10 Tips to Help You Open Up With Your Psychotherapist

If you've never been in therapy before or if you haven't had a good experience with a prior therapist, you might find it difficult to open up with a new psychotherapist, so this article will provide you with some tips that can make it easier for you.

Opening Up With Your Therapist

10 Tips For Opening Up With Your Psychotherapist

• 1. Start By Choosing a Therapist Who is Right For You: The most important consideration when you're ready to go to therapy is whether you and any potential therapist you might choose are a good fit. Starting with a new therapist can be an adjustment--especially if you've never been in therapy before. It's a unique relationship where the focus is on you. Before committing to therapy with any particular therapist, you can attend a consultation with a therapist to see if you feel comfortable her. You might not be certain after one consultation, but you can usually tell after a few sessions. Even after you have chosen a therapist, it takes a while to build a rapport with a therapist because you're talking about the most emotionally vulnerable aspects of your life, so give it time. Also, make sure the therapist has the expertise you need for your problems (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

• 2. Think About What You Want to Talk About Before Your Sessions: If you want to get the most out of your therapy sessions, take some time before the session to reflect on what you want to talk about.  Many clients find it helpful to make notes for themselves so they use their time well in session. There are also many other clients who prefer to be more spontaneous in session because that's what works best for them. But if you have problems opening up to talk about yourself, prior reflection can be helpful (see my article: Getting the Most Out of Your Therapy Sessions).

• 3. Talk About Your Fear or Anxiety About Opening Up to Your Therapist: Most therapists know that clients often have a hard time opening up, especially if they weren't encouraged to talk about their feelings when they were growing up. A skilled therapist can help you to get comfortable enough to explore your fear or anxiety about opening up so you can eventually open up.  If a therapist is a mind-body oriented therapist, she can help you to get more comfortable with breathing or grounding exercises.

• 4. Consider Your Therapy Sessions a Collaboration Between You and Your Therapist: Therapy is a team effort.  Gone are the days when therapists just listened to you talk and after a while made an interpretation that was supposed to unlock profound insights. These days therapy is much less hierarchical and there's a recognition that clients and therapists work together in therapy to make it a meaningful experience. Although your therapist can help you to speak about difficult topics, you have the responsibility for initiating what you want to talk about.  Therapists aren't advisors, so they won't provide you with answers to your problems, but they can help you through the process (see my article: Psychotherapy as a Collaborative Effort Between Client and Therapist).

Opening Up With Your Therapist

• 5. Take Some Time Before the Session to Relax, If Possible: It's understood that most people lead busy lives, but if it's possible for you to take even a few minutes before your session, do some breathing or stretching to help you relax before the session starts.

• 6. Keep Your Therapy Appointments on a Regular Basis and Come On Time: In order to keep the momentum going in your therapy, you need to come regularly. It's understood that you might have to cancel once in a while (make sure you know your therapist's cancellation policy), but weekly sessions are generally the expectation.  Coming on time allows you to have the full benefit of the therapy time because sessions start and end at the appointed time, so if you're late, you won't get a full session (see my article: How to Keep the Momentum Going in Your Therapy).

• 7, Keep the Focus on Your Sessions Without Distractions During Your Appointment: This means you don't have any other distractions (e.g., phones, pets, etc) so you can stay focused on your session. If you're having an online session, make sure you have absolute privacy. Therapy sessions where you don't have privacy are considered unethical and therapists won't conduct a session under those circumstances. 

Opening Up With Your Therapist

• 8. Recognize That Therapy is a Process: You might not feel comfortable divulging the most vulnerable parts of yourself during the initial stage of therapy and that's alright. Give it time.  If you have issues opening up about a particular topic that you would like to work on, tell your therapist about your difficulty so she can help you to get comfortable (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear and Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

• 9. Opening Up Usually Gets Easier Over Time: Assuming you and your therapist are a good match, opening up usually becomes easier over time as you build a rapport with your therapist and develop trust and confidence.  This is also part of the process.

