Are You Feeling Like a Failure Because You Can't "Fix" a Loved One?

This article was updated on September 16, 2026.

Feeling like a failure because you can't "fix" a loved one is a common, emotionally exhausting experience born from a fundamental misunderstanding of interpersonal boundaries. Watching an adult child, parent, sibling, or close friend engage in self sabotaging and destructive behavior triggers profound feelings of helplessness. Out of deep affection, you may mistakenly believe you have the power to control or alter their path. However, a loved one is not a broken object to be repaired, and confusing deep love with a duty to "cure" someone else will inevitably leave you emotionally, physically, and mentally depleted.

Internalizing the chaos: Attempting to fix a loved one's destructive behavior often leaves your own mental well-being fractured and depleted.

Why Do You Feel Like a Failure? Unpacking the Core Dynamics

When you internalize a loved one's self-destructive path, several subconscious psychological mechanisms are often at play:

• The Savior Illusion: The false belief that if your love, effort, or pain is intense enough, it can override another adult's emotional trauma or behavioral choices.
• Internalizing the Chaos: Treating a loved one's personal struggles, setbacks, or structural failures as a direct reflection of your own worth, parenting, or efficacy.
• Control as a Coping Mechanism: Attempting to micromanage or "fix" their external environment as a desperate strategy to soothe your own internal discomfort with their suffering.

Shifting From Fixing to Emotional Support

To preserve your own mental health and establish a healthier relational dynamic, you must pivot from an intrusive "fixing" stance to an attuned "supportive" stance.

Here is how those two approaches differ in real-world communication:

• Offering Unsolicited Advice vs. Active Listening: "Fixing" sounds like criticizing their choices ("You are spending too much money and ignoring your bills"). True emotional support sounds like asking, "Do you want me to just listen right now, or are you looking for help brainstorming a solution?" (see my article: Improving Communication: Ask a Loved One: Do You Want to Be Helped, Heard or Hugged?).
• Shielding From Consequences vs. Enforcing Boundaries: "Fixing" involves sacrificing your own financial or emotional stability to absorb their fallout. Supporting involves focusing on your own well-being while remaining an attuned, separate anchor.
• Managing Their Life vs. Creating Safe Spaces: "Fixing" looks like making excuses to their employer or quietly paying off their debts. Supporting means stepping back from management and instead offering a safe, non-judgmental container where change is possible if they choose it.

Essential Reminders for Your Own Well-Being

• Separate Love From Rescue: You can deeply love and respect an individual without assuming the crushing, impossible burden of saving them from themselves.
• Recognize Your Radical Limits: You are not failing; you are simply hitting the natural, healthy boundary of what one human being is capable of doing for another.
• Grieve the Unrealistic Expectation: True healing requires letting go of the illusion of control. Allow yourself to mourn the idealized version of the relationship you wish you had, so you can accept the reality of the one that exists.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the problem with trying to "fix" a loved one:

Tina and Her Adult Son, Mike:

Tina's only child, a 45 year old son, Mike, had a compulsive gambling problem. Although he earned over $100,000 a year, he had poor credit because he had many overdue bills, the bank was threatening to foreclose on his home and his wife was threatening to leave him.

Whenever Mike felt desperate, he called Tina and begged her to bail him out. In that moment, he would promise to get help for his gambling problem and also to pay her back. But as soon as he got the money from Tina, he gambled more (instead of paying off his gambling debts) and he got deeper into debt. 

He also never paid Tina back and she was depleting her and her husband's retirement savings. Her husband, Joe, told her to stop enabling Mike's behavior, but Tina wanted to help her son and she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't help him.

When Joe told Tina that he was angry that their retirement fund was getting depleted due to Mike's gambling problems, she understood that her efforts to "fix" her son's problems were having a devastating impact on her marriage and she sought help in therapy.

The work in therapy wasn't easy, but her therapist helped Tina to see the enmeshment with her son so she could switch from trying to "fix" him to being emotionally supportive (see my article: How to Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Family).

