Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

Many people allow their fear of failure to create obstacles in their life.  They're so afraid of what other people would think of them if they fail that they refuse to take even the most well thought out calculated risks.  Refusing to take even relatively safe risks can lead to regret in the future, so it's important to understand the root of your fears so that you don't pass up opportunities in your life only to regret it later on (see my article: Fear of Making Mistakes and Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

What Fear of Failure?
Fear of failure isn't a diagnosis.  It's an experience that many people have that often gets in the way of  their setting goals, planning or taking advantage of opportunities.

Shame is often at the core of fear of failure.  People who experience fear of failure often doubt their own capabilities even when, objectively, they are quite capable.  Self doubt causes them to back away from taking any risks.  As previously mentioned, people who experience a pervasive fear of failure often worry that if they fail, other people won't like them and they will abandon them.

The root causes of fear of failure often begin in childhood with parents who are either risk averse or who unknowingly undermine their children.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Potential Regret

Renee
Renee started psychotherapy because she was having a lot of anxiety about a major decision she was facing.

She told her psychotherapist that her director offered her a promotion with a big increase in salary for what Renee considered her "dream job" in New York City.

Although her director had a lot of confidence in Renee's ability to take on this new job, Renee had doubts and she wondered if she should remain in her current job which she could do easily rather than taking a chance on this new job and risk failing.

When her director told Renee that she had a month to consider whether or not she wanted the promotion and relocation to New York City, she became highly anxious.  She ruminated about the decision and went back and forth in her mind.

She feared that if she would be in over her head in the new job and that she would disappoint her family, friends, director and colleagues.  She also feared that the people in her life would no longer respect her if she failed.

Her close friends, who knew Renee's experience and capabilities, urged her to take the job. They had confidence in Renee's skills and expertise, and they also knew that she had always wanted to live in New York.

But her parents urged Renee not to take the promotion.  They both feared that there was too much at stake with regard to Renee's career and if she didn't succeed, she might be terminated.  Her mother advised Renee to stay where she was safe in her current job rather than risk failing.

As Renee spoke with her psychotherapist, she told her that her parents were anxious people who were very risk averse.  Her father remained in the same job for 30 years, even though he was offered promotions, because he was afraid of failing.  Her mother once had dreams as a young woman of being a designer, but she never pursued her dreams because she feared the humiliation if she didn't succeed.

Each of her parents often spoke about "what if" they had gone further in life, but their regrets were fear outweighed by their need to be "safe" and not take risks.

Renee's psychotherapist asked her to try to put aside her fears and imagine what she might actually like about the new promotion.

At first, it was difficult for Renee to imagine enjoying her promotion, but when she managed to put aside her fears, her face lit up and she seemed energized.  She talked about taking on new and exciting challenges, making a lot more money, and realizing her dream of living in New York City.

As Renee and her psychotherapist weighed the risks vs. the benefits, it soon became clear to Renee that the benefits far outweighed the risks.  She also knew, when she thought about it objectively, that she could get another job that was similar to the job she was currently doing if things didn't work out with the promotion.

When she thought objectively about what the worst thing would be if the new job didn't work out, at first, she thought about how humiliated she would feel.  But, as she continued to discuss this with her psychotherapist, she realized that her friends and family would be emotionally supportive whether she succeeded or failed.

As she continued to talk to her psychotherapist about the promotion, Renee felt excited about the new opportunity, and she decided to accept the promotion.

In the interim, she and her psychotherapist worked on stress management techniques to help Renee to manage her fear and anxiety.  Her psychotherapist also recommended that when Renee moved to New York City that she find another psychotherapist to work on the deeper underlying issues that contributed to her fear of failure.

A few months after Renee was settled into her new job and new apartment in New York City, she sought help from a psychotherapist who helped clients with fear of failure.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret

They were able to trace Renee's fear of failure back to her early childhood when her parents discouraged her from taking even the most basic risks.

Renee also remembered that her mother often expressed doubts about her abilities even when Renee was in elementary school.  Renee's sense was that her mother was being overly protective and she unknowingly caused Renee to doubt herself.  Renee had internalized her parents' fears.

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Renee's fears, which included her past fears, her current fears, and her anticipated fear of failure for the future (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As Renee was working through her fear of failure with EMDR therapy, she also set limits with her parents, especially her mother, who tended to call Renee in a state of worry and panic about Renee's new promotion.  She told her mother that she appreciated her mother's concern, but her phone calls were making her anxious and her mother needed to stop talking about all the things she feared would go wrong for Renee.

As Renee continued to work with her psychotherapist using EMDR, over time, she became more confident in her ability to do her job.  She started to let go of her fear of failure and address these issues that were under her control rather than worrying about things that weren't under her control (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Renee's confidence increased, and she received positive feedback from her new director in New York.  She also became increasingly aware that if she had turned down the promotion out of fear, she would have regretted it in the long run.  This was an important lesson for Renee with regard to balancing fear of failure vs. potential regret.

Conclusion
Life is short.  One of the common regrets expressed by older people who are close to death is that they wish they had taken more risks and not worried about what other people thought of them.

