Tips For Overcoming Your Fear of Asking for Help

In the prior blog articles, I discussed why people are often afraid to ask for help and the consequences of either procrastinating with asking for help or not asking for help at all.  In this blog article, I'd like to offer some tips on overcoming your fear of asking for help.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

As I've mentioned before, shame is a major issue for people who are afraid to ask for help.  Usually, the shame originates from early childhood issues.  

Unfortunately, many children are made to feel ashamed when they ask their parents for help.  This is often unintentional on the parents' part.  The parents might feel overwhelmed or there might be many other reasons why they respond in a way that makes their children feel ashamed.  But the result is that the children grow up to feel ashamed and not entitled to ask for help.

Tips for Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Change isn't always easy, but you can try these simple tips to try to overcome your fear of asking for help.

• Recognize that Loved Ones Often Want to Help You: Your loved ones usually feel better if they can contribute to your well-being in some way.  By allowing others to help you, you allow the barriers between you to start coming down.  Rather than seeming aloof, you seem more approachable to your loved ones.

• Develop an Awareness of Distortions in Your Thinking: You might fear that others will try to manipulate and control you if you allow them to help you, but it's important to step back and really reflect on your thinking.  While this might be true for some people, in my opinion, it's not true for most people.  The important thing in trying to decide whom you can trust is developing good judgment with regard to the people you choose to help you.  Similarly, if you feel like you're going to burden others by asking for help, think about the times when others have asked you for help. Assuming you were able to help, didn't it make you feel good to help someone close to you?  Why would you think that a loved one wouldn't feel the same way towards you.

• Develop Reciprocal Relationships That Involve a Healthy Give and Take: Ultimately, one-sided relationships don't work.  If you're the only one doing the giving and the other person is doing all the taking, it's not going to work.  Healthy relationships involve both give and take on both sides.

• Start Small, If You Can: If it's possible, start by asking for help with a problem that's manageable rather than a big problem. Learning to accept help with smaller issues can help you to develop greater ease to ask for help with larger issues.

• Don't Procrastinate:  Ask For Help Before the Problem Gets Too Big:  Problems are often easier to solve before they become too big.  By the same token, it's usually easier to ask for help with a problem before it mushrooms into a much larger issue.

Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional
For many people, the fear of asking for help is so ingrained that the tips I've provided above aren't helpful.  They just can't get over their fear.  When fear and shame are so overwhelming that you can't overcome them on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, especially if fear of asking for help has been a lifelong issue.

In my experience as a psychotherapist, I've found that clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are often helpful to deal with the underlying trauma that is part of this fear and shame to ask for help.  While there are no quick fixes for trauma, I have found that both of these treatment modalities can be effective.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I've worked with many psychotherapy clients to help them overcome trauma so they can lead fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

In a prior blog article,  Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help: Part 1, I focused on why people often have fears about asking for help.  In today's article, I will discuss the consequences of giving into that fear and not asking for help.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Just as the reasons why people fear asking for help are many and varied, so are the consequences of not asking for help, so it won't be possible to consider every possible consequence.  But we'll look at some of the most common ones.

Procrastination
When people are afraid to ask for help, one of the things that they often do is procrastinate for as long as possible.  They might know that, eventually, they'll need to ask for help, but they will delay as long as possible.  Often, they'll bargain with themselves by telling themselves, "I'll do it tomorrow," and then tomorrow becomes the next day and the next.  This often leads to other consequences, including:

     A Situation Can Go From Bad to Worse
When people procrastinate because they're too afraid to ask for help, a situation often goes from bad to worse.  An example of this at the workplace might be that an employee feels too overwhelmed to complete a project with a deadline.  She doesn't want her boss to think she's incompetent so she keeps trying harder to complete the project, but she really knows she can't complete it in time.  Unable to overcome her fear and shame, she waits until a few days before the deadline to let her boss know that she won't be able to do it on time.

There can be worse situations that involve health issues that go from being a chronic issue to an emergency.  Or, when people are afraid to ask loved ones for financial help, assuming that their loved ones have the financial wherewithal to help, it could result in an eviction, poor credit and other similar consequences.

     A Greater Cost With Regard to Time, Money and Effort
Continuing with the same workplace example from above, at that point, this employee's boss tells her that if he had known sooner, he could have shifted other employees from less urgent projects to this one without too much of a problem.

 But because he's only hearing about it a few days before the deadline, he will have to tell these other employees that they must work overtime to get the job done.  This extra effort at the Eleventh Hour will not only inconvenience others, but it will cost the company more in terms of time, money, and effort.

     Lost Opportunities
Giving in to a fear of asking for help can result in lost opportunities.  There can be many examples of this.

The one that comes immediately to mind is one I've mentioned before in another blog article involving a student I met when I was beginning my undergraduate degree.  We were both registering for classes (at that time, you had to do this in person because there was no Internet).

This student, who was about 10 years older than me, mentioned to me that she waited 10 years to go to college, saving all of her money.  She didn't spend money on going out or buying new clothes.  She saved all of her money over the years for tuition.   She had such a fear of asking for help that she never found out, until she registered, that she was entitled to financial aid.  Instead, she put her life on hold for 10 years and made this unnecessary sacrifice because of her fear of asking for help.

A Lack of Balance and Reciprocity in Your Relationships
Reciprocity is an important element in friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships.  In situations where you feel comfortable helping, but you're uncomfortable asking for help for yourself, most of the time, your loved ones become uncomfortable coming back to you for help.

