What is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Quiet quitting is a term that many people associate with work. It refers to someone who no longer puts much effort into their work but who remains on the job doing as little as possible to maintain the job until they're ready to leave (or they might stay indefinitely).

Understanding Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship is when one or both partners disengage emotionally and  psychologically without leaving.They might also disengage sexually.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Quiet quitting in a relationship often involves:

• Making little or no effort in the relationship

• Withdrawing attention

• Withdrawing from emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy

• Not addressing the underlying issues involved in the couple's problems (see my article: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?).

What are the Signs of Quiet Quitting in a Relationship?

Some of the signs of quiet quitting in a relationship include:

• A Decrease in Communication: Meaningful conversations become less frequent or nonexistent.

• Avoiding Asking or Answering Questions: One or both people show little or no interest in asking their partner questions about the partner and/or the relationship.

• Emotional Detachment: One or both partners become emotionally distant and withdrawn from each other and show little or no interest in the relationship.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

• Little or No Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy often declines or becomes nonexistent. There might also be little or no expressions of affection (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Spending Less Time Together: One or both partners might pursue their own separate interests without their partner and without sharing those interests with the partner as a way to avoid each other and spend less time together.

• Being Mentally and Emotionally Distant When They're Together: Even when they're together one or both people might be mentally and emotionally distant and disengaged from one another. For example, they might be daydreaming, playing with their phone or doing work in order to avoid engaging with their partner.

• Loss of Shared Goals and Dreams For the Relationship: The couple might lose sight of dreams they once had together. They might also stop planning for the future (see my article: 7 Tips For Creating a Stronger Relationship With Relationship Goals).

How is Quiet Quitting in a Relationship Different From Ghosting?

Ghosting involves disappearing from a relationship altogether and the relationship ends.

When one or both people engage in quiet quitting, they're usually still physically present. If they live together, they might feel like they're just coexisting in the same place but not emotionally or physically engaging with one another.

Quiet quitting is usually a progressive disengagement that happens gradually over time. If it persists, it will erode the quality of the emotional bonds in the relationship.

Even though the couple might remain together, both people are usually dissatisfied with the relationship and the relationship might eventually end if the couple doesn't take steps to address their problems.

Why Do These Couples Stay Together?

There might be constraints that keep these couples together. For instance, there might be financial constraints that make it difficult for one or both people to leave the relationship. In many instances they can't afford to end the relationship.

There might also be cultural factors that keep a couple who are disengaged from ending the relationship altogether. For instance a couple's culture or religion might prohibit ending the relationship.

A couple who is disengaged in this way might also hesitate to end the relationship because they think they need to remain together for their younger children. 

In many cases one or both people aren't ready to leave yet, so they plan, save money and privately make arrangements for the time when they can leave. Often this is done without letting the other partner know in advance.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Cathy and Jim

Cathy and Jim were married for 10 years when they sought help in couples therapy.

They told their couples therapist that, over the years, they had become increasingly disengaged from one another.

Both of them agreed that the emotional disengagement (also known as quiet quitting) began after they had their second child and, at the same time, Jim's father needed additional help due to his medical problems.

Quiet Quitting in a Relationship

Jim admitted that, although he loved his younger child now, originally, when Cathy said she wanted another child, he didn't really want a second child.  But he felt pressured by Cathy and went along with her wishes, which made him feel resentful towards her (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Cathy acknowledged she knew Jim didn't want a second child, but she had hoped that once the baby was born, Jim would change his mind. She spoke about how disappointed and hurt she was that Jim showed only minimal interest in their second child after their son was born. She also admitted she should not have pressured Jim to have another child.

She said it was only after their younger son was five or six years old that Jim showed more interest in him because he was able to do more things with their son--like teaching him baseball or how to ride a bike.

By then, she said, the damage to their relationship was done. They were respectful of one another, but Jim was sleeping in the guest room and they spent little time together alone. She had hoped things would change over time, but by the time Jim's father needed help from Jim, she and Jim had become emotionally and sexually estranged.

As they spent less time together, they became more involved in their own hobbies and interests that didn't include each other. They also stopped being affectionate with one another.

As time went on, their communication became much less frequent. Over time they were only talking about what they needed to talk about--mostly logistics or about their children or their parents. Even then, their communication was strained.

Cathy said she tried to talk to Jim about their problems because she was feeling lonely in their relationship, but he wasn't open to talking so she suggested they seek help in couples therapy.

Jim acknowledged that he wasn't open to talk to Cathy about their emotional estrangement. He agreed to couples therapy reluctantly. But once he started couples therapy, he realized he still held a lot of resentment towards her about having their second child.

