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Saturday, February 23, 2013

Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

After the initial stage of dating, when you're both having a good time and things are passionate, more than likely, you and the person you're dating begin to assess if you each think you're compatible to take your relationship to the next level.  If you want to be in a serious, committed relationship, part of dating is to try to determine this and to see if you're both on the same wavelength.


What to Do When You and Your Boyfriend Aren't on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship
Are You Compatible With Each Other?
It's not always easy to determine if you're compatible with one another.  If you want to be in a long term relationship, it's important to know you want and what you might be willing to compromise about.

Communication is key, but not everyone knows how to communicate about this, especially when s/he feels there isn't a future for the relationship.  Some people will go to great lengths to avoid having this conversation because it often makes people feel emotionally vulnerable.  While it's understandable that it can be an uncomfortable conversation, avoiding talking about it isn't the answer.

Do You Both Feel the Same Way About Each Other?
Even when dating develops into a serious, monogamous relationship, as the relationship progresses, just  because you're in a relationship doesn't mean that you and your boyfriend (or girlfriend) are on the same wavelength about it.  Things change.  The relationship might continue to blossom and grow into a long-term relationship.  Or, you could end up breaking up.

Relationships often go through various stages, depending upon what each person wants.  It's important to know if what you want is the same thing that the other person wants.  If you both just assume that you both want the same thing, this is a recipe for disaster.

Potential Signs that You and Your Boyfriend Might Not Be on the Same Wavelength
  • You sense that there's something "off" between the two of you and, rather than talk to him about it, you walk on eggshells instead.  On some level you might know that your relationship is in some sort of limbo, but you avoid talking to him about it because you're afraid to have this confirmed.
  • You realize that he's not as available by phone, text or in person as he used to be (this assumes that there aren't any practical reasons for this), and you feel he's avoiding you.
  • He often becomes distracted when you're together and you don't feel as close with each other as you used to be when you first started seeing each other.  This can be especially hurtful to the person who might still be interested.
The items listed above can also be the result of other causes, so you'll have to use your judgment to determine if these are signs that you're not both on the same wavelength or there's some other explanation.

Talk About the Relationship
But rather than looking for signs, which you can easily misread, have an honest and open discussion with the person you're seeing after you're been seeing each other for a few months.

If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) says it's still too soon for him or her to determine if the relationship will develop into something more serious, ask yourself if you would like to continue seeing this person to see where it goes or if you feel it's been long enough and you don't want to continue to spend time together.  Assuming that you want to be in a long term relationship, this can be tricky and there are a lot of personal and practical factors to take into account when you're making this decision.

When both people come to the same conclusion--that the relationship has taken its course and it would be better to breakup, it's obviously a lot easier than when only one person feels this way.  But, even so, the breakup doesn't need to be acrimonious.  If you're the one who wanted to remain together and he's the one who wants to break if off, try not to take it personally.  If the reason you're breaking up is because you're not compatible, it's not anyone's fault.  And, of course, if you both agree on continuing together, it's not a problem.

Coping With Change
Change is inevitable in life.  Even when the change is something that we want, it can be stressful.  It's even more stressful when the change isn't something that we would have chosen.

Getting Help in Therapy
Although it's hurtful, if there is a breakup, your emotional support network and your ability to bounce back from adversity can see you through until you heal.  But if this isn't enough or if you don't have a good emotional suppornetwork and you're not feeling resilient at this point in your life, you could benefit from seekinelp from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to heal.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com



photo credit: pmorgan via photopin cc