The Burden of Better Fortune: Understanding Survivor Guilt in Family Dynamics

Survivor guilt within family systems is a complex, deeply painful psychological phenomenon that occurs when an individual experiences a sense of intense remorse, unworthiness, or responsibility because they have escaped a hardship that others in their family could not. 

Abstract geometric design representing the transparent, overlapping boundaries and invisible loyalties within a family architecture—a clinical focus treated by Greenwich Village, Manhattan, NYC psychotherapist Josephine Ferraro, LCSW (10011).

Whether surviving an acute tragedy or achieving a higher quality of life than loved ones, the "survivor" is often plagued by an irrational sense of accountability for the suffering of their family members.

From a psychodynamic perspective, this is known as pathogenic guilt—an unconscious belief that one's own safety, happiness, or success has been extracted directly at the expense of another family member's well-being.

The Three Catalysts of Family Survivor Guilt

Survivor guilt is rarely logical, yet it forms a powerful unconscious framework. It typically originates from three distinct systemic contexts:

1. Acute Traumatic Loss

This manifests when an individual survives a catastrophic event—such as a fatal car accident, a natural disaster, or a sudden medical emergency—that claimed the life or health of a sibling, parent or relative. The survivor is left to wrestle with the agonizing, unanswerable question: "Why them and not me?"

2. Transgenerational and Intergenerational Trauma

When older generations have endured systemic atrocities, war, severe poverty, state-sanctioned oppression, or institutional violence, the younger generation frequently carries an invisible psychological burden. Even though these younger family members did not physically experience the trauma, they develop profound guilt for having an "easier" life than their ancestors, treating their own safety as an unearned luxury (see my guide: What is Intergenerational Trauma?)

3. Socioeconomic and Success Guilt

When a single individual achieves academic distinction, financial independence or career mobility while their family of origin remains trapped in systemic scarcity, a profound relational disruption often occurs. The successful individual may experience a deep sense of self-blame, feeling as though their achievements represent an act of betrayal or abandonment of their roots.

How Survivor Guilt Manifests as Maladaptive Defenses

To manage the exhausting weight of pathogenic guilt, individuals deploy a variety of protective, yet ultimately self-destructive, behavioral scripts:

• Social and Relational Withdrawal: Intentionally isolating oneself from family gatherings or peer networks as an unconscious strategy to avoid facing the contrast in circumstances.
• Compulsive Overprotectiveness: Attempting to micro-manage the safety and choices of remaining family members to ward off another anticipated loss.
• Anhedonia and the Rejection of Joy: Developing an internalized belief that one does not deserve to experience pleasure, success, or romantic fulfillment. This often leads to chronic self-sabotage, professional underachievement or somatic numbing.
• Compulsive Atoning Behaviors: Engaging in over-giving, financial over-extension, or codependent people-pleasing to "pay back" an imaginary generational debt to the family system.

Clinical Vignettes: The Systems in Action

The following composites are drawn from real-world clinical themes with all identifying information removed o illustrate how unresolved survival scripts fracture adult well-being.

Alan's Story: The Weight of the Eldest Sibling

When Alan was 15, he and his 13-year-old brother, Tom, went surfing during the off-season, disregarding posted warning signs about rough waves from an impending hurricane. While Alan rested on the shore, Tom was swept away by a rip current and drowned.

Though his family never blamed him, Alan internalized total responsibility as the older brother. His shame manifested as hypervigilant overprotection of his younger siblings. Later in life, as Alan achieved significant corporate success in Manhattan, his survivor guilt mutated into severe self-sabotage, including excessive drinking to numb his internal critic. When his physician connected his alcohol dependency to escalating high blood pressure, Alan was referred to trauma therapy to address the underlying traumatic grief.

Linda's Story: The Silent Concentration Camp

Linda's grandmother survived a concentration camp in Poland during the Holocaust but never spoke of her experiences. However, the grandmother's trauma lived on somatically through severe food hoarding and an inability to eat anything beyond sparse scraps.

Growing up, Linda and her mother found it impossible to enjoy food or celebrate abundance in the grandmother's presence, unconsciously adopting her survival state of scarcity. Realizing that she was carrying an inherited trauma response that was steadily eroding her own somatic vitality, Linda sought out a specialized trauma practice in NYC (10011) to process the intergenerational transmission before it could be passed down further.

Sara's Story: The Exhaustion of Financial Success

Sara grew up hearing vivid accounts of her father's severe childhood poverty and the hunger his family endured. Although her parents were financially secure by the time Sara was born, she felt an intense wave of guilt whenever she received gifts or new clothes, believing she didn't deserve more than her father had at her age.