Tina was able to see that her behavior with her son had its roots in her dysfunctional family dynamic, especially her parents' codependent relationship. Whenever Tina's father was too hungover to go to work, her mother would call his manager and make excuses for his absences. Eventually, he was let go from his job and Tina's mother had to take two jobs to keep the family afloat.  

Several years after Tina's father lost his job, he was drinking more heavily than ever and he died due to an alcohol-related heart attack at the age of 40. After the father died, Tina's mother blamed herself for not being able to get her husband to stop drinking.

Tina wasn't aware of how she was affected by her parents' dynamic until she got into therapy and she realized she was trying, in vain, to rescue her 45 year old son--just like her mother tried, in vain, to rescue her father.

With a heavy heart, Tina refused to give Mike any more money the next time he came to her in desperation. At first, he pleaded with her and told her he would lose his home and his utilities would be turned off. 

This was especially difficult for Tina, but she realized that, in the long run, she couldn't try to "fix" his problem anymore because her efforts kept Mike from dealing with his gambling problem. She also didn't want to ruin her marriage.

When pleading didn't work, Mike became furious, cursed and threatened to cut her off. She responded by reminding him that he already owed her thousands of dollars. She also told him that she would be emotionally supportive of his getting help for his gambling problem.

Mike was too angry to respond to his mother and, after that talk, he disappeared from his parents' life for two years and he was unresponsive to their calls. Even though they knew they did what was best for Mike and for themselves, this estrangement was heartbreaking for Tina and Joe (see my article: Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children).

In the meantime, Tina worked in therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma in therapy and the estrangement with her son.

A year later, when Mike contacted Tina and Joe again, he was in therapy, he was attending Gamblers Anonymous and he stopped gambling. He said his therapist was helping him to deal with the underlying issues related to his gambling. He told them that Tina's refusal to give him money was the best thing that ever happened to him because it forced him to confront his problems. 

As part of his making amends with his parents, Mike made a payment plan with them to pay back the money he owed them. They also worked together to develop a healthier family dynamic.

By that time, Tina and Joe's relationship had improved and they were looking forward to retirement in a few years.

Conclusion

It's very difficult to watch a loved one floundering without wanting to do something to help. 

The problem with trying to "fix" or rescue your loved one is that it's usually counterproductive and perpetuates your loved one's problem as well as your own.

Acknowledging and accepting that you can't "fix" anyone can help you to set boundaries so you can be emotionally supportive in a healthy way.

Get Help in Therapy

Trying to change a long-standing unhealthy pattern can be very difficult.

If you have tried on your own to change without success, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with these types of issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I offer a free 15 minute phone call before setting up an appointment.

I see clients in my office in Greenwich Village in New York City and online.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Overcoming Codependency: Focus on Yourself First

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships 

Overcoming Shame in an Enmeshed Family 

Intergenerational Dynamics 

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s. She is an internationally-recognized American educator, researcher and family therapist.

She has written a few books on the topic of ambiguous loss:

• Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief

• Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief

• The Myth of Closure

What is Ambiguous Loss?

Ambiguous loss is defined as a loss that lacks closure or a clear understanding. 

Dr. Boss classified two types:

• Physically Absent But Psychologically Present: A loved one is gone physically but remains present in the minds and hearts of family and friends (e.g., a missing person, estrangement, giving up a baby for adoption, separation). The experience is: Gone but no certainty if they are alive or dead, which often leads to a search for answers.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Physically Present But Psychologically Absent: In this type of loss a person is physically present but they are emotionally or cognitively absent (e.g., dementia/Alzheimers; traumatic brain injury; chronic depression; an intense preoccupation with work, technology, etc.) The experience: "Here but not here" which leads to grief for what is missing.

Ambiguous loss is considered the most stressful loss because it usually doesn't allow for typical grieving rituals and closure.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Coping with ambiguous loss involves accepting that complete closure may not be possible.

