Coping With Dating Anxiety

When you have anxiety, dating can feel like an exhausting job interview.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

My article discusses both the internal and external hurdles that you might encounter when you're dealing with dating anxiety and how to manage your anxiety:

What Are the Internal Hurdles?

• Overthinking: You don't have to analyze every text, how long it takes the other person to respond to your text and try to interpret whether the person likes you or not by the inclusion or exclusion of emojis (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Overthinking).

• Fear of Rejection: When you shift your focus from "Will they like me?" to "Will I like them?", you can take back your personal power (see my article: Reclaiming Your Personal Power).

• Social Fatigue: Keep the early dates short to manage your anxiety and avoid possible social fatigue where you feel drained by the other person. You can manage dating anxiety by treating early dates as low stake social events rather than high-pressure auditions.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Self Sabotage: Focus on being curious and getting to know the other person. Don't focus only on looking for flaws or red flags that don't exist. Also, don't complain about how horrible online dating is or your prior dating or relationship disasters (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Early Disclosure Anxiety: Don't overshare the details of your mental health concerns or your family trauma on your first date. Also, don't complain about your exes.

• A Constant Need For Reassurance: Avoid asking your date for constant reassurance due to your anxiety. Focus on yourself.

• Settling: Once you have dated the person a few times and you feel the two of you aren't compatible, don't "settle" for the wrong person just to avoid dating anxiety.

Managing Pre-Date Anxiety

Since anxiety thrives on uncertainty, you can minimize the unknown variables before the date to lower your anxiety:

• Limit Time on Dating Apps: Since spending a lot of time on dating apps or waiting for responses can fuel rumination, plan to spend only a limited amount of time on apps. Set a time limit, like 10 or 15 minutes every day or every other day (or whatever works for you) to prevent stress and burnout.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Plan Low Stakes Short Activities: Instead of meeting for dinner, choose short activities, like meeting for coffee or tea. 

• Pick Familiar Territory For Your Date: Suggest a place you already know well. Knowing the layout, the menu or parking situations removes logistical anxiety and stress.

• Have An Exit Plan: You can reduce your anxiety by knowing that you have a short get-together so you don't have to remain for long if you don't want to stay.

Managing Anxiety During the Date

• Stay Grounded: If your mind starts spinning due to anxiety, ground yourself by silently naming things to yourself. For instance, you can choose a color, like blue, and silently notice all the things around you that are the color blue. In this way, you orient yourself to your environment rather than focusing on anxiety. You can also silently focus on how your feet feel on the ground to feel calmer.

• Manage Your Expectations: Remember that a date is like having a conversation. It's not a marriage proposal. Aim for having fun and not for finding your "soulmate".

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Have Topics in Mind to Discuss: If the conversation starts to drag or it gets boring, have a few topics or open-ended questions in mind so you don't become anxious when there are silences.

• Focus on the Here-and-Now: Instead of allowing your anxiety to spin out of control with thoughts like, "He doesn't like me" or "She's bored", focus on the here-and-now rather than the thoughts spinning in your head. Are they smiling? Are they asking you questions? Focus on the present rather than your anxious internal commentary.

Managing Anxiety After the Date

• Establish a Wind-Down Routine For Yourself: Plan a wind-down activity for yourself for after the date. This might include journaling or watching a TV program that is comforting for you. This can ensure that the rest of your day ends on a good note regardless of how the date went.

Coping With Dating Anxiety

• Mute Dating App Notifications: Turn off push notifications on your dating apps. This can stop the addictive dopamine loop and allows you to be in control of when you want to look at the apps.

• Pause Before Texting: If a delayed response from your date triggers a fight-or-flight response in you, put your phone in another room. Take a few slow breaths before writing back to avoid reactive, anxious texts (see my article: 8 Tips For Coping With Triggers).

• Remember Your Autonomy: Remember that you are responsible for managing your emotions. Don't expect a new date to constantly reassure you or alter their texting habits which could put a strain on a new dating relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

If anxiety feels unmanageable or if it is due to prior unhealthy relationships or unresolved trauma, get help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help For Anxiety in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to manage your anxiety by providing you with tools and strategies as well as dealing with the underlying issues that might be fueling your anxiety.

