Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

Many people allow their fear of failure to create obstacles in their life.  They're so afraid of what other people would think of them if they fail that they refuse to take even the most well thought out calculated risks.  Refusing to take even relatively safe risks can lead to regret in the future, so it's important to understand the root of your fears so that you don't pass up opportunities in your life only to regret it later on (see my article: Fear of Making Mistakes and Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

What Fear of Failure?
Fear of failure isn't a diagnosis.  It's an experience that many people have that often gets in the way of  their setting goals, planning or taking advantage of opportunities.

Shame is often at the core of fear of failure.  People who experience fear of failure often doubt their own capabilities even when, objectively, they are quite capable.  Self doubt causes them to back away from taking any risks.  As previously mentioned, people who experience a pervasive fear of failure often worry that if they fail, other people won't like them and they will abandon them.

The root causes of fear of failure often begin in childhood with parents who are either risk averse or who unknowingly undermine their children.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Potential Regret

Renee
Renee started psychotherapy because she was having a lot of anxiety about a major decision she was facing.

She told her psychotherapist that her director offered her a promotion with a big increase in salary for what Renee considered her "dream job" in New York City.

Although her director had a lot of confidence in Renee's ability to take on this new job, Renee had doubts and she wondered if she should remain in her current job which she could do easily rather than taking a chance on this new job and risk failing.

When her director told Renee that she had a month to consider whether or not she wanted the promotion and relocation to New York City, she became highly anxious.  She ruminated about the decision and went back and forth in her mind.

She feared that if she would be in over her head in the new job and that she would disappoint her family, friends, director and colleagues.  She also feared that the people in her life would no longer respect her if she failed.

Her close friends, who knew Renee's experience and capabilities, urged her to take the job. They had confidence in Renee's skills and expertise, and they also knew that she had always wanted to live in New York.

But her parents urged Renee not to take the promotion.  They both feared that there was too much at stake with regard to Renee's career and if she didn't succeed, she might be terminated.  Her mother advised Renee to stay where she was safe in her current job rather than risk failing.

As Renee spoke with her psychotherapist, she told her that her parents were anxious people who were very risk averse.  Her father remained in the same job for 30 years, even though he was offered promotions, because he was afraid of failing.  Her mother once had dreams as a young woman of being a designer, but she never pursued her dreams because she feared the humiliation if she didn't succeed.

Each of her parents often spoke about "what if" they had gone further in life, but their regrets were fear outweighed by their need to be "safe" and not take risks.

Renee's psychotherapist asked her to try to put aside her fears and imagine what she might actually like about the new promotion.

At first, it was difficult for Renee to imagine enjoying her promotion, but when she managed to put aside her fears, her face lit up and she seemed energized.  She talked about taking on new and exciting challenges, making a lot more money, and realizing her dream of living in New York City.

As Renee and her psychotherapist weighed the risks vs. the benefits, it soon became clear to Renee that the benefits far outweighed the risks.  She also knew, when she thought about it objectively, that she could get another job that was similar to the job she was currently doing if things didn't work out with the promotion.

When she thought objectively about what the worst thing would be if the new job didn't work out, at first, she thought about how humiliated she would feel.  But, as she continued to discuss this with her psychotherapist, she realized that her friends and family would be emotionally supportive whether she succeeded or failed.

As she continued to talk to her psychotherapist about the promotion, Renee felt excited about the new opportunity, and she decided to accept the promotion.

In the interim, she and her psychotherapist worked on stress management techniques to help Renee to manage her fear and anxiety.  Her psychotherapist also recommended that when Renee moved to New York City that she find another psychotherapist to work on the deeper underlying issues that contributed to her fear of failure.

A few months after Renee was settled into her new job and new apartment in New York City, she sought help from a psychotherapist who helped clients with fear of failure.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret

They were able to trace Renee's fear of failure back to her early childhood when her parents discouraged her from taking even the most basic risks.

Renee also remembered that her mother often expressed doubts about her abilities even when Renee was in elementary school.  Renee's sense was that her mother was being overly protective and she unknowingly caused Renee to doubt herself.  Renee had internalized her parents' fears.