Strategies for coping include:

• Finding Meaning: Acknowledging the ambiguity and that the situation is not within your control but finding personal meaning for yourself

• Balancing Emotions: Managing the tension between hoping for a return/recovery and accepting the current reality

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Seeking Support: Utilizing therapy or a support group for emotional support and to validate your experience

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can cope with the ambiguous loss of a loved one being physically present but psychologically absent:

Gina

When Gina's mother, Ann, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Gina felt crushed. Her mother had always been an intelligent, active and loving person who held a responsible job as a hospital administrator for many years before she retired.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Several years after Ann retired, she complained to Gina that she was getting forgetful and confused. When Gina discussed this with her brother and sister, they decided to take their mother to a neurologist to get evaluated. That's when they were told that their mother was in the middle stage of Alzheimer's.

The neurologist provided them with resources for their mother and support groups for them, including the Alzheimer's Association. 

They talked about the diagnosis as a family and realized they had different views. Gina and her sister felt their mother should be told because they knew she would want to know what was happening to her and be part of the planning. However, their brother, who was the eldest, said their mother would only get upset if she knew so she shouldn't be told.

After going back and forth about this decision for several weeks, the brother relented and said he would go along with what Gina and her sister thought was best.

When they told Ann, they weren't surprised to hear that she already had a feeling that she might have Alzheimer's because her mother and maternal grandmother had it (although people don't always inherit Alzheimer's).

Knowing that she would decline over time, Ann was very sad, but she was also a practical person. She asked her children to arrange for visits with a geriatric social worker and an elder care attorney to advise them.

Gina and her siblings each had different reactions. Gina's brother tended to be stoic and he didn't want to discuss his feelings. Gina and her sister supported each other in their grief. They talked frequently. They also joined an online Alzheimer's support group and felt relieved to hear that other adult children were going through the same emotional ups and downs as they were experiencing.

Gina also sought help in individual therapy because she wanted the privacy to talk about things she didn't feel comfortable talking about in the support group.

She told her therapist that she had always relied on her mother for emotional support and advice whenever she had to make big decisions and the thought of not being able to do that made her feel tremendous grief.

As her mother declined, Gina's therapist recommended that she work on a family photo album with her mother. So, Gina gathered together the loose family photos her mother kept in a box, bought a photo album and went through the pictures with her mother as they placed the pictures in the album.

She and her mother laughed and reminisced about the events in the photos for hours. Her mother told her she hadn't thought about some of the people and events in the photos for a long time.

They also listened to some of her mother's favorite music which she enjoyed when she was younger. This also stimulated certain memories for her mother.

While her mother was still able to garden, Gina's sister and Ann spent time planting in the mother's garden, which they both found relaxing.

Gina's brother took Ann for walks around the neighborhood and pointed out places that Ann knew from years ago. 

Although the medication the neurologist prescribed helped to slow Ann's decline, eventually, Ann could no longer be maintained at home with a home health aide, and Gina and her siblings had to make tough decisions.

At that point, their mother had declined so much that she only remembered her children intermittently. She was also frequently agitated, which was so different from how Gina and her siblings had always known Ann to be prior to the onset of Alzheimer's.

Gina and her sister wanted to explore nursing homes, but their brother refused to even consider the idea. The thought of putting their mother in a facility was beyond what he could bear. So, he decided to take time off from work and, with the help of an aide, took care of Ann full time.

He soon discovered how exhausting this was--even with Gina and her sister relieving him for a few days out of the week and the help of a home health aide.

When Gina's brother needed to return to work, they spoke with the geriatric social worker who helped them to find facilities that were suitable for their mother. They visited several places, which were good but left each of them feeling very sad.  These facilities had memory units to help patients with dementia and Alzheimer's, patients were well taken care of, but the sight of many elderly impaired patients was upsetting.

