Ethical Flirting: How Can You Tell If Someone is Really Into You or Just Being Friendly?

Trying to figure out if someone is interested in you or if they're just being friendly towards you can be tricky.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

In the past few weeks, I've written several articles about flirting which can be helpful in understanding the topic of ethical flirting:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

In Episode 132 of the Sex and Psychology podcast, "Ethical Flirting and Seduction", Dr. Justin Lehmiller discusses this topic with Dr. Alison Ash, a trauma-informed intimacy coach (the link is at the end of this article).

What is Ethical Flirting?

According to Dr. Ash, flirting is intentionally vague--it's not linear.

Flirting isn't about building and escalating in one direction.  

Instead, flirting a wave-like experience of escalating and de-escalating even when you're both interested in each other and aligned in what you want.

Ethical Flirting: Are They Into You or Just Being Friendly?

The vagueness and the escalating/de-escalating allows you to test the waters to see how the other person responds to you.

Ethical flirting involves balancing emotional safety and turn-on as you test the boundaries (in an appropriate way) based on the person you're with and the context you're in.

Part of the challenge of ethical flirting is finding the comfortable intersection between emotional safety and turn-on.

If there's too much safety and not enough turn-on, you might find yourself in the "Friend Zone" when you don't want to be there.

Dating vs Friend Zone

If there's too much turn-on and not enough safety, the person you're interested in might get uncomfortable and put up defensive walls.

According to Dr. Ash, the difference between ethical flirting vs manipulation is whether or not you're approaching flirting in a goal-oriented way (e.g., getting the other person into bed).

Dr. Ash indicated that when flirting has a particular goal, it can lead to subtle or overt manipulation because, by focusing on the goal, you might overlook many signals from the other person who might not be interested.

Why is Attunement Important When You're Flirting?

When you're attuned to the other person, you're tracking whether or not you're getting cues or signals from them that they're interested (or not).

These cues can include (depending upon the cultural backgrounds of each person):

• Eye contact
• Smile 
• Body language
• Facial expression
• Your own intuition of what's happening between you and the other person

Attunement is important when you're flirting because it allows you to 

• Meet the other person where they're at in the moment 
• Let the situation unfold without being attached to a particular goal
• Help the other person to feel safe with you so they can open up if they're interested
• Help the other person to let you know they're not interested
• Recalibrate your interactions if you're getting signals they're not interested or they're interested but they're uncomfortable because you're going too fast for them

How Can You Tell If Someone is Interested in You or Just Being Friendly?

Flirting often takes place in an ambiguous context, according to Dr. Ash, and it can be unclear as to whether someone is attracted to you or just being friendly.

I remember a situation when I was in my early 20s and working for a large corporate organization:

On most mornings, I would run into a friendly guy who worked in another department on my floor who was really chatty.  Sometimes we would have a friendly chat for a few minutes about the weather or our weekend--nothing intimate. I thought nothing of it at the time.

Then, one day a large bouquet of red roses was delivered to my desk without a card.  I just assumed it was from my boyfriend at the time.  But when I called my boyfriend to thank him, I just heard momentary silence on the other end of the phone. Then, to my amazement, he said, "It wasn't me. Who's sending you flowers?"

This left me confused and curious. But by the next day, I ran into the friendly guy and he asked me if I got the roses he sent, and I felt the blood rush to my face.

When I told him that I had a boyfriend and I hoped he didn't misunderstand my friendliness towards him, he looked embarrassed.  He had obviously misconstrued my friendliness to mean that I was interested in him.  After that, he stopped speaking to me, which made it very awkward whenever we ran into each other in the hall.

In this particular case, I think there were also cultural issues that added to the confusion because (I found out later) the women from his culture wouldn't stop to chat with a man in a friendly way unless there was a romantic interest.

I'm bringing up this story to show how easy and common it is for there to be misunderstandings in these kinds of situations.

Women often discuss these kinds of misunderstandings in therapy.  On the one hand, they don't want to be unfriendly but, on the other hand, they don't want to have their friendliness misconstrued as attraction.

