Tips on How to Stop Overthinking

What is Overthinking?

Overthinking, which is also called rumination, is when you dwell on the same thought, feeling or situation over and over again. 

When overthinking is habitual, it can be disruptive to your life.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking usually falls into two categories: Ruminating about the past or worrying about the future (see my article: Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Engaging in habitual overthinking is unproductive and can make you feel stuck. 

How to Stop Overthinking

For instance, if you're trying to make a decision and you continuously ruminate about it, you might find it increasingly difficult to make the decision and miss an important deadline (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: No Decision Becomes a Decision in Time).

When Does Overthinking Become Unhealthy?

Overthinking can become unhealthy when it:

• Prevents you from taking action

• Interferes with your daily life

• Creates stress in your life

• Has a negative impact on your sense of well-being

What Are the Signs of Overthinking?

• Having the same recurring thoughts, worries or fears over and over

• Getting stuck in imagining worst case scenarios

• Replaying a negative event from the past in your mind over and over again

• Repeatedly worrying about a future event

• Getting stuck in negative thoughts so that you have difficulty concentrating on anything else

• Continuously rethinking decisions you have already made

• Being unable to move on to the next step in a decision-making process because you're stuck ruminating about steps you have already taken

How Are Cognitive Distortions Connected to Overthinking?

People who engage in cognitive distortions tend to engage in overthinking (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You Overcome Cognitive Distortions).

How to Stop Overthinking

Cognitive distortions include but are not limited to:

• All or Nothing Thinking: Things are either black or white

• Catastrophizing: Focusing on the worst possible outcome in a situation

• Overgeneralizing: Making an assumption that things will always be a certain way based on few examples

• Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming. you know how things will turn out based on little to no evidence

• Mind Reading: Believing you know what someone else is thinking without any evidence

Why Do People Engage in Overthinking?

Some people are more prone to be overthinkers than others.

Perfectionists and overachievers are often overthinkers. This is often due to their need to be perfect and their fear of failure (see my articles: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Is Overthinking Connected to Other Mental Health Issues?

Overthinking isn't a mental health disorder, but it's often connected to:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 

• Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

How is Overthinking Connected to Stress?

High levels of stress can lead to overthinking among people who have a tendency to overthink situations.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking, in turn, can create a high level of stress, especially when people feel stuck in a pattern of rumination and worry.

Basic Tips That Can Help You to Stop Overthinking

In my next article, I'll focus on a particular tool called a pattern interruptor (see my article: How to Use Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking).

For now, here are some basic tips for overcoming overthinking that might work for you:

• Practice Mindfulness: Become aware of your particular way of overthinking and just observe it in a nonjudgmental and self compassionate way.

How to Stop Overthinking

• Keep a Journal: Journaling helps you to become aware of the particular issues you ruminate about so you can begin to see your specific pattern of overthinking.

• Challenge Your Thoughts (see my article: Your Thoughts Aren't Facts)

• Get Perspective From Close Friends: People who know you well are probably aware of your tendency to overthink things. You can get feedback from them in terms of what patterns they have noticed in you.

Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Seek Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking. Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping people who tend to engage in overthinking.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

In my prior article,  Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult or Inner Child Perspective?, I discussed how Ego States therapy can help you to become aware of which aspect of yourself is active in any particular situation and how to shift from one self state to another self state that would be more effective.  

In the current article, I'm providing another possible way to access self states through writing. Throughout this article, I'll be using the terms parts, self states and aspects of self interchangeably.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

A psychotherapist who does Ego State therapy introduces clients to the idea that everyone is made of many different inner parts.

Many people are already familiar with the concept of the inner child as an internal aspect of themselves.  An Ego States therapist furthers this idea to include many other aspects of the self.  For instance, an adult might have an adolescent self who is operating in a particular situation as I discussed in the prior article.

The aspects of self might also be identified by a particular attitude.  For instance, adult aspects might include a judgmental self, a fearful self, a self who becomes emotionally paralyzed/freezes at times, and so on.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Aspects of Yourself
Becoming aware of your self states and making shifts between self states is easier when you have a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy, but not everyone has access to an Ego States therapist, so you can also access your various self states through writing.

