Dating Challenges: What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Although I know plenty of people who have met their romantic partners on dating apps, there are also many people who find dating apps to be discouraging.

Dating: What Should You Talk About?

In recent years many of my single clients have complained that dating has become difficult  within the last several years (see my article: Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?).

Why Has Dating Become So Difficult?

Many clients complain that the whole process is disheartening and fraught with problems (see my article: Why Do Some People Prefer Dating Apps to Meeting in Person?).

Assuming that two people make it through the initial stages and meet up for a first date, clients complain that the in person experience can be disappointing and awkward.  

Many of them say they're not even sure what to talk because the dating process has become more like a job search with people coming to the first date with many "interview questions" which is their approach to not wanting to waste time if their date isn't a potential match.

In general, these problems include:

• Technology: Dating apps have made dating impersonal for many people. Swiping through hundreds (if not thousands) of profiles can feel like you're in a highly competitive process, especially on dating sites where pictures are the main focus. No doubt dating apps also allow you to potentially meet many more people than you would in person (at least in theory), but many people believe the problems with dating apps outweighs the advantages.

• Know What You Want: Just like anything else, when you only have a vague idea of what you want, the dating experience can be disappointing. So, take some time to figure out what you're looking for (beyond looks) before you begin the process. You can also be reasonably flexible and take into account that you might click with someone who doesn't meet your full criteria because there are certain unexpected qualities you might like about them.

• Ghosting: The impersonal nature of dating also makes it easier to disconnect and disappear without an explanation. Many clients have said this is a regular part of their experience and ghosting has taken a toll on their mental health.

Dating and Ghosting

• Increased Risk: Since you don't always know who you're dealing with, there is an increased risk of being scammed or worse. If you set up a time to meet, always choose a public place. Even if you feel very lonely, don't fall for dating app scams where someone says they have fallen madly in love with you and declares you're in a relationship before you even meet as a way to set up instant intimacy. Then, inevitably, you get the message that they desperately need money for their father's medical bills and they ask you, as their partner, to send them money. You might think you wouldn't ever fall for one of these scams, but when you're lonely and you've had many prior discouraging dating experiences, it's easy to fall for a scam.

• Hook Up Culture: The combination of the technology, which is impersonal, and hook up culture, can create situations where people don't develop the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to be able to meet and date successfully. As a result, there might be a mismatch in terms of what each person wants. If you want to be in a committed relationship but the other person really only wants to hook up, you might be disappointed (see my article: Can Hookups Be Safer and More Satisfying For Heterosexual Women?)

• Loss of Control: Many people who use dating apps feel like they're being compared unfavorably to hundreds of other people on the site. This is often a fair assessment because some daters keep searching on the dating apps because they believe they can always find "someone better" if they keep looking. 

• Difficulty Figuring Out What Other People Want: Just because someone says they want to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean that's what they really want. And, even if they want to be in a relationship, they might not want to be in the type of relationship you want. For instance, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, you might meet many people who want to be in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship and vice versa. Being honest is so important to avoid disappointment and hurt feelings (see my article: What Are Your Dating Expectations?).

• Dating App Burnout: Many clients describe the process of using dating apps as  exhausting. Looking at so many dating profiles and having online conversations with multiple people can be overwhelming. People who use dating apps who don't experience burnout often say that they limit their time on the apps. They designate a certain amount of time and then they get off. They might even take off a few weeks when it becomes too much. 

What Should You Talk About on a First Date?

Assuming you're able to navigate all the challenges involved with dating apps, another challenge is what to talk about on the first date.

Obviously, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, but I think it's important to try to maintain an open and positive attitude while being discerning in the process.

Here are some tips you might find helpful for conversations on a first date:

• Be Curious: Instead of just talking about yourself, which is a common complaint among people who date, get curious about the person you're with. This doesn't mean asking them 100 questions. Instead focus casually on what you want to know about them.

What Do You Talk About on a First Date?

• Be Reasonably Open : While you're not going to share your whole life story or talk about all your exes or bad dating experiences, be appropriately open to talking about yourself in a way that let's your date know who you are. Keep it light. You can talk about your interests, hobbies, travel experiences, for instance, but try not to be so open that you're divulging things about yourself that will make your date cringe or make you feel embarrassed afterwards.

