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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken

In a prior article, I discussed the concept of self compassion (see my article: Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance).  In this article, I would like to expand on this topic and explore why self compassion is so important.

Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken

As I mentioned in the prior article, many psychotherapy clients come to therapy being harsh and punitive with themselves.  This harsh sense of self usually develops at an early age due to traumatic childhood experiences and, without therapy, continues into adulthood.

If this harsh sense of self goes unaddressed by the psychotherapist, it will become an obstacle in the therapeutic work.  This is due to the fact that a harsh sense of self often comes with a negative belief  of "I don't deserve to feel better."

If this negative belief of not deserving to feel better goes undetected and unresolved in therapy, it will undermine the client's and therapist's work together.

Even though, initially, clients might be unaware of feeling undeserving of compassion, if a therapist explores this possibility with clients, most clients, who have this unconscious negative belief, are able to identify it.

Identifying a negative belief about oneself is only the first step, but it's an important step.

Certain forms of experiential therapy, like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy, ask the client for the negative belief with regard to the presenting problem.  Discussing the negative belief about oneself is an essential part of the therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs and Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

However, if the negative belief about oneself remains unconscious, the therapist needs to use therapeutic techniques to get to this unconscious level because just asking some clients won't be enough.  This is because talking about the negative belief is addressing to the client's prefrontal cortex, which is the logical part of the brain.  But trauma "lives" deeper in the brain in the limbic system of the emotional part of the brain, so the therapist needs a method of getting to this unconscious level if the client is unable to access it through a discussion.

In those instances, the therapist needs to use a form of experiential therapy to get to a deeper level.  The Affect Bridge is one technique to get to this deeper unconscious level (for an explanation of the Affect Bridge and how it works, see my article: Bridging Back to Heal Old Emotional Wounds).

The next step is working directly with this negative belief and its associated emotions.  In doing so, the therapist provides the client with the psychoeducation that the negative belief/emotions are just one part of him or herself--not the whole self (see my article: Understanding the Different Aspects of Yourself That Make You Who You Are and Parts Work in Therapy).

It's usually a relief to clients to realize that this problem is only one aspect of themselves and that they continue to have access to the healthier parts of the self to do the therapeutic work.

Once the negative belief/emotions have been worked through in therapy, the client usually has a greater capacity for self compassion, which contributes to the healing experience and the working through of the trauma.

Conclusion
A lack of self compassion is usually indicative of early unresolved childhood trauma.

The child internalizes the negative beliefs/emotions that his or her caregiver imparts--whether this is done consciously or unconsciously.

Unless the child receives therapy to overcome the trauma, these negative beliefs/emotions will follow him or her into adulthood and have a significant negative impact on self perception as well as interpersonal relationships throughout life.

When negative beliefs/emotions present themselves as an obstacle in adult trauma therapy, the trauma therapist must have the necessary therapeutic tools and techniques to identify and work through them.

Whereas experiential therapy, like EMDR therapy, gets to the deeper part of the brain, the limbic system where the trauma "lives," talk therapy usually does not get to this level.  Even though talk therapy can provide intellectual insight into unresolved trauma, it often doesn't result in healing or change on an emotional level.

When the client is able to develop self compassion, this becomes part of the healing and working through of the trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Unresolved psychological trauma is very difficult, if not impossible, to resolve on your own.

To overcome traumatic experiences and develop self compassion, you need the help of an experienced trauma therapist.

Once you have worked through the trauma, you can free yourself of your traumatic history and lead a more fulfilling life

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.





Thursday, September 12, 2019

Are You Thinking About Canceling Your Therapy Session Because You're Having a Good Day?

In a prior article, I discussed scenarios where clients left therapy prematurely before they completed their work in therapy (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).  In this article, I'm focusing on clients who think about canceling their therapy session when they're having a good day.

Are You Thinking About Canceling Your Therapy Session Because You're Having a Good Day? 

You might wonder why it would be a problem to cancel your therapy session when you're feeling good, and this is a legitimate question, especially for people who are new to therapy.

The following factors will help you to develop a deeper, more comprehensive perspective about therapy, which goes beyond being in crisis, and why canceling when you're feeling good might not be a good idea:
  • Many people only seek help in therapy when they're in an emotional crisis.  Once the crisis is over, they leave therapy.  But even though you might not be in an emotional crisis anymore, if you have only focused on the latest crisis, you've only touched the surface of the problem.  Beyond developing insight into the problem, you need time and help to integrate and consolidate what you've learned about yourself and the situation.  You also need assistance to maintain new healthy coping strategies that you just learned in therapy.  If not, you're likely to find yourself in a similar (if not exact) emotional crisis again soon.  The people, places and particular circumstances might be a little different with the new crisis, but the underlying issues, which haven't been resolved, are probably the same (see my article: Remaining in Therapy Beyond the Immediate Crisis).
  • When you consider canceling a session, you might be avoiding issues in therapy that are emerging and that are frightening to you.  Rather than avoiding these issues, speak to your therapist about it.  A discussion with your therapist could help you to understand what's frightening you.  It will also help your therapist to understand that you might not be ready to tackle these issues head on but, instead, you might need some preparation and the development of additional coping skills to be able to, eventually, work through the issues that are frightening you.  If your therapist is a trauma therapist, she can help you to break down the work into manageable pieces so that you're not delving too deep into the worst aspects of the problem before you're ready.
  • Having a "good day" is often a welcomed relief, especially if you've had many emotionally challenging days before that.  However, one "good day" doesn't mean that your problems are all worked out, and "feeling good" isn't a good measurement by itself of your progress in therapy.  Change often comes by taking two steps forward and one step back, so a "good day" or two is often followed by a setback.
If you think you have worked through the problem that brought you into therapy, discuss this with your therapist rather than just leaving without telling her (see my article: Why Ghosting Your Therapist is Harmful to You).