Before you can have a dialogue between self states, you need to identify the self states that are involved in a particular situation.

In order to become aware of self states, you don't need to worry about what you call the particular self states.  You can use whatever names that feel right to you or you can even call them Part A and Part B if you're really not sure how to identify them.

What's more important than labeling them is developing an understanding of each self state.  At first, this might be a very basic understanding and, as you continue to work with these parts, you can develop a more in-depth understanding.

Here's A Fictional Example:
Ted
Ted is ambivalent about going back to college.  He has been thinking about it for over a year, and he can't decide what to do.

Sometimes, he feels excited about returning to college to complete his degree and the possibilities that this can open up for him.  But there are also other times when he worries that he won't do well in college and it would be a mistake to return.

His ambivalence has kept Ted feeling confused about what's best for him.  Feeling ambivalent, Ted is at an impasse and he has been unable to make a decision.

Initially, Ted isn't sure what his ambivalence is about.  He knows that there are at least two parts of him that are in conflict about going back to college.  He doesn't know why he's in conflict about it or the root of this internal conflict.

As an experiment, Ted decides to write about this conflict by having a dialogue between Part A, the part that wants to return to college, and Part B, the part that worries that he won't do well and thinks it would be a mistake to return to college.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

Keeping it simple, Ted begins by giving a voice to Part A and then allowing Part B to respond:

Part A:  I wasn't ready to be in college when I first went a year ago, but now I'm ready and excited to return.  I think it would open up many more job opportunities for me.  I want to go back.

Part B:  I'm worried that this would be a big mistake because you probably won't do well and then it would be a waste of time and money.  It's better not to risk it.

Part A:  I don't understand why you would think that I wouldn't do well.  I didn't leave because my grades weren't good. I left because I wasn't ready to be away from home, but in the last year, I've matured and I'm ready now.  Tell me more about your concerns.

Part B: I'm afraid that if I return, I might get homesick again and want to leave.  Then, I would feel like a failure.

Part A:  I understand your concerns and you might be right, but there are probably ways to address these concerns without giving up on college.

Part B:  Like what?

Part A: If I go away to college and I feel homesick, I can seek counseling at the student counseling center.  I can also choose not to return to the same college.  I could go to a local college instead where I can commute from home.

Part B: Well, those ideas sound like possibilities.  I'm open to considering it.  Let's talk about this again tomorrow.

As Ted continues to dialogue between these two parts of himself that are in conflict, he learns more about the hopes and fears of each part.  He learns the origin of his fears as Part B "talks" about other earlier times in his life when he was afraid to take risks.  In addition, he develops new ideas about how to deal with his fears.

Along the way, he might also identify other parts of himself that are involved in this conflict and gain insight into the role these other parts play.

As he continues to dialogue with these parts in writing and concretizes his various conflicting feelings, he feels calmer about it.  Now that he's writing about it and capturing his feelings on paper, he no longer has these conflicting feelings whirling around in his head in a confused state.  It's all down on paper.

As he gains insight into how his various conflicting aspects of himself are affecting his decision making process, he can address each of these issues by getting more concrete information, talking to others about it, and seeing where he might be catastrophizing about issues that aren't a catastrophe (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

By dialoguing with his various self states, he is able to put his hopes and fears in perspective, and he is in a better position to make a decision.

Conclusion
Having an internal dialogue in writing with the various parts of yourself can help you to overcome problems where you're experiencing an internal conflict.

Being able to reflect on and write about the internal conflict from the perspective of the parts involved helps you to understand yourself better and have more compassion for yourself.

Writing out dialogues between your internal parts can also stimulate more creative ideas for overcoming the conflict that you might not have thought about if you didn't write about it.

