How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy

In my last article, 4 Reasons Why Attending Sessions Consistently is Important For Your Progress in Therapy, I focused on why consistency is essential to success in therapy.  

I mentioned that motivation to change is what brings people into therapy and keeping the momentum going is how people make changes.

Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy

What is Momentum?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines momentum as the strength or force gained by motion or by a series of events.

A common example of momentum is the snowball effect, which refers to the effect of events building on each other as a result of momentum. 

What is Psychological Momentum?

Researchers who study psychological momentum describe it as a perceptual force that changes human behavior and performance.

Psychological momentum is linked to the concept that "Success breeds success." 

Keeping Up the Momentum in Therapy

The concept of psychological momentum is often discussed in sports when a team is on a "winning streak." 

Winning gives the team the mental and physical power to keep going. While they're winning, they gain confidence and feel unstoppable.

In politics, psychological momentum often occurs when a candidate wins a string of political races, gains confidence and the perception that victory is inevitable.

What is Psychological Momentum in Psychotherapy?

Clinical Vignettes

The two examples below are both composites of many different cases.  

The first case shows how inconsistency and lack of motivation has a negative impact on therapy and the client's goals.

The second case shows how consistency and motivation leads to psychological momentum which enables the client to be successful in achieving his goals.

Jim

In an effort to overcome low self esteem, Jim began weekly therapy.  After a few sessions, he started cancelling appointments even though he had to pay for the cancellations.  When his therapist told him it was important to come consistently to make progress in therapy, Jim ghosted his therapist. He didn't respond to her outreach. After a few months, he started therapy with a different therapist and repeated the same pattern.  When his friend, Joe, asked Jim how therapy was going, Jim told him that he thought therapy didn't work.  

Joe

When he heard his friend, Jim, say that therapy didn't work, Joe was surprised.  He told Jim that he had been going to therapy consistently for a year and he felt he was making progress in learning how to be assertive.  He also told Jim that, at first, he had his doubts as to whether he would ever learn to assert himself but, over time, his therapy gained momentum and he was happy with the progress he was making.  

Conclusion

To experience psychological momentum in therapy, it's important to be motivated and consistent.

Many people start therapy with good intentions and then become discouraged when they have to put in an effort to make changes and they leave therapy prematurely (see my article: Why Do People Leave Therapy Prematurely?).

Eventually, many of those people return to therapy because trying to cope with their unresolved problems is much harder than doing the work in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

If you're motivated and consistent in therapy, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to build momentum to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from reaching your goals.  

Motivation, consistency and a willingness to do the work in therapy often leads to psychological momentum and a positive ripple effect in other areas of your life.

So rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems, including unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Many clients start psychotherapy because they want to enhance their performance in their career or in their personal life.  Although EMDR therapy is generally known for resolving psychological trauma, since it was developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. in the 1980s EMDR has been used in many other areas, including anxiety reduction, overcoming phobias, and performance enhancement (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and What is Adjunctive EMDR?).

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

Executives, actors, writers, singers, athletes, artists and people in many other situations seek help from EMDR therapists to overcome their performance anxiety and their related negative beliefs that are getting in the way of their success.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how EMDR therapy is used for performance enhancement:

Fictional Vignette: EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement:

Tom
When Tom's director told him that he was promoting him to an executive level position with a significant increase in salary, Tom was thrilled.  He worked hard for this promotion, and he was happy that he was being recognized by his director.

Then, his director told Tom that part of the new responsibilities would be to give presentations to the board of directors, and Tom felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

While Tom really wanted the promotion, he dreaded giving presentations--especially to the board of directors.  He suffered with a lifelong dread of public speaking.  Even when he was in high school and he was asked to address his teachers and fellow students, he stammered and trembled on stage.

Giving his presentation in high school was one of the most humiliating experiences of his life. After that experience, he avoided public speaking.  Even in college, he managed to get through without having to do a presentation.  But now he knew that there was too much at stake for his career and he wanted to overcome his fear of public speaking.

A close friend, Jim, told Tom that his son, who was a college basketball player, was seeing an EMDR therapist for performance enhancement.  His son tended to "choke" in a big game, which made him feel ashamed and discouraged.

Jim told Tom that the EMDR therapist helped his son to overcome his performance anxiety and build his self confidence, which helped to enhance his performance.  He recommended that Tom find an EMDR therapist to deal with his anxiety about public speaking.

Tom had never heard of EMDR therapy before, but he looked it up online and saw all the positive research about EMDR's effectiveness, so he contacted an EMDR therapist to begin therapy.

During the first several sessions, Tom's EMDR therapist obtained information about Tom's family history and helped him to develop internal resources.

