How to Make 0ral S£x Great For Her

Oral sex can be one of the most pleasurable, exciting and intimate experiences between two people--whether it's cunnilingus for women or fellatio for men (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women).

How to Make Oral Sex Great For Her

In this article I'm focusing on cunnilingus, which is oral sex for women, and I'll focus on fellatio, oral sex for men, in a future article.

There's a great book by Sex Therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, called She Comes First, that provides excellent tips for cunnilingus.  If you're not familiar with this book, check it out. It's available wherever books are sold.

What is Cunnilingus?

Cunnilingus is oral sex for women.

It can involve the giver using their mouth and tongue to stimulate the vulva, vagina and, specifically, the clitoris. This means sucking, licking, and nibbling--depending upon what she likes.

Why is Cunnilingus Important For Most Women?

Cunnilingus is very pleasurable for most women to receive. 

It can also be very pleasurable for the person who is performing cunnilingus.

Most women need stimulation of the clitoris to have an orgasm and cunnilingus provides clitoral stimulation by the giver using their tongue, mouth and fingers.

Tips on What Makes Oral Sex Great For Women

Here are some tips that can help you:

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Shower or Bathe Beforehand: Being clean is essential for all sex. A shower or a bath will also help both of you to relax before sex.

Shower or Bathe Beforehand

• Be Generous: There are some people who enjoy receiving oral sex, but they don't want to give. Sex research indicates this is less likely to occur with lesbians or bisexual women.  So, if you're a heterosexual guy who likes to receive oral sex but you don't like cunnilingus, you need to rethink your attitude. While it's important that no one should do anything they're not comfortable doing, if you're unwilling to perform cunnilingus, don't expect to receive fellatio. It's that simple. This often occurs during casual sex, especially one-night stands where some guys are only focused on their own sexual pleasure (see my article: Can Casual Sex Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?).

Communicate

• Communicate: Although many women love to receive oral sex, some don't, so you need to know whether your partner likes it or not. Having a conversation before you have sex will let you know your partner's preferences. In addition, if she's into oral sex, ask how she likes it. Many women prefer a slow build up with kissing, touching and attention to other erogenous zones before their partner stimulates their clitoris. Other women might like sucking as opposed to licking or alternating between the two, so find out what she likes beforehand. The conversation can be part of your foreplay. Also be open to feedback while you're performing cunnilingus to maximize her pleasure (see my articles: How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner - Part 1 and Part 2.

Communicate

• Help Her to Relax: Receiving oral sex makes some women feel physically and emotionally vulnerable. So, as much as you can, help her to relax if she's tense. This might mean giving her a massage beforehand, cuddling, talking or the two of you doing a breathing exercise together. Find out from her what helps her to relax. 

Help Her to Relax

Help Her to Relax

• Get Comfortable: Before you perform cunnilingus, make sure you're comfortable. Use pillows to get comfortable if you need them so you don't strain your neck or have to stop suddenly. 

• Use a Dental Dam: If you're in a monogamous relationship and both of you only have sex with each other, you can probably skip using a dental dam. But if you're not completely monogamous or one of you has a sexually transmitted infection or you don't know each other well, use a dental dam. Dental dams are available over the counter or online, so you shouldn't have a hard time finding them.  Also, if one or both of you hasn't been tested in a while, take precautions in the same way you would if one of you had an STI.

• Don't Go Right For the Clitoris (unless that's what she likes): Most women like a build up of sexual tension with kissing, caressing, touching other erogenous zones, and so on, before you focus on the clitoris. Also, be sure to include the labia (the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening) when you use your tongue and mouth to stimulate her. 

• Vary Your Technique S-l-o-w-l-y: You don't want to ruin the moment if she's about to have an orgasm and you switch too quickly from one type of stimulation to another (like from licking to sucking). You need to be tuned in to your partner to get a sense of how turned on she is or if she is about to have an orgasm. 

• Don't Forget the G-Spot: The clitoris is the only part of a woman's body that is specifically for pleasure. It serves no other biological function, so it's important to understand what it is and how to stimulate it. The pea shaped clitoris that is visible to the eye is only a small part of the clitoris. The rest of the clitoris extends into the vagina. Stimulating a woman's G-spot, which is located about an inch or so inside the vaginal opening on the upper vaginal wall, can add a lot of pleasure. Combining cunnilingus with stimulating the G-spot with your finger at the same time can add a lot of pleasure (see my article: What You Need to Know About the G-spot).

