Learn to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

In my prior articles,  The Importance of Active Listening and Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?, I outlined some of the communication problems that couples often have in their relationship and the mistakes that they make that get in the way of effective communication.

As I mentioned in a prior article, it's a good idea, before criticizing your spouse, to take a look at your style of communication first to see if you're making some of the most common communication mistakes, which I outlined in that article.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

In order to clarify the issues that I discussed in my prior articles, I'll give a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed (to protect confidentiality).  This fictionalized scenario includes some of the common communication problems that couples have:

Sharon and Bill
Sharon and Bill came to couples counseling because, after five years of marriage, they were considering separating due to their frequent arguments.  When they weren't arguing, they often ignored each other and just coexisted in the same household.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Sharon's complaint was that she felt that Bill didn't listen to her.  Bill responded that Sharon was too critical and she tended to bring up old problems that he felt they had already resolved, and this made him feel overwhelmed.

Sharon countered that she wouldn't feel it was necessary to keep bringing up old issues if the current issues didn't feel so much like the old issues.

After several minutes of each of them pointing their fingers at each other, I reminded them of one of the ground rules that we discussed at the beginning of the couples counseling session, which was that each of them would speak from his or her own experience rather than making accusations.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

After they each took deep breaths to calm down, I asked them to try an exercise:

Each one of them would take a turn in speaking from his or her own experience, without accusations.

The role of the person who was speaking was to get to the point without a long monologue and with as much compassion and empathy as he or she could muster for the other person and without accusations.   He or she had to communicate in a respectful way without using generalizations or speaking in a demeaning or manipulative way.

The role of the person listening was to listen actively--without interrupting.  As I mentioned in a prior article, active listening is an important skill that many people in relationships need to learn.

Active listening involves really hearing what the other person says and empathizing with the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

In other words, you place yourself in the other person's shoes, if only for a few minutes, to try to understand the other person.  You focus completely on the other person. You're not waiting impatiently for the other person to stop talking so you can respond back.

Both roles, the role of the one speaking and the role of the one listening, can be challenging, especially if you and your spouse are stuck in certain negative communication habits.  But I think the role of listening actively is the most challenging because it's hard to put aside your own feelings sometimes, even for a moment, to consider your spouse's point of view, especially during a heated conversation.

Like many couples, Bill and Sharon had difficulty with this exercise and they needed a lot of practice.  Both of them felt frustrated and annoyed, and we needed to stop to help them focus on what the purpose of their seeking couples counseling was all about.

Was it more important to "win" the conversation by out talking or out maneuvering or was it more important to improve their relationship?

When each of them calmed down, they agreed that they wanted to improve their relationship because they each feared that it wouldn't last if it kept spiraling down the way that it had been.

I asked them to take turns at home practicing the exercise they learned in their couples counseling session.  I also asked each of them to keep a journal of their experiences in counseling and at home.

I also met with each of them individually for a session to find out if there was anything brewing under the surface that either of them were hesitant to talk about in the couples sessions.  

In addition, I used the individual sessions to get each of their family histories to see if there were any old family patterns that were repeating themselves in their relationship.

Fortunately, there weren't any issues that either of them wouldn't talk about in the couple sessions.  However, both Bill and Sharon were repeating patterns, without even realizing it, that their parents engaged in.

When we talked about the reoccurring patterns from one generation to the next, it was an eye-opening experience for both Sharon and Bill.  They were each both surprised and dismayed that they were repeating patterns that they disliked in each of their parents' marriages.

Of course, this is very common, but once people become aware of the patterns that they're repeating, they have an opportunity to change them (see my article:  Discovering that You've Developed the Same Traits that You Disliked in Your Parents).

There was no magic bullet for Bill and Sharon, but they made a commitment to change, they came regularly and they used the tools that they learned in couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Over time, they improved their communication and recommitted themselves to their relationship.

Changing Patterns in a Relationship is Challenging
Change can be challenging.

Change can be especially challenging if patterns in a relationship have become ingrained and they are part of a dynamic that is intergenerational.

When intergenerational patterns are involved in a relationship, not only is the couple in the room with the therapist but, figuratively speaking, their parents and, maybe, even their grandparents and great grandparents are "standing in the room" right behind them.

Being in an intimate relationship often brings up core issues in a way that usually doesn't happen with other relationships that aren't as close, which is another challenge.

Making changes in a relationship requires a commitment from each person to look at his or her own dynamic and a willingness to stick with couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Longstanding communication problems in a relationship don't get solved in a few sessions.  It takes time, patience and a lot of self compassion as well as compassion for your spouse to work through ingrained problems.

