How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?

Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?

Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women

Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

Communicate

• Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

Communicate

• Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 

Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax

• Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 

• Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.

• Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 

• Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 

• Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot

• Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.

• Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.

• Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.

Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare

• Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Experiencing occasional anxiety is common.  At any given time at least 30% of people experience anxiety.  In this article, I'm focusing on self help tips you can use for anxiety relief (see my articles:  What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety? , Coping with Anticipatory Anxiety and Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Coping With Anxiety

Common Symptoms of Anxiety

Let's start by defining some of the symptoms of anxiety:

• Feeling nervous, restless or tense
• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
• Having problems concentrating on anything other than your present worry
• Wanting to avoid anything that triggers your worry
• Having an increased heart rate
• Having problems sleeping (either falling or staying asleep)
• Trembling
• Sweating
• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
• Having gastrointestinal (GI) problems

Common Forms of Anxiety

Here are some common forms of anxiety:

• Generalized Anxiety

• Panic Attacks (see my article: Tips on Coping With Panic Attacks)

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Can Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs)

• Social Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety)

• Adult Separation Anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Adult Separation Anxiety)

• Agoraphobia

• Phobias (see my article:What Are Phobias?)

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

If you experience occasional anxiety, which isn't causing significant problems in your life, here are some self help tips.

• Start Your Day With a Sense of Well Being: How you start your day can set the tone for the rest of your day and make a big difference in how you feel (see my article: Tips For Starting Your Morning With a Sense of Well Being and The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

• Keep Physically Active: Whether you walk, dance, work out at the gym or engage in other healthy physical activity, keeping physical can be a powerful stress reliever.  Develop a physical routine for yourself that takes into account your ability to be active in a healthy way.  Consult with your doctor before making any significant changes to your physical activity.

• Use Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques: Meditation, visualization, yoga and other forms of stress management can help reduce anxiety (see my articles: Stress Management: Finding Moments of Peace and Relaxation,  Stress Management and Self Care, Mindfulness Meditation, Safe Place Meditation and Creating Quiet Times For Yourself).

• Remember to Breathe: When you're anxious, you might breathe in a shallow way, which can increase anxiety.  So you could benefit from being aware of your breathing and using relaxing breathing techniques (see my article: Square Breathing).

• Make Sleep a Priority: Most people need 7-8 hours of sleep per night (see my articles: Tips For Better Sleep and Conquering Your Nightmares).

• Spend Time in Nature: Spending time in green places can help relieve stress and anxiety (see my article: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood).

• Eat a Balanced Diet: A balanced diet incorporates fruits, vegetables, whole grains and proteins.  Always consult with your doctor before changing your diet.

• Reduce or Avoid Alcohol: The stimulative effect of alcohol can increase anxiety, so be aware of how much you're drinking (see my articles: Overcoming the Temptation to Use "Liquid Courage" to Cope With Social Situations).

• Avoid Recreational Drugs: Certain recreational drugs can increase anxiety, including cannabis.  

• Cut Back or Eliminate Caffeinated Beverages: Caffeine can make anxiety worse, so be aware of your caffeine intake and take steps to either reduce or eliminate caffeinated beverages.

• Quit Smoking: Nicotine can make anxiety worse so take steps to stop smoking (see my article: Becoming a Successful Nonsmoker)

• Keep a Journal: Keeping a personal journal can help you to become aware of what's causing you anxiety and what helps to reduce your anxiety (see my article: Journal Writing Can Reduce Stress and Anxiety).

• Identify Your Triggers: Along with keeping a journal, being able to identify your triggers can help you to deal with your anxiety (see my article: Coping With Triggers).

• Get Emotional Support: Instead of isolating, stay social and get emotional support from trusted friends, family and a significant other (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

When Self Help Isn't Enough

The suggestions above can help to reduce anxiety, but when you're experiencing persistent anxiety self help might not be enough.  

In my next article, I'll discuss how psychotherapy can help you to overcome anxiety (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

Getting Help in Therapy

Anxiety can reduce the quality of your life and overall sense of well-being.