• 10. Talk About the Therapy With Your Therapist: If you're not sure about the process, talk to your therapist about it. Whether you're in the initial stage of therapy or you have been attending for a while, you can talk to your therapist about how you think therapy is going.  Many therapists do a check-in with clients periodically to see how the clients are feeling about the therapy, but you can talk about the therapy at any time, especially if there's something you don't understand or an area where you and your therapist don't agree. It's also a good idea to talk about the therapeutic relationship and whether you think it's going well.  If there's anything you feel went wrong in a session, bring it up so it can be addressed as soon as possible (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy).

Conclusion

You can usually get a sense of whether you and your therapist are a good match.  If it's not a good match, you can tell your therapist rather than ghosting her. Experienced therapist are aware that every therapist isn't for every client, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Most clients get comfortable opening up over time, but if you have a particularly difficult time and you're aware that you and your therapist are a good match, bring up your difficulty in your therapy session.

Your therapist can help you to identify and work on overcoming whatever emotional obstacles might be getting in your way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

Technology has made it easier than ever to connect with others for job hunting, dating and connecting with friends and family.  However, technology has also made it easier to disappear without communicating in dating relationships, serious relationship--and even in therapy.

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a term used to describe someone leaving a relationship by suddenly disappearing without an explanation. People who use ghosting as a way to leave a relationship withdraw without any further communication.  

Being Ghosted Feels Sad, Confusing and Frustrating

In addition, people who use ghosting often don't respond to the other person when they try to find out what happened, which can create confusion, sadness, feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Being Ghosted Can Cause You to Feel Rejected

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

There can be many reasons why people choose to use ghosting as a way of withdrawing from a relationship.

Here are a few of the most common reasons:

• Fear of Confrontation: Many people don't have the necessary relationship and communication skills to end a relationship. Since they don't know how to communicate their feelings and they are afraid of a confrontation, they just withdraw.  This type of emotional avoidance allows them to leave without the messiness they fear if they were to communicate directly (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People).

Ghosting and Fear of Confrontation

• Avoidance of Responsibility: Some people don't know how to take responsibility for their feelings. So, they avoid taking responsibility by disappearing from the other person's life. 

• Poor Interpersonal and Communication Skills: Many people haven't developed the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to date or be in a relationship, so when there's a need for a difficult conversation, they choose to silently withdraw.

• A Lack of Empathy: People who use ghosting to leave a relationship often have problems putting themselves in the other person's shoes to anticipate how hurtful it is to be ghosted. In addition, due to their lack of insight, they often don't understand the confusion they create by ghosting or, if they understand, they don't care.

Are There Warning Signs That Someone Might Ghost You?

People who get ghosted are often surprised, but there are often warning signs that someone might ghost you if things aren't going well.

There is no one particular sign that points to the possibility of being ghosted, but if you see a few of the following dynamics, this could indicate someone who might ghost you:

• A History of Ghosting: Someone who has ghosted before will often do it again. If there's a history of ghosting that you become aware of while you're seeing someone, be aware they might do it to you.

• A History of Only Short Term Dating Relationships: If the person you're seeing has only been in short term dating relationships that last a few months or weeks, this could be a warning sign that they have problems committing and, therefore, tend to leave after a short period of time. 

• A Problem Forming a Meaningful Connection With You: If you're dating someone and you recognize that they have problems forming a meaningful connection with you, this could indicate that they don't know how to form connections and that ending a relationship will be even harder for them, which could lead to ghosting (see my article: Relationships: A Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).

• Inconsistent Communication: If you notice that someone's pattern of communication with you is inconsistent or it takes them a long time to respond to you, this could indicate that they're about to fade from your life. Ghosting often begins with communication becoming more infrequent until they just slip out of your life.

• A Reluctance to Commit to Plans: If you notice that the person you're seeing cancels at the last minute or is reluctant to make plans altogether, this could indicate that they're ambivalent about the relationship and, possibly, they're planning to ghost you.  

How to Cope With Ghosting

Unfortunately, ghosting is common among people who don't know how to express themselves when they want to end a relationship and, as mentioned earlier, technology has made it easier for emotionally avoidant people to use ghosting as their exit strategy.  