Then, they were ready to begin processing Tom's fear of public speaking.  His therapist asked Tom to recall his memory of speaking in the auditorium in high school.  After Tom accessed the memory, she asked him several questions, including what his negative belief is about himself as it is related to that memory.

Tom thought about it and said, "I feel powerless when I have to speak in front of an audience."  He told his therapist that he wanted to feel confident and in control when he does public speaking.

Then, Tom and his EMDR therapist began the desensitization phase of EMDR.  While they were doing EMDR, they discovered that there were several other earlier memories that were related to the memory they were working on so, over time, they processed these underlying memories as well.

When Tom no longer felt anxious about his memories, they worked on the current situation and a future situation until Tom no longer felt anxious about speaking in front of the board of directors.

When his therapist checked with Tom to find out if he felt confident and in control about public speaking, Tom said he was very surprised that he actually did feel confident and in control.

The proof came a few months later when, in his new executive position, Tom had to go before the board of directors to do his first presentation to them.

Before the presentation, Tom was surprised to notice that he wasn't at all nervous.  He felt confident that he was the top expert in his company for the topic he would be presenting, so there was no one else who knew more about it than he did.

EMDR Therapy For Performance Enhancement

During his presentation, Tom felt confident and in control.  He also saw his director standing in the back of the room smiling and nodding at him, which made him feel even more confident.

Afterwards, the chief executive officer thanked Tom for an informative presentation and told him that he hoped it would be the first of many.

Conclusion
EMDR therapy was originally developed to help clients to overcome psychological trauma.  However, since it was first developed, EMDR therapy has been found to be highly effective for other types of problems, including performance enhancement.

The fictional vignette presented above represents one way that clients react to EMDR therapy for performance enhancement.  Of course, everyone is different and will have their own idiosyncratic responses.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with a problem related to performance anxiety--whether it relates to career issues, taking steps to improve your health or whatever anxiety might be getting in your way of success--you could benefit from EMDR therapy.

The complexity of the anxiety-related problem will be different for each person.  Some people can overcome their performance anxiety in a relatively short time.  Other people have more complicated problems that have roots that go beyond the current situation and would need more time doing EMDR.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EMDR therapist.

Overcoming your performance anxiety can open up a new world for you.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped clients to free themselves from their performance anxiety so they could go on to achieve success in their fields.

I also work as an adjunct psychotherapist for clients who want EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience and who want to remain with their primary therapist 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In an earlier article, When Trust Breaks Down: Lies of Omission, I discussed a particular type of lying that can ruin a relationship, lies of omission, because it creates mistrust.  In this article, I'm focused on how lying can become a way of life where you're lying to yourself as well as to others, and along the way, you become more and more alienated from your authentic self.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

Most people will admit that they lie now and then. Most people say that they tell lies to keep from hurting other people's feelings.  This isn't the type of lying that I'm focusing on here.

The lying that I'm referring to often starts out of a deep-seated fear that you're not "good enough" compared to other people.

I'm not referring to what con men or sociopaths do for criminal activity.

What I'm focusing on is much more common.

It might start out by exaggerating certain things about yourself, like what you do for a living, how much money you make or other exaggerations about other aspects.

It can be a slippery slope from exaggerating to telling out right lies, especially if you get the attention and admiration that you might be seeking.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

In my opinion, there is more pressure today than in the past to be seen as "successful" and as a "winner" and, as a result, more common to present a false self.  As compared with 20 years ago, "success" seems to be viewed in narrow terms, mostly to do with financial success.

With the advent of social media sites, like Facebook, where friends are posting happy pictures of their relationships, their vacations, the purchases and even the food they eat, it's easy to feel envious and compare yourself unfavorably to others and feel you're not good enough (see my articles: How to Stop Comparing Yourself Unfavorably to Others and Is Your Envy of Others Ruining Your Relationships?)

Comparing yourself unfavorably to others, whether it's on social media or in person, can leave you feeling like an "outsider"--like everyone else knows how to be "cool" and you don't (see my article:  Feeling Like an Outsider in an Insider's World), which can be deeply painful.  For many people, this feeling has it's origins in childhood when they weren't part of the popular crowd or they weren't picked to be on certain teams.

Are You Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are?

While it's true that not everyone is susceptible to this pressure to "be a success," there are many people, who already feel insecure about themselves without this external pressure and who would rather lie to themselves as well as others (about who they are and what they have) than to be seen as unsuccessful.

Unfortunately, feeding into this problem is the popular notion, which is marketed in some motivational speakers in so-called self improvement seminars, that promote a "fake it till you make it" or "if you think you're a success, you are a success" type of mentality.

So-Call Self Improvement Seminars: "Fake It Till You Make It"

It's feel-good strategy that begins to create the lie for many people who feel there's something missing in them and they want a quick fix to eliminate their sense of inadequacy.

