joe has more of an avoidant attachment style.

As such, Liz needed a lot of reassurance from Joe that he cared about her and she sought this reassurance through solace sex.  

She was the emotional and sexual pursuer in the relationship and he was the withdrawer.  After a while, the more she pursued, the more overwhelmed he felt and the more he withdrew from her.

Even though they had problems, Liz and Joe were both committed to their relationship.  Neither of them wanted to see other people.  So, when they realized they weren't able to resolve their problems on their own, they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT).

Their EFT couples therapist helped Liz and Joe to see the negative cycle in their relationship.  Rather than fighting with each other, they learned to pull together to change their relationship dynamic. They each realized that they were repeating a cycle that was part of their family of origin history.  

Liz learned to recognize her catastrophic thinking and, rather than accusing Joe of not caring for her, she calmed herself first and then she was able to approach Joe to tell him what she needed from him.  She also learned not to take it personally if he was too tired to have sex.

When Joe felt less pressured, he felt more drawn to Liz.  Rather than withdrawing from her, Joe was more affectionate, even when he was too tired to have sex.  

In addition, they were able to compromise more about spending time together versus spending time apart, so Joe was able to have more down time, and Liz stopped feeling insecure about Joe's need for time for himself.

Working together in couples therapy, they were able to change their relationship dynamic so they had a more satisfying relationship.  

Conclusion

In the vignettes above, the people with the anxious attachment style who sought out solace sex were women.  They were the pursuers in their relationship and the men were the withdrawers with more of an avoidant attachment style.  However, even though pursuers are usually women and withdrawers are usually men in heterosexual relationships, there are also male pursuers and female withdrawers.

As previously mentioned, people who seek out solace sex usually feel anxious and insecure in their relationships.  This is exacerbated by the fact they often unconsciously choose partners who are less emotionally available, which often repeats a family of origin dynamic.

In unstable relationships, as in the vignette about Pam and Ed, the pursuer (Pam) often finds the instability of the relationship to be compelling--even though, at the same time, the pursuer is trying very hard to get her emotional needs met.  

An insecure attachment, like an anxious attachment style, which develops at an early age, contributes to this dynamic.  The more the pursuer pursues the withdrawer, who has an avoidant attachment style, the more the withdrawer distances himself.  And the more he distances, the more she pursues, which leads to ongoing problems.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples helps couples, who are committed to each other, to understand the negative cycle in their relationship so they can work on changing the cycle.  Rather than blaming each other, they learn to work together to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you and your partner are having problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist.

Research has shown that EFT Couples therapy is an effective evidence-based couples therapy that has helped many couples to resolve their problems.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health practitioner who is skilled in helping people overcome their relationship problems.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist in NYC (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.