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Medical Review / Last Updated: September 18, 2026
Over the years, I have worked with many clients who grew up in families where talking about feelings was completely avoided. Often, these individuals seek therapy as adults because they never learned to identify their own emotions. As a result, they frequently struggle in their adult relationships due to deep communication barriers.
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| Growing up in a home where feelings are ignored often leaves adults without the tools to communicate, creating an invisible wall of emotional distance between partners. |
When your family discourages you from talking about your emotions as a child, you grow up having a difficult time understanding your internal world. You can read more about how allowing yourself to feel your feelings can heal unresolved childhood issues that create relationship conflicts.
The Effect of Growing Up in a Family That Doesn't Talk About Feelings
Children learn to identify and express their emotions by talking to their parents. In a healthy environment, parents reflect back what the child is experiencing and teach them how to process difficult emotional states. Over time, these children develop the tools to cope with sadness, anger, frustration, and anxiety—emotions that would be incredibly hard, if not impossible, to navigate on their own.
But what happens when parents are uncomfortable with their own emotional landscapes and actively discourage their children from expressing vulnerability?
The answer is that children are left isolated, struggling to deal with heavy emotional burdens by themselves. Finding it too difficult to process these states alone, children instinctively learn to numb their feelings as a self-protective defense mechanism.
Unfortunately, emotional numbing is rarely selective. When people numb themselves to protect against pain, they inadvertently numb themselves to all emotions, leaving them unable to fully experience happiness, intimacy, or joy as adults.
The Impact of Emotional Numbing on Romantic Partners
Living with a spouse or romantic partner who cannot identify or express basic emotions can be deeply frustrating. Many people experience a partner who cannot express feelings as being emotionally withholding, as if they are intentionally stonewalling or refusing to communicate.
However, it is usually not a matter of choice; they simply do not know how to do it. To explore this dynamic further, see my article on the connection between childhood emotional neglect and adult relationship problems.
Clinical Vignette: Rita and Tom
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how growing up in an emotionally sterile household directly impacts adult intimacy:
Rita and Tom came to couples counseling because they were trapped in a chronic communication breakdown. Specifically, whenever a conflict arose between them, Rita experienced a total emotional block. She had extreme difficulty understanding what she felt, leaving her completely unable to speak to Tom about their problems.
Their first year together was a happy, whirlwind romance. But when they moved in together, they began to encounter new relationship challenges that they had never faced before.
Tom sensed that Rita was unhappy about the long hours he spent at the office. Whenever he came home late, she looked sullen and barely spoke to him. But when he asked her about it, she brushed it off and completely refused to talk.
Because her annoyance was obvious, Tom tried to get Rita to open up, but she continued to minimize her feelings. Frustrated by her silence, Tom tried talking about his own job and the intense sales pressure he was getting from his boss. He thought if he modeled vulnerability, she would feel safe enough to talk. Instead, she continued to retreat.
The Dynamic of the "Guessing Game"
Tom felt trapped in a perpetual guessing game. Because Rita’s annoyance manifested passively—through sudden silence, emotional distance, and cold physical cues—he was constantly trying to decode her mood.
There were other things that seemed to irritate Rita, but whenever he asked, she insisted nothing was wrong. Her underlying anger simply leaked out in other ways: she would stop talking to him entirely or act incredibly cool toward him.
After a while, Tom felt he could no longer bear the tension. He told Rita that her facial expressions and demeanor made her anger obvious, and denying it was destroying their connection. He expressed a deep need for open, honest communication and couldn't understand why she was being so withholding.
The more Tom pushed for communication, the more uncomfortable Rita became. The systemic tension increased to the point where they were barely speaking at all. Recognizing that their relationship was failing, Tom suggested therapy. Rita admitted she did not believe in psychotherapy but agreed to go because it mattered to her partner.
