What You Need to Know About the G-spot

What is the G-spot?

The G-spot is part of women's larger clitoral network which means it's part of the clitoris. 

The G-spot is Part of the Larger Clitoral Network

The G-spot is known as the Grafenberg spot. It's located on the anterior wall of the vagina. 

How to Find the G-spot

It's best for a woman to start by relaxing and being willing to explore a little because the G-spot can be a little complicated to find.

If a woman is lying down, she or her partner can find the G-spot by inserting a finger an inch or so inside the vagina and touching the upper vaginal wall--the spot that is on the same side as the belly button.

How to Stimulate the G-spot

Dr. Beverly Whipple, an American sexologist, discovered that by making a "come here" motion with a finger inside the vagina on the upper wall, this can stimulate the G-spot.

Since the G-spot is part of the clitoral network, when you stimulate the G-spot, you're stimulating part of the clitoris.

Stimulating Her G-spot

Most people think the clitoris is only the pea size nub which is part of the vulva and visible to the eye. But the part of the clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of it. The clitoris actually extends inside the vagina and divides into two "roots" which can be four inches long inside.

The location of the G-spot varies somewhat from woman to woman, which is another reason why it can be difficult to find at first.

What is Squirting?

Stimulation of the G-spot can cause a woman to squirt, especially if her outer clitoris is being stimulated with cunninlingus (oral sex for women) or fingering of the outer part of the clitoris at the same time the G-spot is being stimulated.

Squirting,which is also known as female ejaculation, is a release of fluid during an orgasm. 

The fluid is a combination of urea, uric acid, creatinine and some urine released from the Skene's glands, which are at the lower end of the urethra.

Simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and the G-spot can result in squirting.

Squirting varies from women to woman. Not all women squirt. Some women might squirt once in their life and never again. Others might squirt more frequently.

Some women are embarrassed when they squirt because it involves a gush of liquid and many women assume that the liquid is all urine.

Squirting has nothing to do with the quality of a woman's sexual pleasure or whether or not she had an orgasm.  A woman can experience a great deal of sexual pleasure, including an orgasm, but she might not squirt.

Squirting became a popular topic on social media because it's often depicted in pornography.  

Unfortunately, pornography is the main source of sexual information for many young people--even though, in reality, the way standard porn depicts sexual pleasure, especially women's sexual pleasure, is distorted, at best, and wrong at worst.

Ethical pornography, which is mostly made by women, has more realistic depictions of sexual pleasure compared to standard pornography.

Standard pornography is mostly made for the male perspective and mainly focused on male pleasure to the exclusion of realistic female pleasure (see my article: What is Ethical Pornography?).

Focus on Sexual Pleasure

As I've mentioned in prior articles, to enjoy sex it's best to focus on sexual pleasure rather than approaching it in a performative way (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Also see my article: How to Make Oral S£x Great For Her

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing Your Sex Script: Part 1: The Beginning Phase: Sexual Arousal

In my prior article, Understanding Your Sex Script I began a discussion about sex scripts based on Dr. Ian Kerner's book, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.   

Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase

            

As I mentioned, a sex script is a detailed description of a sexual encounter that reveals what happened, what didn't happen, what was pleasurable for each individual and what wasn't.  

Sex scripts are analyzed in terms of their beginning, middle and end phases (see my prior article for details).  The focus of this article will be on problems in the beginning phase of the sex script where couples often struggle.

Stop Approaching Sex as a Performance-Based Activity: Pleasure is the Measure

Many couples approach sex as a goal-oriented or performance-based activity with the goal being orgasm.  

Obviously, orgasms are pleasurable and have many health benefits, including:

• Good Heart Health: Orgasms lower cortisol, which is a stress hormone.

• Improved Sleep: When stress is reduced, sleep often improves.  

• Improved Immune System: A study of college students showed that having an orgasm once or twice a week increased immunoglobulin levels 30 percent higher as opposed to those in the study who weren't having sex.

• Increased Emotional Intimacy: Orgasms release oxytocin, also known as the "cuddle hormone," which deepens the emotional bond between you and your lover.

