Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 2: How to Close the Gap

In Part 1 of Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men, I focused on defining the problem and the contributing factors involved with the orgasm gap based on the book, Becoming Cliterate by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Laurie Mintz. In this article I'm focusing how to close the orgasm gap (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script). 

How to Close the Orgasm Gap

How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

• Since only 25-30% of women have orgasms based on penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex alone, there's a need for both women and men to understand that most women--a whopping 95%!--need clitoral stimulation--either alone or in addition to PIV (individual women vary on what they need, so communication between sex partners is essential: see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Since the clitoris is key to women's orgasms, there needs to be greater awareness and understanding about the clitoris.  This is true for everyone, but it's especially true for millennials because so many young men get so much misinformation about sex and what women like sexually from porn.  Also, so many young women think they're abnormal if they don't have an orgasm from sexual intercourse (PIV) alone.

• The term "foreplay" implies it happens before the "main event," which is usually understood to be penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  It sounds like it's the appetizer before the main course, which also implies that it's less important than PIV sex.  As a result, the word "foreplay" undermines the very sexual activities, like clitoral stimulation, that are so important for women's orgasms, and some sex experts recommend that the term "foreplay" be abolished.  

• While orgasm is usually important for many men and women, focusing on sexual pleasure, instead of a goal-oriented focus on orgasm alone, would enhance sex for both people.  As sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, "Pleasure is the measure" (see Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life).

• Women can learn to make their own sexual pleasure at least as important as their male partner's pleasure, which includes developing an increased awareness of what is sexually pleasurable for them as individuals.  Once they understand what's pleasurable for them, women also need to learn to voice their sexual needs to their partners (see my articles:  Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self  and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex):

• Exploring their own bodies sexually through touch and solo pleasure (masturbation) can help women to understand what is pleasurable for them and also become aware that they can provide themselves with pleasure without relying on a partner, including:

• looking at and appreciating their naked bodies in the mirror, especially their vulva and clitoris

• engaging in self touch/solo pleasure

• using sex toys 

• attending sex-related workshops led by professional sex experts          

• Men need to learn how to pleasure women generously with oral sex (see Dr. Ian Kerner's book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman): 

• Instead of being in a goal-oriented rush for the woman to have an orgasm, men need to listen to what women want sexually. They also need to take their time with oral sex.  

• Men need to be aware that few things turn women off as much as when they feel their male sexual partner is in a hurry or approaches oral sex like it's a "chore."

• As a society, we need to stop body shaming women for not being thin or having a particular body type.  There needs to be an increased awareness of how our society perpetuates body shame in the mass media, movies and pornography.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to overcome personal obstacles, you're not alone.

You could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to your happiness and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I'm a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1

According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, psychologist and sex therapist who wrote Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters And How to Get It, there's a huge orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women.  The focus of this article will be on identifying the problem and the contributing factors (see my articles: What is Good Sex? Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).

Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men

According to Dr. Mintz, a recent survey of thousands of men and women reveals that 91% of men versus only 64% of women said they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter.  

Dr. Mintz also cites another recent survey where only 57% of women said they had orgasms most or every time they had sex with a male partner, but their partners had orgasms 95% of the time.

Why is There an Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women?

So what's going on?  Dr. Mintz cites a number of reasons for the orgasm gap, including:

• An Overvaluation of Intercourse: The most common way for heterosexual men to have an orgasm in partnered sex is through intercourse, also known as penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex.  This has lead to an undervaluation of women's most common way, which is through clitoral stimulation.  

• This cultural valuation is usually seen in mainstream movies, social media and porn.  Women are regularly seen as having orgasms with intercourse alone--with little to no clitoral stimulation.
• As a result, this perpetuates the misinformation about women's orgasms and PIV sex.

• A Sexual Double Standard:  Our cultural double standard is that women are judged more harshly for having casual sex than men.  This often leads to women feeling conflicted, guilty and ashamed, which makes it harder for them to enjoy sex.

• A Focus on Women Being Desirable to Men Instead of Focusing on Their Own Sexual Desires: The message that women should focus on being desirable to men (instead of focusing on their own desires) is everywhere--from social media, popular magazines, movies, porn, and so on.  

• This message, which is so common, causes women to focus on how they look instead of how they feel.
• The message is that women's main role is to pleasure men instead of believing that sex involves both giving and receiving pleasure.
• A related problem is that many women don't like their bodies because thin women are often portrayed as being sexy.  

• An Overall Problem With Sex Education in the US: Most sex education in the United States focuses almost exclusively on the dangers of sex, including pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) instead of the pleasures involved with sex.  

• This emphasis on the dangers of sex to the exclusion of fun and pleasurable sex makes it less likely that sex will be perceived as pleasurable.

• A Lack of Communication About Sex: As part of sex education, most people--both women and men--get little to no training on how to communicate about sex.  

• Since most men have orgasms and many women don't, it's especially important for women's orgasms that there is good communication about sex and orgasms in particular.  
• As compared to men, women have different needs when it comes to having orgasms.  
• Also, individual women have different needs (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

My Next Article:

The focus of my next article will be how to close the orgasm gap:

Part 2: How to Close the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women

Getting Help in Therapy

If you've been struggling on your own to resolve your problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from maximizing your potential and leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.