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Renee's fears, which included her past fears, her current fears, and her anticipated fear of failure for the future (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As Renee was working through her fear of failure with EMDR therapy, she also set limits with her parents, especially her mother, who tended to call Renee in a state of worry and panic about Renee's new promotion.  She told her mother that she appreciated her mother's concern, but her phone calls were making her anxious and her mother needed to stop talking about all the things she feared would go wrong for Renee.

As Renee continued to work with her psychotherapist using EMDR, over time, she became more confident in her ability to do her job.  She started to let go of her fear of failure and address these issues that were under her control rather than worrying about things that weren't under her control (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Renee's confidence increased, and she received positive feedback from her new director in New York.  She also became increasingly aware that if she had turned down the promotion out of fear, she would have regretted it in the long run.  This was an important lesson for Renee with regard to balancing fear of failure vs. potential regret.

Conclusion
Life is short.  One of the common regrets expressed by older people who are close to death is that they wish they had taken more risks and not worried about what other people thought of them.

Fear of failure often has its roots in early childhood.  Whether it involved growing up with critical parents who unknowingly undermine their child's self confidence or living with risk averse parents who convey that the world is a dangerous place, children learn to fear failure and carry that fear into adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
Balancing fear of failure and potential regret is difficult to do if you're not aware of the underlying issues involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so that you can work through your fears (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than passing up opportunities that you will regret later on, you can address your fear of failure in psychotherapy so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of failure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

In prior articles, I've discussed the challenges of making changes in your life--even changes that you really want. 

See my articles: 

Fear of Change

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Overcoming Resistance to Change  

Making Changes: One Step at a Time, Preparing Emotionally For Major Changes in Your Life

Developing the Courage to Change

In this article, I'm focusing on overcoming emotional obstacles that get in the way of making the changes that you want.

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

Change is inevitable in life--both wanted and unwanted change.  While it may be logical to you why you resist making changes that you don't want, it might not be so obvious why you're struggling to make changes that you do want.

Let's take a look at some of the most common obstacles to making changes:

Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Unresolved Emotional Issues:  Unresolved emotional issues from childhood often get in the way of making changes.  If you have a longstanding belief that you're undeserving or incapable of having good things in your life, you're going to be in conflict with yourself about making changes that you want.  Similarly, if you feel powerless because of unresolved trauma, you will probably struggle to take the initiative to bring about change (see my articles: Understanding Why You're Affected By Trauma From a Long Time Ago and Overcoming Trauma: When the Past is in the Present,  ).

• Negative Habits:  Unresolved emotional issues often develop into negative habits like: negative self talk, procrastination, disorganization and other similar habits.  These negative habits become so ingrained that it's often difficult for you to see them.  Even when you see them and want to change them, it can very challenging.  For example, if you grew up feeling that you don't deserve positive things in your life, one of your habits might be an internal critic that continues to reinforce these thoughts and feelings.  After a while, these thoughts and emotions can become beliefs that are hard to challenge (see my article:  Overcoming Habitual Negative Thinking and Making Changes: Overcoming the Inner Voice of Negative Prediction).

• Negative People in Your Life:  Whether they're family members or friends, negative people in your life who reinforce your unresolved emotional issues and negative habits make it harder for you to change.  When you have negative people around you reinforcing the negative beliefs that you have about yourself, you're struggling with both internal and external challenges (see my article: Your Family Might Not Be Supportive of the Changes You're Making in Your Life and Letting Go of an Unhealthy Friendship).

So, if these are the main obstacles to making changes, how do you overcome these obstacles?  Let's take a look:

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life

• Step Back From Your Unresolved Problems and Become Aware of Their Effect on You:  If you've grown up with certain negative beliefs about yourself, you might not even question whether they're true or not.  That's why it's so important to step back so you can become aware of how unresolved problems, especially longstanding problems, are affecting you.  Awareness and acknowledgement are the first steps.  This isn't about blaming your parents or yourself--it's about trying to be more objective.  And, once you've become aware of your problems and acknowledge them, consider whether there are things you can do now to try to resolve them (see my articles: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself and Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

• Be Honest With Yourself About Negative Habits:  Once you've gained some insight into your problems, be honest with yourself about the negative habits that you've developed due to your unresolved problems.  For instance, do you tend to procrastinate when you're fearful of undertaking a certain task or goal?  Does the negative voice inside your head convince you that it's not worth making the effort because you're only going to fail, so why even try?  Once again, this isn't about blame--its about acknowledging what is and trying to find a way to change it.  Maybe you can choose one negative habit that you would like to change and work on that rather than trying to change all your negative habits at once (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination, Overcoming the "I'm Too Old To Change" Mindset and Changing Coping Strategies That No Longer Work For You: Passive Behavior).