At that point, Ann was no longer able to make decisions for herself. Gina and her siblings had already consulted with an elder care attorney to establish a durable power of attorney with Gina in charge. Then, they chose a facility close to where they all lived so they could visit Ann frequently.

At each stage of her mother's decline, Gina felt, at times, that her sadness and grief were unbearable. But she continued to discuss her feelings with her therapist and in the Alzheimer's support group because this was unlike any loss she had ever experienced before.

Over time, even though she felt tremendous sadness and grief, she accepted she couldn't control what was happening to her mother. 

There were some days when her mother seemed content to be participating in activities at the facility and other days when Ann glared at Gina and her other children and said, "Why did you put me here?"

Every time Gina felt she had come to accept her mother's condition, she had to contend with the next stage of her mother's decline. 

Gina's friends, who had older parents who were still functioning well, seemed to want to avoid talking to Gina about how she felt. Gina felt frustrated about this, but she understood that they had their own fears for what might eventually happen to their parents.

In addition to therapy and the Alzheimer's support group, Gina also felt some comfort in journaling. 

After her mother died, Gina felt a mixture of sadness, grief and relief that her mother was no longer suffering. 

She told her therapist she felt guilty that she felt relief and her therapist normalized what Gina was experiencing. She told Gina that it's common for adult children to experience a mixture of emotions including relief.

Gina learned to accept that her grief and sadness would come in waves so that she could feel better for a period of time but, seemingly out of nowhere, she felt tremendous sadness.

Over time, Gina learned to live with her grief. There were even days when she felt hopeful and grateful for what she had in her life. 

She also volunteered to be a peer group leader with the Alzheimer's support group so she could help others to deal with their loss and provide them with a sense of hope.

Conclusion

There are two types of ambiguous loss. I focused on the physically present but psychologically absent because this type of loss isn't addressed as often as the physically absent but psychologically present.

The vignette presented a daughter with a mother who had Alzheimer's. This type of loss could also involve someone coping with a sick or cognitively impaired spouse.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Both types of ambiguous loss are difficult, but with help there is hope.

Getting Help in Therapy

Loved ones can be well-meaning but often say and do things that are unsupportive.

A licensed mental health professional, who has an expertise with helping clients to cope with ambiguous loss, can help you to navigate the stages of loss.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can learn to cope with ambiguous loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years with grief, loss, trauma and many other issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

The Challenges of the "Sandwich Generation": Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

Coping With the Loss of Loved Ones - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

You Continue to Have an Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Have Died

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

What is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).

Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and  psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:

• Making little or no effort in the relationship

• Withdrawing attention

• Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy

• Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).

What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:

• A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.

• Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.

• Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

• Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.

• Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.

• Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?

Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.

When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.

Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.

Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.

Why Do These Couples Stay Together?

There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.

There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.

A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children. 

In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Cathy and Jim

Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.

They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.

Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child.  But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.

She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.

By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.

As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.

As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.

Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.

Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.

Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).

He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.

Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.

Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.

Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.

How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?

Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:

• Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
• Do you have realistic expectations?

• Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?

• Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?

• Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.

• Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.

Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.

If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

I've been focusing on family estrangements between parents and adult children lately.  

See my articles:

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

As An Adult Child: Trying to Decide Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Parents

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Family Estrangements?

What Are the Most Common Barriers to Reconciliation Between Parents and Adult Children?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the most common barriers to reconciliation between parents and adult children.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

These include but are not limited to:

• Parents Who Believe Their Adult Child "Owes" Them: For most estrangements between parents and adult children this is the #1 barrier to reconciliation. While gratitude is important, when the parents' attitude is that their adult children must now pay them back for what they did, either literally or figuratively, this is can be burdensome for adult children in a way that creates a permanent rift. If there is already an estrangement between the parents and the adult child, the insistence that the parents are owed something can maintain the rift and make it nearly impossible to reconcile.  Common examples include an expectation that the adult child will:

• Reimburse the parents for money they spent when the child was young

• Buy them expensive gifts or pay for expensive trips to compensate them for the money they spent on the child when the child was younger