This type of situation can create a lack of balance and reciprocity in your relationships.

I'm sure you can think of many other examples or you know of other situations either from your own personal experience or from people that you know.

Getting Help in Therapy
The point is that a fear of asking for help can have serious consequences for you and others, and overcoming this fear can be a freeing experience.  I'll focus on how to overcome this fear in the next blog post.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and  Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Also see:  Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help - Part 3: Some Tips.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help - Part 1

Do you have problems asking for help?  Feeling comfortable asking for help doesn't come naturally for many people.  If you have problems asking for help, you're not alone.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Whether it's asking for help at home or at work, asking for help from family, friends or colleagues is often daunting for many people for a variety of reasons.  Shame is often a big factor.

Since this is a big topic for a blog, I'm going to deal with this issue in a few blog articles.  In this article, I'll discuss some common reasons why people often have problems asking for help.  In future blog articles about this topic, I will explore the consequences of being too fearful to ask for help and how to overcome this problem.

Common Reasons Why People Have Problems Asking For Help:

Fear of Appearing "Weak"
It's interesting that many people, who wouldn't hesitate for a second to help others, often feel that if they have to ask for help themselves that it's a sign of "weakness."

They don't feel this way about other people who ask them for help. But when something happens and they need help, they feel too ashamed to ask. They fear that others will judge them as being "weak" and "needy" if they need help.  

Fear of Loss of Control and Independence
Many people fear that if they have to rely on others to help them, they'll lose control over whatever the situation might be because the person who is helping them will take over.  Often, this has its roots in their childhood history where adults really did take over at that time without allowing the children to have any sense of control or independence.

As a society in the US, we idealize the qualities of independence and self reliance.  People who are able to overcome difficulties on their own by "pulling themselves up by their boot straps" are given high praise.  We glorify people who perform heroic acts, whether this occurs in the news, a movie, or a story in a book.  Because of this, many people feel they should be independent and self reliant all of the time.  They feel they should be able to cope with whatever life throws in their way, no matter what it is.

Fear of Looking Foolish or Stupid
No one wants to look bad.  People who are afraid of asking for help assume that others will see them as foolish or stupid for not being able to handle whatever situation they're dealing with on their own.

People who fear looking foolish or stupid don't want to lose face in front of friends, family or colleagues.  Once again, shame is a big part of the problem.  This can be made even more difficult in a work situation where colleagues are very competitive.

Fear of Being Disappointed Again
For people where there's a childhood history of neglect or abuse, they've learned at an early age that if they ask for help, they will be disappointed.  They've learned that people aren't reliable and it's better not to ask for help.

This could be exacerbated when these same people, as adults, unconsciously choose friends or romantic partners who are irresponsible or unreliable.   Without realizing it, they're often repeating a pattern from childhood by continuing to choose people who will disappointment them.  Then, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy again and again, confirming their belief that they shouldn't ask others for help.

Fear of Being a Burden to Others
Many psychotherapy clients have mentioned this fear, even when they have a large support network among family and friends who are more than willing to help them.  They automatically assume that people will feel burdened by a request for help.  So, rather than feeling like they're burdening others, they keep their need for help to themselves.

One of the underlying issues in this case is that, at the core, these people often don't feel "good enough" or lovable and, because of this, they don't feel entitled to ask for help.

Fear of Being Vulnerable or Being Duped In Some Way
People who have trust issues (often due to their early history) might fear that they will be duped in some way by people who say they will help them, but who have alternative motives.  They fear they will be taken advantage of by the person who is supposed to be helping them.  How much any one person feels this is a matter of degree ranging from a mild concern to bordering on paranoia.  This is similar to fear of being disappointed.

Fear of Being Assertive
Shyness or a feeling of awkwardness can stop someone from asking for help.  For these people,  it takes a lot of courage to admit that they need help, no matter what type of help it might be.  In many cases, these people also just don't know how to ask for help.  They've never learned how to do it.

Fear of What Will Be Asked In Return
For other people, asking for help automatically means that they'll be indebted to others and it will shift the power dynamic in their relationships.  They automatically assume that asking for help will come with an emotional "price tag" that they might not be able to pay.

Assumptions That Others Should Know That You Need Help Without Being Asked
Many people, who are either too ashamed to ask or feel they aren't deserving of help, rationalize not asking for help by saying that they feel others should already know that they need help without being asked directly.  They feel it should be obvious.

The problem is that, even when it seems obvious to you, other people, for a variety of reasons, often don't recognize it.  They might be completely willing to help if they're asked, but they either don't know or they're afraid to intrude on your situation or there could be so many other reasons why they don't volunteer their help, even though they'd be willing if asked.

When you shift the responsibility onto others because you think they should already know without your having to ask, you're not taking responsibility for what you need.  Once again, there is often a lot of shame underlying this mindset, but the blame gets shifted in a defensive manner onto others.

Getting Help in Therapy
I recognize that one of the most difficult challenges for many people is calling a therapist to ask for help.  People have many misconceptions about what it means to come to therapy, including that a person has to be "crazy" to go to therapy.  Of course, this couldn't be further from the truth.  Furthermore, therapists who go into private practice do so because they want to help people.

If you're considering attending therapy, it's often easier to ask for a consultation first.

When I receive calls from potential clients, I consider the first session to be a consultation where both the client and I see whether we are a good client-therapist match.

I will continue this discussion in future blog posts.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of asking for help.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.