Don't Forget the G-Spot

• Take Your Time, Be Patient and Remain Attuned to Your Partner's Sexual Pleasure: A major mistake people make is thinking they only have to engage in cunnilingus for a few minutes and then they're done. Unless your partner tells you differently, take your time. A few minutes isn't enough time for most women to have an orgasm. Many women take up to 30 minutes or more. Pay attention to how she's experiencing pleasure and if she's close to an orgasm.

• Be Aware That Not All Women Orgasm During Cunnilingus and That's Okay: Women's experiences with cunnilingus varies. Some women have orgasms during oral sex and some don't. Some women need a combination of oral, fingering, G-spot stimulation and sex toys like a vibrator. It's all good. That's why it's important to communicate beforehand.

• Remember that Sexual Aftercare is Important: This could mean cuddling, kissing or whatever makes you both feel comfortable.

Sexual Aftercare

Sexual Aftercare

• Be Open to Feedback: Feedback can come from your partner at any time, so be open to receiving feedback from her to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you. You can talk about what worked and what could be improved upon. If feedback is given in a tactful, helpful way, it can ensure that sex will be pleasurable for both of you.

About Me

I am a New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Heterosexual Women Are Often Labeled as Having Low Sexual Desire When The Real Problem is Their Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met During Partnered Sex

There can be many reasons why a heterosexual woman might not be enjoying sex.  All too often these women are misdiagnosed as having low sexual desire when, in fact, the real problem is that their sex partner isn't meeting their sexual needs (see my articles: Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2: How to Close the Orgasm Gap).

A Woman's Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met By Her Partner

The problem in these situations is often that the man either doesn't know what turns her on, she doesn't know how to talk to him about it or he's only focused on his own sexual satisfaction (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons).

These problems often occur during casual sexual hookups where either the man's sexual pleasure is given priority or the two people just don't know each other well enough for the woman to have satisfying sex (see my articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2: Solace Sex, Part 3: Sealed Off Sex and Part 4: Synchrony Sex).

Generally speaking, the man won't have problems having an orgasm--even during a casual hookup because it's easier for a man to have an orgasm.

Every woman is going to be different, but most women don't orgasm from just PIV (penis in vagina) alone.  Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm and this might not occur if the man isn't concerned about the woman's sexual satisfaction.

In many of these cases, when a woman doesn't enjoy PIV, both she and the man often believe there's something wrong with her.  But there's nothing wrong with a woman who doesn't enjoy sex that isn't satisfying for her.

What Are the Signs a Heterosexual Woman's Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met During Partnered Sex?

The following situations usually indicate a heterosexual woman's sexual needs aren't being met during partnered sex with a heterosexual man:

• He expects her to perform oral sex (fellatio) on him, but he's either unwilling or doesn't know how to give her pleasure with oral sex (cunninlingus).  Since most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, this is a big problem.

• He doesn't know where her clitoris is and he's not interested in finding out because it's not important to him.

• He gets his "sex education" from watching porn and he doesn't realize that women in pornography are actors acting a role and not really being sexually satisfied.  He also believes that all women orgasm from PIV and he doesn't need to make much of an effort because he sees heterosexual women in porn having an orgasm quickly and without much effort from the man.

• He thinks she should always be in the mood for sex without any effort on his part because that's what he's seen portrayed by the actors in porn (the female actors in porn are always ready to have sex because they're actors playing a part).

A Woman's Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met By Her Partner

• He doesn't bother with foreplay because he either doesn't know it's necessary or doesn't care (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as More Than Just a Preclude to Sexual Intercourse).

• He only cares about his own orgasm during sex.

• He becomes impatient and critical when she doesn't reach an orgasm quickly. He doesn't realize she might be someone who experiences responsive sexual arousal rather than spontaneous arousal and both are normal (see my article: Spontaneous Sexual Arousal and Responsive Sexual Arousal Are Both Normal).

• He believes sex is over after he has an orgasm (even if she hasn't had an orgasm or hasn't even enjoyed sex).

• He insists on having sex without a condom.  This is totally unacceptable because of the potential to get an STI (sexually transmitted infection).

• He doesn't engage in cuddling or any type of affectionate behavior after he has an orgasm.

• He becomes emotionally and/or physically distant after he has an orgasm.

• He doesn't take care of his personal hygiene by showering before sex or "manscaping," but he expects her to take care of her personal hygiene for him.

• He insists on certain sexual acts, kinks or fetishes he enjoys and he gets angry and resentful if she's not turned on by the same things.

• He persists in asking for sexual acts she's made clear she doesn't like.