Being ghosted can create confusion, self doubt and feelings of rejection, sadness and anger. It's also frustrating when you don't know what happened and the person who ghosted you is unresponsive when you try to contact them.

Being ghosted can also make you feel reluctant to date again because you fear it will happen to you again. 

Seek Emotional Support From Trusted Loved Ones: 

Talk to trusted loved ones and get emotional support. 

Close friends and family can help to validate your feelings and remind you how much they care about you.  

Emotional Support From Friends

Write in a Journal: 

Since ghosting can be so confusing, especially if you didn't see any warning signs, writing in a journal can help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. 

It can also help you to release your hurt, anger and frustration.

Writing in a Journal

Get Help in Therapy:

It's not unusual for an experience of ghosting to trigger unresolved trauma related to feeling rejected and abandoned.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to work through these feelings in a way you often can't on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can overcome emotional pain, release unresolved trauma, and move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1

In the world of dating, there have always been people who like to play mind games with their dates and potential partners.  This isn't anything new. But there's a particular form of game playing that's usually especially manipulative and sadistic, and it's called "breadcrumbing."

Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You?

What is Breadcrumbing?

Many people who have been hurt in relationships complain about being "ghosted" when the person they're involved with loses interest in them.

Ghosting occurs when someone ends a relationship abruptly with no explanation or communication.  The person who has been abandoned is left to wonder what happened and to pick up the emotional pieces after the ex has left.

Some people, who engage in ghosting in their relationships, even ghost their psychotherapist by disappearing from therapy without an explanation and being unresponsive to their therapist's efforts to find out what happened (see my article: Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You).

Breadcrumbing is worse than ghosting.  Breadcrumbing is usually the intentional act of leading a person on just to experience an ego boost and to control and dominate the other person and their situation.  There's no intention to explore a relationship.  

Breadcrumbing involves leading someone on with flattery, flirtatious behavior or sexual innuendos to keep the other person interested and to get attention.  

How Do You Know If Someone is Breadcrumbing You?

People who engage in breadcrumbing (this includes both men and women) are usually adept at intermittently drawing someone in, getting that person interested, getting attention from them, and then pulling back.

If someone pulls away, the person who engages in breadcrumbing initiates the cycle again, and it usually looks like this:

• They Send You Intermittent, Meaningless, Vague Messages:  Are you receiving casual messages that mostly lack substance and that occur inconsistently, like "What's up?" or "What's going on?" Occasionally, there might be messages that have some substance, but most of the messages are vague. These messages often come late at night. The purpose of these messages is to hook you in, especially if you're not showing interest or you have pulled away, and get you interested again to boost their ego.  In other words, this person is giving you "breadcrumbs"(or very little) to try to spark your interest--usually sexual interest.  They're also very good at knowing when your interest is beginning to wane, which is when they give you more breadcrumbs to try to get you interested again.
• They Just Want to Hook Up Without Any Commitment:  There's no intention to have a real relationship with you.  When you get together with him or her, s/he moves quickly to sexualize the encounter.  If this is what you want, there's no problem, but if you're looking for something more, you're going to be disappointed because it's not going to happen. 
• They're Noncommittal and Don't Like "Labels": When someone is breadcrumbing you for a superficial relationship or just to hook up, it's nearly impossible to pin them down.  There might be a lot of "checking in" via message or text, but it's hard to get a commitment from them as to when the two of you will get together--unless it's a spontaneous hook up.  Often, they'll tell you, conveniently, that they're "not into labels," which gives them a lot of wiggle room to make their encounters with you whatever they want at the time.
• You Might Doubt Yourself: After a few cycles of this moving towards you and then pulling back, you might begin to doubt yourself and what's going on between the two of you: Are they really interested in you or not?  Sometimes it seems that they are and other times it seems they're not.  Unless you know that you're dealing with a "player," you can really begin to lose confidence in yourself and your ability to figure out what's going on.
• You Don't Feel Good About Yourself:  After a while, all this push-pull behavior on their part can have a negative impact on your self esteem, especially if you like them.  If you're unaware of what's happening, you might think there's something wrong with you or that you did something wrong.  But, in fact, there's nothing wrong with you--this is all part of their game.
• They Get Defensive When You Call Them on Their Behavior:  Needless to say, people who engage in this behavior don't want to be called out on it.  If you confront them, they get defensive and, possibly, passive aggressive towards you.  They might try to blame you by telling you that you're imagining things or that you're making a "big thing out of nothing."