• Improved Pelvic Floor Health: The contraction and release of the muscles in the pelvic area tones the pelvic floor, which improves core strength as well as bladder control. It also helps to intensify orgasms.

• Post Sex Glow: During an orgasm blood flows throughout the body.  When blood vessels dilate, it produces increased oxygen.  Increased oxygen stimulates collagen, which improves overall skin health and helps to prevent wrinkles.

• Increased Happiness: Last but not least, in addition to the oxytocin, orgasms feel good and they provide a sense of well-being.

    Pressure to Perform Sexually

Notwithstanding all the benefits of having orgasms, when a couple places too much emphasis on orgasms, it often places too much pressure on each individual.  

Then, rather than sex being enjoyable, it becomes a chore.  And when one or both people don't have an orgasm, it can be a source of humiliation and shame if sex is approached as a performance-based activity.

As I've mentioned in my prior articles, instead of orgasms being the goal of having sex, a better approach is to focus on the pleasure of having sex with someone you care about. 

As sex educator, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. emphasizes in her book, Come As You Are, "Pleasure is the measure"--not orgasm.

The Beginning Phase of Your Sex Script

Problems often develop for couples right at the beginning phase.

For instance, it's not unusual for two individuals to have very different experiences with regard to sexual arousal.  

One person might experience spontaneous arousal where s/he might be ready to have sex just by thinking about it, whereas the other person might experience responsive arousal and might need more a build up to get sexually aroused (see my article: Spontaneous vs Responsive Sexual Arousal). 

Despite what is often portrayed in pornography, movies and TV programs where both people are ready to have sex at the drop of a hat, these differences in sexual arousal are very common and can lead to misunderstandings in a relationship.  This is especially true if the person who experiences responsive sexual arousal feels pressured and the person who experiences spontaneous arousal feels disappointed and rejected.  

It's important for both individuals to be able to recognize their own sexual arousal pattern and be able to talk about it with their partner because when they can talk about it, they can adjust their dynamic so that sex is pleasurable for both of them.  

So, for instance, the person who experiences spontaneous arousal can recognize that context is very important to the person who experiences responsive desire and s/he can slow down to meet his or her partner where they're at during this beginning phase of their sexual script.

It's also important for each individual to understand his/her partner's "turn ons" and "turn offs" (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).  

As Dr. Nagoski says in Come As You Are, "The process of becoming aroused is turning on and ons and turning off the offs." 

But how can you do that unless both of you know what your turn ons and turn offs are?  

If you just assume that your partner wants what you want, you could be seriously mistaken.  And if you don't tell your partner what turns you on and turns you off, your partner might not know.  So, this lack of communication can ruin the beginning phase of any sexual encounter.

Often this lack of communication occurs because each person feels too ashamed to talk about sex (see my article:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

When a couple has difficulty talking about sex, which can lead to disappointment and frustration, they often avoid having sex because sex has become a source of shame and tension between them.  Even though each of them might want to have sex, they don't know where to begin to have this discussion.  This is often compounded by familial, religious, cultural and other issues.

Without help, a couple can go months, years and even decades without having sex, which can create emotional alienation in the relationship.

See my articles:

Part 2: Changing Your Sex Script: 

Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation

Part 4: Enhancing Sexual Motivation

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling stuck and unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to work through your problems.

The first step, contacting a psychotherapist, is often the hardest, but it's often the frost step to leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

Generally, men and women are different when it comes to sexual arousal. Foreplay is an important part of sex, especially for women.  Unlike most men, who become sexually aroused easily, with certain exceptions, most women take longer to get aroused. So, men need to take their time and focus on women first if they want to have a mutually satisfying sex life (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

A Woman's Body is More Complicated Than a Man's Body: The Orgasm Gap

One of the biggest complaints that women who come for couples counseling have is that their partners don't take the time to please them during sex.  

Most men can have an erection on command.  According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average man can have an orgasm in as little as 5 minutes, but the average woman it can take 17 minutes to reach orgasm.

Given the orgasm gap, if the average man skips foreplay during sex, their partners will be just starting to warm up when he has his orgasm, which would make sex frustrating and not as enjoyable for the woman.  