Jim also realized that, when he was a child, his parents were emotionally estranged from one another so that when he and Cathy became estranged, he didn't feel as uncomfortable as Cathy did because this dynamic was familiar to him (see my article: Shame and Disengaged Families).

He expressed regret that their relationship had devolved to this point. He wanted to salvage their relationship so that it would be more emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

Since Jim and Cathy had been at this impasse for so long, they found it challenging at first to become more emotionally and sexually engaged.

Over time, their therapist, who was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist and a sex therapist helped Jim and Cathy to stop blaming each other.

Instead of blaming one another, their therapist got them to focus on their negative cycle, so they could focus on working together to change their negative patterns (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

They were also able to work through their resentments. Jim was able to let go of his resentment about having a second child. Cathy was able to let go of her resentment that, prior to couples therapy, Jim wasn't willing to talk to her about their problems.

Having a couples therapist to help facilitate their conversations helped them to reconnect again emotionally and sexually.

How to Improve Your Relationship When One or Both of You Are Disengaged?

Even though you might be dissatisfied with your relationship, you might want to try to salvage it by re-engaging with each other:

• Consider Your Expectations in the Relationship:
• Do you have realistic expectations?

• Do you expect your partner to be your "everything" instead of also getting emotional support and friendship from others?

• Is it time to reevaluate your expectations so that you're not putting too much emotional and psychological pressure on your partner?

• Speak to Your Partner About the Disengagement: Since quiet quitting is often done without the acknowledgement of either partner, speak to your partner and tell them what you're observing about the dynamic in the relationship.

• Acknowledge and Express Appreciation For Your Partner: If it's been a while since you have emotionally acknowledged your partner and expressed your appreciation, tell your partner how much you value and appreciate them (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Partner).

• Seek Help From a Couples Therapist: It can be difficult to repair things if you and your partner have been disengaged for a while. If you're unable to do this as a couple, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and who can help you to either re-engage or to decide to end the relationship instead of remaining at an unsatisfying impasse.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Quiet quitting in relationships is more common than most people think.

Whether couples want to stay together or end the relationship, they can find it challenging to overcome the stuck place they're in.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to overcome their impasse so they can either work towards strengthening their relationship or ending it in as amicable a way as possible.

If you and your partner are stuck, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, an EFT couples therapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation

I've been focusing on family estrangements between parents and adult children lately.  

See my articles:

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

As An Adult Child: Trying to Decide Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Parents

Deciding Whether or Not to Reconcile With Your Father

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

How Can Trauma Therapy Help With Family Estrangements?

What Are the Most Common Barriers to Reconciliation Between Parents and Adult Children?

In the current article, I'm focusing on the most common barriers to reconciliation between parents and adult children.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

These include but are not limited to:

• Parents Who Believe Their Adult Child "Owes" Them: For most estrangements between parents and adult children this is the #1 barrier to reconciliation. While gratitude is important, when the parents' attitude is that their adult children must now pay them back for what they did, either literally or figuratively, this is can be burdensome for adult children in a way that creates a permanent rift. If there is already an estrangement between the parents and the adult child, the insistence that the parents are owed something can maintain the rift and make it nearly impossible to reconcile.  Common examples include an expectation that the adult child will:

• Reimburse the parents for money they spent when the child was young

• Buy them expensive gifts or pay for expensive trips to compensate them for the money they spent on the child when the child was younger

• Follow in the parents' footsteps with regard to traditions, career, residence, religion, political views, choice of a romantic partner and so on

• Fulfill a wish or an ideal the parents were unable to fulfill for themselves 

• Parents or Adult Children Who Believe Any Changes in Their Relationship Should Only Come From the Other Person: Parents who take a rigid stance that any changes to reconcile an estrangement should only come from the adult child can be setting up a formidable barrier to reconciliation. Depending upon the particular situation, both sides might need to make changes or compromises. Parents who cling to the idea that adult children can only "show respect" for them by doing things the parents' way create barriers to reconciliation.  Similarly, adult children should also reflect on any emotionally healthy changes they might need to make to have a healthy relationship with their parents.

Family Estrangements and Barriers to Reconciliation

• Parents Who Don't Accept Their Adult Child is Now an Adult: Recognizing that your child is now an adult can be emotionally challenging because it means accepting that they have changed and your relationship with your child also needs to change. This means they have more autonomy than when they were younger. You can no longer insist on making decisions for them. You also have to accept that you are older. Similarly, under most circumstances, adult children need to accept they are now adults who can no longer depend on their parents in the same way they did as young children.