Unfortunately, too many couples wait until it's too late to get help.  By the time they come to couples counseling, there's been too much damage to their relationship and one or both of them wants out.

The chance for success in couples counseling is greater if the couple comes to counseling sooner rather than later.

If you and your spouse want to make changes in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with couples and who can help to facilitate positive change.

Don't wait until your problems become irreconcilable.  Get help from a couples therapist who can help you to have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

In my prior article,  Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship,  I began a discussion about communication problems in relationships.  I focused on common communication problems that people often make when they speak to their spouse or partner.  The focus of this article is the importance of active listening, which is a challenge for many couples.

The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship

What is Active Listening?
While learning to speak to your spouse or partner is important, learning to be an active listener is just as important.

Many couples have problems communicating with each other because they're not listen to one another.

Sometimes people don't even realize that they're not listening to their spouse because they're so preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings.

Rather than listening, each person is impatiently waiting for his or her turn to speak.  He or she is focused on what how to respond and make his or her own points.

Unfortunately, when you do that, you miss out on what your spouse is trying to communicate to you.  Usually, your spouse can tell that you're not listening and this becomes frustrating for him or her.

When you're not actively listening to what your spouse has to say, it usually makes him or her angry and hurt.

The First Step is to Become Aware of How You Interact With Your Spouse
The first step is to become aware of whether or not you're an active listener.

Active listening means putting yourself in the other person's shoes and listening empathically.

When you're an active and empathic listener:

• you're looking at your spouse directly and not averting your gaze
• you're focused on what your spouse is saying without anything else to distract you
• you sense what your spouse is saying
• you're aware of what your spouse is implying even if it's not said explicitly because you're picking up on nonverbal cues as well as what's begin said verbally.  This means that you're listening for more than just the words.
• you're able to follow and consider what you're spouse is saying
• you show your spouse by how you listen and acknowledge what he or she says that you're listening
• you show your spouse not only with words but also by your body language, which is open and receptive that you're actively listening
• don't focus on what you're going to say next--just focus on what you're spouse is saying

The Next Step:  Develop Active Listening Skills
The next step is to learn to develop the skill of active listening.

Active listening with empathy is a skill that most people need to learn and practice.

Once you've learned to be an active and empathic listener and your spouse also learns this skill, it can go a long way to help improve communication in your relationship.

Some people can learn this skill on their own.  Many people in relationships learn to listen actively by developing this skill in couples counseling.

In my next article, I'll give a fictionalized scenario that demonstrates some of the common communication problems that arise in relationships and how couples therapy can help.

Getting Help
Communication problems are common in many relationships, so you and your spouse or partner are not alone.

Just like any skill, you and your spouse can learn to develop better communication skills in couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many couples to help them improve their communication.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?

As a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples, one of the most common complaints that I hear from people who are married or in a committed relationship is that they're having communication problems.  Often, either one or both spouses feel that the other spouse isn't listening and/or they don't like how they're being spoken to by their spouse.

Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?

Communication problems that persist can ruin a relationship.

There can be many reasons why your spouse isn't listening to you.

The problem could be related to a problem that your spouse is having, a problem that you're having or both.

Become Aware of How You Communicate With Your Spouse
One of the most common communication problems in relationships is a problem with the way one or both spouses speak to one another.

Before you point your finger at your spouse, consider how you might be able to improve your style of communication:

• Learn to get to the point rather than repeating yourself and creating a long monologue.   If you go on and one, after a while, your spouse will probably tune out and stop listening to you.

• Give your spouse a chance to respond to what you're saying.  If you try to monopolize the conversation, your spouse will get frustrated and neither of you will get anywhere with whatever problem you're discussing.

• Don't preach, scold or lecture your spouse.  Aside from being infantilizing and a big turn off, it also gets in the way of any meaningful communication.

• If you want to have an open, meaningful conversation with your spouse, avoid making remarks that are hurtful, mean, dismissive, sarcastic, demeaning and disrespectful.  

• Avoid generalizing and distorting the situation by accusing your spouse with words like "You always..." and "You never..."  This will only make your spouse defensive and angry, and it will get in the way of communication.

• Avoid rehashing old situations that you've talked about before.  This is one of the most destructive things that people in relationships do, and it creates hostility and resentment.

• If you have gotten into a habit of complaining and whining a lot, this is a big turn off and your spouse is going to stop listening to you.   Try to become aware of your style of communication and whether you're in the habit of being negative.  