• Re-evaluate the Negative People in Your Life:  When you think about who you let into your inner circle, do you have a lot of people who are reinforcing your already negative views about yourself?  In some ways, maybe you feel comfortable with these negative people because they reinforce your already negative views and also reinforce your propensity not to take risks.  But making changes often involves taking certain risks, so be honest with yourself as to how these people are affecting you.  This doesn't mean that you have to get rid of these people from your life (although you might decide to do that).  It could also mean that maybe they're not in the inner circle, and you include supportive people in your inner circle instead.

But you might take these steps and still feel like you're stuck in a rut (see my articles: Getting Out of a Rut - Part 1 and Getting Out of a Rut - Part 2: Taking Steps).  Then what?

It's possible that you might have unconscious thoughts and feelings that are getting in your way.  Since these thoughts and feelings are unconscious, it's hard to detect them on your own.  You might get glimpses of them in your dreams or even in your daydreams, but most of the time they will elude you (see my article: What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?).

Getting Help in Therapy
When you're trying to overcome obstacles to making changes in your life and you're unable to do it on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled psychotherapist who has experience helping people to overcome these obstacles, especially ones that you're not aware of because they're unconscious (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Overcoming Obstacles to Making Changes in Your Life: Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled therapist can help you to identify these obstacles and provide you with the tools to overcome them.

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help in therapy can help you to make positive changes in your life so that you can lead a happier and more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the obstacles that are keeping them from maximizing their potential.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

There's a lot of pressure these days for people to look and behave a certain way--so much so that people often don't feel comfortable being themselves.  Many people get caught up in the belief that there's a certain way they're supposed to be and if they're not that way, there's something wrong with them.

Learning to Feel Comfortable With Being Yourself

What a dull world it would be if we all looked and acted the same.  One of the things that makes life interesting is that each of us is unique.

Here are some tips for feeling comfortable with being yourself:

• Stop Criticizing Yourself: It's bad enough when other people are criticizing you or pressuring you to be different from who you really are.  But when you're doing it to yourself with constant self criticism, that's even worse.  But you can learn to stop these automatic negative thoughts by, first, becoming aware of them and then making a determined effort to shift your attention away from your own self criticism.  You might become aware that you have "old tapes" playing in your mind from critical parents or other early experiences.  Try to develop an awareness that these "old tapes" are from then and not now.  

• Stop People Pleasing: Become aware if you have a pattern of constantly seeking other people's approval.  And, if you do, ask yourself why. Being considerate and caring towards others is different from constantly needing their approval.  When you tend to need other people's approval, you're placing other people first and placing yourself second. You're also giving them a lot of power over you.  Also, when you engage people pleasing, you're not being your authentic self.  You're accommodating others by shifting how you behave, which makes you come across as inauthentic.  There will always be someone that you're not going to be able to please, no matter what you do.  So, it's better to know what you want and need for yourself and learn to feel comfortable with that.

• Trust Your Judgment and Intuition: Unless you know that you have a history of using poor judgment in your life, trust your own judgment and intuition for yourself.  Most people have a "gut" feeling of what's right for them, but when they're not comfortable with themselves, they rely too much on others to tell them how they should be and what they should do. This doesn't mean that you can't seek advice from loved ones or from a mentor.  But you need to make your own decisions after you get their input.  

• Learn That It's Okay to Make Mistakes: It's inevitable--we all make mistakes.  But if you're so fearful of making mistakes that you allow yourself to stagnate, you're not going to learn from your  mistakes.  

• Develop Your Own Way of Being in the World: Part of getting comfortable with being yourself is getting to know yourself and developing your own way of being in the world.  Change is inevitable.  Who you are today is probably somewhat different from who you were 10 or 15 years ago.  And who you'll be in the future will probably change in some ways. You might experience yourself as being in a state of transition, which can be confusing or it can be exhilarating or both, depending upon how you deal with change.

