Relationship Expectations: What is the "Good Enough" Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean "Settling"

According to Dr. John Gottman, author and world-renowned relationship expert, you're more likely to have the kind of relationship you want if you have high expectations--as long as your expectations are realistic.

How Do Your Expectations Affect How You're Treated in a Relationship?

According to Dr. Gottman, people with high expectations are usually in relationships where they're treated well.

Relationship Expectations

Dr. Gottman's findings coincide with research by Dr. Ronald Baucom from the University of North Carolina.  

Dr. Baucom studied marital expectations for 10 years and found that people who have low expectations are usually treated poorly and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

What is the "Good Enough" Relationship?

Before going on, let's define what Dr. Gottman means by a "good enough" relationship.

A "good enough" relationship doesn't mean settling for what you don't want.

It means being realistic.

In a "good enough" relationship you are treated with 

• Kindness
• Love
• Affection
• Loyalty
• Respect

What people often get wrong in terms of relationship expectations is that they expect their relationship to be conflict free and to meet all their needs.

While it's understandable that no one wants a relationship that has constant conflict and upheaval, it's normal for couples to argue sometimes.

On the other end of the spectrum, when couples handle problems by avoiding conflict altogether, this often leads to emotional and sexual estrangement. 

Avoidant couples might appear calm on the outside, but there's usually a lot of tension roiling under the surface. 

For couples who have avoided dealing with their problems for a long time, the tension between them is often palpable so they can no longer maintain a calm facade. Everyone around them can feel it.

One or both partners who are avoidant might engage in giving the other partner "the silent treatment" which is also known as stonewalling (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Stop Stonewalling).

Avoidant couples also allow grievances to pile up which leads to even more estrangement.

According to Dr. Gottman, when conflict is handled in a productive way, it can lead to greater understanding in the relationship. 

In addition, how each partner makes and accepts gestures to repair after an argument is also important. 

When there's no gesture for repair or the gesture isn't accepted by the other partner, grievances can pile up and result in longstanding resentment which can create increasing emotional and sexual disconnection (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Longstanding resentment can also lead to the demise of the relationship.

Realistic vs Unrealistic Expectations

Dr. Gottman also recommends that couples have realistic expectations with regard to solvable and unsolvable problems.

Relationship Expectations

Couples with unrealistic expectations often expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, which becomes an unsolvable problem.

Unsolvable problems which are based on unrealistic expectations include:

• Expecting a partner to know what you need without telling them
• Expecting a relationship to heal your childhood emotional wounds/trauma
• Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your emotional, psychological and existential needs

In addition, if you have an expectation that your partner will be your "soulmate," you're more likely to be disappointed when your partner can't fulfill all your needs because this is an unrealistic expectation. 

This also places a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship (see my article:  Why Looking For a "Soulmate" Will Disappoint You).

How to Strengthen Your Relationship

Couples in "good enough" relationships with realistic expectations can focus on strengthening their relationship by:

• Respecting one another
• Supporting each other's hopes and dreams
• Trusting each other and being trustworthy/loyal

Relationship Expectations

• Managing conflict constructively
• Making and receiving gestures for repair after an argument
• Learning to compromise 

In addition, having healthy relationship goals, which are developed together with your partner, can strengthen your relationship (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals That Can Strengthen Your Relationship ).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

Generally, men and women are different when it comes to sexual arousal. Foreplay is an important part of sex, especially for women.  Unlike most men, who become sexually aroused easily, with certain exceptions, most women take longer to get aroused. So, men need to take their time and focus on women first if they want to have a mutually satisfying sex life (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Sex Tips For Men: How Men Can Be Better Sex Partners With Women

A Woman's Body is More Complicated Than a Man's Body: The Orgasm Gap

One of the biggest complaints that women who come for couples counseling have is that their partners don't take the time to please them during sex.  

Most men can have an erection on command.  According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average man can have an orgasm in as little as 5 minutes, but the average woman it can take 17 minutes to reach orgasm.

Given the orgasm gap, if the average man skips foreplay during sex, their partners will be just starting to warm up when he has his orgasm, which would make sex frustrating and not as enjoyable for the woman.  

Sex Tips For Men

• Number 1 Tip: Ladies First: If you want to have sex that's satisfying for both of you, focus your attention on the woman: Ladies first--before thinking about your own sexual gratification.  Don't be selfish (see tips below).

• Every Woman is Different: Get to know what she likes before you have sex with her. Don't make assumptions.  If she's open to having sex with you and you know you have consent, ask her what she likes.  Ask her to share her sexual fantasies with you and share your fantasies with her. 

• Be Clean and Well Groomed: There are few things that are more of a sexual turn off for a woman than being with a man who hasn't taken the time to get clean and well groomed.  

• Foreplay Can Start Before You Get Into the Bedroom: Foreplay can start before you even see her. If the two of you have been apart most of the day, assuming this isn't a hook up with someone you've just met, let her know that you're thinking about her.  

• Create an Environment for Enjoyable Sex: Rather than just "jumping right in," create the right environment for good sex.  Before you invite her into your bedroom, take the time to tidy up.  If the room is a mess, you might be able to ignore it, but it might be distracting for her, and you don't want distractions while the two of you are having sex. No distractions also means you turn off and put away your phone, turn off the TV and close your computer.  Clean sheets, low lights and music are conducive to relaxing and having good sex and will help to create the mood. 