Of course, the decision to stay or go is up to you, but your therapist can shed light on the process and help you to terminate therapy in a way that's healthy and helpful to you.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people have outdated views of the therapy process (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're Weak and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time).

Although there are certain people who enjoy coming to therapy, learning about themselves and having a time and place that's dedicated just to them to talk about what's going on in their lives, some people come to deal with a specific issue.  They might want to remove obstacles that are getting in the way of making changes, develop insight into certain emotional patterns or deal with an unresolved trauma that is affecting them now.

Psychotherapy has evolved over the last decade, and there are now experiential therapy modalities, like EMDR therapy, AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), Somatic Experiencing, clinical hypnosis and other experiential therapies that tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy.

If you're unfamiliar with these newer experiential therapies, feel free to browse the articles in my blog that discuss how and why these types of therapy are more effective (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Rather than waiting until a problem develops into an emotional crisis, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Once you have worked through your problems, you will have freed yourself from your history, and you will be free to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused (EFT) therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.









Thursday, August 15, 2019

What's the Difference Between Healthy Anger and Unhealthy Anger?

Anger often gets a bad rap because people consider anger to be "bad" or "unhealthy."  While it's true that there are instances when out of control anger can be expressed in an unhealthy or maladaptive way that's destructive and hurtful, a healthy sense of anger can be adaptive in terms of it mobilizing you to defend yourself or to make positive changes in your life (see my article: Using Your Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes).

What's the Difference Between Healthy Anger and Unhealthy Anger?

Anger can also act as an internal cue as to what's going on for you emotionally below the surface because anger is often a secondary emotion that covers up sadness, shame or emotional vulnerability (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).

Healthy Anger vs. Unhealthy Anger
Unhealthy anger is often unregulated and used to intimidate or dominate others.  It can be triggered easily or can be chronic.  It's usually destructive to the self, others or both.  It's also often verbally or physically aggressive.

Healthy anger can be triggered easily in some instances, but the difference between healthy anger and unhealthy anger is your behavior.  For instance, if another driver cuts you off on the highway, you might feel a flash of anger, but what you do next with that anger will determine if it's healthy or unhealthy.

If you pursue the other driver aggressively, curse at him or give him "the finger," this is out of control, unhealthy anger.  But if you're able to calm yourself and eventually brush it off or reframe the incident for yourself (e.g., maybe the other driver had a sick passenger and needed to get to the hospital quickly), this is a more adaptive way of coping with your anger.

When you can use anger to make positive changes in yourself, this is adaptive.  On the other hand, if you're consistently angry and blaming other people for things you don't like in your life and you're not making an effort to take positive action, this is maladaptive.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Healthy Anger vs. Unhealthy Anger
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a person can learn to change his mode of behavior in therapy from using anger in an unhealthy way to a more healthy and productive way of coping and behaving:

Joe
After his wife gave him an ultimatum that he either seek help in therapy or she would leave him, Joe went to see a psychotherapist recommended by a friend.

During the initial consultation with the therapist, Joe focused on his wife's complaints about his anger.  He said he didn't see a problem with his behavior, but his wife had been telling him for years that she didn't like his temper, and after a recent incident of "road rage" in which she felt Joe placed their lives in danger based on his reaction to the other driver, she gave him the ultimatum.

The therapist noted to herself during the initial part of the consultation that Joe took no ownership of his behavior in the "road rage" situation, so she asked him to reflect upon it.

What's the Difference Between Healthy Anger and Unhealthy Anger?

Joe responded that he hadn't really thought about it before, but he said he could see where his wife had some concerns.  At the same time, he showed his ambivalence about his behavior because he tried to justify it by saying he thought "anyone in my shoes would have been angry."

As Joe recounted other incidents where he lost his temper with his wife, his adult children, his friends and his subordinates at work, a pattern emerged of sudden outbursts of anger.

When the therapist asked Joe about the consequences of his behavior, Joe thought about it for a while, and then he admitted, "My anger has created problems in my relationships--both personal and professional, which surprises me, because anyone who knows me well knows that I don't really mean the things that I say in the heat of anger."

As they continued to talk about the consequences of his anger, Joe became sullen, "My sons aren't as close to me as they used to be.  They're close to my wife, but they seem to avoid me because of my outbursts of anger.  At my company, a few managers who worked under me left because I lost my temper with them.  These were people that I hired, groomed and I hoped to continue to groom for higher positions in my company, so it was a terrible loss.  And now my wife is fed up with me.  So, as I think about it, I guess she's right."