The problem is that there's a difference between a getting pumped up emotionally in a weekend self improvement seminar and doing the inner psychological required to make genuine changes within yourself.

The weekend self improvement strategy is appealing to many people because it promises quick change.  Unfortunately, it often leads to a receding of the genuine self into the background.

For some people the feeling that you're not being authentic can be so offensive and disappointing that it's enough to destroy the relationship.  This can leave you with only superficial friendships with people who are also lying and pretending to be someone that they're not.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are
If you've been lying to yourself and others about who you are, it's not easy to change.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how you can stop lying to yourself and others about who you are.  Since everyone and every situation is different, it will depend on the circumstances.

How to Stop Lying to Yourself and Others About Who You Are

At the very least, you must be willing to overcome your fear that people won't like you just the way you are.  This begins by learning to like yourself.

In a prior article, Learning to Feel Comfortable With Yourself, I discuss various strategies that might be helpful to begin the journey of reconnecting with your authentic self.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been caught up in lying to yourself and others for a while, trying to find your way back to being your authentic self can feel very challenging, and you might not know where to begin to reconnect with your inner world.

Getting in Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to understand the underlying issues that created the problem, overcome the fear that you're not good enough as you are, as well as help you to reconnect with your true self.

As you become more comfortable with who you really are, you'll be attracted to people who have more depth to their character than just judging people by their financial success or outward appearance.

Living in a more authentic way can be freeing and create an a positive ripple effect (see my article:  The Positive Ripple Effect).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome feelings of inadequacy so that they can live more authentic lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way to the Final Goal

In an earlier article, Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals, I discussed strategies for successfully accomplishing your goals.  In this article, I'd like to focus on a specific aspect of success in achieving goals, which is learning to celebrate the steps along the way to achieving your ultimate goal.

Achieving Your Goals: Learn to Celebrate Small Successes Along the Way

Staying Motivated
Often, when people are so focused on achieving goals, they only give themselves credit at the point when they have completed the goal and not for the interim steps that represent small successes along the way.

In order to stay motivated to stick with a big goal, rather than only focusing on the end result, it's important to acknowledge and feel good about all the steps along the way that add up to a big transformational goal.  

When you feel good about the steps that you're taking, you're more likely to stay focused on your goal than when you don't' attribute much importance to each step.

Let's compare two examples, which are fictionalized accounts of many people's experience of working on goals:

Mary's Story:

After her doctor warned her that she was prediabetic, Mary decided that she was going to lose 50 lbs with a combination of a change in diet and increased exercise.  She joined the gym and she also joined Weight Watchers and attended their support groups.  She also started therapy to try to understand what triggered her overeating and to develop better coping skills.

Achieving Your Goals: Mary's Story

After the month, Mary lost 7 lbs., which her friends, therapist and Watch Watcher peer group applauded.  But Mary was unable to accept their praise, and she was only focused on her end goal of losing 50 lbs.  She brushed off the praise by saying, "But I'm still very overweight and I won't be happy until I lose the 50 lbs."

By the second month, Mary lost another 5 lbs., and even though the people who were part of her emotional support system, once again, praised this accomplishment, Mary was beginning to feel discouraged.  

Even though her doctor told her that she was losing weight at a healthy rate and, if she continued with her healthier lifestyle she would eventually get to her goal, Mary still felt down because she wasn't "there yet" at her goal.

By the third month, Mary was still berating herself.   Even though she lost another 5 lbs., rather than using the coping strategies that she learned in therapy, she felt so discouraged and impatient that she had not lost the 50 lbs. that she stopped dieting and exercising; she stopped going to therapy, and she resumed her unhealthy lifestyle until she gained back all of the weight that she lost.

Betty's Story:

Betty's doctor told Betty that she needed to lose 50 lbs in order to avoid developing diabetes, which runs in the family.  Betty knew that it would take a while for her to accomplish her goal of losing 50 lbs and that it wouldn't be easy.  She knew it would be a process.

So, in order to stay motivated, she set reasonable interim goals to the final goal of losing 50 lbs.  Her goal was to lose 5 lbs per month over 10 months.  She joined the gym and Weight Watchers, and she also started therapy to stay motivated and manage the emotional triggers that caused her overeating.

Betty also made a plan that she would reward herself for every 5 lbs that she lost along the way.  So, after she lost the first 5 lbs., she treated herself to a massage, and after she lost the second 5 lbs., she treated herself to a day out with friends to see a play.

Achieving Your Goals: Betty's Story

Betty was able to take in the praise of friends and other supporters and allow it to sink in so she felt good about herself along the way.  This, in turn, kept her motivated while she learned to deal with the emotional triggers of overeating in her therapy.  

Within 10 months, Betty achieved her ultimate goal of losing 50 lbs. and she learned how to keep it off with the new coping skills she learned in therapy as well as the other healthy habits she learned in therapy.