Initially, you might feel uncomfortable doing this exercise but, once you're immersed in it, you will probably find it to be a very useful tool.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the conflicting aspects of yourself as well as get to the root of your problems (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you have access to a licensed mental health professional, you have an opportunity to work through unresolved problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients using Ego States therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Many people find it difficult to make decisions about their lives, whether it involves family, romantic, relationships, friendships or career.  They approach decision making as if it is a "do or die" endeavor and fail to recognize that, with time, as the old saying goes:  "Indecision becomes decision" (anonymous quote).

Fear of Making Decisions:  Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Why Are People Afraid to Make Decision?
People who have a tendency to approach decision making with fear act as if whatever decision they make will put them on an unchangeable collision course with death.

But when you think about it, in many cases decisions that are made can be changed.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you're considering career options, rather than thinking that you'll be spending the rest of your life in a particular career, which makes possible decisions seem very daunting, you can recognize that many people change careers several times in a lifetime for a variety of reasons.

Maybe the career that they chose originally suited them at the time and no longer suits them.  Possibly, they're in a better position to do what they always wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity to do.  And so on.

Making No Decision, By Default, Becomes a Decision
You can only stand on the fence for so long before no decision becomes a decision.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you spend your whole life wondering whether or not you want to get married and you pass up compatible romantic partners along the way, at some point when you're at the end of your life, you can look back and see that your indecision became a decision to remain single.

Depending upon how you feel about being single, that might be fine.  But if you live to regret your indecision, you realize that, by default, you chose to remain single, even though you might have done it passively.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario of how indecision becomes a decision with regard to a romantic relationship:

Tom
Tom grew up in a household where his parents were constantly bickering and at odds with each other.

At an early age, Tom decided that he never wanted to get married because he believed that, even when two people entered into a marriage loving each other, over time, marriage spoiled everything.

During his senior year in college, he met Lori, a kind, intelligent, attractive woman who had many similar interests to Tom.

After they graduated college, Tom and Lori moved in together.  They lived together happily for several years--until Lori brought up marriage and having children.

Lori was already aware of Tom's feelings about marriage, but she hoped that he would change his mind  as time passed and he could see how happy they were with each other.

Tom was committed to their relationship, but he had a deep seated fear that everything would change, as it had for his parents, if he and Lori got married.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

Over the next few years, Lori was patient and he and Lori continued to talk about the possibility of getting married.

Although his fears softened somewhat over time, Tom couldn't make a decision, one way or the other, as to whether he would marry Lori.  On the one hand, this was something that Lori really wanted and he didn't want to lose her.  On the other hand, he didn't want to ruin the good relationship that they had by getting married.

But as time went by, tension grew between them about the possibility of marriage.

Feeling that she was  coming to the end of her patience, Lori told Tom that she wanted to have children with Tom and she wanted to do this as a married couple.  She didn't want to wait any longer to have children.

Reluctantly, she told Tom that she felt his indecision about marriage was actually a decision, by default, not to get married.  She told him that she would stay with him until the end of the year and if by that time, nothing changed, she would leave.

Tom also wanted to have children and, for his part, he would have been willing to have children with Lori while they were living together.  But he realized now that, for Lori, this wasn't an option.

Feeling the pressure mount and not knowing what else to do, Tom sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

As part of his therapy, Tom worked through his fears, which stemmed from unresolved emotional wounds from childhood.

Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions

Over time, Tom recognized that his perspective about marriage was distorted by his experience of his parents' marriage, and that he and Lori had a much healthier relationship.  This allowed him to make a decision to get married to Lori and start a family.

Conclusion
When you're trying to make a decision, there are no guarantees that, whatever you choose, things will work out.

But, over time, no decision becomes a passive decision to do nothing, and that's usually the worst choice.

Like Tom in the fictionalized scenario above, many people have problems making decisions because of unresolved emotional issues that taint their decision making process.  In many other cases, people learned as children to be anxious about making decisions.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of the worst feelings that someone can have at end of his or her life is to look back and say, "If only I had…" (fill in the blank) when it's now too late.

If you have a decision to make where you have been on the fence for a while, you're probably aware that, at some point, doing nothing becomes a decision not to change, and this is probably not the option that you want.

