Relationships: Are You and Your Partner Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often hear clients talk about how hard it is to broach difficult conversations with their partner.

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

People who know they have a hard time with difficult conversations can work on developing the motivation and skills to talk about these topics. They're in a much better position to try to change compared to people who make excuses by telling themselves, "Things aren't so bad..." when, in reality, their relationship is in trouble.

Why Do Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations?

There can be many reasons why couples avoid talking about difficult topics--even if they're willing to acknowledge they have problems.

Some of the most common reasons include:

• Fear of Conflict: They're afraid of so-called "negative emotions" like anger, sadness, frustration, and so on. Not only are they afraid of their partner's reaction--they might also be afraid to experience these emotions themselves--so it's easier, in the short run, to avoid these topics. But there's a price to pay in the long run as problems continue to mount.

• Discomfort With Uncertainty: They might be afraid because they don't know how receptive their partner might be and how the conversation might go. So, they deal with their discomfort by avoiding the topic (see my article: How to Increase Your Tolerance For Uncertainty to Reduce Anxiety).

• Lack of Self Confidence: They might be afraid they won't have the skills to handle a difficult topic in an effective way, so they avoid it.

• Discomfort With "Rocking the Boat": Many couples want to maintain a sense of harmony in their relationship--even if that harmony is only superficial and emotions are roiling under the surface. They might convince themselves that everything is okay and, if they both want to avoid rocking the boat, they will avoid dealing with conflict.

• Fear of Being Overwhelmed: They might fear that they'll be overwhelmed and not know how to deal with their emotions (see my article: What is Emotional Co-Regulation?).

• Fear the Relationship Will Fall Apart: If the foundation of the relationship isn't secure, they might fear that the relationship will fall apart if they talk about things that are difficult.

• Fear of Making Themselves Emotionally Vulnerable: Difficult conversations often require each person to allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable, which can feel scary (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Negative Consequences of Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Avoiding difficult conversations can feel like a couple is home free in the moment, but there are usually negative consequences for this type of avoidance, including:

• Communication Breaks Down: Couples who avoid difficult topics usually have communication problems to begin with, but if they continue to avoid difficult conversations, communication breaks down even further, which makes their problems worse. It can also lead to emotional estrangement between them.

• Resentment Increases: Whatever resentment the couple might experience will most likely get worse when the couple doesn't deal with their problems (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

Avoiding Difficult Conversations in Your Relationship

• Conflicts Increase: Although the couple might think they are avoiding conflict by not addressing difficult topics, their conflict will most likely increase because they're both sitting on anger, resentment and hurt that fester over time.

• Loss of Emotional Connection: When a couple avoids conflict to maintain the illusion of superficial harmony, they're usually being disingenuous with each other. They're hiding their true feelings so that, over time, they can experience a loss of emotional and sexual connection.

• Loss of Trust: The superficial appearance of calm often belies a loss of trust as each person in the relationship senses the other is withholding emotions.

How to Have Difficult Conversations With Your Partner

Here are some tips you might find helpful if you and your partner are going to have a difficult conversation:

• Deal Directly With the Conflict: Rather than avoiding it or going around in circles, deal with the conflict directly--unless doing so would put you in danger with your partner. Use tact and compassion, but don't be indirect because it will create confusion.

Difficult Conversations: Deal Directly With the Conflict

• Speak From Your Own Experience: Make "I" statements where you speak from your own experience rather than accusing your partner of wrongdoing.

• Avoid "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": Avoid criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

• Take Responsibility For Your Role in the Problems: Rather than placing all the blame on your partner, take responsibility for your part in the problems. This could help your partner to open up about their role.

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than beating yourself up, use self compassion while you're taking responsibility for relationship problems.

• Practice Compassion For Your Partner: Challenging conversations with your partner can be less difficult if you show compassion for your partner. 

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to work on your problems without success, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist (see my article: What Do Couples Talk About in Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and skills to work through difficult problems.

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.