Rather than struggling alone, get help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), IFS and Ego States Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk 

Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or Are You in A Relationship? How to Avoid Misunderstandings 

Why Searching For the "Perfect" Partner Will Disappoint You 

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

 

Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

Technology has made it easier than ever to connect with others for job hunting, dating and connecting with friends and family.  However, technology has also made it easier to disappear without communicating in dating relationships, serious relationship--and even in therapy.

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is a term used to describe someone leaving a relationship by suddenly disappearing without an explanation. People who use ghosting as a way to leave a relationship withdraw without any further communication.  

Being Ghosted Feels Sad, Confusing and Frustrating

In addition, people who use ghosting often don't respond to the other person when they try to find out what happened, which can create confusion, sadness, feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Being Ghosted Can Cause You to Feel Rejected

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

There can be many reasons why people choose to use ghosting as a way of withdrawing from a relationship.

Here are a few of the most common reasons:

• Fear of Confrontation: Many people don't have the necessary relationship and communication skills to end a relationship. Since they don't know how to communicate their feelings and they are afraid of a confrontation, they just withdraw.  This type of emotional avoidance allows them to leave without the messiness they fear if they were to communicate directly (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style of Emotionally Unavailable People).

Ghosting and Fear of Confrontation

• Avoidance of Responsibility: Some people don't know how to take responsibility for their feelings. So, they avoid taking responsibility by disappearing from the other person's life. 

• Poor Interpersonal and Communication Skills: Many people haven't developed the necessary interpersonal and communication skills to date or be in a relationship, so when there's a need for a difficult conversation, they choose to silently withdraw.

• A Lack of Empathy: People who use ghosting to leave a relationship often have problems putting themselves in the other person's shoes to anticipate how hurtful it is to be ghosted. In addition, due to their lack of insight, they often don't understand the confusion they create by ghosting or, if they understand, they don't care.

Are There Warning Signs That Someone Might Ghost You?

People who get ghosted are often surprised, but there are often warning signs that someone might ghost you if things aren't going well.

There is no one particular sign that points to the possibility of being ghosted, but if you see a few of the following dynamics, this could indicate someone who might ghost you:

• A History of Ghosting: Someone who has ghosted before will often do it again. If there's a history of ghosting that you become aware of while you're seeing someone, be aware they might do it to you.

• A History of Only Short Term Dating Relationships: If the person you're seeing has only been in short term dating relationships that last a few months or weeks, this could be a warning sign that they have problems committing and, therefore, tend to leave after a short period of time. 

• A Problem Forming a Meaningful Connection With You: If you're dating someone and you recognize that they have problems forming a meaningful connection with you, this could indicate that they don't know how to form connections and that ending a relationship will be even harder for them, which could lead to ghosting (see my article: Relationships: A Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable).

• Inconsistent Communication: If you notice that someone's pattern of communication with you is inconsistent or it takes them a long time to respond to you, this could indicate that they're about to fade from your life. Ghosting often begins with communication becoming more infrequent until they just slip out of your life.

• A Reluctance to Commit to Plans: If you notice that the person you're seeing cancels at the last minute or is reluctant to make plans altogether, this could indicate that they're ambivalent about the relationship and, possibly, they're planning to ghost you.  

How to Cope With Ghosting

Unfortunately, ghosting is common among people who don't know how to express themselves when they want to end a relationship and, as mentioned earlier, technology has made it easier for emotionally avoidant people to use ghosting as their exit strategy.  

Being ghosted can create confusion, self doubt and feelings of rejection, sadness and anger. It's also frustrating when you don't know what happened and the person who ghosted you is unresponsive when you try to contact them.

Being ghosted can also make you feel reluctant to date again because you fear it will happen to you again. 

Seek Emotional Support From Trusted Loved Ones: 

Talk to trusted loved ones and get emotional support. 

Close friends and family can help to validate your feelings and remind you how much they care about you.  

Emotional Support From Friends

Write in a Journal: 

Since ghosting can be so confusing, especially if you didn't see any warning signs, writing in a journal can help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. 

It can also help you to release your hurt, anger and frustration.