So, rather than allow time to make the decision for you by default, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients in situations similar to yours.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with fear of making a decisions to overcome this fear so they could lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence

It's not unusual that when we want to make changes in our lives, we also have mixed feelings which keep us stuck and emotionally paralyzed.  However, indecision can become a problem when they weigh us down and keep us from taking action.

Making Changes: Overcoming Ambivalence

Getting Stuck Before Taking Action
Many people are very good at thinking about solutions to their problems, getting advice, planning on paper how they will make the change, but then they get stuck when it comes to actually taking action to make the change.

Often, their own mixed feelings or fears keep them from taking the steps they need to take to make the change--even when they've thought about it a lot and decided that it's the best course to take.

This can be very frustrating for themselves as well as for their loved ones.

While it's important not to be impulsive, especially when making life-changing decisions, it's also important not to get stuck in ambivalence, doubt and indecision.

Why do people, who are often good planners, get stuck before taking the steps they need to take to follow through with their decisions?
The answer to this question is as varied as the many people who get stuck at the point of taking action.

For some people, it's a matter of feeling overwhelmed by anxiety that their decision might be the wrong one.

For other people, who tend to put off making decisions, it's a way of obsessing about their options and trying to find the "perfect" solution when there really isn't one.

Some people, who suffer with low self esteem, don't trust their own judgement. And so on.

Are you stuck at the planning stage about making changes in your life?
Are you feeling frustrated because you don't understand why you can't get to the next step, even though you feel that you really want to make a change?

Rather than being hard on yourself about it and putting yourself down, it's better to become curious about your own process.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you can't seem to get yourself "unstuck," instead of wasting more days, weeks, months or even years, trying to do the same thing on your own that hasn't worked for you before, consider psychotherapy as an option to help you get moving to where you want to go in your life.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you stuck so you can take action to make the changes you want to make.

I'm a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who has helped many clients to get "unstuck" so they can take action to lead more fulfilling lives.   

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

Call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me to set up a consultation.

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Standing at the proverbial crossroad is something that everyone faces at some point in his or her life. It can be an exhilarating time with new hope and possibilities or it can be a fearful, paralyzing time that keeps you frozen in stagnation. 

How you respond when you're standing at the crossroad might depend on many factors, including your comfort level with change, how you respond to risk, your personal history, your self confidence, whether you chose to be at this particular crossroad, your life stage, and your view of the world.

Fear of Making a Major Life Decisions

If you look forward to new challenges, you'll have an easier time than if you feel fearful and frozen by the possibility of making changes. Ideally, if you've considered the risks of the particular paths available to you, if you feel optimistic about your decision-making abilities and your ability to make a course correction, if needed, standing at the crossroads can be an exciting time.

But if the thought of making a major life decision makes you want to pull the covers over your head, you could benefit from seeking the help of a trusted friend, family member, or a licensed mental health professional. Friends and family members can be helpful when you're faced with major life decisions. But if they have the same trepidation about making major life decisions, they might reinforce your own fears.

Even for some people who relished challenges in their teens and 20s, making a major life decision when they're older can be daunting.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is not about any one particular person, is an example of how a person can overcome his fear when faced with making a major life decision:

Ben:
Ben had fantasized about starting his own consulting firm for many years. He often thought about what it might be like to be his own boss, make his own hours, and reap the benefits of his hard work. But Ben felt comfortable working for the large consulting firm where he had worked for more than 20 years. He earned a good salary, and he felt secure. So, even though Ben daydreamed about working for himself, especially when he felt frustrated about his job, he never seriously considered how he could turn his fantasy into a reality.

Every so often when Ben came home and complained to his wife, Barbara, about his frustrations at work, she would remind him about his dream of having his own business. She would encourage him to think seriously about it, especially now that their children had graduated from college and were in good jobs, and she was doing well at her law firm. She told him that he had the skills, knowledge, and the contacts to be successful. And even if it took a while for him to get his business off the ground, her salary would more than see them through. Most of all, she told him, he would be happier.