Comparing the Two Scenarios:

It's obvious from comparing the two scenarios that Betty was successful in achieving her overall goal by:

• breaking down her goal into smaller, manageable parts
• seeing her final goal as a process and being patient
• rewarding herself for her smaller successes to stay motivated along the way to her ultimate goal
• being able to feel good about herself and accept praise from her emotional support system
• sticking with her plan, learning new strategies, making changes and not getting discouraged

We can compare this to running a marathon vs a sprint.  If a marathon runner started the race by only focusing on the end result, s/he might get discouraged before the halfway mark.  Being able to complete the race (or achieve the ultimate goal) means having a strategy to go the distance.

Getting Help in Therapy
Even when people know that they need to celebrate their small successes along the way, there are often emotional obstacles that make it difficult for them to do this for themselves, especially if they don't feel good about themselves.

Many people struggle with this issue, and everyone needs help at some point in their lives, so you're not alone.

Getting help from a licensed mental health professional and sticking with therapy can help you to overcome the particular emotional obstacles that are keeping you from accomplishing your goals.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to achieve their goals and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Overcoming Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to Your Family

Many clients come to therapy because they struggle with achieving successful completions.  This difficulty can involve almost anything from a writer's struggles to complete a story to a student's struggles to complete high school or college.

Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to Your Family

Regardless of the particular issue involved, people with this fear often experience unconscious internal conflict about achieving a successful completion.  In this article, I'll address a particular type of fear which involves fear of success linked unconsciously to fear of being disloyal to the family.

Unconscious Fear of Being Disloyal to the Family
People who have this problem often blame themselves by calling themselves "lazy" or "stupid" because they don't understand the unconscious root of their problem.

There can be many reasons why a person struggles with internal conflict about successful completions. One common reason is an unconscious fear of being disloyal to the family.

Let's take a look at a vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, to see how this problem can play out in a person's life:

Ted
Ted came to therapy because he was having problems completing an article for a professional journal  that had a deadline which was looming over his head.

Overcoming Fear of Success Linked Unconsciously to Fear of Being Disloyal to the Family

When Ted first came to therapy, he couldn't understand why he was having such a problem completing the the project.  He was an experienced writer who had written many articles before.  But the difference  with this particular article was that his publisher told Ted that he had a chance to get significant recognition in his field, including lucrative speaking engagements, by publishing this article, and Ted felt more "blocked" than he had ever felt before.

It didn't make sense to him why he was struggling so much.

It was obvious that we weren't going to get anywhere in therapy by just talking about it, and there was no quick fix for Ted's problem.

So, I educated Ted about the mind-body connection and how the body can provide information about what's happening on an unconscious level (see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Provides a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

I asked Ted to focus on where he sensed the emotional discomfort in his body when he thought about writing the article, and he was able to say he felt tension in his upper stomach.

As we stayed with the feeling and where he felt it in his body, I asked Ted to just see what images, thoughts or feelings came to mind.

As Ted continued to sense into what he was experiencing, he began having thoughts about his mother, who died several years ago.

At first, Ted didn't think his thoughts about his mother were relevant, but I asked him to stay with it and see what else came up.

As he stayed with it, he identified feelings of anxiety, guilt and sadness, but he didn't know why he was feeling this way.

Over time, in subsequent sessions, we continued to work in this way, and Ted began having memories of his mother struggling to make ends meet by cleaning other people's houses after Ted's father left the household.

As the sole supporter of Ted and his younger brother, his mother would often come home exhausted.  As a child, Ted had a very strong wish that he could do something to make his mother's life easier, but he was only 10 years old, so there was nothing he could do.

There were times his mother's employers, who had significant financial means, were inconsiderate of her and didn't pay her on time.  Sometimes, weeks would go by before they paid her, and she was too afraid of being fired to ask for the money.  This usually meant that she was late with the rent.

During one session, as Ted was focusing on his emotions and physical sensations, he remembered how, as a child, he felt such hatred for these people.  He was surprised because he had not thought about this in many years.

Then, Ted felt overwhelmed with sadness as he realized that he was "blocked" in his work because he now had a chance to get significant recognition, and possibly make a lot of money, and he feared being in the same league as his mother's former employers, the people who mistreated his mother.

Unconscious Fear that Success Would Mean Disloyalty to His Mother

Ted remembered that, as a child, he hated people who had a of money.  But, as an adult, Ted he knew better than to lump all people with financial means together as one group.

He also knew that he would never behave the way that his mother's employers did.  But, on an emotional level, he felt his old childhood feelings, which were that his allegiance to his mother's memory would be broken if he became financially successful.

As we continued to work together over time, I helped Ted to work through his conflict and to begin to distinguish himself on an emotionally level (as opposed to only a cognitive level) from "them."