So, developing the necessary attunement skills is essential when you're interested in someone and you want to know if they're interested in you.  At the same time, be aware that there can be misunderstandings (I'll address how to deal with that later in this article).

How to Flirt in an Ethical Way

Flirting an be fun and playful or it can be sleazy.  

According to Dr. Ash, if you want to want it to be fun and not sleazy:

• Escalate Flirting Slowly: This gives you an opportunity to assess cues from the other person. It also allows the other person to refine the cues they're giving you.

• Look For a Cluster of Cues: Instead of looking for only one cue, look for a cluster of cues, including if the other person:

• Makes eye contact with you where they're gazing at you or looks away
• Leans in to minimize the body space between you and them or moves away
• Reaches out to touch you lightly in an appropriate way (e.g., upper arm or shoulder)
• Reciprocates your touch in an appropriate way
• Responds by smiling at you or stiffens towards you
• Engages you in fun and "juicy" topics as you get to know each other or if their interaction with you remains more mundane

How to Deal With Misattunements

As I mentioned earlier in my personal example, it can be easy to misunderstand even if you think you're picking up on signals that the other person is interested.

Ethical Flirting: Dealing With Misattunements

The tricky part is to figure out whether what you're seeing is disinterest or if the other person is interested but uncomfortable because you escalated the flirting too quickly.  

Be aware that there are different levels of flirting.  

For instance, if you were talking and lightly touching the other person's upper arm and they still seemed engaged in flirting with you, but then you touched their hand and they responded by moving away, you need to back off and reassess the situation.

Assuming that you're only misaligned in the moment because you escalated too quickly and the person is actually still interested in you but uncomfortable with what you just did, Dr. Ash recommends that you go back a step to where you last felt you were both aligned.

For example, if you felt aligned at the point when you were both smiling and engaged in a particular topic of conversation, take a step back, recalibrate, and return to the former level of flirting.  

If your recalibration doesn't work, you might have to address the so-called "elephant in the room" in a tactful way. This can be awkward, but it's less awkward than if you don't address it at all. 

You can address this misattunement by apologizing and naming what just transpired. This can help the other person to see that you're trying to be attuned to them and you want to meet them where they're are in that moment.  Then, if they're interested, they can also try to align with you.

Ethical Flirting Online

According to Dr. Ash, online flirting can be even trickier than in-person flirting because you don't have the physical cues to help you to be attuned. 

She recommends video chats instead of texting because texting can be confusing.  

Either way, her recommendation is that you go slowly.  For instance, don't start by asking very intimate questions, like "What are your sexual fantasies?" or "What's your favorite sex position?"

You need to build the intimacy slowly so that when you get the signal that the other person might be ready for more intimate topics. Then, you can bring up the right topics at the right time instead of being offensive.

A slow escalation allows you to proceed to increasing vulnerability as long as you're aligned with the person you like.

In general, whether you're flirting in-person or online, remember that building intimacy includes being curious about them and sharing information about yourself in an appropriate way.  

Too many people have a list of questions they ask the other person as if they're an interviewer and forget to be self revealing.

How to Deal with Your Fear of Rejection

Many people avoid making the effort to flirt because they fear rejection.

Ethical Flirting and Fear of Rejection

Fear of a rejection is a common problem due to:

• Uncertainty
• Overanalyzing yourself
• Being overly critical of yourself in terms of what you say and do
• Second guessing yourself
• Previous experiences of rejection
• Unresolved trauma

No one wants to be rejected, but if you're both too shy or afraid of rejection, you could be missing out on opportunities to get to know each other.