What to Do About Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is usually intentional behavior, as previously mentioned.  But there are times when people who engage in this behavior do it unconsciously.  They might genuinely be interested in you, but their fear of being emotionally vulnerable or making a commitment keeps them from taking the relationship to the next level. When this happens they might unconsciously try to reengage you because they don't want to let you go.  But after a while, you begin to feel all the same negative feelings that people do when they're dealing with a player who is doing it intentionally.  At that point, you would have to decide if you want to continue to get hurt or if you want and deserve something better.

Even though they don't like to be called out on their behavior, if you recognize that you're being manipulated, it's important for your own sense of self worth to either call them out or stop engaging with them altogether.

If you recognize that they are playing games with you and you try to get them interested, you're playing right into their hands.  This is what they want because, more than anything, even though they're not really interested in you, they want your attention.  So, if you disengage from them, remain consistent in your withdrawal from them, and don't allow them to prey upon you, they will usually move onto the next unsuspecting person.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical vignette to illustrate the dynamics of breadcrumbing:
Part 2: A clinical vignette about breadcrumbing
Part 3: Getting help in therapy if you think he's stringing you along

Getting Help in Therapy

People who engage in breadcrumbing are usually very skilled at choosing people who are emotionally vulnerable.  After all, if you're vulnerable, you're more likely to fall for their manipulation.

If you really get caught up in these games and if you're already emotionally vulnerable, you could get very hurt.  

A skilled psychotherapist, who has seen this behavior many times before, can help you to disentangle yourself from a player and help you to regain your sense of self worth.

Rather than remaining caught in a web of manipulation and game playing, you could develop a stronger sense of self and focus on being with someone who really cares about you.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I also use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples to help resolve relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Ending a relationship can be difficult, and many people try to avoid dealing with endings--whether those endings involve a romantic relationship, family members, coworkers and even psychotherapists. "Ghosting" is a relatively new term to describe when someone disappears from a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship, in order to avoid a conflict or the fear of ending that relationship (see my article: When Clients Leave Therapy Prematurely).

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Ghosting in Psychotherapy 
Clients in psychotherapy often talk about how emotionally painful it is when someone that they were dating ghosts them.

They talk about feeling abandoned, rejected and confused about why the other person disappeared from their life without telling them why.  And yet, some of these same clients will ghost their psychotherapist even when they have had a good therapeutic relationship with them before they disappeared.

Although ghosting a psychotherapist isn't the norm, it happens often enough for psychotherapists to begin talking about it.  Often, clients who ghost their therapist have a long history of passive-aggressive and avoidant behavior in other personal and work-related relationships.

Why Do Clients Ghost Their Psychotherapists?
With the advent of dating apps where people can swipe right or left for their dating preferences, some people haven't developed the necessary tact and interpersonal skills for interacting with others.

I hear from many clients, who are unhappy with online dating, that for many of the people they are meeting online, there is a feeling that there might be "someone better" one swipe away ("better" is often defined as better looking, sexier, richer, smarter, and so on).  So, these people tend to enter into the dating world lacking the interpersonal skills and motivation to get to know people before ghosting them.

Why Ghosting Your Psychotherapist is Harmful to You

Unfortunately, this phenomenon has carried over into the realm of psychotherapy with some clients opting to disappear from therapy rather than talking to their psychotherapist about whatever is bothering them (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About What's Bothering You About Your Therapy).

For people who ghost their psychotherapist, there is often little to no recognition that they have a  relationship with their psychotherapist--a therapeutic relationship, which is, of course, different from a personal relationship, but a relationship nonetheless, and that relationship deserves the respect of any other type of relationship.

