Relationships: Confusing Love With Longing

Confusing love and longing is a common problem for many people.  And it's no wonder: We're bombarded with damaging cultural messages that longing is love and love is longing in songs, movies, TV programs and social media.

Confusing Love With Longing: A Traumatic Childhood History of Emotional Neglect

Aside from damaging cultural messages, a traumatic childhood history of emotional neglect can lead to confusing love and longing (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

Confusing Love With Longing

Wanting to be loved is normal.  It's every child's birthright to be loved for who they are and not based on conditional love for accomplishments (see my article: The Connection Between Conditional Love, Perfection and Shame).

But if you grew up in a family where you were emotionally neglected, this can set you up to be in a perpetual state of longing for love (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Unlovable and Emotionally Invalidated).

Longing becomes the template for love so that you might unconsciously choose people who are emotionally unavailable to replicate your early childhood experience. 

Confusing Love With Longing: Nothing is Ever Enough

Even if the people you chose are emotionally available, you might still feel emotionally deprived because it feels like it's not enough.  For many people, who experienced childhood emotional neglect, nothing is ever enough.

The feeling that nothing is ever enough occurs when you grew up, as an adult, you're looking for someone else to fill in the emotional void that was created in your childhood. 

But, unless you grieve and heal in therapy for what you didn't get as a child, whatever love you do get as an adult won't be enough to make up the childhood emotional neglect.

Under these circumstances, even if the person you love is emotionally available, you might experience your partner as if they're not available (see my article: What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Adult Romantic Relationships?).

No matter how much time they give you or how much they do for you, you feel it's never enough because the emotional void is still there from your childhood experience.  This can leave you in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

When you're confusing love and longing, without realizing it, you can "test" your partner by creating situations where you expect more and more and they always come up short.

Confusing Love With Longing

For instance, if you're in a relationship and partner is available to see you twice a week, you might demand even more time from them with the unconscious thought that if they really love you, they'll find a way to spend more time with you.  

But even if your partner, who is very busy, finds a way to spend more time with you, it's still not enough.  You come up with other ways to "test" how much they care for you which makes it increasingly difficult for your partner.

You come up with other demands that are difficult or impossible to meet, and when your partner can't meet your demands, you say to yourself, "Aha! I knew it! She doesn't love me!" as if you found the proof of what you feared all along.

This can also confirm what you might have unconsciously believed about yourself since childhood--that you're an unlovable person (see my article: Overcoming the Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

Conversely, if you fall in love with someone who is emotionally available and gives you the time and attention you want, you might lose interest in them because longing equals love for you and you're no longer longing for them because you have them.

This is a setup for a no-win situation where you never feel fulfilled because your childhood trauma is getting played out in your current situation and your lack of emotional fulfillment is tied to your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From Your Past).

Clinical Vignette - Relationships: Confusing Love and Longing

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality, illustrates how confusing love and longing in an adult romantic relationship can be resolved with trauma therapy.

Ed

Ed, who was in his mid-30s, sought help in trauma therapy because he was confused about his feelings for his girlfriend Patty.  

Within weeks of meeting her, Ed fell head over heels for Patty, but he wasn't sure how she really felt for him--even though she told him that she really liked him.

They spent a lot of time together, but then Patty, who was a journalist, was given an assignment in London for two weeks.  

She assured Ed that she would stay in touch with him as much as possible considering the time difference between New York and London.  She also said she wanted to get together with him soon after she returned.

Despite her assurances, Ed felt anxious and sad while she was away.  He felt so obsessed about her that he couldn't get her out of his mind.  

With each passing day, he missed her more and he felt like he wouldn't be able endure her absence.  The more he missed her, the more he longed for her.  And the more he longed for her, the more he felt he loved her.  

At first, Patty was flattered when Ed told her how much he missed her.  But as he continued to dwell on his longing in their long distance telephone conversations, Patty began to feel uneasy.  She thought to herself:  We've only known each other a short time.  How could he have developed such strong feelings for me so quickly?

Patty had dinner with Ed the night after she returned from London.  She was jet lagged from her trip and Ed interpreted her tiredness as a lack of interest in him--even though she reassured him that she really liked him.

Soon after that, Ed began making more demands on Patty's time.  In response, she told Ed that she wanted to spend time with him, but she was working on a demanding project which required a lot of extra time, so she couldn't see him more than twice a week.

This created a lot of anxiety, doubt and confusion for Ed.  He could barely stand it as he waited to see Patty between dates.  Then, it occurred to him that the problem could be resolved if she moved in with him because then they could be together all the time. 