• Remain Open and Curious: Remaining open and curious to others and the world around you will give you an opportunity to have new experiences and to "sample" new ideas and feelings.  You can take what you like and leave the rest, as the saying goes.

• Keep a Journal: Journaling about what comes up for you can be very useful.  By journaling, you capture your feelings and concretize them by writing them down.  This applies to intense feelings as well as feelings that might be fleeting. Journaling can be a way of dialoging with yourself.  Often, when you write down what you're feeling, you gain insight into a part of yourself that you might not have experienced before.  If nothing else, journaling can provide you with a release for your emotions, rather than keeping them bottled up inside.

• Take Action: As you develop an increased awareness about the tips that I've listed above, you can begin to take steps that will help you to feel more comfortable with being yourself.  So, for instance, if you recognize that you have a tendency to constantly seek others' approval, notice when you feel the impulse to do this and see what it's like to make an effort not to do it.  Notice what feelings might come up:  Do you feel good about resisting the urge to seek approval or does it make you feel insecure?  What other feelings come up?  Write it down in your journal.

Getting Help in Therapy 

There's a lot that you can do on your own when you're developing the ability to feel comfortable with yourself.  But if you find that you're struggling with low self confidence or shame, or it has become too difficult to develop a sense of comfort with yourself on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional, who can help guide you through the process.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my other articles:

Developing Self Esteem and a Sense of Self Mastery

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Overcoming Codependence

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Fear of making mistakes is a huge problem for many people and it often follows them throughout their lives, sapping their lives of vitality, isolating them, and hindering them from experiencing new opportunities and experiences.

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

Fear of Making Mistakes Can Start at a Young Age:
When I was in elementary school, I had a best friend and classmate who lived in my neighborhood. Let's call her Susan (not her real name). We would spend time together doing homework, either at her house or my house.

When we went to Susan's house, her mother, who was a very warm and kind woman, would hover over Susan while she was doing her homework. This became most challenging for Susan when we had to write short book reports.

Her mother would hover over Susan and practically dictate what Susan should write. As Susan was taking down her mother's words, she tried to be careful not to have any erasures on the page because her mother would ask her to start all over again on another clean page rather than turn in a page with any signs of erasures. Susan's mother meant well, but she was such a perfectionist that she made Susan feel very anxious about making mistakes.

Fear of Making Mistakes Can Start at a Young Age

When Susan was in her late teens, she continued to defer to her mother's wishes and recommendations, no matter what the subject was --her choice of college, the young men she dated, and even what she wore. Susan had such little self confidence that when she went away to college and she no longer had her mother close at hand, she agonized about even the smallest decisions. She was so afraid of making a mistake that every choice became ominous and anxiety provoking for her.

Since Susan didn't grow up in an environment where she learned to make age-appropriate decisions along the way, she panicked whenever she was faced with even a relatively minor decision. Her fear worsened, as fears usually do, over time. And it got to the point where Susan would rather skip a social event than try to decide what to wear.

When it came time to choose a major, Susan allowed her mother to persuade her to become a business major. Until then, Susan was doing very well in her foundation courses, but Susan hated the business courses, and she began to fail her classes. Her failures only reinforced her lack of self confidence and contributed to Susan becoming depressed.

After the dean suggested that Susan see a counselor at the student counseling center, she began to talk about how agonizing it was for her to make choices and her fear of making mistakes. While it's true that most of us don't like making mistakes, Susan's fear was exaggerated beyond all logic. Her fear of making mistakes was paralyzing her and making her world very small and narrow.

Fortunately, Susan was able to work on her fear in counseling. Over time, she learned to let go of her fear by asking herself. "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Usually, when she asked herself this, she realized that, most of the time, nothing monumental was at stake. But she also knew that, on an emotional level, it felt like something awful would happen if she made a mistake.