• Follow in the parents' footsteps with regard to traditions, career, residence, religion, political views, choice of a romantic partner and so on

• Fulfill a wish or an ideal the parents were unable to fulfill for themselves 

• Parents or Adult Children Who Believe Any Changes in Their Relationship Should Only Come From the Other Person: Parents who take a rigid stance that any changes to reconcile an estrangement should only come from the adult child can be setting up a formidable barrier to reconciliation. Depending upon the particular situation, both sides might need to make changes or compromises. Parents who cling to the idea that adult children can only "show respect" for them by doing things the parents' way create barriers to reconciliation.  Similarly, adult children should also reflect on any emotionally healthy changes they might need to make to have a healthy relationship with their parents.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

• Parents Who Don't Accept Their Adult Child is Now an Adult: Recognizing that your child is now an adult can be emotionally challenging because it means accepting that they have changed and your relationship with your child also needs to change. This means they have more autonomy than when they were younger. You can no longer insist on making decisions for them. You also have to accept that you are older. Similarly, under most circumstances, adult children need to accept they are now adults who can no longer depend on their parents in the same way they did as young children.

• Parents Who Believe They Have a Right to Interfere in Their Adult Child's Relationship: This is a common barrier to reconciliation. You might not like your adult child's partner, but you don't have the right to interfere in their relationship--even if you feel sure you know what's best. Worse still, if you demand that your child choose between you and their partner, you are creating an emotionally wrenching situation for your child and possibly setting up a permanent estrangement. Similarly, adult children should not interfere in their parents' relationship under most circumstances. (An example of an exception might be if the parent is no longer competent to make decisions for themselves due to health or mental health issues and the other parent or stepparent is engaging in abuse, including financial/elder abuse). See my articles: 

• Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship

• Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship)

• Parents or an Adult Child Who Hold Onto Grudges Over Petty Issues: Letting go of past resentment can be difficult. Every situation is different, so there might be situations where whatever transpired on either side was so egregious that it's beyond reconciliation, but this isn't usually the case. Many situations start off with something relatively small and become bigger the longer the parents and adult child argue about it, so it's important for both sides to let go of grudges related to petty disagreements. However, if the estrangement is due to abuse, no matter if it was on the part of the parents or the child, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the abuse, sincere remorse and a commitment to change (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Reconciliation Between Parents and an Adult Child

Estrangements can be difficult to reconcile.

Here are some things you might want to consider:

• Why You Want to Reconcile: Your attitude and underlying reasons for wanting a reconciliation can make all the difference between a successful reconciliation and a failed attempt at reconciliation. The best reason is that you miss them and you want them back in your life. One of the worst reasons for wanting a reconciliation is that the estrangement causes you shame and embarrassment among friends and relatives. If your concern about how others see you is your primary reason, dig deeper and see whether you can focus on having a healthy relationship between the two of you and not about how you look to others.

• Be Ready to Listen to What They Have to Say: You might have a lot to say, but listening with an open mind is also important under most circumstances.

• Reassess an Attitude That Something is Owed to You: Whether you're an adult child or a parent of an adult child, reassess an attitude that the other person owes something to you. 

• Remember: It's a Process: Reconciling estrangements can take time. If the issues are large, don't expect one or two conversations to resolve everything. Be patient, tactful and kind. 

What If a Reconciliation Isn't Possible?

One or both of you might decide that reconciliation isn't possible.

If you're the one who wants the reconciliation, this can be very painful. But, ultimately, you have to accept this decision and, eventually, after you have grieved, learn to move on to live your best life.

If you're the one who doesn't want reconciliation because you believe it would be too harmful for you--whether you are the parents or the adult child--this decision brings it's own grief and loss that can be overwhelming.

Get Help in Therapy

Whether or not you choose to reconcile is your decision. You shouldn't be coerced or shamed into it. 

Get Help in Therapy

Whether you're the one who is attempting to reconcile or you're the one who has decided against reconciliation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the process.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.