Much to his disappointment, Patty didn't respond well to this suggestion. She told him that they needed to get to know each other better and it was too soon for them to move in together.

After a while, Patty felt burdened by Ed's emotional demands, and she told him that they should take a break to get some perspective on their relationship.  

She knew about Ed's childhood trauma and she suggested he get help in trauma therapy (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

This is what brought Ed into trauma therapy.  

His trauma therapist did a full assessment on Ed's family history and she told him that his traumatic childhood experiences were having an impact on his relationship with Patty.  She explained how Ed was confusing love with longing, but he didn't understand the connection between love and longing at that point in his therapy.

In the initial stage of therapy, his therapist talked to Ed about EMDR therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

She also helped him to develop the internal resources to be able to process his early childhood memories of emotional neglect.

During that time, Patty contacted him and told him that she wanted to get together with him so they could talk.  Ed was elated.  

During their dinner, Patty told him that she was happy he was getting help in trauma therapy.  She also told him that she was being transferred to a less demanding job at her newspaper, which she had applied for before she met Ed.  This meant she would be more available to see Ed.

At first, Ed was ecstatic that he could see Patty more often.  But as they spent more time together, he became less interested in Patty.  Even though nothing had changed between them, he felt bored and restless.  He also wondered if he even wanted to be with her anymore.

When Ed discussed this with his therapist, he realized he was no longer longing to be with Patty because she was available and he was spending a lot of time with her.

He also realized that, since nothing else had changed, he now understood what his therapist meant when she told him that he was confusing love and longing.

This frightened Ed because he wondered if he could ever be in love with an emotionally available partner like Patty. He worried he would never be in a fulfilling, loving relationship if he needed to long for his partner.

During the next several months, Ed and his therapist processed his early childhood experiences of being emotionally neglected.  Although it was difficult to process these traumatic memories, Ed felt an emotional burden being lifted from him.

During that time, Ed also learned to separate love and longing in his relationship with Patty. 

As he worked through his early trauma of emotional neglect, he developed a less emotionally dependent, more genuine way of loving her that wasn't based on emotional deprivation.

Working on Unresolved Early Trauma in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, confusing love with longing is usually rooted in traumatic experiences of being emotionally neglected.

Confusing Love With Longing

There are specific types of trauma therapy that are helpful to work through early trauma, including EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing.

Getting Help in Therapy

If early traumatic experiences have created an obstacle to developing a healthy adult relationship, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through traumatic experiences so you can free yourself from your traumatic history, develop healthier relationships, and lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Understanding Why You Choose Emotionally Unavailable People

I have been focusing on topics from Dr. Jack Morin's book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment in my last several articles.  In today's article I'm focusing specifically on why some people choose partners who are emotionally unavailable based on concepts outlined in this book (see my article: What Are Your Core Erotic Themes?, which contains links to all the prior related articles).

Understanding Why You Choose Emotionally Unavailable People

Eroticized Longing

In Chapter 6 of his book, "When Turn-Ons Turn Against You," Dr. Morin discusses eroticized longing where people are attracted to partners who are unavailable or only partially or inconsistently available.  According to Dr. Morin, people who experience erotcized longing often discover that it is a central part of their eroticism.  

These are people who usually need the passion, excitement, storminess and uncertainty based on being involved with an unavailable (or partially available) partner.  These relationships can be passionate but, ultimately, they aren't fulfilling for people who want a long term commitment.  

These relationships often include a partner who is:

• married or in a long term relationship with someone else
• unable to make an exclusive commitment
• ambivalent
• vague about the future or eludes to a future but cannot be pinned down about the specifics
• vacillates between being open and being avoidant

And so on.

People who have a pattern of getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners often say that they are bored with people who are interested in them and willing to make a commitment.  

They don't feel the same level of excitement if they're not yearning and feeling off balance with their partner.  So, they get involved in one relationship after another that doesn't give them what they want or they get it sometimes but only intermittently. 

Even though these people say they want to be with someone who can make a commitment, they feel their only options are to either pursue a relationship that will ultimately fail because their partner can't commit to them or they have to be with someone where they don't feel the same sexual excitement. This is an awful dilemma.

Understanding the Psychological Roots of Eroticized Longing

The attraction to unavailable people is usually unconscious.  Adding to this complication, people who are emotionally unavailable often don't present themselves in that way.  

In Dr. Morin's book he gives a clinical example of a client named Maggie, who was involved in a succession of relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. 