As an adult with a thriving career, Sara tried to assuage her guilt by inundating her parents with expensive gifts they explicitly stated they did not need. During a family gathering, her mother gently intervened, noting that no amount of material gifts could rewrite her father's past, and urged Sara to seek help from a licensed mental health professional to free herself from the exhausting grip of historical guilt.

Resolving Survivor Guilt Through Mind-Body Oriented Trauma Therapies

Because survivor guilt is an unconscious attachment strategy hardwired into the nervous system, it cannot be unlearned through simple logic or traditional cognitive advice. 

True healing requires mind-body oriented, bottom-up experiential modalities that allow the brain to separate past systemic history from present-day reality.

At my private psychotherapy practice in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, I utilize an advanced integration of trauma therapies to help individuals step out of historical survival loops:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Targets and desensitizes the original traumatic memory networks—such as acute losses or historical family scripts—releasing the heavy sense of responsibility held by the amygdala.
• Somatic Experiencing (SE): Tracks and discharges the survival energies (freeze or hypervigilance) trapped in the body, restoring genuine emotional elasticity and physical presence.
• IFS Parts Work Therapy (Internal Family Systems): Helps you connect compassionately with internal defensive structures, such as the "Self-Saboteur" or the "Atoner," allowing these parts to step down from their exhausting roles and release inherited family burdens.

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy): Processes deep emotional pain within a securely attuned therapeutic relationship, undoing your internal aloneness and transforming pathogenic shame into profound self-compassion and post-traumatic growth.

Healing from survivor guilt is not about forgetting your family's history or minimizing their hardships. It is about learning to honor their struggles by fully, safely, and beautifully claiming your own right to live, thrive, and experience joy.

👤 Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist & Trauma Specialist
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist and trauma therapist with 25+ years of experience.

I see clients in person in my private practice located in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, NYC (10011).

I am an advanced practitioner in EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing, EFT for Couples and Certified Sex Therapist.

How to Contact Me:

🌐 Website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

✉️ Email: josephineferraro@iCloud.com

📞 Phone: (917) 742-2624 (during standard business hours)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame can lead to destructive behavior in relationships (see my article: Self Acceptance as the Antidote to Shame).

How Shame Impacts Relationships

Shame often causes partners to present a false self in their relationship (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

How Does Shame Impact Relationships?

Shame often shows up as unconscious self protective behavior driven by fear of being seen as flawed or unlovable.

Here are some of the ways shame impacts relationships:

• Emotional Withdrawal and Distancing: A partner might shut down emotionally or physically, go silent, pull away to hide feelings of inadequacy which creates barriers to intimacy.

• Anger and Aggression: To avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable, a partner might externalize shame by becoming angry, contemptuous, critical or abusive (see my article: Communication Problems: The Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

How Shame Impacts Couples

• Perfectionism and People Pleasing: A partner might try to earn love by trying to be "perfect", which causes them to abandon their own emotional needs in order to please their partner and avoid rejection (see my articles: People Pleasing and What is Self Abandonment?).

• Self Sabotage: Shame can make a partner believe they are unworthy of love which can cause them to create conflict or push their partner away (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

• Defensiveness: Shame can make a partner defensive, blame their partner or refuse to take responsibility for their actions (see my article: How to Change Defensive Behavior).

• Physical Signs: Shame can be expressed through body language such as tension, hunched posture, blushing or refusing to make eye contact.

• Controlling Behavior: A partner can behave in a domineering way to hide their feelings of inadequacy (see my article: Controlling Behavior).

How to Overcome a Negative Cycle of Shame in a Relationship

Here are some of the essential strategies for overcoming shame in a relationship:

• Vulnerability and Open Communication:  Vulnerability and open communication are essential parts of any healthy relationship (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy).

Overcoming the Negative Cycle

• Identify Triggers: Identifying each partner's triggers will help each person to be aware and try to avoid triggering and retriggering each other. Being aware of triggers can also help partners to identify and prevent the negative cycle in their relationship.

• Practice Compassion: Compassion, including self compassion, can help you to feel empathy for yourself and your partner.

• Own Your Mistakes: When you own your mistakes, instead of becoming defensive, you and your partner are more likely to be able to repair ruptures without creating long lasting resentment (see my article: Having the Courage to Admit to Your Mistakes).