If anxiety is a persistent problem, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting help in psychotherapy for your anxiety can improve the quality of life for you and for your loved ones who might be affected by your anxiety, so don't hesitate to seek help (see my article: Your Anxiety or Depression Could Be Having a Negative Impact on Your Loved Ones).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome persistent anxiety.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Help Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

In my prior article, What is Emotional Hijacking?, I defined the term as it relates to unresolved trauma, and I gave some examples.  In this article, I'm providing some self help tips on how to cope with emotional hijacking (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Past).

Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

As I mentioned in my prior article, an emotional hijack occurs when the part of the brain called the amygdala, which is an emotional processor, bypasses (or hijacks) your normal reasoning process.  

Although normally your decision making occurs in other parts of the brain, the amygdala takes over during certain circumstances (see my article: Trauma, Therapy and the Triune Brain).

When the amygdala reacts without the help of the logical part of your brain helping you to pause and process the situation first, you overreact without thinking.  Often this leads to situations which you regret afterwards when you've had time to process what happened to you.

Tips on How to Cope With Emotional Hijacking

• Pause: If you can recognize the cues that you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, pause for a moment to calm down and process what just happened.

• Count to 10: Whether you count to 10 or you need to count to 100, you'll distract yourself enough to temporarily move away from whatever emotions are overwhelming you so you can go back afterwards to think about it rationally.

• Breathe: Breath in a way where the exhalations are twice as long as the inhalations. So, if you breathe in to the count of 5, breathe out to the count of 10.  The exhalations activate your parasympathetic system to help to calm you.  You can also use Square Breathing.

• Name the Emotion: When you've had some time to pause and think about what's happening to you, name the emotion you're experiencing. This can help you to make sense of what's happening to you.

• Move: When you get up and move, the logical part of your brain will eventually come back online so you can think more clearly.  This can mean you go for a walk outside or just walk into another room.

• Write in Your Journal: Writing and reflecting on what caused you to react emotionally can help you to engage the logical part of your brain so you can reflect on what just happened to you (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

• Get Emotional Support: When you share your feelings with a partner or trusted family member or friend, you can relieve yourself of some of the emotional burden you're carrying and you can get another perspective about what's bothering you (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

In my next article, I'll discuss how processing unresolved trauma in therapy can help: See my article: How Experiential. Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Emotional Hijacking.

Getting Help in Therapy

If these self help tips don't work for you, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who can help you to overcome the unresolved trauma that causes you to get emotionally hijacked (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Tips For Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Uncertainty often creates anxiety, and this is especially true now as more people in the U.S. get COVID-19 vaccines and things are opening up again.  If you're feeling anxious as we move closer to "normalcy" (whatever that might be), you're not alone (see my articles: Living With Uncertainty and What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?)

Coping With Pandemic Reentry Anxiety

Tips For Coping With Reentry Anxiety

• Develop an Awareness About Your Anxiety: It might be hard to identify reentry anxiety because it often manifests in ways you might not immediately identify, especially since you might have experienced these same symptoms during the height of the pandemic:  
• poor sleep
• nightmares
• change in appetite
• weight gain/weight loss
• a sense of foreboding
• irritability
• headaches, neck and shoulder pain
• other health-related symptoms

• Accept Your Emotions:  Recognize that you're not alone.  Many people are experiencing anxiety about the possibility of returning to some form of their work and social routine. Rather than berating yourself for your response, accept it and look for ways to cope (see below). You might also be experiencing a combination of anxiety and excitement or you might alternate between the two.  Know that this is normal (see my article: Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems).