His therapist saw his acknowledgement of his problem to be a healthy sign.  They agreed to meet once a week for therapy sessions to get to the root of the problem and to help Joe to learn healthier ways of coping with and expressing his anger.

During their weekly sessions, Joe talked about his father's temper tantrums and his perfectionism, which he imposed on Joe.  Joe said he tried to be "perfect" for his father because he knew his father expected nothing less.  But, inevitably, he made mistakes and felt very ashamed because he knew he was letting his father down.  Although his father was tough, his mother was easygoing, but she was also intimidated by Joe's father, so she didn't stand up to him when he lost his temper with Joe and criticized him.

His therapist helped Joe to see that, as a child, he was traumatized by his father's anger and unrealistic expectations.  She explained that most children would have reacted the same way that he did, but the way he learned to cope as a child was no longer serving him because he was imposing his perfectionism on others, he was reacting in much the same way as his father did, and he was ruining his relationships (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Gradually, Joe realized that when things happened that he couldn't control--whether it was a mistake that one of his sons made, a problem with a subordinate or a problem driver on the road--Joe felt "out of control," which he identified as one of the worst feelings he could experience.  Feeling out of control frightened him, and he realized that underneath the anger, there was fear.

His therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to process his childhood traumatic memories of feeling ashamed for disappointing his father and the ongoing fear he had as a child of losing his father's love (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Over time, Joe realized that the current situations that caused him to lose his temper triggered his earlier fear, sadness, and shame, so he and his therapist processed the current and past memories as well as his fears for the future.

The work in EMDR therapy, although faster and more effective than regular talk therapy, wasn't quick.  However, after several months, Joe could recall his childhood memories without feeling the negative feelings he usually experienced.

Through his work in therapy, Joe had a lot of compassion for the traumatized child that he had been (see my article: Having Compassion For the Child That You Were).

He realized that his father had grown up with a father who was also a perfectionist, and Joe developed compassion and a sense of forgiveness for his father (see my article: Trying to Understand Your Father).

In addition, as he progressed in therapy, Joe also realized that he was no longer overreacting with inappropriate anger to current situations, and his relationships with his wife, sons, friends and employees were improving.

Conclusion
Unhealthy anger often hides shame, sadness and other related emotions from the past, and it's often related to unresolved trauma.

It's not unusual for there to be a history of unhealthy anger in a client's family of origin due to intergenerational trauma (see my article: Intergenerational Family Dynamics).

Trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, helps to process unresolved trauma and related emotional triggers (see my article: Coping With Trauma and Trauma-Related Triggers).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been struggling with anger and this article resonates with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Resolving the underlying issues that contribute to your angry behavior and learning new ways of coping can help you to have better relationships and a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and Emotionally Focused (EFT) therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.














Tuesday, July 2, 2019

Relationships: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup

Anyone who has ever gone through a breakup knows that it's hard and that, in most cases, it's a process.  That will mean different things to different couples.  For some couples it might mean that they go back and forth, breaking up and getting back together several times before they completely end it. Other couples might try to change their relationship from being monogamous to opening up the relationship so they can each see other people.  Some couples might want to transition from being lovers to being friends (see my articles: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a BreakupBeing Honest About Your Relationship: Are You Really "Taking Time Apart" or Are You Breaking Up? and Can You and Your Ex Transition From Being Lovers to Being Friends?).

Relationships: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup
The emotional attachment that each person feels for the other usually doesn't end on the day they break up--even if it's a final decision after much going back and forth.  Instead, over time, the feelings usually decrease gradually.  But for many people, if the relationship was significant and there wasn't a major betrayal, feelings of love often remain, and many people say, "My ex will always have a special place in my heart."

No one wants to go through the emotional pain of a breakup, but go through it you must if you're going to remain true to your feelings and not shutdown emotionally.

Even if you're the one who initiated the breakup and know that it's best for both of you, it's still a major loss to contend with and usually brings up emotions about prior significant losses.  Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the emotional pain from the current loss from whatever it's triggering from the past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Many people remain in a relationship that has, for all intents and purposes, ended on an emotional level because they don't want to go through the pain of the loss or go through the process of trying to meet someone new.  Their attitude is, "The devil I know is better than the devil I don't know."

But there is a price to pay for remaining in a relationship that has already run its course because in order to remain in that kind of relationship, people often need to numb their feelings.  Also, the dissatisfaction of being in the relationship can get displaced in other ways with irritability, anger, feelings of being stuck, and so on.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people who are quick to end a relationship because they're obsessed with the idea that there might be "someone better" for them.  This is a particular mindset that some people have that's exacerbated by the many dating apps where there are thousands of choices for a potential "better" partner (whatever "better" means to the particular person).

This can lead to an overall devaluing of an existing partner and the idea that romantic partners are expendable and exchangeable for an "upgrade" at any time.  So, it you're unhappy with something in your relationship, rather than trying to work on it, you can just search for someone new.