• Timing can be an issue.  Be aware of what might be going on with your spouse when you want to bring up sensitive topics or problems.  If your spouse is overwhelmed and your topic isn't urgent, consider waiting until the timing is better.  If your spouse is in a better frame of mind, it increases the likelihood that s/he will listen to you.

In my next article, I'll discuss active listening and how really listening to your spouse (and vice versa) can help improve your communication.

Getting Help in Therapy
Communication problems that persist in relationships often destroy relationships.

If you and your spouse have tried unsuccessfully on your own to improve your communication, you could benefit from attending couples counseling with a licensed mental health professional who works with couples and can help you to save your relationship.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively With Your Spouse

Attending couples counseling and learning how to communicate more effectively can help you to have a happier more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak"

In a prior blog article, Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, I addressed one of the biggest misperceptions about therapy that has lingered for many years.  In my current article, I'll address another common myth, namely, that if a person goes to therapy, it means that he or she is a "weak" person.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak

In the United States, we live in a society where rugged individualism is admired and encouraged in many areas.  The idea of "picking yourself up by your bootstraps" is also admirable to many people.  And while there is much to admire about people who overcome adversity, it's also true that if any of us is put through enough stress, we will need help and emotional support to get through it.

For people who seek psychological help in therapy, it's not a sign of weakness--rather, it's a sign of strength and courage to seek help, especially when we live in a culture that often doesn't encourage reaching out for psychological help.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates what I'm talking about:

John
John grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other and family friendships often went back generations.

His family struggled financially, especially when his father lost his job.  And, even though the family was entitled to public assistance to help them through the tough financial times, his parents adamantly refused to apply for it.  His father said he didn't believe in it, and he felt that each family should make their own way rather than relying on, from his perspective, "handouts."

During the lean times, John and his sister, Betty, knew better than to complain.  They watched their parents maintain a stoic attitude and they took their cue from them.

His parents never talked about their feelings, and John saw little in the way of affection between them.  So, John learned to keep his feelings to himself and he never wanted to "bother" anyone with his problems.  Even as a young child, who felt lonely much of the time because his parents wouldn't allow friends to come over, John didn't complain.

Whenever John's father heard anyone talking about feeling sad or anxious, he would just shake his head and say that, personally, he didn't have time to think about how sad or anxious he might feel, and he considered "complaining" about it to be a luxury.

Years later, after John graduated college and moved out to NYC to settle into a career, he felt guilty and self indulgent whenever he realized that he felt sad, lonely or anxious.  Instead of focusing on his emotions, he just worked harder and tried to forget about his feelings.

But when he began developing physical problems, including back pain, headaches and gastrointestinal problems and he went to see his medical doctor, his doctor told him that he couldn't find a medical cause for John's physical problems, and he recommended that John see a psychotherapist.

John was shocked to hear his doctor tell him that there were probably underlying psychological issues  involved with his medical problems.  So then, his doctor explained the mind-body connection to John to help John understand that his body was taking the toll for his unexamined and unresolved emotional problems.

No one in John's family would ever think of seeing a psychotherapist, so he felt ashamed and "weak" for not being able to handle his problems on his own, especially as a man.  He shuttered to think what his parents, especially his father, would think if they knew that he set up a consultation with a psychotherapist.  He knew, even if they didn't say it out loud, that they would think he was "weak."

Over time, John learned in therapy how hard he was being on himself and that his rigid views about what people "should" and "shouldn't" do were getting in his way and creating more problems for himself.  He also discovered that an experienced psychotherapist could help him to access his own strengths in ways that he couldn't do on his own.

Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak

It took a while before John was able to feel that it actually takes courage to get help in therapy.  As he worked through his emotional problems, his medical symptoms were alleviated and he realized that his unresolved emotional issues had turned into medical problems because he wasn't dealing with them in the past.  But now that he was dealing with them directly, he also no longer felt sad or anxious, and he didn't feel lonely because he was learning new and effective ways to relate to people, so he was making friends.

Distorted Perceptions About Being "Weak" Are Often Deeply Ingrained
One of the reason why a myth like "going to therapy means you're weak" lingers is that it is a distorted perception that remains ingrained in the minds of many people.  Unfortunately, it also makes it difficult for people who need help to ask for help (see my article: Tips on Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help ).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize yourself in the vignette above, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you work through your problems and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me:
I'm a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

See my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time

Another Study Reveals There's a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Many clients that I see in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they notice a seasonal pattern to their mood and that they tend to feel happier in the spring and summer when there's more sunlight as opposed to the winter when there's less sun.  