• Build an Emotionally Safe Environment: Create an emotionally safe environment in your relationship (see my article: How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship).

Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship

• Replace Shame With Connection: Share your vulnerable feelings with your partner. Instead of being judgmental with your partner, become curious. Create a relationship where you both feel seen, heard and valued. Aside from communicating verbally, rebuild closeness through shared activities like physical touch, hobbies or going for a walk.

Seek Help in EFT Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help: If you and your partner feel stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is an Emotionally Focused couples therapist (EFT). An EFT therapist can help you to overcome the negative cycle in your relationship that keeps you from having a fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS/Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To learn more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?

In an earlier blog article, I wrote an article called Psychotherapy: Making the Unconscious Conscious.

In this article I'm focusing on how unconscious decisions can impact your life without your even realizing it.

What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?

Sometimes, you can get a glimpse of what these unconscious decisions are by paying attention to your internal dialogue or by looking at your dreams.  But much of the time, these unconscious decisions remain hidden away in the recesses of your mind.

Let's take a look at the following vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed, to see how these unconscious decisions can play out:

Ann
Ann was the first one in her family to go to high school.  Her parents and older siblings loved her and were very proud of her, but they would tease her about being "an egghead" because she was so dedicated to her studies.

Ann knew that they were teasing her, but she also felt that, as she got older and developed interests that her family couldn't understand, she felt she was moving away emotionally and intellectually away from her family.

This caused Ann a lot of pain.  She knew that her mother, who was the valedictorian of her class in 8th grade, would have loved to go to high school.  But her mother needed her to help support the family, so  Ann's mother was forced to leave school.

What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?

Ann's mother told Ann how she cried for days after she had to leave school to get a job as a store clerk to help the family.  Ann's heart ached to hear her mother tell this story.

Ann would try to show her mother what she was learning in school.  She hoped that her mother would take an interest and, in a small way, it might make up, at least on an intellectual level, for what her mother missed by not going to high school.

But Ann's mother, who was once a curious young woman, showed little interest.  Ann knew that, in many ways, her mother had been beaten down by life, and she felt guilty that she had opportunities that her mother didn't have.

When Ann's high school announced that they were going to have tutoring classes to help students practice for the SAT college entrance exam, her parents encouraged her to sign up.  But Ann was feeling increasing guilty that she was going to have the opportunity that her mother really would have liked when she was a young woman--a chance to go to college.

Without realizing why, Ann kept losing the information from the school and forgetting the deadline to apply.  And every time her parents mentioned it, she felt anxious.

Then, one evening, Ann's mother came to her room and sat on her bed.  Ann wasn't sure why her mother came to her, but she could see that her mother looked serious and had difficulty starting the conversation.

Finally, Ann's mother took her hand and began to speak.  She told Ann that she thought she knew what was going on with her lately.  Then, she proceeded to tell Ann that she wanted her to do the best she could do and go as far as she could go without ever worrying that she would lose her family.

Her mother told Ann that she thought she understood what Ann was feeling because she had similar feelings when she was a young girl and she had an opportunity to go to elementary school and junior high and her mother was illiterate.  Even though she loved school, she felt guilty that she had an opportunity that her mother didn't have and would have loved.

She told Ann that, even though she understood, she wanted Ann to go to the tutoring classes, take the SAT exam, do well and excel at college.

Ann always loved and admired her mother, but she realized at that moment that even though her mother didn't have a formal education, she was a wise woman.

Ann went on to do well in college and to get a good job in college.  But she continued to feel guilty whenever she had opportunities that her family didn't have, and this continued to be problem for her until she realized that she almost sabotaged an opportunity for a promotion with a sizable increase in pay in her company's California branch.

At that point, she knew she needed help, and she started therapy to deal with the guilty feelings that she felt were oppressing her.

Shortly after she began therapy, Ann had a dream where she was surrounded by family members who were pointing their fingers at her in anger.  Everywhere she turned, she saw her mother, father, and brothers and sisters pointing their fingers at her in anger.

As Ann listened to her family members angrily accuse her of thinking that she was better than them because she had a better education and she made more money, Ann closed her eyes, put her hands over her ears and began to cry.

When she couldn't stand it any more, she screamed, "I don't want to do anything that takes me away from all of you!"

At that point, Ann woke up in a sweat with her heart pounding.

During her next therapy session, Ann told her therapist about her dream.  The dream upset Ann very much, and she knew that it encapsulated the feelings she had since childhood.

As she and her therapist discussed the dream, Ann realized that, throughout her life, she had been giving herself the unconscious message that she didn't want to do anything that caused her to feel separate from her family.