On some level, Ben knew that Barbara was right. But he couldn't get himself to even consider making a plan for a potential new business. Whenever he even started to consider the possibility, he felt a churning in his gut and he pushed the idea out of his mind.

Barbara was aware of how frightening it was for Ben, so she never pushed the idea on him. However, she told him that she remembered a time, when they both were in their 20s, that he would have jumped at the chance, if they had been in a better financial situation at the time. She told Ben that she remembered when he was more comfortable taking risks back then. She reminded him of the time, after he graduated college, when he traveled all over Europe, staying in youth hostels, taking odd jobs to support himself, and loving the sense of adventure that he felt.

At the time, Ben's parents wanted him to settle down and find a secure job. Having lived through the Depression, his parents tended to be anxious about finances, even though they were financially secure by the time that Ben was in college. But, at the time, he was living out his dream to see countries that he had always fantasized about.

Whenever Ben thought about that time, he smiled to himself. He had fond memories of his travels after college. He knew that he was much more adventurous at that time, and he often wondered whatever happened to that more daring part of himself. But whenever he had these thoughts, he would soon dismiss them and focus on his life now.

One day Ben was called into his director's office. As soon as he entered the office, he saw that the human resources director was also there. After a few moments, his director told Ben that he was very sorry to inform him that he was being laid off due to company cutbacks. Ben's mouth went dry. He felt like he was having a bad dream. The human resources director told Ben that they could possibly save his job if he was willing to take a significant pay cut. He told Ben that he should think it over, talk to his wife, and get back to them by the end of the month. He also told Ben that if he chose not to take the pay cut, he would be laid off with the standard severance.

When Ben left the director's office, his mind was reeling. He was unable to focus on anything for the rest of the day. He had always assumed that, since he had been there for so long, his job was secure.

When he talked to Barbara, he told her that he felt hurt and angry to be treated this way by the company that he had been loyal to for more than 20 years. He was especially angry about the possibility of remaining with the company and taking a large pay cut. But then he thought about his parents, who put financial security above all else, and he thought that maybe he should take the pay cut rather than be out of a job. He went back and forth in his conversation with his wife, trying to decide if he should stay or go.

Barbara listened patiently to what Ben had to say, and when he finished, she told him that she thought he would be selling himself short if he took the offer to stay with a reduced salary. She thought he deserved much better than this. She also told him that this would be a perfect time to start his own business.

Ben felt gripped with fear. He also felt a lot of pressure to make a decision by the end of the month. Rationally, he knew that Barbara was right. They could live comfortably on her salary. They were not in debt. They also had ample savings. He knew that there was no rational reason why he couldn't take a leap of faith and start his own business. He also knew, deep down, that he would be successful. And yet, something stopped him. He felt paralyzed by fear.

Even though he had never been in therapy before, he sought the help of a psychotherapist so that he could work through whatever fears were keeping him frozen in his tracks. After a few sessions, Ben realized that he had taken on his parents' fears about financial security. He couldn't understand how or when this happened because, when he was younger, he never wanted to be this way. But he realized that, over the years, these fears, while not as great as his parents', kept him from taking risks in his life.

With the help of his therapist, who used hypnotherapy, Ben was able to access and tap into that younger, more adventurous part of himself. He began to experience, on a visceral level, how excited and happy he felt when he used to face new challenges. And even though he was no longer in his 20s, he learned to tap into that part of himself to find the courage to face this major life decision before him.

By the end of the month, Ben informed his director that he would take the severance package. He felt exhilarated and comfortable with his decision. He also began working hard at beginning his new business. And whenever he felt his old fears come up again, he worked with his therapist to overcome those obstacles.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're standing at the crossroads, facing a major life decision, rather than remaining frozen by fear, you can realize that you're not alone and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. You might find, especially if you choose to work with a psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis, that you're able to access a more daring, adventurous part of yourself. 

This might even be a part of yourself that you never even knew that you had. And, often, when you begin to access that part of yourself in one area of your life, you will experience the upward spiral in many other areas of your life too.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome their fears about making major life decisions so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.