How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?

Shame often begins during early childhood due to parenting styles and early experiences (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?

There are a number of factors that influence the development of shame at an early age including:

• Parental demands for perfection

• Lack of parental warmth

• Harsh criticism

Harsh Criticism and Shame

• Physical, emotional and sexual abuse

• Emotional neglect
  

• Witnessing domestic violence

• Emotionally unstable parent(s)

• Unpredictable or unstable parenting

• Parents who abuse substances or engage in other impulsive or compulsive behavior

How Does Childhood Shame Show Up in Adulthood?

Children who grow up being shamed will grow up to be adults who experience shame, which can affect all their adult interactions, including romantic relationships, familial relationships and relationships with work colleagues.

Shame during childhood often leads to repeating unhealthy patterns in adulthood (see my article: Why Are Childhood Trauma and Shame Affecting You Now?).

Here are some of the ways that childhood shame show up in adulthood:

Self Sabotaging Behavior: 

• Aiming too low

• Settling for less

• Self abandonment including neglecting your own needs to please others (see my article: Fawning as a Trauma Response)

Shame and Self Abandonment

• Avoiding commitment which can include fear of rejection and feeling inadequate (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love)

• Pushing away or distancing yourself from a romantic partner because you believe you're not good enough

• Perfectionism including striving for unrealistic and unattainable goals which adds to your feelings of inadequacy

• Decreased self care including neglecting your own needs which can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health

Sabotaging Relationships:

• Ignoring red flags in a relationship including dismissing early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship (see my article: Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships)

• Shaming, controlling or domineering behavior to manipulate your partner and take the focus away from your own insecurities

Shaming, Controlling and Domineering Behavior

• Creating negative narratives including interpreting your partner's actions as a form of  rejection or disapproval--even when these actions are not

• Withholding feelings including avoiding vulnerability and conflict by withholding by emotions

Impact on Emotional Connection and Intimacy

• Problems relating to others because shame makes it difficult to develop and maintain healthy relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues)

Shame in Relationships

• Difficulty with vulnerability including fear of rejection or criticism which can make it difficult to open up to be emotionally vulnerable

• Fear of rejection due to shame which can lead to self sabotaging behavior and emotional distancing

• Difficulty with forgiveness due to shame can make it difficult to forgive yourself or your partner, which is an obstacle to feeling good about yourself and problems with relationship repair (see my articles: Learning to Forgive Yourself and The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness)

Getting Help in Therapy

Shame is a complex emotion which can be very challenging to overcome on your own (see my article: Overcoming Shame in Therapy).

Getting Help in Therapy to Overcome Shame

If you can relate to the signs mentioned in this article, you owe it to yourself to get help in trauma therapy.

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the debilitating effect of shame so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

Also See My Other Articles About Shame:

How to Overcome Shame Spiraling

Clients Struggling With Shame Can Leave Therapy Prematurely

What is the Difference Between Toxic Shame and Healthy Shame?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, lCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.