She knew that her family really wanted her to be successfully, and her guilt was her own, not induced by her family.

Over time, Ann was able to work through her guilt in therapy.  She also learned that everyone goes through periods in his or her life where becoming an individual means being more independent from his or her family.  But she had another layer to this process because of her family's history and her good fortune to have opportunities they didn't have.

What Unconscious Decisions Have You Made That Are Impacting Your Life?

As she worked through this issue, she accepted the promotion in California and felt good about it.  Her family was also very supportive.

Unconscious Decisions People That People Make That Impact Their Lives
Unconscious decisions that people make can take many forms.  Often, they involve their relationships with family members.  But they can involve other aspects of their lives.

Guilt, fear, anger and mistrust are often involved with these unconscious decisions.

Because these decisions are unconscious, they're usually hard to discern.  But they might come out in dreams, as in the vignette above.  They might also become increasingly apparent as a person engages in self sabotaging behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel there are underlying unconscious decisions you've made that might be affecting your life, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping therapy clients to discover and work through this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Hooked on the Roller Coaster of Emotional Drama?

Life has its inevitable ups and downs which we can't avoid.  This is a natural part of life and learning how to negotiate these inevitable ups and downs is part of becoming a resilient human being.  But when I refer to "getting off the emotional roller coaster," which is the title of this article, I'm referring to an emotional dynamic that goes beyond these common ups and downs.  I'm referring to a dynamic that goes through emotional cycles of exhilarating highs and despairing lows, which makes most people feel off balance after a while.

Hooked on Roller Coaster of Emotional Drama

But there are many people who are hooked on emotional drama.  They live their lives on an emotional roller coaster and don't realize that this is the dynamic in their life.

They often don't see that they're creating the emotional roller coaster with the decisions they make and the relationships they choose to be in.  Instead, they feel victimized by this dynamic because they don't realize that they can get off the emotional roller coaster.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario based on a composite of many cases (without any identifying information):

Mia:

When Mia started therapy, she was living her life from one crisis to the next.  She experienced emotional highs when she felt she was in a wonderful relationship and her career was going well.  But these emotional highs usually turned to despair when her latest relationship fell apart and she lost almost every job that she ever had.

Mia felt victimized by these experiences--as if they were happening to her and she was powerless to have any effect on her life.

But as we looked closer at these situations, there was a dynamic that became apparent in almost all of them, which was that, to a large degree, Mia had a big part in creating the very situations which she lamented.

Her most recent relationship ended after her boyfriend was incarcerated for insider trading.  Initially, Mia said she had no idea that her boyfriend was involved in anything shady.  But as we looked at the early days of this relationship, there were plenty of "red flags" that Mia chose to ignore, including a long list of her boyfriend's sociopathic behavior.  

During the good times, Mia and her boyfriend lived in his luxury condo.  He lavished her with expensive gifts, and took her on expensive vacations.  But all of this ended when Mia's boyfriend was taken out of his office in handcuffs.  Then, Mia felt the depths of despair.  

Prior to this relationship, Mia was involved in a string of relationships that kept her on a continuous emotional roller coaster.  Each time there were "red flags" that she chose to ignore in favor of the emotional drama in the relationships.

Her career followed a similar pattern where Mia started out as a star at her workplace and then, through a series of self sabotaging behavior, eventually got fired.  Just like her lack of insight into the choices she made in her romantic relationships, she didn't see how she was sabotaging herself in her career.  

As we looked at her family history, it became evident that Mia's parents plunged the family into one crisis after another because of the decisions they made.  At various times in their lives, they went from having a fairly high standard of living to being nearly bankrupted.  

As Mia talked about the emotional roller coaster of her early life, she looked exhilarated.  Most people, who were not hooked on emotional trauma, would have talked about this type of family history with a lot of emotional pain.  But it was evident that Mia was hooked on the emotional drama involved in her chaotic early life.  And being hooked on emotional drama from an early age had become a way of life for her.

Although there were times when the drama became too much for her, as when her boyfriend was incarcerated, most of the time, without realizing it, she was hooked on the emotional drama.

It wasn't easy for Mia to see that she had a hand in creating the emotional drama or, at the very least, when she wasn't actively creating the drama, she was in denial about the early warning signs.

Many people, who are hooked on emotional drama, choose to leave therapy before they develop enough insight to change.  Getting off the emotional roller coaster which, in many cases, is all they know, is too threatening.