We worked with this younger self using clinical hypnosis (also known as hypnotherapy) to soothe and calm the part of himself that became the repository of these old feelings.

We also worked to help Ted to "update" his emotional reaction to his dilemma to reflect what he now understood as an adult--namely, that being successfully would not be a form of disloyalty to his mother (see my article:  Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

We also worked through the grief Ted was holding onto for the loss of both his mother and father.

Over time, as we worked through his conflict, Ted became calmer and his ideas began to flow.    He was no longer blocked.

Ted became more confident.  He no longer felt that becoming successful would make him disloyal to his mother.

As Ted Worked Through His Emotional Conflict, He Became More Confident 

As he became more confident, he felt good about his writing again, and he began sharing his draft with his wife, who was emotionally supportive of Ted throughout the process.

Ted was able to complete the article on time, and he was able to enjoy the success that came with it without feeling guilty.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many clients come to therapy because they can't understand why they have problems with completions, whether it's completing a college degree or completing a particular project.

Often, by the time they come to therapy, their difficulty with completions has had a significant impact on their lives.

There can be many reasons why people struggle with completing projects or tasks.  The struggle often involves unresolved unconscious psychological issues tied to family history.

If you 're struggling with this issue, you don't need to struggle alone.  You owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise helping clients with this problem.

Working through this issue can free you from an emotional burden that's holding you back.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals

Staying positive and focused on your goals, especially long-term goals, can be challenging.

Many people who made New Year's resolutions in January have already given up on keeping their resolutions (see my article: Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions).

There are many reasons why people, who start out motivated at the beginning of the year, lose their motivation after just a few months or even a few weeks.

Here are some of the primary reasons why people give up on their goals:

Having Unrealistic Goals
Many people have unrealistic ideas about what they can achieve.

New Year's resolutions tend to be about things like losing weight, exercising more or eating healthier.

These are all worthy goals, but the problem arises when people set unrealistic goals, like wanting to lose 50 lbs in a month.  This is an unrealistic and unattainable goal for most people and it sets them up for failure.

In addition to being realistic and attainable, you're more likely to succeed at accomplishing your goals if they're specific, measurable, relevant and time bound.

Engaging in All or Nothing Thinking
When goals are unrealistic and unattainable, people usually become discouraged and give up rather than recognizing that the goal was unrealistic and modifying it.

It becomes an all-or-nothing proposition for them (see my article:  Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Having False Expectations that Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"
The idea of people "reinventing" themselves is a part of the American culture.

We read in self help books and hear ads all the time that say that you can create a "new you" if you only lose weight, have whiter teeth or ____________________ (fill in the blank).

This cultural stereotype appeals to people who want a "quick fix" as opposed to people who recognize that change is a process that usually occurs over time.

Avoid False Expectations That Accomplishing Your Goals Will Create a "New You"

When people focus exclusively on external change without focusing on internal change, even when they succeed at their external goal, it's harder to persevere in that goal if they haven't done the psychological work that's necessary to maintain the process.

For instance, I've known people who had lap band surgery to lose weight.

After the surgery, they lost a lot of weight.  But if they didn't work on the psychological issues that triggered overeating, they often either reverted to overeating and got sick or they developed another addictive behavior, like gambling.

Allowing People in Your Life to Discourage You
When you have an important goal, it's important to share your intention with people who are going to be supportive of you (see my article: Beware of Emotional Saboteurs).

Emotional support to accomplish a goal can make the difference between accomplishing your goal or giving up.

Don't Allow Emotional Saboteurs to Discourage You From Accomplishing Your Goals

In an ideal world, everyone in your life would be supportive and encouraging.  But, as most of us know, this just isn't the case.

When you share your intention to accomplish a goal with people who tend to be discouraging, you're exposing yourself to their negative thinking and, possibly, allowing their negativity to derail you.

People who tend to be negative and discouraging aren't always doing it to sabotage you.  Sometimes, without even realizing it, they project their own discouragement about themselves onto you.

If you know you have a healthy, realistic and worthy goal, you have to become more self protective and talk about your goal with other motivated people who are doing positive things in their lives and want the same for you.

Allowing Self Sabotage and Negative Thoughts to Keep You From Accomplishing Your Goals
Even more detrimental than other people's negativity are your own negative thoughts that can creep in so easily, before you realize it, to discourage you from accomplishing your goals (see my article:  Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?)

Negative thoughts (also known as negative self talk) can be so insidious and so automatic that, before you know it, you've talked yourself out of pursuing your goals.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals
Remember that change is a process.

Staying Positive and Focused on Your Goals: Change is a Process

Keeping a journal where you write down your progress along the way to accomplishing your goals can help you to stay positive and focused on your goals (see my article:  Are You Able to Celebrate Your Progress or Are You Only Focused on How Much More You Have to Go?).