• Don't Dominate the Conversation: You want to be open and curious but, as previously mentioned, you don't want to engage in a monologue which will make your date look for the nearest exit. You're not responsible for carrying the whole conversation, so let your date take part in the conversation too.

• Feeling Awkward? You Might Say So: It's reasonable to feel a little awkward on a first date. Instead of pretending to feel more confident than you actually feel, admit to feeling a little awkward. This will probably take some pressure off you. It might also help your date to relax a little too because, chances are, they're feeling awkward too. By admitting this, you might even laugh about it and ease some of the tension.

Feeling Awkward During a First Date is Common

• Avoid Certain Topics: If you continue to date this person, there will be time to talk about certain topics that are important to you, but don't do it on the first date or too early on in the dating experience. Generally, topics to avoid include:
• Religion 
• Politics 
• Past Relationships
• Your Finances (or theirs)
• Your Traumatic Experiences (or theirs)

• Stick to Topics That Help You Get to Know Each Other in a Comfortable Way: For a first date, there are many topics that will help you to get to know each other without veering into cringeworthy subjects. These topics include:
• Travel
  
• Hobbies
• Special Interests
• Books
  
• Movies, and so on

• Don't Set Up False Expectations About Future Dates: You might realize that you and your date aren't a good match, but you might also feel awkward about how to handle this situation. There's an episode on "Friends" where Chandler dates Rachel's boss, Joanna. After the first date, he knows he doesn't want to see her again, but he doesn't know what to say so he tells her that he'll call her when he knows he has no intention of calling her. He just doesn't know how to handle that awkward silence at the end of their lunch date. Although it might be awkward, try to:

• Be polite and tactful

• Acknowledge what you enjoyed the date and getting to know them.

• At the same time, tell your date you don't feel a connection so you don't feel it will go any further. It can be awkward, but if you're polite and tactful, your date might appreciate that you're not going to waste their time.

Conclusion

Dating can be challenging, especially if you only use dating apps, as most people do these days.

A First Date: Keep It Light

Depending upon your circumstances, you might find it easier to use a combination of different ways to meet people including: meeting people through groups dedicated to your interests or hobbies, volunteering, asking friends about eligible single friends and going to other in-person events.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples on a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Does "Old School" Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?

I think many people would agree that a lot of the "old school" dating traditions from our parents' and grandparents' time would be considered outdated today (see my article: The Traditional Flirting Style).

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

But given how difficult it is for people to meet in large cities like New York once they're out of college these days, maybe it's time to revisit some old school dating traditions that were tossed out after dating apps became such a common way of dating (see my article: Dating: Why Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person).

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Are Considered Outdated Now

What's considered outdated is dependent upon your personal perspective, so I have no doubt that some people will disagree that these traditions are outdated, but let's take a look at what they are:

• The Man Always Initiated Contact: Although it's still mostly men who initiate contact, women also initiate contact now as part of heterosexual dating. Most people wouldn't lift an eyebrow if a woman initiated a conversation with a man.  These days women aren't relegated to the sidelines in a passive position waiting for the man to make the first move.  And, in my opinion, this is a good thing for both men and women.

• People Went Out on a Date With a Chaperone: In my grandmother's time, a young woman wouldn't even think of going out with a young man unless they were accompanied by a chaperone or two.  Actually, in my grandmother's time, there would be a bunch of relatives from the woman's family walking right behind the couple. Think of the scene from Godfather II when Michael Corleone and Appolonia Vitelli took a walk in her Sicilian neighborhood with her relatives walking right behind her to keep an eye on things.  The idea was a young woman's reputation was at stake if she was alone with a man.  Most people wouldn't be happy with that tradition today.  

• The Man Always Planned Dates: Some women still prefer men to do all the planning for a date, but I think most women don't want to be in the passive position of going along with whatever the man comes up with for their date. Maybe this made sense in the old days when women were much sheltered at home, they didn't get out much and they went from living in their parents' home to their husband's home.  But women these days move out of their parents' home as soon as they're financially able to do so and they have their own money because they work.  In fact, many women are much better date planners than men, so it's not unusual for women to plan at least some of the dates--if not all.  The downside to this is that, if women end up planning all the couple's social events, they're the ones who carry the mental load for this, which is a complaint many women in relationships have these days. 