These people might blame the therapist or find other reasons for leaving therapy.  They often go from one therapist to another or one type of therapy to another.  But when the therapist tries to help them see their part in creating the chaos in their life, they leave rather than risk change.

Fortunately, Mia stayed.  But work was slow because she had such a blind spot and she was highly ambivalent, at best, about changing.  During that time, she got into another tumultuous relationship and she lost another promising job.

By then, Mia was getting tired of the highs and lows that her life.  At that point, she was more open to seeing her part.  But she was worried that her life would be boring without the emotional drama.  

Mia didn't know how to live her life without being on an emotional roller coaster, so we worked on helping her develop better internal resources and other ways to feel good about herself without resorting to creating crisis in her life or getting involved in chaotic relationships.

We also worked on helping her to mourn her unmet emotional needs as a child.  To begin doing this work, she had to develop the capacity to tolerate the grief without getting back on the emotional roller coaster to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings.

The work was slow and progress was often one step forward and two steps backwards.  But, over time, Mia discovered that she could lead a happy life without creating chaos or going from one emotional crisis to another.

Getting Help in Therapy

If Mia's story resonates with you, you're not alone.  You can get help from a licensed mental health professional to get off your emotional roller coaster so you can lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life without the drama.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk can become so automatic and persistent that you don't even realize that you're sabotaging your own efforts by giving yourself negative messages.  When negative self talk becomes so habitual, the more you engage in it, the more you reinforce this negativity.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself With Negative Self Talk?

What is Negative Self Talk?
Everyone has his or her own version of negative self talk.

Some people compare themselves to others unfavorably to others and then tell themselves that that they could never measure up to these other people.

Here are some examples:

• Comparing yourself to pictures of models in magazines and then berating yourself for being overweight or being as attractive as the models
• Comparing how much money you make to other people's high income, and telling yourself that you'll never have financial success
• Comparing other people's success and telling yourself that you'll never amount to anything

Aside from comparing yourself unfavorably to others, there are many other kinds of negative self talk that can act as an saboteur:

• Criticizing yourself when your efforts don't bring success immediately rather than trying again
• Telling yourself that you're unlovable or worthless
• Telling yourself that you're stupid

And so on

Where Does This Negative Self Talk Come From?
For many people, negative self talk starts in their family of origin.  If they had a critical parent when they were growing up, they internalized these negative messages.  Then, as adults, they continued to give themselves the same messages--often without even realizing it.

How Can You Change Negative Self Talk?

• Becoming More Self Reflective and Aware

The first step to changing negative self talk is to become aware that you're doing it.   In order to become more aware, you need to become more self reflective and begin to pay attention to your internal self talk.

Do you offer yourself encouragement or discouragement?

Step back and observe yourself.

If you realize that you've developed a persistent habit of being self critical, you need to also be aware that this habit is an obstacle in your path.

• Admitting to Yourself that Your Negative Self Talk is a Problem

Once you've become aware of your problem, the next step is to start making the connection between your negative self talk and the consequences that it has had in your life.

While external factors might play a role in your feeling stuck, in order to change, you need to also admit to yourself that you're sabotaging yourself.

• Taking Action to Change

Once you've become aware and admit to yourself that your persistent negative self talk has become an obstacle for you, you need to take action to change.  Awareness alone, although a very important first step, isn't enough.

Begin to challenge yourself, whenever you engage in negative self talk, as if you were someone else questioning your own negativity.  Ask yourself for objective evidence that what you're telling yourself is true.  Engage in your own internal debate.

Ask yourself what a good friend, who knows you well, might tell you.

"Act as if" the negative self talk isn't true.  So, for instance, if you're telling yourself that you'll never be able to complete a project for work, acknowledge that this is how you're feeling, but put that aside and act as if you can.

In my opinion, "acting as if" is different from "fake it 'til you make it" because by"acting as if," you'll eventual discover that you're not faking it at all--you're really doing it.

By "acting as if," you're opening yourself up to new possibilities both within yourself as well as in external your world.

Getting Help in Therapy
If these tips for overcoming negative self talk don't work for you, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

For many people, negative self talk is linked to childhood trauma where there was emotional and/or physical abuse.  As a result, the trauma keeps getting triggered in their lives now as an adult and often shows up in negative self talk.

There are licensed psychotherapists who specialize in providing therapy to overcome trauma, and finding a therapist with expertise in trauma can help you to work through the trauma and also help you to stop engaging in negative self talk.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples, and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome the effects of trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.