Prior to coming to therapy, her last relationship was with a married man who kept telling her he was unhappy emotionally and sexually in his marriage.  

Based on what he was telling her, Maggie believed he would eventually leave his wife to be with her. He seemed like he would rather be with her.  But whenever he had to choose who he would spend a holiday with, he chose his wife.  

After years of feeling hurt and emotionally abandoned, Maggie chose to leave that relationship.  But even after she left, she was still obsessed with this man.  She would call his house to hear his voice or park her car outside his home to get a glimpse of him.

The pattern with these succession of men was that they were capable of being warm and loving towards her at times, but they couldn't sustain it consistently.  Whenever they would give her what she wanted emotionally, she was happy.  But, inevitably, she was disappointed when these men became avoidant and emotionally unavailable again.

This is a typical pattern in these relationships:  The partner who is basically unavailable is available enough to provide their partner with intermittent reinforcement.  Each time the person who is yearning gets what they want, they hope their partner will finally be able to sustain the love and warmth, but they are continually disappointed.  

In other words, there is just enough of what they want to keep them hooked into the relationship, but it's never sustained over time and they are disappointed over and over again.

In Maggie's case, Dr. Morin explains that, on the surface, there seemed to be no logical explanation as to why Maggie couldn't find a man who would love her and be committed to her:  She was attractive, intelligent, kind and she had a lot to offer a committed partner.

Maggie explained to Dr. Morin that, over time, many men, who were stable and dependable, pursued her and they wanted to make a commitment to her.  But she was bored by these men.  Eventually, these men entered into other relationships with women who wanted to be with them.

Her unstable relationships had several things in common. These men were:

• adventurous in their everyday life as well as sexually
• somewhat rebellious 
• playful and spontaneous 
• unreliable in terms of showing up for dates, calling her or remembering special dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)
• unable to make a long term commitment 

They also had an emotional vulnerability at times that intrigued Maggie--giving her the feeling that they needed her.  

Their rebelliousness was the opposite of Maggie, who considered herself to be "a good girl" who was responsible and reliable.  Although she admired their rebelliousness, especially since it was a quality she didn't have, she was continually disappointed by these partners.  

Maggie also had difficulty focusing on herself in her therapy.  She focused on the emotionally unavailable man she was seeing at the time and attempted to analyze him, but she had difficulty looking at herself.  

At one point in her therapy, she said she believed if her current partner could just overcome his problems, they could be happy together.  She told her therapist she believed if she could just win him over, she would feel loved.

When her therapist asked Maggie what she thought it would be like if her boyfriend didn't need to be won over (if he just loved her), she admitted that she didn't think she could handle that.

As Maggie and her therapist explored her childhood home, at first, Maggie described an ideal family.  However, after a while, she admitted to her therapist that her father was often away and when he was at home, he was aloof with both her and her mother.  She also indicated that her mother was overwhelmed by responsibilities, sad and deeply unhappy with her marriage.  

Apparently, her mother suspected Maggie's father of having an extramarital affair, but she never confronted him about it.  Instead, she suffered in silence.  

So this was the relationship template that Maggie grew up with as a child.  Throughout her adolescence, she read books about delayed romantic fulfillment.  

She also realized in therapy that her relationships with unavailable men all had a persistent undercurrent of grief and loss as she was emotionally abandoned over and over again by these men.  

One of the keys to understanding these types of relationships and why Maggie and others continually get involved in them is that during the intermittent times when these men do provide Maggie with what she wants, she experienced excitement and passion.  

In Maggie's case, she was repeating her experiences with each of her parents.  Her father was emotionally cold and unavailable to her, and she also had a strong identification with her sad, long suffering mother, who suffered in silence.

Fortunately, many people, who are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, eventually get tired of being continuously disappointed and this motivates them to change.  But others spend their lives in these hurtful relationships.  And many others just give up on relationships altogether.

Choosing Healthier Partners

In Dr. Morin's book, he outlines 7 Steps to change these patterns so that eroticized longing related to emotionally unavailable people are no longer erotic turn ons, which I summarize briefly below and add in italics my specific recommendations:

• Clarify Your Goals and Motivations: Get clear on what you want in a relationship. If you want someone who is emotionally available and able to make a commitment to you, make that your goal.  Erotic turn ons can change over time so that people who are emotionally unavailable on a consistent basis no longer seem exciting.  Instead, they seem boring, emotionally limited and immature.  