Coping With the Stages of a Breakup:
The following stages of a breakup are the some of the same basic stages of any loss.  Although these stages are listed in a particular order, you might experience them in a completely different order.  Also, it's likely that you'll go back and forth between the stages rather than going through each one in a linear manner.
  • Shock:  Even if you're the one who wanted to break up, the reality of the breakup and how it affects you can come as a shock.  Except for the most extreme cases, you might initially feel some ambivalence about breaking up, especially as you go through painful emotions.  If you're not the one who wanted the breakup, you might really be shocked when your partner lets you know that s/he wants to end it.  You can go through a period when the breakup feels unreal or like you're dreaming because you're so shocked.
  • A Need For Answers and "Closure": Whether the breakup is mutually agreed to, you wanted it or your partner wanted it, there are often many unanswered questions about why things didn't work out between the two of you.  Many people mistakenly think that if they could only understand what happened, they would feel better about the breakup.  While it might help somewhat, going through a breakup isn't a cognitive process so much as it's an emotional process.  So, even if you have all the so-called answers to your questions, it still might not make sense to you on an emotional level.  For some people this becomes an obsessive quest for "closure" which often doesn't help because the breakup still doesn't make sense to you emotionally, and a conversation for closure often just leads to other questions: "But why?" "Why don't you love me anymore?" (see my article: Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible and When the Need for Closure Turns Into Harassment).
  • Denial:  If the breakup is very hard for you to deal with, especially if you didn't want it, you might go through a phase of denial where you tell yourself that your ex isn't really leaving you.  You might convince yourself that your ex is going through a phase and s/he'll come back when s/he realizes how awful it is to be without you.  At this point, it's too painful for you to accept that the relationship is over and you would rather believe that there is some mistake than accept the end.
  • Bargaining: If you didn't want the breakup, rather than face the pain of the breakup, you try to bargain with your ex that you'll make everything right in the relationship--whatever it takes.  Things that you weren't willing to do before now seem palatable to you as compared with dealing with the pain of loss.  In most cases, this is a way of delaying acceptance and facing the unknown.  This is especially true for people who don't like to be alone and would rather remain in an unsatisfactory relationship than be alone.
  • Anger:  If you didn't want the breakup, you might feel very angry with your ex because you feel s/he caused you to feel pain.  You might experience the end of the relationship as something that is being "done" to you rather than an acknowledgement that things weren't working out.  Depending upon your temperament, you might take out your anger on your ex, your other loved ones or yourself.  Anger often hides profound sadness, and many people would rather feel anger than sadness.  But anger can also be used to mobilize yourself to make healthy changes for yourself when you're ready to do it (see my article: Anger as a Secondary Emotion).
  • Getting Back Together: If you and your ex are having an especially difficult time with the breakup, one of you might be able to convince the other to get back together again so that you don't have to deal with the pain.  Initially, it might feel like you're "starting over," but if nothing has changed, you will probably end up breaking up again and going through the other stages once again (see my article: Are You Thinking About Getting Back With Your Ex. Think Twice Before You Do and Ask Yourself: What Has Changed?).
  • Acceptance:  Unfortunately, not everyone gets to this stage.  While there is no denying the fact that the relationship is over, on an emotional level, many people remain in a limbo state hoping that they will reunite with their ex--despite significant evidence to the contrary.  These people can neither go back nor move forward and remain stuck.  However, most people go through an initial stage of acceptance.  They might not be happy about the breakup, but after a while, they begin to see new possibilities for themselves.  As time goes on, acceptance takes on new meaning and most people begin to feel hopeful again.
Conclusion
Whether you initiated the breakup, the breakup was mutually agreed to or your partner ended the relationship, breakups can be challenging, especially if they trigger earlier losses.  

The stages of a breakup and the feelings of loss aren't sequential or linear.  Some people go back and forth between the different stages many times before they reach an initial level of acceptance.  

Acceptance doesn't come all at once.  After the shock, denial, anger, bargaining and need for answers and closure stages, acceptance might be paper thin.  It might start with accepting the fact that the breakup is real and you're not getting back together again.  As time goes on, acceptance can take on new meaning and can lead to feeling hopeful again.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with the loss of a breakup, being kind and patient with yourself will help you.  But if you find that after a period of time, you're still struggling, you could benefit from the help of a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to go through the loss so you can accept the end and come out on the other side feeling hopeful (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seeking help when you're in an emotional crisis can help you to mourn the breakup so you can move on and lead the fulfilling life that you deserve.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which is a well researched, evidence-based therapy that is effective in helping people deal with relationship problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.

















Monday, July 1, 2019

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In Part 1 of Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players," I described the typical emotional dynamics and behavior of players (also known as pick-up artists), including the their manipulative and emotional abusive behavior towards women.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

I described a behavioral dynamic that is on a continuum and, in some cases, can include sociopathic behavior where there is a lack of empathy for how their behavior affects the women they're attempting to seduce (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Also on that continuum are men who eventually find being a player to be unsatisfying, lonely and, despite the conquest of many women, unsatisfying because it feels empty and meaningless.

Often these same men find themselves in an emotional crisis because they can neither remain a player nor can they move forward to a more meaningful life because they don't know any other way to be.

The focus of the this article, including the clinical vignette, will be on this subset of men.