• The Man Always Paid the Bill: I think this tradition developed years ago because a lot of women didn't work, so they didn't have money to pay for dates.  They might have had a little "mad money" in case they had to take a cab home, but that was usually the extent of it.  Once again, there are divergent views about this. Some people still think men should always pay.  Other people think the man and woman should split the bill. Others feel the man should pay for the first date and then split the bill after the first date.  Some others think the man and woman should take turns paying if they both earn about the same amount. This can be awkward when the the waiter brings the check on the first date, but most people work it out.  

• Women Always Followed the Man's Lead With Regard to Conversations: In my grandmother's day, women were expected to be demur and polite so they let the man lead the conversation.  Serious conversations about marriage, children and sex were considered mostly out of the question on a first date. At the same time, people didn't have as many options as they do now in terms of the type of relationships (e.g., monogamous vs consensual nonmonogamy and everything in between).  So, there's a lot more to talk in terms of what each person is looking for and no one wants to waste time. It seems that people have done a complete 180 degrees in this area where some people bring a list of 38 questions to go over on the first date, like it's a job interview, which can be overwhelming and not fun for anyone. Most people seem to strike a balance on a first date between small talk and finding out about core values.

• Women Didn't Allow Men to Kiss Them on the First Date: This was a pretty strict rule in my grandmother's time. That's not to say that everyone followed it.  It was understood that the man might try, but the woman was supposed to be the
  sexual gatekeeper".  Today it's a matter of personal choice regarding everything from a kiss at the end of the first date to having sex on the first date.  No woman or man should ever feel obligated, and both men and women are more aware of getting consent first (see my article: How to Make Consent Fun).

Dating Etiquette: Consent is Important and Can Be Fun

• Women Played "Hard to Get" Until a Man Made His Intentions Clear: The idea behind this tactic was that a woman would seem more desirable to a man if she was coy and aloof. This was probably acceptable years ago because it gave women some sense of control in dating situations where men were mostly in control. But this also assumed that the only "bargaining power" a woman had years ago was her "virginity" so she needed to hold back for as long as possible or, at least, until marriage (see my article: What Are the Underlying Issues in the Cat and Mouse Game?). While the idea of waiting to have sex until after marriage is mostly considered outdated these days, it's a matter of personal choice: Many women still prefer waiting to have sex until they feel comfortable with a man. Others have no problem hooking up on the first date. There's no right or wrong, as far as I'm concerned. The point is that women have more options today than in my grandmother's time. More options can also add more complexity since things aren't as clear cut these days.  It's also true that attraction plus obstacles is exciting even today, as Sex Therapist Dr. Jack Morin stated in his book, The Erotic Mind. So, some obstacles at the beginning can be more sexually alluring. 

"Old School" Dating Traditions That Might Be Good to Bring Back

Once again, in terms of "old school" dating traditions, each person has to decide on their own what's best for them, but here are a few traditions that might be appealing to some people who are fed up with the current dating scene:

• Use Your Phone to Ask For a Date: Texting is okay for brief communication on logistics, but when it comes to asking someone out on a date, there are often miscommunications with texting--no matter how many emojis you use.  Sure, it's convenient, but you can't hear tone and you can't hear a smile in someone's voice.  

Dating Etiquette in the Past and Now

• Meet People in Person, If Possible: People in their 20s and even early 30s might not remember a time when people met in person once they graduated college because they only have ever experienced dating through dating apps.  It's not that people today never meet in person--they do. But the older you get, the more difficult it is to meet people in person these days. Aside from meeting new people through friends, which becomes harder once you're in your mid-to-late 30s or 40s (once most of your friends are married), most people meet through dating apps which is often a disappointing experience, especially if you live in a big city like New York where the feeling is that someone better is just a swipe away on the app.  It's true there are still private parties, if you're lucky enough to be on private party lists; work situations, if dating colleagues isn't frowned upon at work; and meeting at organized events. But I hear many single people complain that they would much rather meet in person than choosing people based on their dating app profiles, but there aren't as many opportunities as there used to be. So, this seems like a change that could be beneficial.  The people who prefer to meet on apps could still do that and the people who prefer to meet in person would have more in-person opportunities.

