How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help

In my prior article, Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are, I began a discussion about changing your negative personal narrative (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change the Way Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

In that article, I gave a brief description of how early experiences can affect your personal narrative and some self help tips on what you can do to become aware and challenge the stories you are telling yourself.  

Negative Personal Narratives Can Develop From Unresolved Trauma

In the current article, I'm delving deeper into the impact of unresolved trauma, which I mentioned towards the end of first article, and how trauma therapy can help (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Clinical Vignette: A Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Helped

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how trauma therapy can help clients to change their personal narrative from negative to positive:

Joe

When Joe, who was his early 40s, sought help in trauma therapy, he told his therapist he wanted to learn to accept he wasn't going to be in a relationship because he was unlovable and women weren't interested in him.

At that point, he believed he had to reconcile himself to a destiny of being alone, which was overwhelming for him.  But he believed that if he didn't accept what he perceived as the hopelessness of his situation, he would feel chronically dissatisfied for the rest of his life.  

Although he wanted more than anything to have a romantic partner, he told his therapist he believed it would be better to accept being alone and focus on other areas of his life.  

According to Joe, he tried working on making changes in his prior therapies so that he could get into a relationship, but no matter how much he tried, nothing worked.  As a result, he believed he had to accept that women found him fundamentally flawed and he was destined to be alone.

He believed if he learned to accept the inevitability of his being single for the rest of his life, he would be much better off than pining for something that wasn't possible.  He was adamant that he felt he wasted too much time in prior therapies trying to change himself to no avail.

As his therapist got to know Joe, she could see no objective reason why he wasn't in a relationship, which he said he really wanted.  From her perspective, she saw an intelligent, kind, handsome man who was repeatedly telling himself that he wasn't lovable or good enough to be with anyone.

Although she was aware that Joe's personal narrative was distorted, she also knew that it would be pointless to tell him this so early in his therapy because it would only increase his resistance to it.  She knew it would be much more helpful for Joe to discover this for himself through their work together.

His family background included a highly critical mother and a father who was more of an absence than a presence because he spent most of his time at work.  Even when he was at home, Joe's father, who was emotionally distant, did nothing to mitigate the damage of the mother's relentless criticism of Joe and Joe's much older siblings.

When his older siblings were old enough to leave the house, they moved out on their own to get away from their parental home--leaving Joe to endure his mother's criticism and chronic dissatisfaction with Joe, his father and her own life.  

As a result, Joe was a shy, self conscious child who mostly played by himself at home. His  mother didn't want his friends to come to their house because she feared they would upset the house.  Nor did she allow Joe to visit his friends or to play outside in the park or at the school playground.

Although Joe's teachers attempted to talk to his mother about his social isolation and the need to socialize with other children, their words fell on deaf ears.  His mother believed that Joe just needed to behave himself and do his chores, and she didn't see any value in his making friends.

Consequently, as a child, Joe didn't learn to socialize with boys and girls, and he didn't develop the necessary social skills to form friendships or relationships.  Combined with his mother's criticism that he would never amount to anything, Joe's lack of social engagement had a devastating impact on him.

By the time he was in high school, Joe carried so much shame that he shied away from girls who showed an interest in him because he knew his mother was old fashioned and wouldn't approve.  And the only friendships he made while he was at an out of state college were his dorm mates, who made an extra effort to get to know him.

If he met a young woman he was attracted to who was outgoing and who asked him out, Joe would go, but he was lacking self confidence even with women who were obviously very interested in him.

After college and law school, Joe began a lucrative career as a corporate attorney and got his own apartment in Manhattan where he tended to isolate even though he wanted to have friends and date women.

By the time he was in his late 20s, Joe began therapy to deal with his social isolation and loneliness.  But, as previously mentioned, despite having tried many different therapy modalities, Joe had no success in therapy and he remained alone.

His current therapist told Joe about EMDR therapy to resolve childhood trauma, which he was able to acknowledge.  

As long as his therapist didn't relate his childhood trauma to his current circumstances, Joe was willing to work through his crippling self esteem issues stemming from a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR Therapy and the Brain).

Part of the EMDR therapy protocol is asking the client for the negative belief they have about themselves as it relates to their traumatic memories.  

In Joe's case, his negative belief was "I'm unlovable and I'm not good enough" (see my articles:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Are Your Core Negative Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Over time, as often occurs in EMDR therapy, Joe began to make emotional connections between his traumatic childhood experiences and his current life circumstances on his own (see my article: EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

In the past, he resisted making these connections whenever his prior therapists mentioned them, so he was surprised he was making them on his own and how intuitively these connections resonated with him despite his long history of resisting them.