As previously mentioned in the prior article, players can be either men or women, gay, bisexual or heterosexual.  But, generally speaking, the term is usually associated with heterosexual men, which is what this article is about.

Clinical Vignette: The Emotional Crisis of a Man Who is a Player
The following fictional vignette illustrates a typical scenario for a man who learns to develop a persona as a player but who eventually discovers that he wants more than casual hook ups with women--he wants a relationship, but he doesn't know how to be genuinely himself or how to have a committed relationship.

John
When John was in his teens, he wanted more than anything to date women, but he lacked the necessary self confidence to approach them.  Since he was very good looking, many girls were drawn to him and they approached him, but even when he knew that these girls liked him, he felt awkward and shy.

His first sexual experience was with a teenage girl, Jane, from his class who invited him over to her house while her parents were out.  He was highly anxious before going to her house because he feared that this girl would laugh at him due to sexual inexperience.  But rather than laugh at him, Jane, who had prior sexual encounters, led him into the bedroom and patiently initiated him into his first sexual experience.

Afterwards, realizing how pleasurable sex could be, he wanted to have sex with other girls too.  But throughout high school and even in college, he continued to feel shy and lack self confidence, so the only time he had sex was when girls or young women came onto him.

After college, John was at a total loss about how to meet women.  It was much easier for him when he was surrounded by young women in college who took the lead in initiating sex.  But after he graduated from college, he was no longer around women all the time, and he didn't like using dating apps, so he wasn't sure what to do.

Sometimes, he and his friends would go to singles bars and his friends would meet women and take them home  but, more often than not, he remained standing alone against the wall.  Occasionally, an attractive assertive woman would approach him and take him home, but this wasn't usually the case.

One day, feeling disappointed and discouraged, John turned down his friends' invitation to go out to a singles bar.  Although his best friend, Bill usually laughed at John's awkwardness and lack of confidence, when he realized how miserable John was, he told John that any man could learn to pick up women in a bar--he just needed to learn a few simple techniques and strategies and practice them.

Then, Bill recommended that John attend a three-day pick-up artists' boot camp where part of the training would be to stand side by side with a "dating coach" and observe the "dating coach" pick up women at various venues in New York City, including singles bars.

Bill also explained that John would get classroom instruction and drills that he would practice when John would go out with an experienced "dating coach" to apply what he learned in class while the coach stood nearby to observe John and give him feedback later.

In response to Bill, John laughed, but Bill urged him on, "What do you have to lose, man?  By the end of the training, you'll feel confident meeting and picking up women anywhere.  That's how I learned.  This training is foolproof."

With some reluctance, John signed up for the Attractions Method training, and he was amazed that he was able to develop the persona of a player that allowed him to feel the confidence that he lacked with women.  Soon after that, whenever he went out, he psyched himself up and took on this persona.

The strategies that John learned led to his hooking up with hundreds of women over the next several years.  He became so good at being a pick-up artist that he always had a sexy, beautiful woman on his arm, and his friends expressed envy, "John, where do you meet these women!?!  One is more beautiful then the next!"

But whenever one of the women wanted a more serious relationship, John would panic.  He had mastered taking on the persona of a confident pick-up artist and the techniques for picking up women for casual sex, but he was too afraid of allowing any emotional intimacy to develop between him and any of these women.  So, whenever a woman expressed wanting more from him, he would stop seeing her and focus on the many other women he was seeing simultaneously.

At the same time, John discovered that some of the techniques he learned to pick up women also worked in his sales career.  He was able to charm his female boss into giving him the best sales territory in the company.  He was also able to charm customers into buying the company's services.

With all the money he was earning, he attracted even more beautiful women who admired his success, his new sports car, and the way he generously spent money on them.  They were fascinated by him and they wanted to be around him.  He also enjoyed the admiration of his friends and colleagues who not only admired him--they wanted to be him.

But over time, when John was in his mid-30s, he realized that he no longer derived as much pleasure from sleeping with one beautiful woman after the next.  He found most of these women to be narcissistic and shallow, and he felt bored.  Deep down, he also knew that he was just playing a role and, even though he was convincing in this role, this wasn't really how he felt.

His friends were all getting married, some of them were starting families, and he realized that he felt lonely, especially because the only relationships he had with women were shallow and very short term. He never had a substantial monogamous relationship.

Gradually, John realized that there was something missing in his life.  Other than being with beautiful women, having sex with as many of them as possible, and making a lot of money, his life lacked meaning and substance and this was increasingly worrisome to him.

There was one woman, Sara, that he was dating who wasn't narcissistic or shallow.  He really liked her and thought he might like to be in a relationship with her, but he was afraid to be himself.  He feared that, even if he knew what it meant to be himself, Sara wouldn't like him if she knew the real him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

He realized that he had spent so much time taking on the persona of a player that he wasn't even sure who he was anymore.  Although he would have liked to talk to one of his friends about it, he was afraid that he would lose their admiration for his success with having so many women.

When he attempted to talk to Bill, who was married for several years, Bill just brushed him off, "What do you mean you feel lonely?  You're always with a sexy, beautiful women.  I envy you.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, but do you have any idea how boring it is to wake up to the same woman every day?  Enjoy yourself and, whatever you do, don't get married.  It's totally overrated."