• He makes negative and condescending remarks about her appearance (e.g., her weight, age, hair, makeup or lack of makeup, etc) and then he doesn't understand why she's not turned on or interested in having sex with him.

• He gets impatient and angry if she has pain during PIV sex (e.g., dyspareunia, vaginismus, vulvodynia, post-menopausal pain) which can be due to many reasons, including but not limited to:

• insufficient lubrication 
• insufficient or no sexual arousal
• medication
• breastfeeding
• urinary tract infection
• other medical causes

• He becomes offended and insecure when she wants to include sex toys during their sexual activities.

• He blames her for his medical and/or psychological problems with erectile dysfunction or unreliable erection, and he refuses to get appropriate medical and/or psychological help to rectify his problem.

• He becomes emotionally abusive by comparing her to other women he's known or threatening to see other women to belittle or pressure her to do what he wants sexually.

Conclusion

Heterosexual women are often labeled as having low sexual desire when the real problem is their sexual needs aren't being met during partnered sex.

Sometimes this occurs because the woman's male partner isn't sexually well informed or he doesn't know what turns on his partner.  

This problem is complicated by the fact that some women either don't know what they like or they feel too ashamed to talk about it (see my articles: Tips For Women on Sexual Self Discovery and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Other times this occurs because the man is selfish and he's only focused on his pleasure.  This frequently occurs during hookups, which are often unsatisfying for heterosexual women.

If the man and the woman are in a relationship and they have been unable to work these issues out on their own, they could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy.

A Couple Attending Sex Therapy

If this problem is occurring during casual sex, the woman could benefit from being assertive about her sexual needs and not continuing to have sex with men who are only focused on their sexual satisfaction.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who helps individual adults and couples.  One of my specialties is sex therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives

In my prior article, What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?  I introduced this concept, which is when one person in a relationship has a higher sexual libido than the other.  I'm continuing with the same topic in this article by focusing on how couples therapy can help.

Overcoming Problems With Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Sexual Stereotypes

A common stereotype is that men have a higher sexual libido than women.  This stereotype is often inaccurate and misleading because many women in heterosexual relationships have a higher libido than their male partner (see my article: Women With High Sexual Desire - Part 1 and Part 2).

Sexual desire discrepancy (or high sexual libido vs lower libido) comes up in all types of relationships--whether these relationships are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  

Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, sexual desire discrepancy can be a significant problem in any relationship, and many couples don't know how to deal with it.

Although some couples minimize this problem, sexual desire discrepancy is often a significant stressor in a relationship, and it should be taken seriously rather than being ignored.

Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Often the person in the relationship who is perceived as having a lower libido is labeled by the couple as "the problem" when the couple comes for therapy.  

But as couples explore their problem in therapy, they often discover that the person who seemingly has a lower libido just isn't turned on by what the couple is doing sexually (see my article:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

It's important for couples to communicate with each other to find out what turns each of them on sexually, how they get turned on, and under what circumstances.  

Some people experience sexual desire more spontaneously while others need more time to get turned on (see my articles: Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs Responsive Sexual Desire, What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

When a couple is able to open up and speak to each other about how they experience sex in their relationship, they often discover that they each require something different to get turned on (see my article: Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Sexual Intercourse).

So, let's explore this with some examples (the examples given below are composite cases with all identifying information changed).

Talk to Your Partner About Sex

Jane and Bob were in a three year relationship.  When they talked about their sex life in couples therapy, Bob discovered that Jane got much more turned on when Bob spent more time performing oral sex (cunnilingus) rather than rushing into sexual intercourse (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Prior to this, Bob thought of Jane as having a low libido, but he soon discovered he was mistaken.  Also, based on their work in couples therapy, they changed how they engaged in sex, and he realized that her libido was just as strong as his (see my articles: Understanding Your Sex Script, Changing Your Sex Script - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Once Bob did the things that got Jane turned on, she became much more orgasmic (see my article:  Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Woman- Part 1 and Part 2).  This made sex much more enjoyable for both of them (see my article: What is Good Sex?).

As Jane and Bob became more comfortable talking about what they did and didn't like sexually and they made changes to their sex script, their sex life improved (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences - Part 1 and Part 2).

They also discovered in couples therapy that they each had particular sexual fantasies they liked to think about and possibly explore (see my articles:  Exploring and Normalizing Sexual Fantasies Without Guilt or Shame).

What If You Feel Too Ashamed to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?