As to why clients ghost their psychotherapist, there can be many reasons, including:

• A History of Avoidant Behavior: Some people just haven't learned how to end a relationship in a way that is respectful to the other person and respectful to themselves.  They might have an avoidant attachment style or aspects of that attachment style.  In most cases, they want to avoid any kind of unpleasantness or conflict--even when they know, logically, that their psychotherapist is trained to deal with endings.  

• A Problem With Interpersonal Skills: As mentioned before, some clients haven't developed the necessary social skills for interacting with others.  Either due to inexperience with relationships or a lack of recognition of the importance of relationships, they don't know how to talk about what's bothering them in a relationship and how to end a relationship that's not working for them, including a therapeutic relationship (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Facilitate Emotional Development in Adult Clients).

• A Fear of Emotional Intimacy: A client-therapist relationship is one of the most emotionally intimate relationships that many people have.  For some people, it's the only emotionally intimate relationship they have in their lives, especially if they're not connected to family member, friends or in a romantic relationship.  For clients who have never been in therapy before or who have skipped around to many different therapists without developing a therapeutic relationship, the emotional intensity of the therapeutic relationship can be uncomfortable.  If they have never developed a good therapeutic relationship with a psychotherapist, they might not have anticipated what opening up to a therapist would be like.  For some clients, when the therapy sessions become deeper than they anticipated, they bolt (see my article: Fear of Emotional Intimacy).

• An Early History of Traumatic Endings:  Often ghosting is related to unresolved trauma where there were one or more early traumatic endings.  This might include: being abandoned by a parents early in life, experiencing marital separation or divorce where the parents didn't take the time to talk to the children about the change, sudden evictions from a home, etc.  Someone who has experienced traumatic endings has inadvertently learned that endings are dangerous and should be avoided, so rather than letting their therapist know that they are thinking about leaving therapy, they become too anxious about the ending and just leave (see my article: Fear of Abandonment and Adults Who Were Traumatized As Children Are Often Afraid to Express Their Feelings).

Why is Ghosting Your Psychotherapist Harmful to You?
While it's true that no psychotherapist likes to be ghosted by a client, when clients ghost their psychotherapist, they are mostly harming themselves for the following reasons:

• Your Therapy Often Doesn't Go Beyond the Surface: When you disappear from your therapy, you often cheat yourself from having the experience of going beyond the surface in therapy.  Clients who leave therapy prematurely will often say to their next therapist that they didn't know what else to talk about once they talked briefly about the presenting problem.  A skilled psychotherapist will usually recognize that the client might have been defensively warding off delving deeper into their problems (see my article: Beyond the "Band-aid" Approach to Resolving Your Problems in Therapy).

• You Might Be Avoiding Dealing With Your Problems:  Most, if not all, people begin psychotherapy with a degree of ambivalence.  Even the most motivated clients, who are serious about working on their problems, have some mixed feelings about being in therapy.  So, when you have an urge to disappear from your therapy sessions, you would be wise to ask yourself what you might be avoiding.   You might feel a temporary sense of relief by leaving therapy prematurely, but sooner or later your problems will resurface (usually, it's sooner), and you might be returning to your therapist or looking for another therapist.  If this is a pattern for you, you could reenact this ghosting pattern many times with different therapists and not resolve your problems (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious or Ambivalent).

• You Don't Feel Good About Yourself After Ghosting Your Psychotherapist:  Except in rare cases of the most callous or narcissistic people, most people who have a pattern of ghosting their psychotherapists will often say that they feel shame and guilt afterwards for leaving in such a passive-aggressive way.  If this occurs with one therapist after another, they develop a sense of failure or the misconception that "therapy doesn't work for me."  Before disappearing from therapy, take some time to first reflect upon what you will feel like after the initial sense of relief, especially if you have skipped around a lot from one therapist to another.  

• You Don't Learn to Assert Yourself in a Healthy Way:  Even when it's clear that you and your psychotherapist aren't a good match, rather than disappearing from therapy, you owe it to yourself to assert yourself so you can have a good ending in therapy.  If you have never learned to end a relationship in a healthy way, discussing termination with your psychotherapist is an opportunity to learn how to have a healthy ending.  This means having at least one session to end the therapy--not texting, emailing or leaving a voicemail message telling your therapist that you're ending therapy.  