Fear of failure often has its roots in early childhood.  Whether it involved growing up with critical parents who unknowingly undermine their child's self confidence or living with risk averse parents who convey that the world is a dangerous place, children learn to fear failure and carry that fear into adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
Balancing fear of failure and potential regret is difficult to do if you're not aware of the underlying issues involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so that you can work through your fears (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than passing up opportunities that you will regret later on, you can address your fear of failure in psychotherapy so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of failure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Procrastination in an Uncertain World

Living in an uncertain world, most of us would love to have access to a crystal ball where we could determine with absolute certainty what was going to happen in our lives, especially when we're faced with major decisions.  I'm sure we'd like some happy surprises from time to time just to keep things interesting.  Unfortunately, much of the time we're attempting to make decisions based on whatever information we have at the time so, as adults, we need to be able to tolerate a certain amount of uncertainty.

Uncertainty and Procrastination
One of the problems with feeling the need for absolute certainty before taking action is that it leads to procrastination for many people.  Constantly weighing the pros and cons, seeking more and more information, and ruminating about the possible outcomes can keep you stuck in your tracks.  So, it's important to realize that if you've stuck obsessively weighing every possible outcome to a decision, you could procrastinate indefinitely and not take much-needed action.

Overcoming Procrastination and the Need for Absolute Certainty

The following fictionalized vignette, which is based on many cases with no identifying information revealed, illustrates how the need for absolute certainty can become problematic and what can be done to overcome this problem:

Nina
Nina was raised by a single mother, who struggled financially to take care of Nina and her three other children.  Every financial decision that Nina's mother made was carefully weighed in the context of their limited household budget and the mother's insecure job as a non-unionized factory employee.

Nina's mother worried a lot about what she would do and how the family would survive if she lost her job.  Even as a young child, Nina was very aware that she and her family lived in the shadow of constant uncertainty.

Nina knew from stories her mother told her that the boss at the factory would fire employees at the drop of a hat.  So, whenever her mother came home looking anxious, which was often, Nina held her breath and her first anxious thought was that her mother had lost her job.  When she realized that her mother was reacting to something else that happened at work and she had not lost her job, Nina would let out a sigh of relief and breathe normally again.

Nina did well in school and she managed to get a scholarship to go to college, which was fortunate because her mother didn't have the money to pay for college and Nina feared the possibility of being in debt with student loans and not being able to pay them back.

After college, Nina had two excellent job offers, but she had a hard time making a choice.  She weighed the pros and cons of both job offers. She researched each company thoroughly.
She sought advice from her college advisors and her friends.  But even with all this information, Nina felt paralyzed to make a decision.

After a few weeks, one of the companies rescinded the offer and gave the job to someone else.  So, fearing she might lose the other offer, Nina quickly accepted the other job.

By the time Nina came to therapy several years later, she had many other similar experiences where she struggled and procrastinated to the point where she felt too paralyzed to move forward.  Even though she earned a very good salary, she was living as if she was still part of a household that was always strapped for cash.  Basically, she was reliving her mother's experience without realizing it.

Our work together involved using clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing to help Nina overcome her childhood trauma of an impoverished family life.

We worked on helping Nina to feel less emotionally enmeshed with her mother's experience and to feel like a separate person.

We also worked to help her "update" her emotional experience to reflect that she was no longer an anxious child worrying about whether the family would survive.  Of course, Nina already knew this on a rational level, but she didn't feel it on an emotional level.

Then, to start, we worked on getting Nina to get comfortable making relatively low-risk decisions, so she could begin to overcome her habitual pattern of procrastination.  Over time, we progressed to more complex decisions.  Rather than just talking about her problem, each week Nina worked on a particular task that we agreed upon in advance and then she came back the following week to talk about her experience.

The work wasn't easy or quick for Nina, but she was motivated to overcome her need for absolute certainty because she was tired of living her life filled with anxiety about personal decisions to the point where she felt paralyzed.  And, gradually, she made progress.  She developed a greater emotional capacity to tolerate uncertainty, a new sense of self confidence, and an ability to take action.

Clinical Hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing Can Help You to Overcome Trauma and the Need for Absolute Certainty That Causes Procrastination
My experience as a psychotherapist, who has worked with many adult clients who are affected by childhood trauma, a fear of change, and habitual procrastination, is that just talking about it in therapy isn't enough.  People often develop insight and an intellectual understanding of their problems when they just talk about it but, often, this doesn't result in change.

Both clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, as I use them, allow psychotherapy clients to have a mind-body connection experience so the therapeutic work isn't just on an intellectual level.  Clients tend to experience it on an emotional and physical as well as intellectual level.  It's a holistic experience that provides an opportunity for an emotional shift to occur so that clients can take action to make changes.

I've included links below under Resources so you can find out more about clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.

Taking Action
Taking action is an important component in my work with clients.  While talking about the problem is important, it's vital that the client take action to make changes, otherwise, more than likely, the problem isn't going to change, especially when the problem is about procrastination, fear and dealing with uncertainty.

Overcoming Procrastination:  Getting Help in Therapy

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're having problems overcoming habitual procrastination, you owe it to yourself to get help from a skilled, licensed mental heath professional who works with clients on this issue.

Imagine what your life might be like in five or 10 or 20 years if you continue to have this problem.   Then, try to imagine what your life could be like if you were free from this problem and you could be more confident and spontaneous in the world.

Which life would you prefer?

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.