Along the way, keeping a gratitude journal can also help you to appreciate all that you have to be grateful for throughout the process of working on your goals.

Getting Help in Therapy
It can be challenging to stay positive and focused on your goals even under the best of circumstances, but if you have a history of emotional trauma or there are other psychological issues that are creating obstacles for you, it's even harder.

If you realize that psychological issues are preventing you from fulfilling your dreams, you owe it to yourself to get help.

Working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in helping people to overcome psychological issues that create obstacles to realizing your goals can make the difference for you of being successful or falling short of your goals.

Getting help can lead to a more meaningful, fulfilled life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have worked with many clients to help them to overcome emotional obstacles in their lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance

To achieve your goals, you often hear that you need to persevere and pursue your goals with resolve and tenacity.  While it's certainly true that few long term goals are achieved by happenstance, it's also true that, along the way, there are times when you need to be flexible and open to new ideas and possibilities.  Often, it's a matter of balancing perseverance and flexibility.

Achieving Your Goals With Perseverance

Let's take a look at the example below, which is a composite of many cases, and illustrates the importance of how balancing perseverance and flexibility can help to achieve long-term goals:

Dana

Dana had a lifelong dream of having her own clothing store.  By time she was in her early 30s, she had worked in the fashion industry, including upscale clothing stores, for several years.  At that point, more than anything, she wanted to be her own boss.

Her father agreed to provide the initial capital for her to start her business with the understanding that she see a business consultant first to get advice.  Her father agreed to pay for the consultant.  Initially, Dana balked at the idea of hiring a consultant because she felt she already knew what she needed to do to have a successful business.

She was ready to work hard to make her business successful.  She didn't want anyone else interfering with her ideas.  She wished she didn't have to rely on her father's money to start her business.  But she knew she couldn't do it without his help and her father wouldn't provide her with the capital to start the business unless she agreed to see the consultant.  So, she agreed reluctantly.

The consultant made recommendations that were counter to what Dana had in mind.  The consultant recommended that, before she opened her business, she should first take a continuing education course on how to start a business since she had no experience. But Dana quickly brushed this off.  He also recommended that she start small and keep her overhead low.  But Dana bristled at the idea that she would have to start small.

She felt both her father and the consultant didn't have enough confidence in her.  And, instead of following the consultant's recommendations, she plunged ahead and she sought a large space in a trendy area of Manhattan.  Never having rented commercial space before, she was shocked at the rent and that the landlord wanted a co-signer.

When her father refused to co-sign, Dana was forced to take a smaller space with lower rent.  She was somewhat deflated by this, but she felt she had no choice but to go along with it.

During the first few months, Dana was shocked at how many hours she had to put in to keep the business going.  She was more than willing to work hard, but she had little to show for it monetarily at the end of the month.  The consultant advised her that she would probably lose money the first year, but she couldn't believe how much money her business was losing.

Since her father agreed to pay the rent for the first year, she wasn't worried about losing the space, but she felt guilty about going through her father's money with nothing to show for it.  To make matters worse, she discovered that her part time sales associate was stealing money from the register, so she had to let her go.

By the second year, the business continued to lose money at an alarming rate, which Dana couldn't understand.  She had originally thought that hard work and perseverance would lead to success, but this clearly wasn't the case.

When Dana's father told her that he wouldn't foot the bill for the rent any more, Dana felt like a failure.  They had to hire an attorney to get Dana out of her commercial lease.  After settling with the landlord and closing her business, Dana felt depressed.

Dana had to move back into her parents' home because she had no money to pay rent on her apartment, which made her feel worse.  For the first month, she was so depressed that she could barely get out of bed.

By the second month, when her parents told her that she needed to get a job, she reluctantly went back to her old job.  She feared that her old boss and coworkers would see her as a failure, but everyone was very kind to her.  Even so, she could barely look anyone in the eye when she first returned.

As her depression got worse, she came to see me for therapy to begin picking up the pieces of her life.  Initially, we worked on basic coping skills because Dana was having problems just getting out of bed and getting through the day.

After a few weeks, Dana was ready to deal with her grief about losing her business.  As we explored her experiences, she was able to see that a big part of her problem was a combination of her misconception that perseverance alone would make her successful and her inflexibility to follow advice from a seasoned business consultant.

Dana realized now that there were so many things she didn't know about having her own business, and she would have benefited from taking the continuing education course that the consultant recommended.

She also realized that, contrary to her feeling that she was "a total failure," there were a lot of things that she did right:  She had a good sense of what customers wanted and her merchandise sold, but her income was still so much less than her overhead.  She realized now that she had been too stubborn to see that there was a lot more that she would have needed to know to be successful.