• Allow Yourself to Grieve:  There have been many losses involved with the COVID-19 pandemic, including:
• the loss of friends and family who died during the pandemic
• the loss of a job/income
• the loss of a sense of safety in the world you might have had before the pandemic (see my article: The 5 Stages of Grief Related to the Pandemic)

• Focus on What You Can Control: With so much uncertainty, you might find yourself worrying about many possibilities, but there are areas of your life where you do have some control:
• What do you need to do to feel safe to return to work and to social activities?
• How will you deal with friends and family members who refuse to get vaccinated? 
• Although there might be things that you can't control, there are many things you can control, including how you begin to reenter into social activities (see my below and my article: Preparing Yourself Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life)

• Reintroduce Activities Gradually: If you've spent most of your time at home, rather than trying to jump back into your former schedule quickly, try to get back into these activities gradually to give yourself a chance to adjust.  Rather than overcommitting yourself to social activities, try seeing one friend (or a small group of friends) at a time so you don't exhaust yourself.

• Think About What You're Looking Forward to in the Future: When you're ready to think about the future, make a list of the things you want to do.  This can help you to shift your perspective from worry to having things to look forward to (see my article: Feeling Alive Again After a Period of Stagnation and Happiness and Your Future Self).

• Use Self Soothing Techniques: Whether you meditate, exercise, go for walks, do yoga or breathing exercises, it's important to use self soothing techniques to calm yourself (see my articles: Self. Soothing With Butterfly Tapping, Developing Your Inner Sense of Feeling Grounded and Calm and Learning to Do Square Breathing).

• Get Help If Your Anxiety is Overwhelming You: Although reentry anxiety is normal, if your anxiety is having a negative impact on your personal relationships, work life or other areas of your life, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to understand your reactions and develop better coping skills.  This would be especially helpful if your current anxiety is triggering unresolved trauma from the past (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

Generally, men and women are different when it comes to sexual arousal. Foreplay is an important part of sex, especially for women.  Unlike most men, who become sexually aroused easily, with certain exceptions, most women take longer to get aroused. So, men need to take their time and focus on women first if they want to have a mutually satisfying sex life (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

A Woman's Body is More Complicated Than a Man's Body: The Orgasm Gap

One of the biggest complaints that women who come for couples counseling have is that their partners don't take the time to please them during sex.  

Most men can have an erection on command.  According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average man can have an orgasm in as little as 5 minutes, but the average woman it can take 17 minutes to reach orgasm.

Given the orgasm gap, if the average man skips foreplay during sex, their partners will be just starting to warm up when he has his orgasm, which would make sex frustrating and not as enjoyable for the woman.  

Sex Tips For Men

• Number 1 Tip: Ladies First: If you want to have sex that's satisfying for both of you, focus your attention on the woman: Ladies first--before thinking about your own sexual gratification.  Don't be selfish (see tips below).

• Every Woman is Different: Get to know what she likes before you have sex with her. Don't make assumptions.  If she's open to having sex with you and you know you have consent, ask her what she likes.  Ask her to share her sexual fantasies with you and share your fantasies with her. 

• Be Clean and Well Groomed: There are few things that are more of a sexual turn off for a woman than being with a man who hasn't taken the time to get clean and well groomed.  

• Foreplay Can Start Before You Get Into the Bedroom: Foreplay can start before you even see her. If the two of you have been apart most of the day, assuming this isn't a hook up with someone you've just met, let her know that you're thinking about her.  

• Create an Environment for Enjoyable Sex: Rather than just "jumping right in," create the right environment for good sex.  Before you invite her into your bedroom, take the time to tidy up.  If the room is a mess, you might be able to ignore it, but it might be distracting for her, and you don't want distractions while the two of you are having sex. No distractions also means you turn off and put away your phone, turn off the TV and close your computer.  Clean sheets, low lights and music are conducive to relaxing and having good sex and will help to create the mood. 

• Sexual Pleasure Begins in the Brain: The brain knows two types of sexual pleasure: Anticipation and consummation. During anticipatory pleasure, pleasure builds up in anticipation of the sexual pleasure (this is also true for other forms of pleasure, like the anticipation of eating a delicious meal). During consummatory pleasure, you feel pleasure of getting what you've been craving. To have more satisfying sex, you want to build the anticipation as much a possible.  Usually, more the sexual tension builds up, the more pleasurable the orgasm will be.