After John got a similar response from his other close friends, he felt increasingly depressed and isolated.  He began having problems sleeping and getting up in the morning.  It took a lot more effort for him to take on the confident persona and to charm his customers into buying the company's services.  He also began to isolate and stopped seeing many of the women he had been hooking up with.

Soon his sales performance went from being the highest in the company to being one of the lowest.  His boss called him into her office to find out if there was anything wrong, but John didn't feel comfortable confiding in her, so he made up some excuse and told her that he would do better.

Although he managed to fake his way through that meeting with his boss, he knew that all his pretending was sapping him of energy and he felt a big disconnect between how he felt inside and the persona he was trying to project on the outside.  He wasn't even sure why he was doing it anymore--except that he didn't know what else to do.

As he became increasingly depressed, John knew he needed to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  Admitting this to himself was hard, but he knew it would be much harder if he descended deeper into depression.

During his first session with a female psychotherapist, John was tempted to take on the same persona he used to charm so many women.  It was hard for him to let down his guard to show the therapist just how bad he felt about himself.  At the same time, he knew that, if he was going to overcome his problems, he would need to be honest (see my article: The Importance of Being Honest With Your Therapist).

Gradually, over time, John opened up to his psychotherapist and told her about his history of being a shy, awkward young man and how he learned to be a player with women.  He explained that for a long time he felt like he was on a "high" when he slept with hundreds of beautiful, sexy women and all his friends envied him.

Then, he described the slow descent into his current emotional crisis, his feelings of being a fraud, his loneliness, his yearning to be himself (although he didn't know anymore what that meant), his guilt for the emotional pain he had caused the many women he manipulated, and his fear of developing a relationship with Sara.

Over time, John realized that the more he opened up to his therapist, the more genuine he felt.  Often, he would have realizations about himself in the therapy that he never had before.

As he became more comfortable with his psychotherapist, John allowed her to see more of the frightened, emotionally vulnerable side of himself.  To his surprise, he revealed his shame, which  was a big part of his lack of confidence of awkwardness (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

As he continued to talk in therapy, he also realized that he felt like he was basically an unlovable person who didn't really deserve to be happy with anyone.  It was only when he took on the persona of being a player that he felt confident, but he realized now that this wasn't genuine confidence--it was all a sham (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

His therapist used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the affect bridge so that John could go back to the earliest time when he felt unlovable.  In a relaxed hypnotic state, where John had the dual awareness of being in the here-and-now in the therapist's office as well as being in his earliest memory of feeling unlovable, John recounted how he was constantly and severely criticized and belittled by both of his parents who told him that he would never amount to anything and he would fail at everything.

As he recalled these early memories, John felt a wave of tremendous grief and anger for the way his parents treated him.  He knew that his parents thought they were trying to make him "tough" to face a difficult world, but he also realized how misguided they were.

Having gotten to his earliest memory of feeling unlovable using the affect bridge, his therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy  to help him overcome the traumatic effect of his early childhood history (see my articles: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, John began to feel better about himself.  The work with EMDR therapy wasn't the quick fix he hoped that it would be, but he discovered that he was slowly overcoming the trauma that had been an obstacle for him for so many years.

As John felt more confident and more genuinely himself without relying on a persona, over time he developed a relationship with Sara and discovered that she actually liked him for who he was and not for the person he was pretending to be when they first met.

Overall, he was happier in his relationship with Sara and in his career once he was able to overcome his traumatic history and allow himself to be genuine.

Conclusion
Men, who are players, are on a continuum.  With the exception of the most narcissistic or sociopathic male players, many men who engage in this deceptive, manipulative behavior with women eventually find this lifestyle to be hollow and meaningless.

Over time, they long for deeper, more substantial relationships, but they're so caught up in acting the part of a player that they don't know anymore (if they ever did) who they really are.  Giving up the persona would also mean giving up a way that they have come to successfully rely on to have attractive women as well as giving up the admiration they receive from their male peers.  It would also involve showing a more vulnerable part of themselves which they are ashamed of.

This often precipitates an emotional crisis for them, which is difficult to overcome on their own or with the people in their lives.  So, when the pain of being in an emotional crisis becomes greater than their shame, they often seek help in psychotherapy.

In an experiential therapy where the therapist knows how to help clients to trace back the origins of these men's problems, there is an opportunity for them to work through the current issues as well as the underlying issues that caused them to feel inadequate in the first place (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist.

An emotional crisis is painful, but it can also be an opportunity to resolve emotional problems that you might not otherwise feel motivated to address.

Once you have freed yourself from the burden of these emotional issues, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which is an evidence based therapy which research has shown to be effective for relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.














Thursday, June 27, 2019

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

In my recent articles, I focused on "breadcrumbing," a form of manipulation that is used by one person to string along, control and dominate another in a relationship in order to take advantage of them (see my articles:  Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1Breadcrumbing - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette, and Breadcrumbing - Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy).

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"
In those articles, I focused on the person who is being manipulated.  In this article, I'm focusing on the person who is normally called the "player" (or pickup artist) to get beyond surface appearances and to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues involved.