Dr. Ash's recommendations on how to overcome your fear, especially if you lack experience with ethical flirting include:

• Put yourself out there so you can get practice with building relational skills (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences)

• Get out of your head (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind)

• Become more embodied by using embodiment practices, like:
• Observing sensations and emotions in your body
• Practicing using your body as an anchor 
• Getting grounded
  
• Learning breathing techniques to calm yourself (see my article: Learn to Do Square Breathing)

• Use positive self talk instead of negative self talk

• Access your sense of openness and curiosity (it's hard to feel anxious when you're in a curious state)

• Focus more on the other person than yourself

• Learn to be adaptable and flexible with regard to the person you're with and the context you're in instead of relying on the same pickup line for everyone

• Be playful and fun if the circumstances allow for it

• Be aware of the types of environments where you feel the most comfortable so you can show your best side as opposed to feeling like an impostor

When to Seek Help in Therapy

When you're engaging in ethical flirting, you can either feel delight in the longing and anticipation or you can feel emotional pain.

If you feel emotionally unfulfilled because you don't have close relationships with friends and family or because you have unresolved trauma, flirting can be challenging for you because you feel insecure and you come across as too hungry for emotional connection.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you don't have other close relationships, learn to cultivate platonic relationships that will nourish you emotionally. Aside from nourishing you emotionally, these platonic relationships can help you to develop interpersonal skills that are similar to the skills you need to make romantic connections.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional blocks that get in your way.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sex and Psychology Episode on Ethical Seduction

The Five Flirting Styles: The Polite Flirting Style

This is a continuation of my prior articles about flirting styles as described in Dr. Jeffrey Hall's research and his book, The Five Flirting Styles.  

The Polite Flirting Style

Prior Articles

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Polite Flirting Style

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As I mentioned in the prior articles, Dr. Hall's flirting styles are heteronormative, so they don't include the LGBTQ population; however, some aspects of these styles might be applicable.

The Polite Flirting Style

In the current article, I'm discussing the Polite Flirting Style.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Polite Flirting Style?

Traditional flirters tend to:

• Know you for a while before they ask you out

• Start flirting with you as if it's out of the blue after you have been friends for a while, which can be confusing--especially if you didn't realize they were interested in you before they started flirting

• Pay attention to what you say while they're getting to know you--before they ask you out 

• Be less assertive and aggressive, as a polite man, than some of the other men who have one of the four other flirting styles because they're being respectful

• Refrain, as a man or a woman, to become sexual when they're getting to know you

• Not comment on a woman's appearance, as a man, out of a sense of politeness

• Find direct flirting annoying

• Talk about their long term goals

• Follow traditional courtship rules 

• Be honest about their prior relationships

• Call or send a text after a date to say thank you or to say they had fun

• Be reliable and there for you when you need them

Men and Women

Women tend to be polite flirters much more than men.

The Polite Flirting Style

Both men and women tend to be cautious when they're interested in someone, which can lead to misunderstandings if they're too cautious because you might think they only see you as a friend.

Polite flirters can know you a long time before they think about letting you know they're interested and, even then, they might struggle to find the words to tell you.  Sometimes they need the assistance of a mutual friend to intervene to get things started.

The Polite Flirting Style: Dating, Sex and Love

Polite flirters tend to take things slowly when it comes to dating, sex and love.

Both men and women often want to be in love before having sex because sex is important to them and not to be taken lightly.  They want to feel they have an emotional connection with you first.

If a polite flirter is flirting with you, it's more than likely they're interested in forming a connection with you rather than trying to get you into bed.

Relationships

Similar to the Traditional and Sincere Flirting Styles, once they get into a relationship with you, the polite flirter tends to be loyal. 

Age

According to Dr. Hall, the Polite Flirting Style tends to be more common among people 40 and over.

The Polite Flirting Style

Dr. Hall indicates that this is probably due to people 40 and over developing a more mature ways of flirting, dating and being in a relationship.

Complementary Flirting Styles

The complementary flirting styles for the Polite Flirting Style are the 

• Traditional Flirting Style
• Sincere Flirting Style

The polite flirter has a lot in common with traditional and sincere flirters because their characteristics overlap in many ways.

What all three have in common is that--not only do they want to go slowly--they want to avoid the carefree sexual aspects of dating before you know each other.

It's not that they don't like sex.  It's more a matter that they tend to think it's crass to be sexual right away before you know each other.

Conclusion

This is the last in this series about flirting styles based on the research of Dr. Jeffrey Hall.