• Sexual Pleasure Begins in the Brain: The brain knows two types of sexual pleasure: Anticipation and consummation. During anticipatory pleasure, pleasure builds up in anticipation of the sexual pleasure (this is also true for other forms of pleasure, like the anticipation of eating a delicious meal). During consummatory pleasure, you feel pleasure of getting what you've been craving. To have more satisfying sex, you want to build the anticipation as much a possible.  Usually, more the sexual tension builds up, the more pleasurable the orgasm will be.

• Take Your Time When You Get Undressed: When you're in the mood for sex, your first inclination might be to rip off your clothes and jump into bed.  But this is rarely sexually arousing for women. It makes you look sexually inexperienced and as if you don't care about her sexual needs. So, instead of rushing to take off your clothes, take your time.  You don't have to do a striptease for her (although this could be powerfully arousing).  Just slow down as you take off each article of clothing so the sexual tension builds up for her.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For Clitoris Before She's Sexually Aroused: Every woman is going to be different.  The clitoris is amazing, but most women need to be kissed and caressed first before you dive right for the clitoris.  The clitoris is also easy to find even for sexually inexperienced men. The inner labia (the lips) form a hood over the clitoris, which protects the clitoris from direct stimulation. For most women, the clitoris is a small bud that protrudes outward slightly.  Compared to the penis glans, the tip of the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings--15,000, so it's highly sensitive to touch and sexual arousal. As a result, the clitoris is crucial for sexual orgasm for most women.

• Get Educated and Don't Go Right For the G-spot Before She's Sexually Aroused: The G-spot, which was named after a German gynecologist, Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, is a little harder to find than the clitoris because it's inside the vagina. It's a slightly bumpy spot about 2 inches inside the vagina.  Even though the G-spot has been studied since the 1940s, there's still a disagreement as to whether it's a continuation of the clitoris or not. Even some women might be unfamiliar as to exactly where their G-spot begins, but the two of you can have fun with locating it during foreplay.  After she has warmed up to sex, then you can stimulate her clitoris and G-spot.  Assuming she likes this, it can be immensely pleasurable for her.

• Learn to Delay Your Orgasm: As previously mentioned, there is an orgasm gap between most women and men. So, to have more satisfying sex, learn to delay your orgasm (read about and learn the Squeeze Technique and the Stop and Start Technique).

• Be Respectful of Your Partner: Take your time and be respectful of your partner. Be aware that many women have body issues due to emotional trauma and pressures that society puts on them to look and be a certain way.  Some women also experience "slut shaming" or get called "'hoes" because they enjoy sex.  Communicate and find out what's going on with your partner both before and after sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual problems is one of the major problems that people talk about in couples therapy.  

In relationships where one partner isn't willing to go for couples therapy, individuals often come to therapy on their own to cope with the problem.

If you and your partner are having problems with your sex life, you can benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

All You Need is More Than Love

Often, when people fall in love, their attitude is that, like the Beatles song, all they need is love.  Being in love and passionate for each other can take you along for a while--maybe even the first two years of a relationship.  Then, it soon becomes obvious that you need more than just love to have a successful relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love

Here are a few other important factors, beyond love, that contribute to a happy relationship:

Respecting Each Other:  If you love each other, but there are times, let's say when you're angry, that you speak and act disrespectfully to each other, after a while, love alone isn't going to carry you through. Disrespect can take many forms:  a contemptuous look, name calling, cheating on your partner, lying, etc. It's important that when disagreements come up, as they inevitably do in serious relationships, you both remember to be mutually respectful to one another.

Learning to Compromise: Falling in love and feeling passionate for one another is great, but relationships also call for compromise at times.  If you and your partner haven't learned the give-and-take that is part of any long-term relationship, more than likely, you'll soon be embroiled in arguments and power struggles where each of you is trying to get your way.  Both people need to know how to compromise so it's not just a one-way street with one person doing all the compromising.

Having Similar Core Values and Outlook on Life: When you fall in love, it might be due, in part, to a sexual attraction or you enjoy similar activities, but it's also important for the health of a long-term relationship that you have similar core values.  You don't  need to agree about everything, but for the things that are most important to each of you, it's important to have similar values.

There Are Exceptions:
Now, I know there are couples who have long-term relationships where they don't have similar core values.  But they're the exception rather than the rule.  For instance, if your religious faith is important to you and you know you will only be happy with a partner who shares the same faith, don't think that overlooking this in a partner will work or, worse still, that you'll convert him or her to your faith.  It can happen, but more often than not, it doesn't.

If you know you won't be happy unless you have children and your partner doesn't want kids, don't overlook this.  You might feel resentful in the future.  There are so many other examples of this, whether it involves attitudes about money, politics, families, etc.  So, be honest with yourself and your partner at the beginning of the relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love
When you first fall in love, you might not want to think about respect, compromise or core values.  It's easy to get swept away on a tidal wave of love and think that "love will conquer all" and other cliches about love.

And maybe you and your partner will be one of the exceptions that I've discussed, but chances are you won't be.  So, don't ignore some of the red flags that might come up early on about these issues if you want a long-term relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.