Although this is a nonjudgmental look at men who are players, it should in no way be construed as condoning manipulative and deceptive behavior at someone else's expense.  Nor should it be interpreted as encouragement for anyone who is involved with a player to remain in a situation where you are being emotionally abused.

What is a "Player"?
A player can be either a man or a woman, heterosexual, gay or bisexual.  But, generally speaking, the term refers to a heterosexual man, who is unlikely to be faithful, honest or respectful in a relationship.    

He usually presents himself as someone who is the opposite of a player--a man who is kind, thoughtful, and interested in being in a monogamous relationship with a woman.  But his outward presentation hides a more seductive and manipulative person who only pretends to be interested in a relationship so he can fool women into having sex with him.   Usually, his main goal is to sleep with as many women as possible in short term hook ups.

Someone who is a "successful player" has mastered the pickup lines, demeanor, and strategies for deceiving a woman into thinking he is serious about a potential relationship with her.  He is often able to quickly assess her emotional vulnerabilities in order to get what he wants (see a fictional vignette from a prior article).

If a player has chosen a woman who is especially vulnerable, he can continue to manipulate her even after she realizes that she is being manipulated.  As in the case of the fictional vignette in my prior article, there are often unconscious issues involved for the woman who becomes aware that she is being manipulated and who remains with a player--even though she realizes that she's being played.

There are numerous books, manuals, workshops and boot camps for men who want to learn to be players.  These sources usually promise men that they will develop the necessary skills to seduce and sleep with as many women as possible.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"
Needless to say, these men are often young and there is usually a level of emotional immaturity and arrested development for men who engage in this behavior.

Just like any other dynamic, the underlying personality dynamics for a player are on a continuum.  This often includes a fair amount of narcissism that vacillates between grandiosity and shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

If someone's narcissism is on a sociopathic level, he will usually be completely self serving without any real shame or regret because he lacks the ability to be empathic towards the women he is deceiving and manipulating.

At the same time, there are many men who gravitate towards being players because they lack the necessary social skills and genuine confidence (as opposed to faked confidence) to be real with women.

They think that being a player or a "bad boy" will get them more women.  To an extent they're right about being fascinating towards certain women (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Another aspect that makes becoming a player attractive to some men is they believe they will gain the admiration of other men.  They believe that when other men see them with a beautiful, sexy woman on their arm, these men will see them as masculine and desirable to women and buy into the image the player is trying to project.  The fact that this often actually does happen among men only reinforces players' dynamics.

These men often grew up in homes where they didn't see loving relationships modeled for them in their household.  They might have grown up in homes where the father dominated a subservient mother and ruled the family, so these men get a distorted view of masculinity and what it means to be a man.  Also, many of them feel constrained by societal stereotypes of masculinity that are neither realistic nor attainable.

Many of these men, who project an air of confidence and charm, are really emotionally insecure.  They think they've found quick-fix techniques for attracting and manipulating women.  Underneath  their show of confidence is a fear that the women they're meeting will see how insecure and inferior they really feel (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside and     How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

While players, who succeed in obsessively seducing and sleeping with many women, might appear to be happy with their conquests, there are certain men for whom these mind games become old. As they age, the novelty and dopamine rush of conquering one woman after another becomes empty and makes them feel lonely.  And the thought of aging and becoming an old player, who is alone, begins to feel pathetic.

These men often face an emotional crisis because they really don't feel genuinely confident in being themselves and they haven't developed the necessary skills to pursue a more substantial relationship with a woman.  So, they can't go back to their old strategies, but they don't know how to move forward either.

The emotional crisis, while being painful, can be the first step for these men to seek help so they can change.

More about these issues in my next article (see Part 2: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Players or pickup artists are usually heterosexual men who engage in manipulative and deceptive strategies to hook up or have sex with as many women as possible.  Their behavior can be emotionally devastating for a woman who is vulnerable to being manipulated.

Underneath the confident and charming facade of a player usually lies a fearful, emotionally immature man who hasn't developed psychologically and interpersonally.  Instead, he has learned various techniques and strategies through books and workshops that promise him success with women.

Over time, some men, who consider themselves to be players and who aren't sociopathic, realize that they're tired of these mind games and want a more substantial relationship with a woman.  But they haven't developed the necessary skills to form a mature relationship.

This often leads to an emotional crisis with feelings of emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. At that point, they usually feel that they can neither go back to their usual ways of being a player nor can they go forward to form stable, monogamous relationships.

Many men, who are in this emotional crisis, find their way forward by seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, insecurity and lack of self confidence, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

When you feel stuck in a dynamic that no longer works for you and you can't find your way forward, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this emotional crisis so you can discover a more authentic part of yourself to form a stable relationship.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and AEDP therapist who works with individuals and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

For couple therapy, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which research has shown to be an evidence-based therapy for helping couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.















Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

In my prior articles about "breadcrumbing," I discussed this concept in terms of it being a deceptive strategy used by a person in a relationship to string along and dominate their partner for selfish purposes.  In Part 2 of this topic, I also provided a fictional vignette to illustrate how this happens (see my articles: Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1 and Part 2).  In this article, I'm continuing with that same fictional vignette to show how psychotherapy can help someone who is caught in this web of deception.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing You?" Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

A Clinical Vignette: How Psychotherapy Can Help Someone Who is Being Manipulated in a Relationship

Tania:
To recap from Part 2 of this topic:
Soon after Tania ended her relationship with Ed, she began dating John, a handsome, charming, intelligent and gregarious man she met at a party.  Initially, she was happy to meet John.  She couldn't believe she could feel so excited about meeting someone new.

But her excitement quickly turned into a roller coaster of emotions from excitement to disappointment and sadness.  Eventually, it turned into feelings of low self worth as it became evident that John was stringing her along for his own selfish purposes.  Specifically, Tania really liked John and she wanted to date him, but he was only interested in hooking up.

Tania confided in her friend,  Alicia, who had been unaware that Tania was dating John.  She told her about all the disappointments, cancelled plans, invitations to his apartment only to have sex, and so on.  Alicia listened patiently and then she told Tania that John had a reputation for being a player who would string women along with just enough attention to keep them interested and contacting him, but without giving of anything in the way of real substance.

Even though Tania could see John's pattern of behavior in hindsight, she still felt drawn to him, so she was reluctant to cut him off.  But as she realized that being around him was making her increasingly unhappy and she was feeling bad about herself, she took steps to stop contact with him.

At Alicia's suggestion, Tania contacted a psychotherapist that Alicia recommended, and Tania set up a consultation with the therapist.

During the initial consultation, Tania talked about how sad she had been after she broke up with Ed because, even though she loved him, she could see that there would be no future with him given how afraid he was to fully commit to their relationship and take it to the next step.

Tania told the therapist that, in hindsight, she could see that she was emotionally vulnerable when she met John because she had not fully grieved the end of her relationship with Ed.  Even though she liked John when she first met him, she also realized now that he was somewhat of a distraction for her to keep her from feeling the sadness related to the end of her relationship with Ed.

When Tania talked about how John manipulated her by stringing her along, she told the therapist that not only did she feel disappointed--she also felt foolish and ashamed for allowing him to manipulate her time after time.  She realized that she had been lonely after her breakup, and this contributed to her allowing a bad situation with John to go on for as long as it did.  She said she kept hoping that he would realize how much he liked her and treat her better.

Her psychotherapist felt empathetic towards Tania.  She realized that Tania was being very hard on herself, and she normalized the situation by telling Tania that people who use breadcrumbing as a manipulative strategy are usually very good at it and they sense the other person's emotional vulnerability, which they take advantage of for their own selfish purposes.

They also discussed Tania's family background and early childhood.  Tania revealed that she was closer to her father than her mother.  When she was five, her parents divorced and she hardly saw him after that because he moved out of state.  She told the therapist that she grew up yearning to be around her father.  In hindsight, Tania said she felt her father was narcissistic and he didn't take into account how much she missed him and how disappointing it was when he was hours late without an explanation to pick her up.

On those rare occasions that she saw him when he came to visit New York, she said she missed him so much that she overlooked that he came very late or he would sometimes cancel at the last minute.  Looking back on it, Tania said, she thought she didn't want to make waves by complaining to her father because she was afraid that he would get angry and she would see him even less.

As Tania was talking about this, she realized for the first time that she had similar feelings with John as she did with her father.  She and her therapist talked about the similarities between John and Tania's father. They also discussed the connection between how she was with her father and how she interacted with John, and Tania felt a strong connection.

During the next several months, Tania worked in therapy to deal with the loss of her relationship with Ed.  She and her therapist also worked on the earlier trauma of yearning for a father who lacked empathy for her feelings when she was a child and the connection to her dating relationship with John.

To overcome these issues, her therapist used a combination of Somatic Experiencing and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy (see my article: Integrating EMDR Therapy and Somatic Psychotherapy).

Both EMDR therapy and Somatic Experiencing are experiential types of therapy that get to the underlying issues more effectively than regular talk therapy (see my articles: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma and Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

They worked on helping Tania to overcome her early childhood trauma.  Then, they worked on Tania's current problems and her anticipation about the future.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?  Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy

Over time, Tania gradually felt better.  As a result of her trauma therapy work, Tania no longer felt drawn to men like John.  In addition, when she met someone who attempted to manipulate her in a similar way, she saw it immediately and she took care of herself by ending contact with him because she felt she deserved better.

Conclusion
Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation that is used by both men and women to dominate and control the other person in a romantic situation.

People who are susceptible to being manipulated like this usually have earlier underlying issues that are getting replayed in the current situation--similar to the fictional vignette about Tania.  This is why these people are particularly vulnerable to these type of mind games.

Aside from stirring up old issues that s/he might be unaware of until they are unearthed in therapy, this type of manipulation often has a negative impact on the person's self esteem, especially if this person remains in the situation with the hope of getting a commitment from the person who is manipulating him or her.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been hurt by someone who manipulated you in a relationship, you owe it to yourself to get professional help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through the underlying issues that make you vulnerable to this type of manipulation so that you're no longer susceptible to these mind games.

Once you have freed yourself from the emotional abuse of breadcrumbing, you can make better romantic choices and lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (212) 726-1006 or email me.