In reality, when it comes to flirting styles, people don't usually fit neatly into a particular box.  Most people are a combination of flirting styles.

Being aware of your particular constellation of flirting styles can help you in meeting people, dating or entering into a relationship.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Five Flirting Styles: The Sincere Flirting Style

In the current article I'm focusing on the Sincere Flirting Style, as described by author and researcher, Dr. Jeffrey Hall, which is the most common of the five flirting styles.

The Sincere Flirting Style

See my prior articles:

What's Your Flirting Style?

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

The information for this article comes primarily from Dr. Hall's book, The Five Flirting Styles.

Summary of the Five Flirting Styles

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular goal of making a  sexual conquest, a date or a getting into a relationship. They enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting, so sometimes they don't have any goal except to enjoying being flirty and playful. It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways of flirting where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest but men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment, so, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

As mentioned in my earlier articles, I see Dr. Hall's Five Flirting Styles as heteronormative. Although it applies to heterosexual men and women, I see aspects of these styles that could apply to people who identify as LGBTQ.

Please Note: Some people aren't receptive to flirting, especially if it involves touching. So, it's important to be aware of this and respect it. You need to pick up on social cues from the person you're with and remember that consent and context are important factors in your interactions with others.

What Does Sincere Mean?

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, sincere means: 

• Wholehearted
• Heartfelt
• Hearty
• Genuine

It also means the absence of hypocrisy, feigning or any falsifying embellishments or exaggeration.

What is the Sincere Flirting Style?

Many people think of flirting as being insincere, but people who use the Sincere Flirting Style want to make a genuine connection with you.

The Sincere Flirting Style

The sincere flirting involves using flirting as a way to create an emotional bond.

What Are Common Characteristics of the Sincere Flirting Style?

Sincere flirters tend to:

• Want to an emotional bond, which is usually different from the Playful Flirting Style where flirting is mostly about fun and games

• Be interested in you emotionally as opposed to just a sexual interest

• Want the emotional connection first before the sexual connection

• Enjoy deep conversations as opposed to superficial chatter

• Have interesting things to share with you about themselves 

• Prefer to be themselves, which generally makes them honest

• Ask you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested in getting to know you

• Remember important details you told them about yourself

• Disclose important information openly and appropriately about themselves as a way for you to get to know them and their personal disclosures tend to be of an emotional nature

• Be positive, friendly, warm and kind as well as outgoing and fun

• Be creative and open to new experiences, including travel

• Try to figure out if you share similar interests when you're on a date and getting to know each other

• Enjoy having you flirt back with them--although they can sometimes get embarrassed or shy if you compliment them

• Not approach in a physically aggressive way; however, if they sense you're interested, they're usually not opposed to using physicality in an appropriate way (leaning closer to you) as a way to get the message across that they're interested. This is different from the Physical Flirting Style who tend to use touch and physicality in a sexually suggestive way.

• Not date multiple people at once if they're interested in getting to know you and you're forming an emotional connection with each other

• Back off when they sense you're not interested--unlike more manipulative, aggressive types

Men and Women

As mentioned earlier, the Sincere Flirting Style is the most common flirting style.  It's used by both men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, women tend to have a more developed Sincere Flirting Style than men.  

In addition, Dr. Hall indicates that women tend to prefer when men engage in this style of flirting if they're interested in getting into a relationship.

Based on Dr. Hall's research, emotional self disclosure, when it's done appropriately without oversharing, is usually rated high as a way to connect emotionally and it's the least phoney way of flirting. It's also the most effective to create emotional bonds.

All Ages

Dr. Hall's research indicates that the Sincere Flirting Style applies to all age groups from young to mature.

The Sincere Flirting Style

What About the Stereotype of "Nice Guys Finish Last"?

According to Dr. Hall, how women feel about nice guys depends on what they're looking for, their age and maturity level.

If they're young and looking for casual sex, they would probably prefer the man with the Physical Flirting Style.

If they're more mature and ready for a commitment, they're more likely to be interested in the guy with the Sincere Flirting Style because he has the maturity and qualities they're looking for in a committed relationship.