Through trial and error, Susan began to practice making relatively small decisions and working on her fear of making a mistake as it came up. She began to realize that she had internalized her mother's perfectionism and her mother's own fears about making mistakes. As she learned to let go of her fear, she was able to relax more and she began to see that she actually had good judgement when she made decisions, and her fears were groundless. Emotionally, this was very freeing for Susan, as if a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

Inevitably, as we all do, Susan did make mistakes when she made decisions. But, just like anyone else, she learned from her mistakes. Over time, she also began to trust her intuition more. Rather than suffering in business courses that she hated, Susan changed her major to liberal arts, and she was much happier. Her grades also improved tremendously. She began socializing more and enjoying herself. And when her mother tried to persuade her to go against what she knew was best for her, Susan told her, tactfully, that she wanted to make her own decisions. She said, "If I make a mistake, I'll deal with it."

As you can imagine, this wasn't what Susan's mother wanted to hear but, reluctantly, she respected Susan's right to make decisions and to make mistakes.

Earlier this week, I was in a children's store. While I was searching for a gift for a young child, I watched two different parents interact with their daughters in quite different ways.

Both girls were about four years old. One of them was very neatly dressed in a matching outfit. Her father was "helping" her to pick out a new outfit. Whenever she chose something that he didn't like, he expressed his disapproval by shaking his head "no" and telling her that the color was wrong or there was some other problem in his eyes.

I watched as the young girl became frustrated with her father's criticism of whatever she liked. Eventually, she gave up and told him to choose something for her. Apparently, not understanding how discouraging he was being with his daughter, the father looked delighted to buy what he liked for his daughter rather than allowing her to pick it out. He picked out an outfit that he liked and he showed it to his daughter. She shrugged her shoulders in resignation. He took that as approval and bought the outfit for her.

The other little girl was having a very different experience with her mother. Although she was well groomed, it was obvious that this little girl picked out her own outfit to wear that day. She had on a mismatched tee shirt and shorts with clashing colors. But it didn't seem to matter to her mother. She allowed her daughter to choose what she wanted to wear that day. And, other than telling her daughter to keep her choice below a certain price range, she was pleased with whatever her daughter chose. This little girl seemed much more confident, and she was enjoying her shopping excursion with her mother.

So, we can see how fear of making mistakes can start at a young age. And parents might not even realize the effect that they are having on their children when they don't allow them to start making age-appropriate decisions along the way.

Fear of Making Mistakes is Not Limited to Any Particular Group:
Fear of making mistakes is not limited to a particular age group, gender or a particular profession. Several years ago, I was at a training workshop with about 40 other psychotherapists. Most of us are seasoned clinicians with diverse backgrounds. Our trainer could not have been more open, skilled, informative, and compassionate. Yet, even in that nurturing environment, many therapists expressed their fears of learning a new treatment modality because they feared making mistakes.

After a while, when she realized what was happening, our trainer would start the day by saying, "Please, please make mistakes. Make lots of mistakes. I really mean it," which elicited knowing smiles and laughter. She told us that the only way that we could learn this new treatment modality was to risk making mistakes as we practiced on each other.

Fortunately, the trainer's encouragement to "please make mistakes" was very freeing, and allowed clinicians to practice a treatment modality that was completely different from anything that they had done before. They began to feel more confident in terms of practicing with each oher, "playing" with the modality, and seeing how it fit in with what they already knew.

Fear of Making Mistakes Can Limit Your Life, Causing You to Stagnate:

When you allow your fears about making mistakes to prevent you from trying new things, you might not realize how limiting this can be in your life. If you're always "playing if safe," hardly ever trying anything new or taking risks, you impose a very circumscribed life for yourself. Everything becomes dull and predictable. And rather than grow and learn from mistakes, you stagnate.

Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes

If you think that you're overwhelmed by your fear of making mistakes, you can start by asking yourself whose voice is getting replayed in your head. Is it one of your parents? A former schoolteacher? Or some other authority from your childhood? Those "old tapes" from your childhood can be very powerful. Without your even realizing it, you could be giving in to your fears in order to avoid making mistakes.

Some of our greatest inventors, like Thomas Edison, were willing to try and try again, making many mistakes along the way, until they achieved their goals. If these inventors were too afraid of making mistakes, we wouldn't have the wonderful inventions that they eventually created.

Getting Help in Therapy:
If you think that your fear of making mistakes is holding you back in life, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist to overcome this fear. 

Once you've overcome your fear of making mistakes, you'll probably discover that new opportunities will open up for you in your personal life and in your career.

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of making mistakes so they could broaden their horizons and lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, see my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.