• Be Considerate and Respectful: There were always some people who weren't polite when people met in person, but most people developed better social skills. Part of this was probably that they had more practice interacting with people in person instead of in such an impersonal way online.  There hardly ever such a thing as being ghosted or, at least, it wasn't as common as it is today. Again this was probably because the consequences of ignoring people in person was greater, since you would see them again, as compared to the anonymity that dating apps provides.  

• Know You're on a Date as Opposed to Just "Hanging Out": There's something refreshing about someone--whether it's the man or woman--saying they would like to go out on a date instead of being vague and asking the other person to "hang out." It's understandable that sometimes you might not be sure how interested you are in the other person, but that's what dating is about--finding out how interested you are in each other.  There's a risk that you might be rejected if you acknowledge you're attracted to the other person, but it makes things a lot clearer from the beginning rather than each person wondering or misunderstanding the intention of seeing each other.

• Spend as Much Time Finding Out About Your Date as You Do Talking About Yourself: As mentioned previously, men were expected to take the lead conversing in the old days. Since women were expected to be much more demur, they probably said a lot less about themselves.  But these days, it's a good idea not monopolize the conversation with details of your life and to show interest in your date by asking appropriate questions.

• Putting Your Phone Away During the Date: It's rude to have a phone on the table--except if you're expecting an urgent call.  Put your phone away. At the very least, turn it off and put it face down, but off the table is best. This way you can pay attention and remain attuned to your date without getting distracted.  

Dating Etiquette: Turn Off and Put Away Your Phone

Making Personal Choices

The dating world is much more flexible now than it used to be, which also makes it a lot more complex because there aren't explicit rules. 

Even if you just want to date casually, being polite and considerate will usually make things go more smoothly.  

Treating people like you want to be treated is still a good tradition to follow.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?

One of the biggest complaints today among people who are dating is that, compared to dating in the past, the dating world today has become so difficult and often discouraging (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other).  I'll be exploring why dating was so much easier in the past in this article.

Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?

Why Was Dating So Much Easier in the Past?

There are many reasons why dating was easier and a more satisfying experience in the past:

• Meeting in Person vs on Dating Apps: Unless you're in your 20s or younger, you probably remember a time before dating apps when dating was a lot simpler than it is today.  Part of the reason for that is that you would meet people in person. You would go out to a social event, a friend's party, a club, a dance, a discussion group or some other social event, and you would meet people in person.  The other alternative is that a friend might fix you up on a blind date.  Today dating apps are convenient, but there are thousands of choices on these apps which can lead to an endless and obsessive feeling of there being "someone better" out there.  This attitude often leads to bypassing many good potential choices. Instead of taking the time to get to know someone better, people can get stuck in an endless cycle of first dates that go nowhere because they're focused on that next elusive person who might be "someone better."

• Getting a Vibe About Someone in Person: When you met someone in person, aside from the initial physical attraction, you would get a "vibe" about that person.  If there was a spark of an attraction between you, you would probably exchange phone numbers and go out on a date later that week.  Today, even when dating apps have detailed profiles, most people are making choices based solely on looks instead of an overall first impression you get from meeting someone in person.

• Making an Effort With Someone You Liked: In the past, there was a recognition that you would have to make an effort to win someone over.  Both people would try to put their best foot forward in a romantic way. Today when someone wants to ask someone out on a date, s/he usually doesn't even call--they text.  That takes minimal effort and it's devoid of romance.

• Taking the Time to Get to Know Someone You Liked: More likely than not, in the past you weren't dating several people at the same time, especially if you hit it off with someone special, because you and the person you like wanted to see if something more would develop between you.  You would know that dating multiple people at once wouldn't allow for a potential romance to develop. So, when you were focusing on that special person you liked, you would try to connect with them on a deeper level. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen nearly as often today in the fast paced world of online dating.