After several months in therapy, Dana began to recover from her loss, and she signed up for the continuing education course on how to start her own business.  She also found a business partner to share in the expenses for her next clothing store.  After taking the course, she was in a much better position to try her hand again at having her own business.

It was a humbling experience for Dana, but her new willingness to be flexible and learn from her experience contributed to her eventual success.

Perseverance Isn't Always Enough
As Dana learned, hard work and perseverance isn't always enough for you to achieve your goals.  Sometimes, you need to be flexible and compromise in order to be successful.  This isn't always obvious at the start.  Often, you don't realize the need for flexibility until you're already involved in your project.

Many people, like Dana, have strong beliefs and fixed ideas about what they want to do and how they want to do it.  Successful people learn from experience and recognize when it's necessary to either change course or make modifications to their plan.

Getting Help in Therapy
If Dana's story resonates for you in a particular area of your life and you're having difficulty overcoming this problem on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many psychotherapy clients to achieve their goals.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

Often, when people feel stuck with where they are in their lives, their disappointment has a way of coloring their perspective about all of their life--not just their current state.  Usually, this is a distorted view based on how they're feeling about themselves now.  

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

When I'm working with a psychotherapy client whose self perception is distorted in this way, I often recommend that she write down the milestones of her life to help her gain a better perspective.

What Are Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones are memorable markers in a lifetime.  Milestones can be memorable events or accomplishments.  Whether they're happy or sad occasions, they represent important events in your life.

Why Write Down the Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones usually serve to give you a perspective on how your life has changed over time.  So, if you're struggling at the moment because you're feeling stuck and you feel that nothing ever changes in your life, writing down and reviewing the milestones in your life, can give you a different perspective.

Whether you view the important milestones in your life as being positive or negative or some combination of the two, you can see how your life has changed over time.

You can also gain a perspective that your life will continue to change over time.  This can be a useful perspective if you're currently feeling stuck.

Usually, I recommend that clients write down the milestones on a timeline starting with the earliest memories on the left and moving forward to the right on the timeline.

Which Events Should You Choose to Write About?
It's completely up to you which events you choose.  There's no wrong way to do this exercise.  Even two people who seem to have similar lives, at least from an external perspective, will usually have very different feelings about what's important to each of them, so they'll focus on different milestones.

One of them might include milestones about memorable birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time she fell in love. And the other might include certain accomplishments, like graduating college, getting an article published in a magazine and the death of a parent.

The Milestones That Seem Important to You Often Change Over Time
What's interesting to see, if you do this exercise at various times in your life, is that some of the milestones that you choose will be different at various stages of your life.

For one thing, there are new milestones as time goes on.

But, even more interesting is that, often, when you look at the same events at different points in your life, different events will seem more important at any given time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones
This makes sense when we realize that what's important to us changes over time, so what stands out at any given time as a milestone is likely to change with the passage of time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones 

That's why writing down milestones at various points in your life can be such an eye opener in terms of how you see yourself and your life.

Milestones to Accomplish Your Long-Term Goals
Writing down milestones can be done retrospectively or as a way to set long-term goals for the future.  So, if you have a particular long-term goal that you would like to accomplish, you can write down the milestones that you would need to accomplish in order to achieve your goal.

Feeling More Empowered in Your Life

Whether you use milestones retrospectively or to set goals for the future, writing them down and looking at them over time can help you, especially when you feel stuck in your life, to realize that life is always changing over time.

And when you recognize that life changes over time, you can also feel empowered to take steps to make the changes you would like to see in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is That All There Is? When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty

For many people, the meaning of "success" and "having it all"means making a lot of money, buying a big house, having a new car, and being married to an attractive spouse (not necessarily in that order).  For other people, "having it all" might mean being smart, having a graduate degree, and the prestige of being published and recognized as an expert in a particular field.  

Is That All There Is?  When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty

"Having It All," But Feeling Something is Missing 

But, more often than not, people who have attained their definition of "having it all," are surprised to discover that, instead of making them happy, after a while, they feel empty inside.  They're confused because they feel like there's something missing, but they can't understand what it is since they already have everything they set out to get, so what else could there be?

What Does It Mean to "Have It All"?

How we define "success"' and "having it all" usually determines our focus and the direction we take in our lives.  Early on, we're given implicit, and often explicit, messages about what it means to be successful.  In school and the world around us that usually means striving to be competitive and to get excellent grades so you're at the top of your class with the end goal of getting a well-paid job so you can have monetary success and prestige.

Is That All There Is?  When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty

Most people would agree that having a certain degree of financial comfort is better than struggling financially.  And while there's certainly nothing wrong with being smart and striving to have monetary success and prestige, if that's all you want, more than likely, when you get it, you'll be wondering, "Is that all there is?," like the song with the same title.  This can be a tremendous letdown, especially if you've invested years of your life to attain these goals.

