What is a Common Relationship Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Today's article is focused on a common relationship conflict where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Julie Menanno, Emotionally Focused Therapist and author of Secure Love, there is usually a pattern to these conflicts which involve the couple's negative cycle (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is a Common Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment?

In her book, Julie Menanno discusses a common dynamic between partners based on their attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

An example of this would be when the partner with anxious attachment brings up a concern, they often come across as critical, judgmental or accusatory. In most cases, this partner doesn't intend to be negative. 

On a deeper level, this partner is just trying hard to be heard, but they come across as wanting to pick a fight. 

When the first partner is trying to be heard, but comes across in a negative way, the partner with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner is attacking them. They feel misunderstood and like they're being blamed, so they react defensively. 

They might come across in different ways. They might get defensive and respond in an overly rational way. They might invalidate their partner's concerns. They might also shutdown, which is also known as stonewalling.

On a deeper level, this partner feels unappreciated and they are trying to defend against feeling like a failure in the relationship. But they don't come across that way. They come across as if they're not paying attention to their anxious partner. 

When the person with anxious attachment hears their partner's response, they feel invalidated and become frustrated. They react with anger because they want to be heard. But on a deeper level, they feel alone and they're desperately trying to get their partner's attention.

In response to the anxious partner's frustration and increasing anger, the avoidant partner feels even more attacked. The avoidant partner doesn't want to make the argument worse so, without realizing it, they shutdown even more. But on a deeper level, they feel ashamed and powerless.

These types of conflicts often go unresolved because each partner feels they can't get through to the other partner and their responses to each other only creates more conflict.

Even when both partners decide to let go of the conflict, one of them, often the anxious partner, will eventually bring it up again at another time in an effort to get to the bottom of hte problem. Their intention is to overcome their problem in the relationship, but this only leads to the couple going through their negative cycle again.

After a while, this becomes their ongoing negative cycle with each partner feeling more frustrated and alone.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an anxious and avoidant partner typically go through a conflict. As always, this vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Jane

Tom and Jane were married for five years when they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Both of them worked at stressful jobs. They also had two small active children in an apartment they owned in New York City. So, aside from their relationship problems, they had other major stressors in their lives.

Each of them agreed that after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship, they started getting into conflicts over seemingly small issues.

Jane gave an example of one of their recent arguments about an ongoing issue where she felt she had to continuously remind Tom to do the laundry. 

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Jane, they had agreed to divide up a list of chores where one of Tom's chores was to do the laundry. But even though he had agreed to do this weekly task, Tom would often let more than two weeks go by before he did the laundry--to the point where their children were running out of clean clothes to wear. 

Jane said she would remind him a few times after a week had gone by, which she resented doing.  Then he would accuse her of nagging him, which would precipitate an argument.

While he listened to Jane speak, Tom was slumped in his chair with a sullen expression on his face.  Then, when it was his turn to speak, Tom said he realized he was negligent in not doing the laundry, but he felt attacked by Jane and, eventually, he would tune her out because listening to her was too overwhelming.

Jane responded that when she felt Tom was ignoring her, she felt frustrated and angry. She admitted that when she felt that way, she would raise her voice. Even though she often regretted getting so angry afterwards, she didn't know how else to get through to Tom. 

They both realized they were becoming more and more emotionally disconnected from each other.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Jane and Tom to see each of their attachment styles and how these styles contributed to their negative cycle: Jane had an anxious attachment style and Tom had an avoidant attachment style.

Couples Can Work Out Their Problems in EFT Couples Therapy

Their therapist also helped them to change their negative cycle so they could relate to each other in a more caring, compassionate way.

Tom realized he was behaving in a passive aggressive way by delaying doing the laundry. With the therapist's help, he also realized he was unconsciously repeating a dynamic he saw as a child between his parents who had similar arguments. So, he became much more diligent in doing his half of the chores in a timely manner.

Tom also became aware of how frustrating it was for Jane to remind him continuously of what he needed to do, so he had a lot more compassion for her, especially when he realized how her childhood history was, unconsciously, impacting her in their relationship.

Jane realized her anger was partly fueled by her childhood history where she saw her mother struggling to keep up with all the household chores while her father either relaxed at home or played golf on the weekends with his friends. So, Jane learned in couples therapy to separate her anger for her father from her anger for her husband. 

Jane also became aware that Tom's behavior was unconsciously related to his childhood history, and she developed a lot more compassion for him.

Getting to the point where they each felt compassion and understanding for each other was neither quick nor easy because their negative cycle was so ingrained. But they were both motivated to improve their relationship, so they persevered in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Couples often wait until they're fed up to get help. 

It's not unusual for couples to seek help in couples therapy when one or both of them are already contemplating ending the relationship.

By then, their negative cycle has become an ingrained pattern.

Typically, couples who seek help early on have a better chance of working out their problems in couples therapy in a shorter amount of time. 

So, if you're having problems in your relationship, seek help sooner rather than later if you want to save your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with ongoing problems, seek help from an Emotionally Focused therapist (EFT).

EFT has been shown in research to be an effective modality for helping couples to change their negative cycle.

Once you have learned how to change your negative cycle, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.