• Take Your Time When You Get Undressed: When you're in the mood for sex, your first inclination might be to rip off your clothes and jump into bed.  But this is rarely sexually arousing for women. It makes you look sexually inexperienced and as if you don't care about her sexual needs. So, instead of rushing to take off your clothes, take your time.  You don't have to do a striptease for her (although this could be powerfully arousing).  Just slow down as you take off each article of clothing so the sexual tension builds up for her.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For Clitoris Before She's Sexually Aroused: Every woman is going to be different.  The clitoris is amazing, but most women need to be kissed and caressed first before you dive right for the clitoris.  The clitoris is also easy to find even for sexually inexperienced men. The inner labia (the lips) form a hood over the clitoris, which protects the clitoris from direct stimulation. For most women, the clitoris is a small bud that protrudes outward slightly.  Compared to the penis glans, the tip of the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings--15,000, so it's highly sensitive to touch and sexual arousal. As a result, the clitoris is crucial for sexual orgasm for most women.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For the G-spot Before She's Sexually Aroused: The G-spot, which was named after a German gynecologist, Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, is a little harder to find than the clitoris because it's inside the vagina. It's a slightly bumpy spot about 2 inches inside the vagina.  Even though the G-spot has been studied since the 1940s, there's still a disagreement as to whether it's a continuation of the clitoris or not. Even some women might be unfamiliar as to exactly where their G-spot begins, but the two of you can have fun with locating it during foreplay.  After she has warmed up to sex, then you can stimulate her clitoris and G-spot.  Assuming she likes this, it can be immensely pleasurable for her.

• Learn to Delay Your Orgasm: As previously mentioned, there is an orgasm gap between most women and men. So, to have more satisfying sex, learn to delay your orgasm (read about and learn the Squeeze Technique and the Stop and Start Technique).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner: Take your time and be respectful of your partner. Be aware that many women have body issues due to emotional trauma and pressures that society puts on them to look and be a certain way.  Some women also experience "slut shaming" or get called "'hoes" because they enjoy sex.  Communicate and find out what's going on with your partner both before and after sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems is one of the major problems that people talk about in couples therapy.  

In relationships where one partner isn't willing to go for couples therapy, individuals often come to therapy on their own to cope with the problem.

If you and your partner are having problems with your sex life, you can benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

10 Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning With a Sense of Well-Being

Starting your morning with healthy self care routines can improve your overall perspective and sense of well-being for the rest of the day (see my article: Overcoming the Morning Blues).

Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning With a Sense of Well-Being

10 Self Care Tips to Start Your Morning

Depending upon how much time you have in the morning, here are 10 ways to improve your overall mental health throughout the day:

1. Prepare the Night Before: Rather than waking up and rushing around to figure out what you're wearing and what you need for the day, prepare everything the night before. This would include: laying out your clothes, gathering any work items that you'll need to take with you, having your MetroCard ready, making sure you have enough cash, having your keys handy, etc.
2. Wake Up Feeling Rested: One of the keys to having a sense of well-being is having a good night's sleep (see my article:  Tips For Getting Better Sleep).
3. Let the Sunshine In: Getting 5-10 minutes of sunlight in the morning can help to clear away grogginess and to wake you up feeling ready for the day. So, open your curtains and let the sunshine in. If you wake up before the sun comes up, turn on a lamp or consider getting a light therapy lamp (see my article: Coping With Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
4. Hydrate: Drinking water in the morning not only quenches your thirst, it can also help you to clear up cognitive confusion related to dehydration. If you don't especially like drinking water, you can add some lemon or lime to give it flavor.
5. Avoid Technology: Reaching for your phone or computer as one of the first activities of the day can become compulsive. It's easy to get lost on social media or responding to texts and emails rather than taking care of yourself. So, unless it's absolutely necessary, refrain from using technology as part of your morning routine.
6. Start the Day With an Intention: Starting your day with a healthy intention can help to improve your mood and overall perspective (see my article:  The Power of Starting Your Day With An Intention).
7. Eat a Nutritious Meal: A healthy breakfast can help you to feel more energized during the rest of the day. You'll also be less likely to eat unhealthy foods, like donuts or junk food during the day because you'll already be full.
8. Get Physical: Whether you go out for a morning walk, jog or do other cardio and/or core exercises in the morning, getting physical in the morning can help to boost your endorphins, which will give a boost to your mood. In addition, it can help to tone your body and reduce weight.
9. Meditate: Spending 5-10 minutes meditating in the morning can help to calm your mind and body (see my article: The Safe Place Meditation).
10. Be Grateful: Being mindful of the people and things in your life to feel grateful for is a great way to start the day. Rather than focusing on all the negative things in your life and in the world in general, practice gratitude (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