Writing in a Journal

Get Help in Therapy:

It's not unusual for an experience of ghosting to trigger unresolved trauma related to feeling rejected and abandoned.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to work through these feelings in a way you often can't on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled psychotherapist so you can overcome emotional pain, release unresolved trauma, and move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

No wants to be rejected. Being rejected can feel humiliating, and fear of rejection often makes people compare themselves unfavorable to others. They tell themselves they're unlovable, not attractive enough, and generally not good enough (see my article: Overcoming Social Anxiety).

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

This stops them from putting themselves out there--even when they really want to date or be in a relationship (see my article: Relationships: Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection).

How to Flirt Without Being Creepy When You Fear Rejection

Most people don't come of age learning how to flirt.  Usually, there are no classes in school on how to flirt or even how to develop good social skills.  So these skills often feel elusive--as if everyone else knows how to do it and you don't.  But you can overcome your fear of rejection and learn to flirt in a non-creepy way.

What is Creepy Flirting?

A narcissistic player or womanizer, who mistreats women by manipulating and using them sexually, is an obvious creep.  He has a sexual goal in mind and he uses flirting and playful teasing as a way to disarm women and manipulate them into sleeping with him (see my articles: What is Sexual Narcissism - Part 1 and Part 2).

Creepy Flirting

He might hide his lack of confidence and fear of rejection beneath his narcissism long enough for a brief sexual encounter. Then, after he makes his sexual conquest, he moves on to the next woman because his sexual needs are often insatiable.  

But there are other kinds of creepy flirting, so let's focus on some tips for non-creepy flirting when you have a fear of rejection.

Tips For Non-Creepy Flirting When You Fear Rejection

Creepy flirting, whether it's intentional or not, makes the other person feel uncomfortable, unsafe and wary of you. 

These tips apply regardless of sex, gender, age, race or sexual orientation.

• Be Aware and Respect the Other Person's Personal Boundaries: There are physical, emotional and sexual boundaries. When you're trying to meet someone or flirt with them, you need to be able to read their body language and pick up on social cues so you don't violate their boundaries.

• Physical boundaries: 
• Personal space includes the need not to feel physically impinged upon
• Comfort or discomfort with physical touch
• A need to be left alone

Be Aware and Respect Boundaries

• Emotional boundaries:
• Feelings, including the need not to engage with you or explain why they don't want to engage with you
• Energy, including the need not to expend energy in meeting you

• Sexual boundaries: 
• Consent: This means you're being given enthusiastic consent
• Agreement: You know the other person is in complete agreement with you
• An understanding of preferences, desires and privacy: You're sure you understand the other person's preferences and if they just want to be left alone

• Don't Stare at Them: Staring makes people feel uncomfortable. So, be aware, even if you're not trying to make the other person feel uncomfortable, not to stare at them.  A glance from you to gauge their interest is different from staring.  If they reciprocate with a smile, smile back and assess the situation as to whether you can approach or not.  If you approach and the other person signals they're not interested, smile and walk away. Don't continue to look at them because then you're crossing a personal boundary.

• Respect How the Other Person Responds to You: Assuming you're aware of the other person's personal boundaries, you read their body language correctly, and you have approached them in a respectful way:

• Listen to What They Say: Non-creepy flirting means you don't persist in trying to flirt or be friendly when they've said they're not interested.  Also, don't take it personally because it might not be about you.  It might just be about how they're feeling at the moment or some other issue.  

Listen to What She Says

• Don't Follow Them: Whether they've responded positively or negatively, don't follow them.  Following them is definitely creepy behavior and could be considered stalking. If they respond positively and you want to ask them out for coffee, ask--don't assume.  

• Don't Pursue Them on Social Media: In addition to not following them in person, don't follow them on social media unless you have their consent. This means you don't text them on social media sites without asking first.  

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection

Now that we've covered the basics in terms of not violating boundaries or acting creepy, let's focus on your fear of rejection.

• Flirting is Not About You.  It's About the Other Person: One way to flirt when you fear rejection is to focus on the other person instead of putting your expectations on them.  This means you're focusing on how to make them feel good in a genuine way while you're reading their body language, social cues and all the other factors discussed above.  

• Smile and Be Friendly: Smiling and being friendly is very different from being creepy.  Don't open with a come-on line like Joey Tribbiani of Friends ("How you doin'").  Keep it simple.  You can ask a simple question about if they usually come to this place, but if they don't respond in a friendly manner or you sense they're uncomfortable, move on and leave them alone.