There are many couples who feel too ashamed to talk to each other about what they enjoy sexually.  This can be due to their cultural background, family history, religious background, unresolved sexual trauma or many other issues.

For instance, Jack and Alice, who were married for five years, both came from traditional religious families where sex was strictly forbidden before marriage and was never even spoken about.  

Prior to getting married, they both agreed they would wait until after they were married to have sex.  They both assumed sex would automatically be enjoyable once they were married.  But neither of them had been sexual with anyone else prior to their relationship, and they both felt shy and inexperienced with each other.

Since they wanted to have children, they focused on procreative sex where the goal was for Alice to get pregnant.  Both of them thought of procreative sex as a duty to each other and their community rather than something that either of them could enjoy.

After Alice got pregnant, she wasn't interested in being sexual and Jack felt he would make Alice uncomfortable initiating sex until they wanted to have another child.  Although he felt like sexual enjoyment was missing from their marriage, he didn't dare bring it up because he felt ashamed of his need for sexual enjoyment.

As time went on, Jack secretly masturbated in the shower.  But one day Alice walked in on him.  They both got embarrassed and she quickly walked out. Afterwards, they were awkward around each other for the rest of the day.  

At night, when they were both in bed with the lights off, Jack suggested they talk.  At first, Alice was silent, but she eventually responded. She said she didn't masturbate and she wasn't sure how she felt about Jack masturbating.

Later that week, they decided to speak with their pastor about it.  Neither of them felt comfortable talking to him but, after a period of awkward silence, Jack told the pastor about the incident where Alice caught him masturbating in the shower and how they wondered if this was "unnatural" or a sin.

The pastor assured the couple that masturbation is common and not sinful at all.  Both Jack and Alice were relieved.  Then, Jack told the pastor that both he and Alice were inexperienced sexually before getting married, neither of them felt comfortable talking to each other about sex, and they didn't have anyone in their lives they felt comfortable talking to about it.  In response, the pastor encouraged them to seek help with a couples therapist who works with couples on sexual issues.

With their pastor's encouragement, the couple sought help in couples therapy.  During the first few sessions, they both felt hesitant, but their couples therapist normalized their feelings and encouraged them to talk (see my article: Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Sexual Problems).

Their couples therapist also provided them with psychoeducation about enjoying rec-relational sex and about sex scripts.  She also encouraged them to talk to each other about their sexual fantasies.  At first, Alice said she didn't think she had sexual fantasies, but as she learned more about fantasies, she realized she did, in fact, have them from time to time.

Over time, Jack and Alice gradually discovered they could change their sex script to include oral sex, which would be more pleasurable for Alice.  When they returned to their next couples therapy session, Alice was happy to report that she had her first ever orgasm.

Up until that point, they both thought Jack had a much higher sexual libido than Alice.  But, as they experimented sexually, they discovered that she just wasn't turned on by what they had been doing before they incorporated oral sex.  They also learned that many women weren't able to have an orgasm by penetrative (penis in vagina) sex alone, so including oral sex made sex much more pleasurable.

Over time, Jack and Alice developed a much more satisfying sex life together as they became  more comfortable communicating with each other and they became more sexually adventurous.

Conclusion

Many couples feel shy and awkward talking to each other due to a combination of problems.  Some of them were raised to think that sex was shameful.  Others, who were inexperienced sexually, believed that sex was only for procreative purposes and they didn't feel comfortable actually enjoying sex.  

In addition, some individuals, who have responsive desire, need more time to get turned on, so their partner, who might get turned on more easily, needs to be patient to take the time to pleasure their partner.  For instance, if one partner has been under a lot of stress and they have a hard time making the transition from their stressful day, the other partner might initiate with a pleasurable massage.

Most couples respond well in couples therapy with a therapist who can provide them with psychoeducation about sexual pleasure, help them to overcome any guilt and shame and also assist them to change their sex script.

Getting Help in Therapy

Problems with sexual discrepancy are common in committed relationships.

If you and your partner are struggling sexually, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist who helps couples to overcome sexual problems.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 2: How to Close the Gap

In Part 1 of Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men, I focused on defining the problem and the contributing factors involved with the orgasm gap based on the book, Becoming Cliterate by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz. In this article I'm focusing how to close the orgasm gap (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script). 

How to Close the Orgasm Gap

How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

• Since only 25-30% of women have orgasms based on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex alone, there's a need for both women and men to understand that most women--a whopping 95%!--need clitoral stimulation--either alone or in addition to PIV (individual women vary on what they need, so communication between sex partners is essential: see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Since the clitoris is key to women's orgasms, there needs to be greater awareness and understanding about the clitoris.  This is true for everyone, but it's especially true for millennials because so many young men get so much misinformation about sex and what women like sexually from porn.  Also, so many young women think they're abnormal if they don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse (PIV) alone.