• Cultivate Self Affirmation: It's important for you to believe that you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you and who can be there for you emotionally on a consistent basis. You need to be able to put yourself first.  While you're working on this, rather than criticizing yourself, be compassionate and recognize that these erotic patterns were formed early in your life.

• Navigate the Gray Zone:  The gray zone occurs when you're in the midst of change. You're no longer where you once were in terms of being attracted to emotionally unavailable people, but you haven't arrived to where you want to be in terms of making healthier relationship choices.  When you're in the gray zone, you might feel lost and confused.  It's a matter of tolerating the ambiguity of this stage until your path becomes clearer.  Gradually, your attractions to unavailable people can change, especially if you understand the psychological underpinnings to your longing, which is rooted in your earliest relationships as a child.  Sometimes when you're in the gray zone, you might choose to refrain from dating for a while until you get clear about what is driving these unhealthy attractions and you learn to turn away from them.  After a while, as you examine your eroticized longings for unavailable people, you will probably discover that these longings include fear, hatred, sadness and shame.  Once you experience these emotions, your experience of them can motivate you to steer clear of emotionally unavailable people because you know, on an emotional level, that these relationships are fraught with emotional pain.

• Acknowledge and Mourn Your Losses: Grieving the loss is part of the healing.  Once you see that your attraction to unavailable people is linked to traumatic memories, you can mourn these losses and, importantly, work through the early trauma.  

• Come to Your Senses: Attractions to unavailable people often involve a disconnection between your mind and your body (My Note: Reconnection is possible through experiential therapy that is rooted in the mind-body connection).  

• Risk the Unfamiliar: Insight into your problems isn't enough.  While insight is important, it's not enough to help you make a big change in the emotionally unhealthy attractions you feel.  (My Note: Change occurs when the mind and the body are in synch, which occurs in experiential therapy, see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy).

• Integrate Your Discoveries: Changing the people you are attracted to isn't easy.  Along the way, you will probably experience setbacks.  Working with a skilled psychotherapist who helps you through this transition can make a big difference in terms of successfully navigating through the changes and making them last.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although changing your sexual attraction to emotionally unavailable people can be daunting, many people have successfully navigated this change in therapy.

Rather than remaining stuck in relationships that are unfulfilling and hurtful in the long run, get help from a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to make a lasting change.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

In my last article, What Are the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism?, which is based on the book, The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Source of Passion and Fulfillment by sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin, I gave an overview and a brief explanation of the four cornerstones.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism:

• Longing and Anticipation
• Violating Prohibitions
• Searching For Power
• Overcoming Ambivalence

One of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

In the current article, I'm focusing on the first cornerstone mentioned in Dr. Morin's book, Longing and Anticipation, which includes the sexual attraction and obstacles I discussed in my article, The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement.

The ability to experience longing and anticipation begins in infancy when you're yearning for your mother's soothing presence, warmth and nurturance.  Also, as a child, you might have anticipated and longed for your parents' arrival from work in the evening.  

Children also use their imagination and fantasize about imaginary friends who are always with them and who never disappoint them.  Sometimes these imaginary friends are their alter egos, as when a child says about his imaginary friend, "I didn't do it--it was Johnny!"

As an adult, when you desire someone who isn't with you, you can experience this type of longing.  This is the case with unrequited love and other instances where what is desired either cannot be obtained or there are obstacles to obtaining what you desire (see my article: Obsessing About the One Who Got Away).

In a long distance relationship where you can only see your partner infrequently, you are also likely to experience longing because you miss your partner and anticipate the next time you see them.

A Cornerstone of Eroticism: Longing and Anticipation

Longing and anticipation also comes up when you're pursuing someone and hoping that person will go out with you.  As I mentioned in my article, Romantic Obsessions and the Thrill of the Chase, the real thrill in chasing someone isn't about "catching" them--it's about the pleasure you experience from the anticipation of "catching" them.

Even when you're in a relationship with someone who lives nearby, on the days when you're not together, you long to see them or hear from them, especially during the early stages of a relationship.  You might daydream about that person, anticipate their call or text and imagine the things the two of you will do when you're together.

In these and other similar situations where you're unable to be with a person you desire--whether it's temporarily or indefinitely--you feel a heightened state of sexual excitement.  All of this pent up emotion and sexual energy peaks when you get together with your partner.  

Paradoxically, once you and your partner are in an established long term relationship where you're living together or married, anticipation and longing tend to wane if you don't add novelty or spice things up (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Clinical Vignette:  

The following clinical vignette, which is based on a composite of many different clinical cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how longing and anticipation enhance sexual excitement:

Sandy and Bill

While they were home from college, Sandy and Bill met at a friend's holiday party, and they both felt an instant strong attraction for each other.