When Disappointment Leads to Striving For More of the Same

Often, people respond to feeling this disappointment by striving even harder to have more...more money, more prestige, a bigger vacation house, a more expensive car, and so on.  They become even more competitive with their colleagues, friends, loved ones, and neighbors.  But the problem with this is that there will always be someone who is smarter, richer, and more powerful than you are, so where does this end?  For someone people, it ends with deeper disappointment. For other people, it ends with sudden cardiac arrest.

Getting Help When "Having It All" Leaves You Feeling Empty

At about this point, people who might never have come to therapy, seek help.  Striving more, working harder, being bigger and better, smarter and faster hasn't brought lasting happiness, and they're in emotional crisis.  They've done everything they've been told and everything they know how to do to be happy, but happiness eludes them, and they don't know why.  They often come to therapy feeling that their lack of happiness is, somehow, their fault.  

What Is a Meaningful Life to You? 

Rather than looking for a place to cast blame, when "having it all" leaves you feeling empty inside, it's important to take a look at how you're defining success.  Although it might sound like an old cliche, when your definition of success is only narrowly defined by the external things in your life, after a while, these things become less meaningful to you.  If you haven't broadened your definition of success to include a rich inner life and contributing in a meaningful way to the world around you, more than likely, if you're at all in touch with your emotions, you'll feel empty inside. 

Whether you call this empty feeling inside "a spiritual crisis," "a mid-life crisis" or a crisis by any other name, usually, when you get to this point, you can feel desperate because, along the way, you might not have learned any other ways for being happy other than to be more and to get more.  Perhaps you've also surrounded yourself with like-minded people.  And, when you compare yourself to them, they seem to be happy with their lives, so you might ask yourself, "What's wrong with me?"

Psychotherapy:  A Place to Explore and Discover New Aspects of Yourself

Psychotherapy is a place where you can explore and discover what it would mean to you to have a meaningful life.  In the privacy of a therapy session with an objective therapist who is empathetic and with whom you have a rapport, you can start to focus on your inner world, as opposed to being exclusively focused on your external world.  

Whereas friends and loved ones might have their own views of what it means to have a meaningful life, a skilled clinician can help you develop your own new definition of what it means to be successful in a much broader sense without judging you or imposing his or her own views.

Psychotherapy: A Place to Explore and Discover New Aspects of Yourself

Your psychotherapy session is a time and place dedicated to you where you have uninterrupted time to develop and discover aspects of yourself that you might not have even known exist.  It's a chance to discover and experiment with new possibilities of who you are and what might make you happy.

When continuing to do more of the same of what you've been doing continues to leave you disappointed, you owe it to yourself to work with a skilled clinician who can help you expand your definition of success and happiness.  

About Me:

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me: josephineolivia@aol.com.

Learning to Celebrate Your Success in Life

Celebrate Your Success

Setting and accomplishing goals can be challenging. When you succeed at attaining your goals, it's important to acknowledge your hard work and perseverance by celebrating your success. 

Yet, so many people have a hard time recognizing and acknowledging their success.

Feeling Empty Rather than Happy After Accomplishing a Goal
Over the years, so many people have told me that they looked forward to accomplishing a long term goal, but after they succeeded, they felt empty inside.  Rather than feeling happy that they attained a hard-won success, they feel nothing.

For instance, I've known a number of people who work full time and go to college at night.  This can be very challenging.  (I know this from personal experience because I attended college for years at night while I worked full time.)  When it comes time to attend their graduation, many of these same people just don't go.  They make all kinds of excuses for not attending their graduation ceremony, but it's clear they're uncomfortable and they don't know why.

An Inability to Celebrate Success is Often a Deeply-Rooted Problem
Often, this problem of being unable to celebrate success is deeply rooted in earlier problems.  For each person, it will be different.  But an inability to celebrate a success is a real problem that can follow you throughout your life robbing you of the joy you could feel for your accomplishments.

For many people who have been emotionally traumatized in life, they feel a need to be always vigilant for the next bad thing that might happen in their lives.  Letting down their guard to be happy and celebrate a success just doesn't feel like an option for them.  They might not even realize that this is what's keeping them from feeling good.  But, often, when they come to therapy, they realize that they have old emotional wounds to work through.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're someone who has problems acknowledging and celebrating your successes in life and you haven't been able to overcome this on your own, you owe it to yourself to seek professional help to work through this issue.

Life is short and it brings both joy and sorrow.  If you're only able to feel the sorrow, you're depriving yourself of many happy moments in life.  It's possible to overcome this problem, if you're willing to take the first step to get help to heal.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome emotional obstacles so they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Photo Credit: Photo Pin