What Can Psychotherapists Do to Help Clients With a Pattern of Ghosting?
Psychotherapists who recognize that a client has a pattern of ghosting people in relationships can help by doing the following:

• Bring Up the Topic of Ghosting Early On in Therapy For Clients Who Have a Pattern of Ghosting:  Very often, whatever problem a client is having in his or her personal or work life also becomes a problem in therapy.  That's why it's important for a therapist to address the ghosting issue early on in therapy when she hears that a client has a pattern of doing this in relationships.  By bringing up this topic, the therapist lets the client know that she is receptive to hearing any complaints about the therapy or what the client thinks isn't working, so the client knows it's safe to talk about these issues and s/he doesn't have to disappear from therapy at the first sign of a problem.  This provides an opportunity for the client and therapist to talk about other ways of handling uncomfortable feelings, conflict or whatever might be causing the client to want to disappear.  For some clients, this might not be enough to keep them from bolting from therapy when they're uncomfortable, but at least it has been addressed.  It increases the chance that these clients might remember the discussion even after they leave, and they might consider returning (see my article: Starting Where the Client is in Psychotherapy and Why It's Important For Psychotherapist to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation).

• Don't Take It Personally:  Most experienced psychotherapists are trained not to take abrupt endings in therapy personally.  This doesn't mean that the therapist might not have contributed to the abrupt ending in therapy.  It could mean that, even when the therapist made mistakes and had no opportunity for repairing the rupture, this isn't a personal abandonment (although it never feels good to be ghosted).  But if, as a psychotherapist, you experience it as a personal abandonment or if it triggers abandonment issues in you, you would do well to seek help in your own personal therapy to work out these unresolved issues.  Self care is important. You would also probably benefit from working with an experienced supervisor or colleagues who can help you to deal with this issue (see my article: Psychotherapists' Reactions to Their Clients).

• Contact a Client Who Has Disappeared From Therapy: It can be very helpful to a client, who is fearful and avoidant, to hear from his or her therapist that the door remains open to returning.  This is especially true for clients who have been traumatized by unhealthy endings in their family where there was no opportunity to return to repair relationships.  The client might not come back soon or ever, but knowing that the therapist is open to discussing the reasons for leaving, even if the client still wants to end therapy after the discussion, can be a healing experience.  Some clients, who disappear from therapy, return months or years afterwards based on the therapist letting them know that her door remains open to them.  Also, let them know your policy regarding inactive cases (e.g., a client's case would be considered inactive after a month or whatever your policy is).

• Help Clients to Work Through the Issue of Abrupt Endings If They Return: As previously mentioned, some clients return after they have heard from their psychotherapist that they can come back.  For those clients, who might still feel uncomfortable, guilty or ashamed, it's important to address their disappearance from therapy.  This can be a healing experience for the client and the therapeutic relationship (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

Conclusion
Ghosting is phenomenon which occurs for a variety of reasons, in personal relationships, work relationships and therapeutic relationships in psychotherapy.

When ghosting occurs in psychotherapy, it's harmful to the client, who might be perpetuating a pattern of disappearing from relationships or unconsciously recreating trauma from the past.

Psychotherapists, who recognize a pattern of ghosting with particular clients, can help these clients by providing psychoeducation about why ghosting is harmful to them and how to deal with problems directly rather than avoiding them.

When clients, who tend to bolt from relationships, learn to confront their fears in psychotherapy (rather than disappearing from therapy), they can take pride in achieving an important goal.  Learning to deal with problems related to psychotherapy can help clients to develop the necessary skills to deal with problems in their personal relationships and in their career.

Getting Help in Therapy
Rather than struggling alone, you could benefit from seeking help in psychotherapy (see my article:  The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Finding the psychotherapist that's right for you might take time and effort (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Freeing yourself in therapy from a traumatic history can allow you to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.