Getting Help in Therapy

There might be times in your life when you engage in self care routines and yet you wake up feeling anxious, depressed or have a sense that your life lacks meaning or purpose.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who can help you to overcome your problems.  

While therapists are out of their offices due to the COVID-19 pandemic, they are practicing therapy using teletherapy, which is a convenient and effective way to provide psychotherapy services (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

Help is just a phone call away, so rather than struggling on your own, take the first step to getting help by calling a licensed mental health practitioner in your area.  

When you work through your problems with an experienced therapist, you can improve your mood and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing teletherapy services during the current pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips For Overcoming Your Fear of Asking for Help

In the prior blog articles, I discussed why people are often afraid to ask for help and the consequences of either procrastinating with asking for help or not asking for help at all.  In this blog article, I'd like to offer some tips on overcoming your fear of asking for help.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

As I've mentioned before, shame is a major issue for people who are afraid to ask for help.  Usually, the shame originates from early childhood issues.  

Unfortunately, many children are made to feel ashamed when they ask their parents for help.  This is often unintentional on the parents' part.  The parents might feel overwhelmed or there might be many other reasons why they respond in a way that makes their children feel ashamed.  But the result is that the children grow up to feel ashamed and not entitled to ask for help.

Tips for Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Change isn't always easy, but you can try these simple tips to try to overcome your fear of asking for help.

• Recognize that Loved Ones Often Want to Help You: Your loved ones usually feel better if they can contribute to your well-being in some way.  By allowing others to help you, you allow the barriers between you to start coming down.  Rather than seeming aloof, you seem more approachable to your loved ones.

• Develop an Awareness of Distortions in Your Thinking: You might fear that others will try to manipulate and control you if you allow them to help you, but it's important to step back and really reflect on your thinking.  While this might be true for some people, in my opinion, it's not true for most people.  The important thing in trying to decide whom you can trust is developing good judgment with regard to the people you choose to help you.  Similarly, if you feel like you're going to burden others by asking for help, think about the times when others have asked you for help. Assuming you were able to help, didn't it make you feel good to help someone close to you?  Why would you think that a loved one wouldn't feel the same way towards you.

• Develop Reciprocal Relationships That Involve a Healthy Give and Take: Ultimately, one-sided relationships don't work.  If you're the only one doing the giving and the other person is doing all the taking, it's not going to work.  Healthy relationships involve both give and take on both sides.

• Start Small, If You Can: If it's possible, start by asking for help with a problem that's manageable rather than a big problem. Learning to accept help with smaller issues can help you to develop greater ease to ask for help with larger issues.

• Don't Procrastinate:  Ask For Help Before the Problem Gets Too Big:  Problems are often easier to solve before they become too big.  By the same token, it's usually easier to ask for help with a problem before it mushrooms into a much larger issue.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional
For many people, the fear of asking for help is so ingrained that the tips I've provided above aren't helpful.  They just can't get over their fear.  When fear and shame are so overwhelming that you can't overcome them on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, especially if fear of asking for help has been a lifelong issue.

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I've found that clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are often helpful to deal with the underlying trauma that is part of this fear and shame to ask for help.  While there are no quick fixes for trauma, I have found that both of these treatment modalities can be effective.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I've worked with many psychotherapy clients to help them overcome trauma so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Care For Caregivers - Part 3: Tips For Self Care

In my two prior blog articles, I introduced the topic of self care for caregivers as well as common emotional reactions that caregivers have (see links below for these articles).  In this blog article, I'll focus on tips for self care (see my articles: Self Care For Caregivers - Part 1 and Self Care For Caregivers - Part 2 - Caregivers' Common Emotional Reactions).