How to Flirt When You Fear Rejection: Smile and Be Friendly

• Don't Focus on Flirting as a Means to an End: Most people flirt so they can get the other person's telephone number, ask them out on a date or get them to have sex with them.  But this is how you set yourself up for rejection. If that's your focus, the person you're interested in might be put off by it.  So, remember: Flirting isn't about you. It's about the other person.  Instead of asking for their telephone number, you can give them your number if they seem receptive.  But don't make a big deal out of it by asking when they'll call or when you'll see them again.

• Use a Sense of Humor: Assuming the other person is receptive to talking to you and you have gotten past the initial stage of introducing yourself, you can use a sense of humor to ease this interaction and have fun.  Once again, you're doing this without an ulterior motive of getting them to go out on a date or have sex with you. Only do this if you know how to use humor to flirt.  If it makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable to be funny, don't do it because your awkwardness will probably make the other person feel uncomfortable too (see my article:  A Good Sense of Humor Can Be Sexually Attractive).

• Know When to Back Off If It's Not Going Well: At any point along the way if you sense the other person isn't interested, don't persist. Know when to back off and leave gracefully, which could mean you just say, "It was nice meeting you" and then go.

• Know When to Leave Even When It's Going Well: Likewise, even if you've had an enjoyable chat with this person, you also need to know when to leave.  Either way, don't just walk away. Thank them for chatting and go about your business.  

• Remember: Non-Creepy Flirting is a Skill: Don't expect to do it perfectly the first time and maybe not even the next several times. If you don't know how to flirt, you'll need practice--it's just like developing any other social skill.

When to Seek Help in Therapy

There are times when unresolved trauma gets in the way of interacting socially with other people.  

If you know you have unresolved trauma that is affecting you in the present, seek help from a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved issues so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who has helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

To fall in love, you have to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.  And, yet, even though so many people want love in their lives, they're too afraid to allow themselves to open up to allow themselves to be vulnerable so they can experience the love that they desire.

Falling In Love and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability

Why Is Emotional Vulnerability So Scary?

Many people are afraid to allow themselves to be emotional vulnerable because they're afraid of getting hurt, especially if they've fallen in love before, they felt abandoned, and they got hurt (see my article:  Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Fear of rejection is also a factor.  People fear opening themselves up and then being rejected.  

It's not unusual for people who are afraid of getting hurt to shut down emotionally rather than allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

It's a dilemma that's not easy for people to overcome on their own because they're stuck between two difficult choices:  Allowing themselves to open up to love vs. shutting down and remaining alone and lonely (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

Fear of Emotional Vulnerability:  Some People Vacillate Between Opening Up and Shutting Down

In a prior blog article, Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable, I give a scenario that describes this dilemma.

Some people are more sensitive to the possibility of rejection than others.

Many people vacillate between these two choices.  Some people spend their whole lives going back and forth without ever resolving this dilemma for themselves.

The Courage to Be Emotionally Vulnerable

There is no way to have a successful relationship without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable.

It takes a lot of courage, especially after you've been hurt before, to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to falling in love again (see my article:  Developing the Courage to Change).

There are no guarantees that you won't get hurt again.  But if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are guaranteed to be alone.

Emotional Vulnerability and a History of Emotional Trauma

People who have a history of emotional trauma, especially trauma that goes back to childhood, have the hardest time allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.

People who haven't experienced healthy relationships as a child have no personal models to draw on when it comes to choosing and developing a healthy relationship.  So, they end up bonding with others in unhealthy ways.

As a result, they often get into one unhealthy relationship after another which, unfortunately, confirms a feeling that they have that there are no healthy relationships to be had (see my article:  Falling In Love With Mr. Wrong Over and Over Again).

If they never get help to overcome their earlier emotional trauma and their misconceptions about relationships, after many failed attempts, they might opt to remain alone.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you recognize the dynamics that I describe in this article, you're not alone.

Rather than allowing your history of trauma to have a negative effect on you for the rest of your life, you could get help to overcome your fears by seeing a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with trauma (see my article:  How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Free Yourself of Your History in Therapy: Overcome Your Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable 

Once you're free from your history, you'll be free to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable in a healthy romantic relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.