During their holiday break, they spent as much time together as they could before Sandy returned to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and Bill returned to UCLA in Los Angeles.  

Every night before she went to sleep, Sandy thought about Bill and how she couldn't wait to see him the following day.  She even had romantic dreams about him.  

Every night before Bill went to sleep, he thought of things he wanted to tell Sandy and what he wanted to do with her sexually.  He couldn't wait to see her.

By the end of the first week, they found a secluded area in the park near Bill's parents' house and they had passionate sex for the first time.  

The sexual passion was heightened because they both knew there was a risk of getting caught by having sex in a public place (i.e., one of the four cornerstones of eroticism: Violating a Sexual Prohibition) and also because it would be months before they saw each other again.  

When they returned to college, they both spent a lot of time obsessing about each other and texting as much as they could.  

Both of them found it difficult to focus on their college assignments because they were fantasizing about the next time they would see each other again during Spring Break.

During the months before Spring Break, Sandy sometimes felt she couldn't endure the wait to see Bill again.  She told him that she wanted to take time off from school to fly out to Los Angeles to see him.  Bill told her that he felt the same way--like he would burst if he didn't see Sandy soon. But he didn't want Sandy to miss her classes so, reluctantly, he told her not to come see him.  

While they were counting the days until they could see each other in person, they were online every night. They told each other how much they yearned to be together. They also sent each other flirty texts during the day.  

During that time, the romantic and sexual tension was building between them, so by the time they saw each other on Spring Break, they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

When they were back at their respective colleges, during the months between Spring Break and end of term, they were both missing each other a lot and the tension led to a few arguments.  

After one of those arguments, Bill went to a party, got drunk and took a woman he met at the party back to his dorm room.  

When Sandy didn't hear from Bill the next day, she was surprised.  She tried to reach him a few times, but he didn't respond.  

Finally, after receiving several panicky texts from Sandy, Bill called her and confessed that he had sex with another woman at his college.  He also told Sandy that he didn't think he could remain celibate for the rest of the term until they saw each other again.

Sandy was heartbroken.  She knew it would be difficult while they were apart and so far away from each other, but she thought Bill would be faithful to her, as he promised he would.  

During the next week, she kept calling Bill, but he didn't respond.  After that, she felt so despondent that she could barely bring herself to go to class.  

A few weeks later, Bill called Sandy to apologize for hurting her feelings.  They were both seniors and just a few months away from graduation when they would be returning to their parents' homes in New York City.  So, Bill asked to see Sandy again when they were both back in New York. In the meantime, he wanted to be free to see other women, and Sandy grudgingly agreed.

During the next few months, Sandy and Bill kept in touch by phone and online.  They both missed each other a lot.  To soothe their longing for each other, they talked about getting together when they were both at home in New York again.

During their first few weeks back home in New York, they got together every day.  The longing and anticipation had built up so much sexual tension that they were having sex every chance they could, and it was even more passionate than before.

By the end of the month, they were getting to know each other better, and they both realized they each had very different goals and long term plans.  

Sandy wanted to return to Ann Arbor for a graduate degree and Bill wanted to join his father's brokerage firm on Wall Street.  Sandy also realized that Bill was a lot more politically conservative than she realized, and Bill discovered that Sandy had liberal views that he found repugnant.

As they each realized they didn't really known each other before this. They also acknowledged that, with all the excitement they experienced while they were apart, they didn't realize that a long term relationship between them wouldn't work (see my article: The Ideal vs the Real).

They now understood that they were too caught up in their sexual attraction for each other to consider their very different values.  They also realized that their brief relationship was more about lust than about love (see my article: 7 Signs Your Relationship is Based on Lust and Not Love).

They decided to continue to see each other until Sandy left for her graduate school program in Ann Arbor.  

After that, they both eventually got into long term relationships with people who were compatible.

Conclusion

Longing and anticipation is one of the Four Cornerstones of Eroticism, according to sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin.

Whether the longing and anticipation involves a long distance relationship, pursuing a partner as part of a "chase" or unrequited love, to name just a few situations, the sexual attraction plus obstacles involved serve to heighten eroticism.  

Getting Help in Therapy

Relationship problems can be difficult to solve on your own.  

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the experience and the skills to help you resolve your problems.

Taking the first step to contact a therapist can be challenging, but it can also be the first step on your way to having a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.