• Parents Who Believe They Have a Right to Interfere in Their Adult Child's Relationship: This is a common barrier to reconciliation. You might not like your adult child's partner, but you don't have the right to interfere in their relationship--even if you feel sure you know what's best. Worse still, if you demand that your child choose between you and their partner, you are creating an emotionally wrenching situation for your child and possibly setting up a permanent estrangement. Similarly, adult children should not interfere in their parents' relationship under most circumstances. (An example of an exception might be if the parent is no longer competent to make decisions for themselves due to health or mental health issues and the other parent or stepparent is engaging in abuse, including financial/elder abuse). See my articles: 

• Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship

• Setting Boundaries With Family Members Who Want to Interfere in Your Relationship)

• Parents or an Adult Child Who Hold Onto Grudges Over Petty Issues: Letting go of past resentment can be difficult. Every situation is different, so there might be situations where whatever transpired on either side was so egregious that it's beyond reconciliation, but this isn't usually the case. Many situations start off with something relatively small and become bigger the longer the parents and adult child argue about it, so it's important for both sides to let go of grudges related to petty disagreements. However, if the estrangement is due to abuse, no matter if it was on the part of the parents or the child, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the abuse, sincere remorse and a commitment to change (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Reconciliation Between Parents and an Adult Child

Estrangements can be difficult to reconcile.

Here are some things you might want to consider:

• Why You Want to Reconcile: Your attitude and underlying reasons for wanting a reconciliation can make all the difference between a successful reconciliation and a failed attempt at reconciliation. The best reason is that you miss them and you want them back in your life. One of the worst reasons for wanting a reconciliation is that the estrangement causes you shame and embarrassment among friends and relatives. If your concern about how others see you is your primary reason, dig deeper and see whether you can focus on having a healthy relationship between the two of you and not about how you look to others.

• Be Ready to Listen to What They Have to Say: You might have a lot to say, but listening with an open mind is also important under most circumstances.

• Reassess an Attitude That Something is Owed to You: Whether you're an adult child or a parent of an adult child, reassess an attitude that the other person owes something to you. 

• Remember: It's a Process: Reconciling estrangements can take time. If the issues are large, don't expect one or two conversations to resolve everything. Be patient, tactful and kind. 

What If a Reconciliation Isn't Possible?

One or both of you might decide that reconciliation isn't possible.

If you're the one who wants the reconciliation, this can be very painful. But, ultimately, you have to accept this decision and, eventually, after you have grieved, learn to move on to live your best life.

If you're the one who doesn't want reconciliation because you believe it would be too harmful for you--whether you are the parents or the adult child--this decision brings it's own grief and loss that can be overwhelming.

Get Help in Therapy

Whether or not you choose to reconcile is your decision. You shouldn't be coerced or shamed into it. 

Get Help in Therapy

Whether you're the one who is attempting to reconcile or you're the one who has decided against reconciliation, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the process.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In my prior article, How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?, I began a discussion about family estrangements and how trauma therapy can help.

Family estrangements, also known as cutoffs, can occur between parents and adult children or between adult siblings (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In the current article, which is a part of a series of articles on family estrangements, I'm focusing on estrangements between parents and adult children where the adult child has a problem with a parent's current behavior or past behavior.

In this article, I'll use the terms estrangement and cutoffs interchangeably.

What Are the Most Common Causes of Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children?

Estrangements can occur for many reasons including but not limited to:

• Abuse, including a history of childhood emotional and physical abuse and sexual abuse

• Neglect, including a history of childhood emotional neglect

• Betrayal

• Bullying

• Psychological problems

• Substance misuse and other compulsive or addictive behavior

• Lack of emotional support

• An adult child's or parent's sexual orientation (see my articles: Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer, Coming Out to Your Father as a Gay Man)

• An adult child's or parent's gender identity (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family)

• Choice of a partner or spouse (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Parents Don't Get Along)

• Religious views (see my article: Religion: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?)

• Political views

• Money issues, including money borrowed, wills, inheritance plans and so on

• Other reasons

How Common Are Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children?

It's estimated that approximately 12% of parents and adult children are estranged.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Most of the time cutoffs are initiated by adult children.  About 5-6% are initiated by parents.

How Long Do Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children Last?

The length of time for estrangements varies based on the people involved, the problems between them and other individual issues between parents and adult children.

On average, estrangements between parents and adult children last about nine years. However, an estrangement can be days, weeks or months long.

Can an Estrangement Based on a History of Childhood Abuse Be Reconciled?

The best possible hope for a reconciliation is for a parent to acknowledge and make amends to an adult child.  

The problem is that parents who engaged in childhood abuse often don't admit any wrongdoing. 

Even if they admit that their behavior was abusive, they might try to minimize it by saying their behavior wasn't that bad. 

They might also try to minimize it by trying to deny how the early abuse affects the adult child now by saying something like, "That happened so long ago. Why don't you just get over it?" (see my article: How a History of Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself as an Adult).