• Dating With a Purpose: Developing a Relationship: As compared to the more superficial world of hooking up, dating had a purpose in the past, and the purpose was to try to figure out if you wanted to be in a relationship with the person you were dating. This isn't to say that there aren't people today who want to be in a relationship because there definitely are. This is what leads to so much frustration and dissatisfaction. People who want to be in a relationship are frustrated and discouraged by the superficiality of the dating app world.  Also, overall, dating is complicated today because people have many different choices about the type of relationship they want to be in. Rather than just dating with the idea of entering into a potential "forever relationship," there's the possibility of hooking up or some other form of casual relationship (see my articles: The Pros and Cons of Friends With Benefits (FWB).

• Knowing What You Want: Many choices can lead to confusion about what you want.  When dating someone special meant that the two of you were trying to see if you were compatible enough to enter into a relationship, it was generally understood what was wanted and expected. But today so many people seem confused about what they want. Whereas in the past a question like, "Do you want to be in a relationship?" was a relatively simple question, today this same question elicits confusion from people.

• Understanding Where You Stand With the Person You're Dating: In the past, it was more likely that you would know where you stood with the person you were dating.  There was clearer communication and most people were better at talking about their feelings as compared to today. Since people had more experience meeting in person, talking on the phone, having more in depth conversations and knowing what was expected of them, they communicated better with each other. Today what often passes for a "conversation" is a few lines of text messaging, which is much more impersonal than talking on the phone and certainly more impersonal than talking in person. More often this superficial communication can lead to confusion and mixed messages (see my article: The Connection Between Ambivalence and Mixed Messages).

• Developing Better Social Skills From Dating: In the past, people developed better social skills and knew how to interact better as a result of their dating experiences. Dating helped to improve overall social skills because people were interacting more in person, making more of an effort, approaching dating with a purpose, and taking the time to get to know each other. As a result, they learned valuable social and interpersonal skills through dating--even if dating didn't result in a long term relationship. A first date was more about having a conversation and making a good first impression than it was about showing up with a checklist of questions for your date or ticking off boxes.

• Breaking Up Was Cleaner: Overall, before the age of online dating and social media, when you broke up with someone, it was generally a clearer and cleaner process. Usually, you would have a discussion in person and, ideally, have closure.  But today people are breaking up with each other via text messages.  This can leave the person who is being broken up with feeling confused, angry and abandoned.  Also, in the past, you might occasionally run into the person you were dating, but you wouldn't have to be concerned about seeing what was going on in their life on social media. Also, you wouldn't have to be concerned about all the posts and pictures of the two of you that would live on forever online.

Since dating is a topic that interests many people, I'll focus on this topic in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In a previous article, Confusing Sexual Attraction With Love, I began a discussion about the difference between lust and love because so many people confuse the two.  In this article, I'll be discussing why intense sexual chemistry by itself isn't enough for a long term relationship and the signs that your relationship might be based on lust and not love.

Sexual Chemistry and Dopamine Highs During the Initial Stage of Dating

During the initial stage of dating when sexual chemistry and dopamine levels are soaring, it's easy to confuse lust and love.  This is especially true when one or both people really want to be in a long term relationship. The strong need for love and commitment can delude someone into believing that there's more to the relationship than there really is.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love

In the age of dating apps it's never been easier to confuse love and lust.  Many of these apps, especially the hook up apps, are set up for people to choose potential dates based on sexual attraction alone (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Although physical attraction and sexual chemistry are an important part of any new relationship, when that's all there is, it's not going to result in a lasting relationship.  More than likely, it will result in a relationship that lasts as long as there is intense sexual chemistry.  Once that's gone, the relationship often fizzles out.

You Want a Committed Relationship But Your Partner Wants Friends With Benefits (FWB)

If it's understood by both people that your relationship is about hooking up and Friends With Benefits (FWB) and not about being in a long term relationship, there's nothing wrong with that.  

But it's often the case that one person in the relationship wants more of a long term commitment and the other doesn't.  She or he might be willing to wait a while hoping that a deeper relationship will develop from a mostly sexual relationship, but when it doesn't, that's when arguments and resentment begin.

The person who wants a "forever relationship" usually begins complaining that, while sex might be great, the other person isn't meeting their emotional needs.  And the person who only wants a sexual relationship often cuts out at that point because s/he really can't meet the other person's emotional needs and the demands become too burdensome for him or her.

