Relationships: Coping With a Passive Partner

Coping with a passive partner can be very frustrating. 

When you ask them what they want to do when it comes to making decisions, you might get a response like, "Whatever you want to do" or "I don't know. It doesn't matter to me."

Coping With a Passive Partner

You're Carrying the Mental Load When It Comes to Making Decisions

Not only is it frustrating to get passive responses from your partner, but it also places you in the position of carrying the mental load for decision-making, which can be exhausting (see my article: Sharing the Mental Load in Your Relationship).

Passivity is Often Centered Around Anxiety That Originated in Your Partner's Childhood

Your partner might not realize it, but their passivity is probably part of a maladaptive coping strategy they learned unconsciously in childhood (see my article: Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Passive Behavior).

Coping With a Passive Partner

When stress goes up, your partner's anxiety and passive response get activated. This is often a learned response from seeing one or both parents respond to stress with passivity. 

Children, who grow up to be passive adults, often learn to stay under the radar by being passive, especially if they had siblings who responded to family stress by being vocal or acting out. 

If your partner witnessed the negative consequences to their sibling, your partner learned to be passive so they wouldn't suffer the same consequences.

Passivity and Low Self Esteem From Childhood

Your partner might have developed low self esteem in childhood from subtle or not-so-subtle messages they received.

For instance, it's possible that when they needed emotional support as a child, one or both parents, who might have been emotionally avoidant, might have criticized them ("Stop acting like a baby!" or "Don't bother me. Figure it out yourself").

When a child gets a negative response when they want emotional support, they usually don't think there's anything wrong with their parent--they believe their parents are right. 

The child comes away feeling, "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable".  

They learn to appease their parents by not complaining and fawning as part of a trauma response.

These feelings of being unworthy carry over into adulthood including adult relationships. This can result in not trusting their own judgment so they either defer to you or find another way to avoid dealing with whatever decision needs to be made.

Another common childhood problem is that their parents might not have been capable of managing their own emotions so your partner, as a child, might have over-functioned for the  parents through a role reversal where the they took care of the parents.

Perfectionism Related to Childhood Experiences

Another way that a passive partner might cope with anxiety is to resort to perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

This usually involves all or nothing thinking. When they think they can't do it perfectly, they avoid the situation or leave it for you to handle.

Problems Expressing Emotions

Since your partner might not have learned to identify their feelings as a child because they deferred to a parent, they probably have problems identifying and expressing emotions now, especially so-called negative emotions, like anger or sadness, because they haven't developed emotional intelligence (EQ).

This means they can't assert themselves because they don't know what they feel and, even if they do, they're afraid to be vulnerable enough to express it.

Problems With Change

There might be many reasons why your partner might have problems with change. 

It's possible that their parents didn't cope well with change so your partner never saw this coping skill modeled for them.

Since change is an inevitable part of life, your partner probably struggles with transitions.  Rather than face the change in an assertive way, your partner might sink into passivity, which leaves you to deal with the change.

Problems Initiating Sex

If your partner's lack of confidence includes lack of sexual confidence, they might have problems initiating sex (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Adult Relationships).

This can make you feel your partner doesn't love you or doesn't find you sexually appealing. But their lack of initiation might not mean this at all. It might have nothing to do with you--it might have more to do with how your partner feels about him or herself.

If you're the one who is usually initiating sex, you might be fed up. 

This often results in no sex--possibly for long periods of time--because you and your partner might both be avoid dealing with sex (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If this has happened in your relationship and talking about it hasn't helped, you and your partner could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

How to Cope With a Passive Partner

• Ask Your Partner to Be in Charge of a Particular Task: Rather than taking on all the decision-making responsibilities, ask your partner to be in charge of a relatively easy task to begin with so your partner is more likely to experience success with it. If your partner does it, don't try to manage it or criticize your partner's efforts.

• Talk to Your Partner About Upcoming Changes in Advance: If your partner has problems with change, try to provide advanced notice if you can. For instance, if you know there's an upcoming event you both need to attend, tell your partner in advance of the event instead of bringing it up at the last minute. This might not always be possible because change can occur without warning, but if you know in advance, tell your partner so your partner has time to adjust.

• Encourage Your Partner to Express So-Called Negative Emotions: Since your partner might have had their feelings squelched as a child, encourage your partner to express so-called negative emotions to you so they might feel safer doing it. Whether your partner feels sad, angry, frustrated, impatient or whatever they might feel, be supportive as long as they express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way. When they do express these feelings, give them positive feedback.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to resolve problems on your own, seek help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own and continuing to get stuck in the same negative cycle, get help from a skilled couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

    See my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT For Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.