So, like many stereotypes, when it comes to forming a lasting bond with someone, the stereotype of "nice guys finish last" is false.

Conclusion

Most people are a combination of flirting styles and, even within a particular flirting style, there's a spectrum.

It's important to know what you want when you're dating so you can focus on the type of person that suits your interest.

The Sincere Flirting Style is usually the most appealing for people who want to form a sincere emotional connection with someone.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's Your Flirting Style?

In a "Love and Libido" podcast, Sex Therapist Dr. Emily Jamea interviewed Dr. Jeffrey Hall, author of The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want (see my article: How to Flirt Without Being Creepy).

This article is an introduction to the five flirting styles, which will be described in more detail in future articles.

Flirting

What is Flirting?

Flirting is when someone behaves as if they're attracted to someone.

Flirting usually involves a combination of verbal communication and body language. 

Depending on the goal of person flirting, flirting can start a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. It also can start a hookup or casual date.

In addition, it can be done as a way to amuse the person flirting and the person with whom they're flirting and have no other goal at all other than amusement.

Sometimes, people flirt as a way to get attention and an ego boost.

The 5 Flirting Styles

Most people flirt regardless of sexual orientation, gender, sex, sexual orientation, age, race and so on.

Dr. Hall's book focuses on heterosexual men and women.

According to Dr. Hall, the five flirting styles are:

• Playful: Playful flirts like to flirt for fun. They often have a particular agenda in terms of a sexual conquest, a date or a relationship. They just enjoy flirting for the sake of flirting.  It can be hard to understand what they want from you because they like to be playful and tease, but they're not especially intimate.

Playful Flirting

• Traditional: Traditional flirts adhere to traditional, heteronormative ways where women wait for men to initiate flirting. Women in this category often use eye contact to show interest and men usually make the first move to talk to women. Traditional flirts tend to be introverted, so they often wait a while before they ask someone out. 

• Physical: Physical flirts use nonverbal touch and open body language to flirt. This flirting style is especially sexually charged. Physical flirts tend to touch you. Aside from touching you, they might lean in close to you. They're usually confident and forward. Often, physical flirters look for a sexual conquest as opposed to a relationship, but this isn't always the case.

Physical Flirting: Playing Footsie

• Sincere: Sincere flirts are the most common type. They will try to form a bond with you by making you comfortable and creating a rapport. They tend to be direct and honest in their approach. A relationship with them might start as a friendship first before it becomes romantic. 

• Polite: Polite flirts can be difficult to understand because they're so subtle. They tend to be focused on being polite, moral, cautious and reserved. They want to avoid embarrassment. So, for instance, they tend to speak in cautious tones. 

Personality Types and Flirting Styles

According to Dr. Hall's research, extroverts are usually open to new experiences and they tend to prefer physical, playful or sincere flirting styles. 

The research also indicates that introverts prefer traditional and polite flirting styles. 

Agreeable people tend to be sincere flirts.  

People who are moderately agreeable and conscientious, who are also outgoing, tend to be physical flirts. 

People who are not agreeable or conscientious tend to be playful flirts.

Flirting Styles and Dating and Relationship Success

Based on Dr. Hall's research, people with sincere, physical or playful flirting styles tend to have the best dating success.

People with sincere and physical styles tend to lead more quickly to relationships. 

Traditional flirts tend to take things slower, which allows for a relationship to develop over time in a meaningful way.

Polite flirts tend to be sincere, which helps some of them to be more outgoing.

Each style has its own advantages.  

Some styles allow people to connect with many people whereas other styles prioritize relationship building with fewer people.

Conclusion

Each flirting style has pros and cons.

Knowing your flirting style can help you to be aware of how you're coming across and if your particular style suits your dating and relationships goals--if you have goals--at particular points in your life.

Future Articles 

As I mentioned above, I'll cover each of these flirting styles in more detail in future articles.

See my articles: 

The Physical Flirting Style

The Playful Flirting Style

The Sincere Flirting Style

The Traditional Flirting Style

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.