7 Signs That Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not on Love

As painful as it might be, it's important to recognize and accept a relationship dynamic for what it is and not for what you want it to be.  If you're constantly trying to get a deeper commitment from a partner, over time this is going to erode your self esteem and, if you're already lacking self confidence, you're going to feel even more insecure.

7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love:

• 1. You Only Think and Talk About Sex With Your Partner: While it's important in any relationship to be able to talk about sex and what turns you on, if that's the only thing the two of you talk about, your relationship is probably not developing into something more substantial.  Talking about sex is fun, exciting and a turn on, but if you want a long term relationship, the two of you need to form a deeper connection, if that's possible, by talking about things that are meaningful to you.  If both of you want a deeper relationship, you need to find a way to build more emotional intimacy into your relationship and not just sexual intimacy.  If not, the relationship remains shallow and probably won't last long.

• 2. You're Only Happy When You're Having Sex With Your Partner: If you're not happy with your partner outside the bedroom, it's often a sign that there's not much else going on in your relationship and your emotional needs aren't being met. You might not have shared interests, hobbies or like the same things.  Without more substantial interests and mutual friends, your relationship is going to remain shallow, and if you want a long term relationship, it's going to be a disappointing experience. 

• 3. You Always Stay Home With Your Partner: Instead of going out on dates and having new experiences outside the bedroom, the two of you stay home all or most of the time.  If one or both of you want a deeper, more committed relationship, the two of you need to be more than just a booty call for each other.  Going out and having new experiences helps to deepen your connection and give depth to your relationship.

• 4. You Only Spend Time Together Late at Night: If you're only getting together late at night, more than likely you're in a booty call situation.  Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like you or your partner work unusual hours, only spending late night hours together isn't the basis for a long term relationship.

• 5. You're Not Emotionally Vulnerable With Each Other: To develop a deeper, more emotionally intimate relationship, you need more than just sexual intimacy--you need emotional intimacy.  Opening up with each other emotionally is one way to develop emotional intimacy.  This assumes that both you and your partner have the desire and maturity to do this, and you trust each other enough to be vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

• 6. You Only Make Up After Arguments By Having Sex: While "make up sex" is hot and fun, part of developing an emotionally intimate relationship is that arguments and differences are talked about and worked through.  If the two of you only make up by having sex, nothing gets worked through and, as a result, you're going to keep having the same problems and the same arguments over and over again.  To build a deeper connection, the two of you need to be able to talk through your differences and come to a resolution.  

• 7. You Don't Trust Your Partner: Trust is the cornerstone of any committed relationship. While you might not have a commitment to be exclusive with one another when you first start dating, if you're several months or more into the relationship and you can't trust your partner to be monogamous, you're lacking a basic ingredient in your relationship--trust.  Wishing and hoping that your partner will one day be monogamous with you isn't the basis for a long term relationship because no amount of wishing can make it happen.  While it's true that some people change and can make more of a commitment, you have to be honest with yourself about the current status of your relationship. If you think you're with a player and you're constantly checking your partner's phone or looking to see if s/he is still on a dating app to hook up with other people, you're not going to feel good about yourself or the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Oxytocin, Trust and Empathy).

Know What You Want, Be Willing to Say It, and See Your Relationship Clearly For What It Is

Denial can be very powerful, and it's easy to delude yourself when you have a strong wish that clouds your vision as to the true nature of your relationship. 

If you want a casual sexual relationship, it can be a very enjoyable experience for as long as it lasts, and there's nothing wrong with that--as long as you and your partner are on the same page about it.  But if what the two of you want is different, it's important to acknowledge and come to terms with it or end the relationship.

If you've just gotten out of a long term relationship or you're in the initial getting-to-know-you stage of dating someone, you might not know what you want or what you want from the particular person you're dating. But if you're clear about what you want, it's better not to waste time trying to make the relationship into what you want when it's not happening.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're confused about what you want or you have a pattern of getting into dysfunctional relationships, you could benefit from getting help in therapy.

A skilled therapist can help you to understand and change self destructive patterns.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.