Sex Tips For Men

• Number 1 Tip: Ladies First: If you want to have sex that's satisfying for both of you, focus your attention on the woman: Ladies first--before thinking about your own sexual gratification.  Don't be selfish (see tips below).

• Every Woman is Different: Get to know what she likes before you have sex with her. Don't make assumptions.  If she's open to having sex with you and you know you have consent, ask her what she likes.  Ask her to share her sexual fantasies with you and share your fantasies with her. 

• Be Clean and Well Groomed: There are few things that are more of a sexual turn off for a woman than being with a man who hasn't taken the time to get clean and well groomed.  

• Foreplay Can Start Before You Get Into the Bedroom: Foreplay can start before you even see her. If the two of you have been apart most of the day, assuming this isn't a hook up with someone you've just met, let her know that you're thinking about her.  

• Create an Environment for Enjoyable Sex: Rather than just "jumping right in," create the right environment for good sex.  Before you invite her into your bedroom, take the time to tidy up.  If the room is a mess, you might be able to ignore it, but it might be distracting for her, and you don't want distractions while the two of you are having sex. No distractions also means you turn off and put away your phone, turn off the TV and close your computer.  Clean sheets, low lights and music are conducive to relaxing and having good sex and will help to create the mood. 

• Sexual Pleasure Begins in the Brain: The brain knows two types of sexual pleasure: Anticipation and consummation. During anticipatory pleasure, pleasure builds up in anticipation of the sexual pleasure (this is also true for other forms of pleasure, like the anticipation of eating a delicious meal). During consummatory pleasure, you feel pleasure of getting what you've been craving. To have more satisfying sex, you want to build the anticipation as much a possible.  Usually, more the sexual tension builds up, the more pleasurable the orgasm will be.

• Take Your Time When You Get Undressed: When you're in the mood for sex, your first inclination might be to rip off your clothes and jump into bed.  But this is rarely sexually arousing for women. It makes you look sexually inexperienced and as if you don't care about her sexual needs. So, instead of rushing to take off your clothes, take your time.  You don't have to do a striptease for her (although this could be powerfully arousing).  Just slow down as you take off each article of clothing so the sexual tension builds up for her.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For Clitoris Before She's Sexually Aroused: Every woman is going to be different.  The clitoris is amazing, but most women need to be kissed and caressed first before you dive right for the clitoris.  The clitoris is also easy to find even for sexually inexperienced men. The inner labia (the lips) form a hood over the clitoris, which protects the clitoris from direct stimulation. For most women, the clitoris is a small bud that protrudes outward slightly.  Compared to the penis glans, the tip of the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings--15,000, so it's highly sensitive to touch and sexual arousal. As a result, the clitoris is crucial for sexual orgasm for most women.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For the G-spot Before She's Sexually Aroused: The G-spot, which was named after a German gynecologist, Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, is a little harder to find than the clitoris because it's inside the vagina. It's a slightly bumpy spot about 2 inches inside the vagina.  Even though the G-spot has been studied since the 1940s, there's still a disagreement as to whether it's a continuation of the clitoris or not. Even some women might be unfamiliar as to exactly where their G-spot begins, but the two of you can have fun with locating it during foreplay.  After she has warmed up to sex, then you can stimulate her clitoris and G-spot.  Assuming she likes this, it can be immensely pleasurable for her.

• Learn to Delay Your Orgasm: As previously mentioned, there is an orgasm gap between most women and men. So, to have more satisfying sex, learn to delay your orgasm (read about and learn the Squeeze Technique and the Stop and Start Technique).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner: Take your time and be respectful of your partner. Be aware that many women have body issues due to emotional trauma and pressures that society puts on them to look and be a certain way.  Some women also experience "slut shaming" or get called "'hoes" because they enjoy sex.  Communicate and find out what's going on with your partner both before and after sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems is one of the major problems that people talk about in couples therapy.  

In relationships where one partner isn't willing to go for couples therapy, individuals often come to therapy on their own to cope with the problem.

If you and your partner are having problems with your sex life, you can benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.