How is Fear of Abandonment Related to Insecure Attachment Styles

I have discussed fear of abandonment in prior articles:

• How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

• Overcoming Fear of Abandonment in Trauma Therapy 

• Self Abandonment - Part 1

• Self Abandonment - Part 2

The Connection Between Fear of Abandonment and Attachment Styles

In the current article, I'm discussing the connection between fear of abandonment and insecure attachment styles (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

Fear of Abandonment

Abandonment Issues and An Anxious Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an anxious attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need for constant communication. A text, email or a call which is not answered quickly can trigger anxiety and fear of abandonment

• A need for physical contact whenever possible

• A discomfort with being alone

Fear of Abandonment and Anxious Attachment Style

• A tendency to be clingy in relationships

• A need for constant reassurance and validation due to fear of rejection

• A need to engage in people pleasing and fawning due to a conscious or unconscious fear of being left

• Jealousy of a partner's friends and/or family members due to fear the partner will choose to prioritize them

• Retroactive jealousy for a partner's past partners--even though those prior partners are no longer around.

Abandonment Issues and An Avoidant Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an avoidant attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A need to be excessively self reliant to the point of not wanting to be reliant even in a healthy way with their partner due to a history of not being able to rely on caretakers as a child (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

• Difficulty asking for help due to fears of being rejected or disappointed by others

Fear of Abandonment and Avoidant Attachment Style

• Difficulty feeling or expressing emotions

• Using distraction or deflection when difficult emotions come up instead of communicating about these emotions directly

• A deep-seated mistrust of others due to not having reliable caregivers

• An avoidance of making a commitment in a relationship due to fear of being left

• A need to push others away with criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• A sudden change in mood when feelings of being ignored, rejected or invalidated come up

Abandonment Issues and a Disorganized Attachment Style

Someone with abandonment issues and an disorganized attachment style can have some or all of the following characteristics:

• A discomfort with emotional and/or sexual intimacy due to fear of being vulnerable, rejected or left

• Alternating between an intense desire for connection and not wanting connection out of fear of being left or not trusting

Fear of Abandonment and Disorganized Attachment Style

• Keeping loved ones and others at arms length with self sabotaging behavior 

• Sudden changes in mood due to feelings of being rejected, ignored or abandoned

Self Care for Abandonment Issues

The following self care suggestions might be helpful:

• Be aware of your past trauma and how it is affecting you now (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationships)

• Communicate your emotional needs to your partner. Don't expect your partner to know what your needs are without telling them.

Fear of Abandonment and Self Care: Communicate Your Needs

• Practice mindfulness

• Learn emotional negulation so you can calm yourself when you're feeling rejected, ignored, invalidated or abandoned.

• Learn to challenge your distorted beliefs about yourself and others

Get Help in Trauma Therapy
Regardless of your attachment style, abandonment issues can be challenging.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to work through your past trauma so you can approach close relationships without your history of trauma having a negative impact on these relationships.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has advanced skills and experience in trauma therapy so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.