Uncovering the Family History in Individual Therapy
When they came for their first session, Tom did most of the talking. Rita sat in a highly defensive posture—arms tightly crossed, eyes staring firmly at the floor. She minimized their distress, stating she only attended to satisfy Tom. However, when asked directly if she wanted the relationship to survive, Rita immediately came out of her shell to affirm that she deeply loved Tom and wanted to stay together.
To break the gridlock, the therapist transitioned them into temporary individual sessions. During Tom's individual sessions, he spoke freely and vented his intense frustration. He truly believed Rita was maliciously withholding her feelings. He described his own upbringing as open, loving, and emotionally expressive, with no major childhood trauma.
During Rita's individual sessions, she arrived late, appearing visibly fidgety and uncomfortable. She explained that she wasn't trying to hurt Tom, but felt genuinely paralyzed. When asked to describe her childhood family dynamics, she became visibly puzzled and struggled to provide basic information.
After several sessions, Rita painfully revealed that in her childhood home, no one was ever permitted to express anger, sadness, or any perceived "negative feelings." Her parents masked all tension with superficial jokes, forcing an artificial environment of toxic positivity.
She vividly recalled a core memory from when she was five years old: her beloved dog died, and her mother strictly commanded her to "be a big girl" and stop crying.
Rita buried her grief, and from that day forward, her mind effectively severed its connection to her emotional center.
Falling in love with Tom was the first time she had ever experienced intense adult emotions, leaving her system completely overwhelmed. She truly wasn't aware of being angry or annoyed when Tom came home late; she genuinely felt nothing but "tired." Tom’s demands for communication felt like an attack on a language she simply did not speak.
The Path to Thawing a Frozen System
Recognizing that Rita was trapped in a chronic trauma response of emotional numbing, the therapist provided targeted psychoeducation. She explained how the nervous system automatically shuts down emotional channels when a child's environment deems feelings unsafe.
To move beyond intellectual talk therapy, the therapist introduced Somatic Experiencing (SE)—a bottom-up, mind-body therapy. Instead of forcing Rita to label complex emotions textually, the therapist helped her track physical sensations step-by-step.
Slowly, Rita learned to decode her body’s unique language:
- Anger manifested as a distinct clenching in her stomach and a subtle tension in her hands.
- Sadness was identified by a heavy, compressive sensation across her chest.
Gradually, Rita's system began to safely thaw. Initially, expressing these newly identified feelings felt incredibly dangerous, triggering intense subconscious guilt as if she were breaking a childhood rule. However, Tom’s patience and validation provided the secure relational base she needed to continue.
Through this dedicated somatic work, Rita finally confronted and processed the deeply buried, longstanding childhood sadness she had carried since the loss of her dog. She realized she had a lifetime of unmet emotional needs as a child, and by finally honoring those long-buried feelings, she was able to step out of the protective freeze state, clear the emotional blocks, and build a deeply connected relationship with Tom.
Break the Cycle of Emotional Silence
If you grew up in a family that didn't talk about feelings, you don't have to stay trapped in a cycle of emotional numbing or relationship frustration. Learning to identify, experience, and communicate your emotions is a skill that can be safely reclaimed at any age.
Whether you want to work individually like Rita to thaw out your system, or as a couple to bridge a communication breakdown, specialized trauma-informed therapy can help.
About Josephine Ferraro, LCSW
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist and advanced trauma specialist. Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples move past childhood abuse emotional neglect to build deeply fulfilling, expressive relationships.
My practice integrates cutting-edge somatic and experiential modalities, including:
- Somatic Experiencing (SE)
- EMDR Therapy
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) Parts Work
- AEDP
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples
- Clinical Hypnotherapy
- Sex Therapy for individuals and couples
Start Your Healing Journey Today
I see clients online throughout New York State and in person at my private office in Greenwich Village, New York, NY 10011.
I offer a free 15-minute introductory phone call before scheduling your initial appointment.
- Website: Visit Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist to explore my practice.
- Email: Reach out confidentially via email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com.
- Phone: Call me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours.
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