Self Care Tips For Caregivers

Self Compassion
Having compassion for yourself as a caretaker is very important.  It's important to be aware that you're going through a difficult time.  Many caregivers either override their emotional reactions or they try to push themselves harder, often leading to chronic stress or burnout.

Chronic stress can lead to many other medical and psychological problems, including heart problems, migraines, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, depression and anxiety.

If a close friend or loved one was going through a similar situation, you would have compassion for him or her, so why not for yourself?

If you allow for self compassion, in my opinion, you're more likely to take care of yourself, so here are some tips that can be useful.

Ask for Help
This is a time when it's important to have a good support network.  Whether you ask for help from family members or friends, don't be ashamed to admit that you can't do everything.  Admit that you're human and, as humans, we all have certain limitations.  Others might want to help, but they might not know what you need, so you need to communicate clearly and specifically what you need.

Aside from loved ones, you might also ask for help from your local church or organizations that are set up to provide respite care.  For instance, the Alzheimer's Association in certain areas provides respite care that can make all the difference in the world.

At the same time, be aware that some people might not be able to help due to the circumstances in their own lives.

Stay Healthy
Taking care of a loved one can make you feel exhausted, stressed and emotionally and physically depleted.  It's important to eat healthy meals, get enough sleep, engage in physical exercise that's right for you, and to have regular medical checkups for yourself for preventive healthcare.

Participate in Support Groups (if you can)
If you're fortunate enough to have support groups in your area, you could benefit from the mutual support available in such a group.  Many organizations, like the Alzheimer's Association and Cancer Care, have support groups.  If you don't have support groups in your area that meet in person, you might be able to find a support group that meets online.  Just knowing and hearing about other caregivers who are having similar experiences can help you to cope better with your situation.

Write in a Journal
Journaling about your feelings when you're going through a difficult time, can help you to release pent up emotions.

Self Care Tips For Caregivers: Write in a Journal

Journaling can also help you to clarify your thoughts and emotions.  You might even discover, as you journal, that there are some bright spots in your experience that you might overlook if you don't take the time to reflect and write about your experiences.  In addition, you might also capture in writing certain poignant moments with your loved one that you can treasure in the future.

Get Help in Therapy
When you attend therapy with a skilled therapist, your session is completely focused on you.  This is so important in terms of your self care when you're a caregiver and your time and energy are mostly focused on someone else.  By participating in therapy, not only can you learn how to cope better as a caregiver, but you can get the emotional support that you need.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I provide therapy to individual adults and couples in an empathetic and supportive environment.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Home for the Holidays

Being with family for the holidays can be challenging for many people. We see images of happy families in ads, TV programs, and movies, which can leave us feeling that something is wrong with us or our families if our family doesn't measure up to these happy images. However, the holidays can be very stressful, especially if we have unrealistic expectations of our families or ourselves.

Home for the Holidays

Rather than putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and your family, here are a few tips to help you during these holiday get togethers:

• Try to keep the day light. Steer clear of topics that might be contentious or that could create tension. This is not the time to debate politics if you know the discussion will become heated.

• Try to have reasonable expectations of friends and family. If Uncle Bob tends to be grouchy at family gatherings, there's no reason to expect that his personality will change this year.

• Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol tends to amplify emotions and if you drink excessively, you might find yourself saying and doing things at the family gathering that you might regret.

• Don't take the bait if a relative becomes difficult. Try not to personalize his or her behavior.

• Plan in advance.  If you know in advance that a family gathering will be difficult, "book end" the visit by planning in advance to talk to a trusted friend or loved one before and after the visit so you feel supported.

• Do keep in mind the meaning of the holiday. So, for instance, Thanksgiving is a day to acknowledge all that we have to be grateful for.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.