• The term "foreplay" implies it happens before the "main event," which is usually understood to be penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  It sounds like it's the appetizer before the main course, which also implies that it's less important than PIV sex.  As a result, the word "foreplay" undermines the very sexual activities, like clitoral stimulation, that are so important for women's orgasms, and some sex experts recommend that the term "foreplay" be abolished.  

• While orgasm is usually important for many men and women, focusing on sexual pleasure, instead of a goal-oriented focus on orgasm alone, would enhance sex for both people.  As sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure" (see Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life).

• Women can learn to make their own sexual pleasure at least as important as their male partner's pleasure, which includes developing an increased awareness of what is sexually pleasurable for them as individuals.  Once they understand what's pleasurable for them, women also need to learn to voice their sexual needs to their partners (see my articles:  Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self  and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex):

• Exploring their own bodies sexually through touch and solo pleasure (masturbation) can help women to understand what is pleasurable for them and also become aware that they can provide themselves with pleasure without relying on a partner, including:

• looking at and appreciating their naked bodies in the mirror, especially their vulva and clitoris

• engaging in self touch/solo pleasure

• using sex toys 

• attending sex-related workshops led by professional sex experts          

• Men need to learn how to pleasure women generously with oral sex (see Dr. Ian Kerner's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman): 

• Instead of being in a goal-oriented rush for the woman to have an orgasm, men need to listen to what women want sexually. They also need to take their time with oral sex.  

• Men need to be aware that few things turn women off as much as when they feel their male sexual partner is in a hurry or approaches oral sex like it's a "chore."

• As a society, we need to stop body shaming women for not being thin or having a particular body type.  There needs to be an increased awareness of how our society perpetuates body shame in the mass media, movies and pornography.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to overcome personal obstacles, you're not alone.

You could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to your happiness and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I'm a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1

According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist and sex therapist who wrote Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters And How to Get It, there's a huge orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  The focus of this article will be on identifying the problem and the contributing factors (see my articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

According to Dr. Mintz, a recent survey of thousands of men and women reveals that 91% of men versus only 64% of women said they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter.  

Dr. Mintz also cites another recent survey where only 57% of women said they had orgasms most or every time they had sex with a male partner, but their partners had orgasms 95% of the time.

Why is There an Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women?

So what's going on?  Dr. Mintz cites a number of reasons for the orgasm gap, including:

• An Overvaluation of Intercourse: The most common way for heterosexual men to have an orgasm in partnered sex is through intercourse, also known as penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  This has lead to an undervaluation of women's most common way, which is through clitoral stimulation.  

• This cultural valuation is usually seen in mainstream movies, social media and porn.  Women are regularly seen as having orgasms with intercourse alone--with little to no clitoral stimulation.
• As a result, this perpetuates the misinformation about women's orgasms and PIV sex.

• A Sexual Double Standard:  Our cultural double standard is that women are judged more harshly for having casual sex than men.  This often leads to women feeling conflicted, guilty and ashamed, which makes it harder for them to enjoy sex.

• A Focus on Women Being Desirable to Men Instead of Focusing on Their Own Sexual Desires: The message that women should focus on being desirable to men (instead of focusing on their own desires) is everywhere--from social media, popular magazines, movies, porn, and so on.  

• This message, which is so common, causes women to focus on how they look instead of how they feel.
• The message is that women's main role is to pleasure men instead of believing that sex involves both giving and receiving pleasure.
• A related problem is that many women don't like their bodies because thin women are often portrayed as being sexy.  

• An Overall Problem With Sex Education in the US: Most sex education in the United States focuses almost exclusively on the dangers of sex, including pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) instead of the pleasures involved with sex.  

• This emphasis on the dangers of sex to the exclusion of fun and pleasurable sex makes it less likely that sex will be perceived as pleasurable.

• A Lack of Communication About Sex: As part of sex education, most people--both women and men--get little to no training on how to communicate about sex.  

• Since most men have orgasms and many women don't, it's especially important for women's orgasms that there is good communication about sex and orgasms in particular.  
• As compared to men, women have different needs when it comes to having orgasms.  
• Also, individual women have different needs (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

My Next Article:

The focus of my next article will be how to close the orgasm gap:

Part 2: How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from maximizing your potential and leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.