Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Texting Could Ruin Your Relationship

In a prior article, I discussed the importance of unplugging from cellphones and other devices in order to have quality time in your relationship (see my article: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Cellphones to Spend Quality Time Together).  In this article, I'm discussing how texting about important issues with your spouse or significant other could be ruining your relationship.

How Texting Could Be Ruining Your Relationship

There's no doubt that texting is a convenient way of communicating when you want to confirm a lunch date or tell someone that you're running late.  But I've seen too many instances in my private practice in New York City where individuals and couples get into trouble by texting about important discussions.

There have been countless times when an individual or a couple comes to see me and begins telling me about an argument with their significant other.  Over time, I've learned, even when people tell me that they were "talking" to their partner, to ask if they were talking in person, over the phone or texting.

Invariably, when there's been an argument, the answer is often that they were texting, and many misunderstandings occurred due to this form of communication.

I usually tell individuals and couples in my private practice to refrain from texting their significant other when the topic is important because there can be too many misunderstandings via text.

Problems With Texting About Important Discussions
If you've having problems communicating with your significant other in person, you will have many more problems if you're texting about serious issues for the following reasons:

• You Can't See Facial Expressions and Body Language With Texts:  So much of what we communicate is interpreted by more than just words.  Facial expression and body language are important components of communicating, and these components are missing from texts.  

• You Can't Read Tone in Texts:  Emojis are a poor substitute for tone.  You might text your significant other a message that you think sounds kind and tactful, but without tone your significant other might read a very different message because s/he is interpreting the message with a different tone.  Lack of tone in texts makes a big difference.

• You Don't Know Why There Are Delays in Responding to Texts:  Many people text during the day while they're at work.  They might be texting to their significant other about a serious issue and the two of them are arguing back and forth when suddenly one of them stops responding.  It might be that s/he had to go into a meeting or the boss stopped by to talk, but it also might be that s/he is angry about the last text.  How do you know what's happening?  You don't--until you hear back from him or her.  In the meantime, you might be fuming because you're interpreting the delay as angry silence.  Before you hear from your significant other again, you could spend the rest of the day being unnecessarily annoyed or worried.

Conclusion
It can be tempting to text when you're unable to talk in person or over the phone, but when it's an important issue, rein in your impulse text.  Wait until you can see your significant other in person so there will be fewer misunderstandings.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse or significant other are having problems communicating, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to overcome the obstacles to having a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Rather than continuing to struggle on your own, you could take the first step by contacting a licensed psychotherapist so that you can free yourself from your current struggles.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.