Needless to say, it's hurtful for an adult child, who was abused by a parent, to hear their parent dismiss or minimize the impact of the abuse. 

Under these circumstances, some adult children might feel confused and doubt their early experiences or whether they have a right to ask their parent to take responsibility and make amends.

When a parent isn't ready to take responsibility and make amends, they place a nearly impossible barrier for reconciliation. 

Even if the adult child decides to try to somehow put aside their hurt, they will probably still feel resentment and sadness, which might only allow them to engage in limited contact with their parent.

Even if a parent takes responsibility and shows genuine remorse for their behavior, a reconciliation isn't automatic. Emotional healing is a process and, depending upon the problem and the people involved, a reconciliation might be slow or nearly impossible.

Next Article:

In my next article I'll continue to focus on family estrangements and some suggestions on how to reconcile these cutoffs:

Family Estrangements: Understanding Barriers to Reconciliation

Getting Help in Therapy

Family estrangements are usually emotionally wrenching and traumatic whether you're the person who initiated the cutoff or you're the person who has been cutoff.

Getting Help in Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to heal.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to start the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping adult clients to heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapst?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?

Many people believe that family bonds are unbreakable, and yet many parents, adult children and adult siblings are choosing to have minimal or no contact with each other.

Coping With Family Estrangement

Family estrangements, whether they involve no contact or minimal contact, often bring a sense of:

• Loss
• Grief
• Sadness
• Shame
• Guilt

These feelings come up even when people who have chosen to be estranged believe that estrangement is best for everyone involved.

Coping With Family Estrangement

Since family estrangement often goes against many people's basic assumptions and values about what family relationships should be, there is often a stigma attached to choosing to have little or no contact with family members.

The estrangement is difficult enough, but dealing with the stigma adds another emotional burden.  As a result, people often seek help in trauma therapy to cope with their feelings.

Family estrangements can be for a finite amount of time and it's possible, under certain circumstances, for family members to work out their problems (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Healing Father-Son Relationships).

Other types of family problems cannot be worked out either because one or more family members are unwilling and/or unable to work out their problems or because doing so would be emotionally or physically harmful to one or more people involved.

Each case is different and, as previously mentioned, a family estrangement doesn't necessarily mean a total cutoff. It can be a decision for minimal contact. 

How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?

Assuming you and your therapist are a good therapeutic fit and your therapist has experience helping clients to deal with the trauma of family estrangements, trauma therapy can help you to:

• Develop Insight and Understanding: Choosing to be estranged from your family can be a confusing and guilt-ridden process even when you know that it's what's best for your mental health. It's also equally true that being the family member who hasn't chosen estrangement and who wants a reconciliation can be just as difficult. Therapy can help you to develop insight and understanding about your family situation so that whatever decision has made (or you are considering making) makes sense to you--even though it brings emotional distress.  

• Feel Emotionally Supported: A skilled therapist will be objective and not intrusive. She won't try to influence your decision-making process or try to get you to change your mind or advocate for a particular course of action. She will listen with empathic attunement and provide you with emotional support.

• Develop Tools and Strategies: A skilled psychotherapist will help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to cope with your situation--no matter if you're the person who has chosen estrangement or the person who wants a reconciliation. Depending upon your needs, these tools and strategies might include helping you to: 

• Increase your self esteem

• Communicate your personal needs

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

• Develop relationship skills

• Cope With Grief: Family estrangements are often traumatic for everyone involved. Even when you're the one who has chosen to be estranged from your family, you can still experience grief, sadness and loss. The estrangement can also trigger unresolved trauma. If you're the person who didn't choose the estrangement, you might feel helpless and hopeless to deal with the situation, which can also bring up unresolved trauma.

• Heal Emotionally: Emotional healing can mean different things for different people. There are certain types of psychotherapy, which were developed specifically to help clients heal from trauma, including family trauma, which a trauma therapist can use, including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) 

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)
• 
  
• Somatic Experiencing

• Take the Next Step in Your Life and Avoid Stagnation: Whether you have chosen the estrangement or you feel it has been imposed upon you, you might struggle with how to move on in your life. Moving on doesn't mean that you won't feel sad or angry. It means you recognize that, although your family situation is difficult, you know that getting  stuck indefinitely is detrimental to your well-being. So, you might need tools and strategies to avoid indefinite stagnation.

My Next Article on This Topic:

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Getting Help in Therapy

As previously mentioned, family estrangements are often traumatic for everyone involved. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

No matter what your role is in a family estrangement, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has experience helping clients with this issue. 

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the skills and experience to help you.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with adults.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma, including family trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.