As he became more open to the trauma therapy process, Joe gradually allowed himself to grieve his childhood losses and he felt a weight had been lifted from him.  

As he worked through his traumatic history, Joe began to feel more optimistic about the possibility of a relationship in his future.  As a result, even though he didn't have a lot of dating experience, he was more open to dating.  

At first, whenever a woman he was dating rejected him, Joe reverted to his negative narrative about himself: "I'm unlovable" and "No one will want me."  

But, over time, Joe learned that, just like anyone else, there would be some people who would be interested in him and some who weren't.  

Working in therapy on these issues, Joe learned not to personalize these rejections (see my article: It's Not Always You - How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating).

How Trauma Therapy Helps to Develop a Positive Personal Narrative

As he continued to work through his issues in therapy and open himself to dating women, Joe's personal narrative about himself changed.  Rather than seeing himself as unlovable and not good enough, he developed a positive personal narrative where he believed he deserved love and a happier life.

Over time, Joe developed genuine self confidence and he began a relationship with a woman he met through a colleague.

Conclusion

Personal narratives are based on your history.  

If you were fortunate enough to have had a good enough childhood where you felt loved and encouraged in your life, all other things being equal, you probably will have a positive personal narrative.

On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where you were ridiculed and you internalized a negative perspective about yourself, your personal narrative will probably be negative.  Like most things, there are exceptions.

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, helps you overcome the traumatic memories that can have a lasting impact on you in adulthood if they are untreated in trauma therapy.  

Once you have worked through these issues, you can live your life without the impact of early trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are impacted by unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist, who can help you overcome your traumatic history.

Once you have worked through your trauma, you can live free from your history and change the negative stories you tell yourself.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

Often, when people feel stuck with where they are in their lives, their disappointment has a way of coloring their perspective about all of their life--not just their current state.  Usually, this is a distorted view based on how they're feeling about themselves now.  

The Benefits of Writing Down the Milestones of Your Life

When I'm working with a psychotherapy client whose self perception is distorted in this way, I often recommend that she write down the milestones of her life to help her gain a better perspective.

What Are Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones are memorable markers in a lifetime.  Milestones can be memorable events or accomplishments.  Whether they're happy or sad occasions, they represent important events in your life.

Why Write Down the Milestones in Your Life?
Milestones usually serve to give you a perspective on how your life has changed over time.  So, if you're struggling at the moment because you're feeling stuck and you feel that nothing ever changes in your life, writing down and reviewing the milestones in your life, can give you a different perspective.

Whether you view the important milestones in your life as being positive or negative or some combination of the two, you can see how your life has changed over time.

You can also gain a perspective that your life will continue to change over time.  This can be a useful perspective if you're currently feeling stuck.

Usually, I recommend that clients write down the milestones on a timeline starting with the earliest memories on the left and moving forward to the right on the timeline.

Which Events Should You Choose to Write About?
It's completely up to you which events you choose.  There's no wrong way to do this exercise.  Even two people who seem to have similar lives, at least from an external perspective, will usually have very different feelings about what's important to each of them, so they'll focus on different milestones.

One of them might include milestones about memorable birthdays, anniversaries, and the first time she fell in love. And the other might include certain accomplishments, like graduating college, getting an article published in a magazine and the death of a parent.

The Milestones That Seem Important to You Often Change Over Time
What's interesting to see, if you do this exercise at various times in your life, is that some of the milestones that you choose will be different at various stages of your life.

For one thing, there are new milestones as time goes on.

But, even more interesting is that, often, when you look at the same events at different points in your life, different events will seem more important at any given time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones
This makes sense when we realize that what's important to us changes over time, so what stands out at any given time as a milestone is likely to change with the passage of time.

Time as a Factor in Choosing Milestones 

That's why writing down milestones at various points in your life can be such an eye opener in terms of how you see yourself and your life.

Milestones to Accomplish Your Long-Term Goals
Writing down milestones can be done retrospectively or as a way to set long-term goals for the future.  So, if you have a particular long-term goal that you would like to accomplish, you can write down the milestones that you would need to accomplish in order to achieve your goal.

Feeling More Empowered in Your Life

Whether you use milestones retrospectively or to set goals for the future, writing them down and looking at them over time can help you, especially when you feel stuck in your life, to realize that life is always changing over time.

And when you recognize that life changes over time, you can also feel empowered to take steps to make the changes you would like to see in your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.