Study Reveals a Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health

Most of these psychotherapy clients who report a seasonal pattern to their mood don't meet the criteria for seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health
There have been studies before that show a seasonal pattern to mental health.  

A New York Times article by Nicholas Bakalar discusses yet another study with similar findings (see link below for the article).  

The full research study is reported in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

It's great to have the research to back up what has been reported to most therapists for a long time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you notice a change in your mood due to seasonal changes, current circumstances in your life, longstanding problems or for reasons unknown, rather than suffering alone, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Seasonal Pattern to Mental Health - Nicholas Bakalar - NY Times

More Seniors Citizens Are Attending Psychotherapy These Days

More senior citizens are attending psychotherapy these days, according to Abby Ellin of the New York Times (see link for the article and a video below).  For many seniors, the stigma that once was associated with attending therapy no longer exists.  

More Seniors Are Attending Therapy

They've seen their children and grandchildren attend therapy and they're aware now that a person doesn't have to be "crazy" to attend therapy.  Also, people are living longer these days, and many of them don't want to live an unexamined life for their remaining years.

My Internship Experience With Senior Citizens at a Local Nursing Home
When I was in graduate school, I was a clinical social work intern at a local nursing home.  At the time, the thinking was that all these senior residents needed was someone to talk to and keep them company because they were lonely.

So, I was assigned to meet with a few of the residents on a weekly basis, and as I met with them, I discovered that they had unique problems at this stage of their lives that weren't being addressed.

Recognizing that senior citizens have unique issues that are often unaddressed might seem like commonsense now, but back then, this wasn't the thinking in the administration.  They were quite surprised to hear that residents were interested in talking about their personal histories and how it affected their lives, unresolved family issues, their emotional and social isolation, their fear of dying, and many other related issues.

A Positive Shift in Perspective For Administrators:  Seniors Can Benefit From Psychotherapy
The administration was surprised at how open these residents were to talk about themselves and their problems.  Rather than just "keeping them company,"the residents and I were addressing important, sometimes longstanding, issues in their lives.

I was very happy that by the time I left the internship, the administration had changed their views, and they hired a therapist to provide psychotherapy sessions to these residents.

Many Seniors Can Work Through Trauma
There is one area where I disagree with Ms. Ellin.  At one point in the video, she says she thinks that most seniors probably will not make big changes in their lives.

Of course, a person's ability to make changes, no matter what the age, is different for each person.  But, contrary to what I understood Ms. Ellin to say, I have worked with senior citizens using EMDR to work through longstanding trauma.  So, contrary to what many people think, many seniors can, indeed, make big changes in their lives.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Therapy Can Help in the Golden Years - by Abby Ellin - New York Times

Grief: Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

As we explored in the prior article, Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, everyone is different when it comes to dealing with grief. What is right for one person is not right for another person. The following are some suggestions for how you can take care of yourself. Use your judgement in terms of what's right for you, and know that there are many other healthy ways to comfort yourself.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: How to Take Care of Yourself

Emotional support:
For most people, it's important to have the emotional support of people who are close to them. Don't isolate. Sometimes, people don't know how to express their condolences to you because they feel that whatever they might say would not be adequate compared to the depth of your feelings, but usually their intentions are heartfelt.

It can be very comforting to talk to people who knew your loved one. Hearing their experiences and their memories can help to ease your pain. That's why memorial services are so helpful to families and friends. Remembering your loved one can help you to feel how much a part of you he will always be.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings:
Trying to avoid your feelings will only make them feel worse and prolong the pain. When you try to stuff your feelings, you can only do it temporarily.

Sooner or later, your feelings will come to the surface again and, if you avoid them, you might find yourself dealing with them in ways that are unhealthy (drinking, using drugs, overeating, overspending, developing health problems, etc). It's not unusual for the most recent loss of a loved one to bring up other losses.

Take the time when you're in a place where you feel safe and comfortable to allow yourself to cry, wail, or punch pillows, if that's what you want to do. You're not going crazy. These are normal feelings.

And don't allow well-meaning people to tell you things like, "You just have to move on with your life" while you're in the initial stage of grief or "Be strong" or any of the other inappropriate things that people say. If you find that some people are insensitive, don't share your feelings with them. Share your feeling only with people who are supportive of you. And be patient with yourself.

Seek professional help:
If you feel that your sadness is developing into depression, seek professional help. You might only need brief treatment to help you feel better.

About Me: 
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation,  call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.