Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is a problem in many relationships. This type of jealousy can occur for  people with any attachment style, but it's especially common for people who have an anxious attachment style.

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

What is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy involves feeling threatened or insecure about a partner's past romantic relationships.

Retroactive jealousy has the following characteristics:

• Emotional Distress: Feeling anxious, angry or resentful of your partner's previous relationships--even though your partner is no longer involved in these relationships

• Obsessive Thoughts: Recurring and unwanted thoughts about your partner's prior relationships

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

• Intrusive Behaviors: Including obsessively checking your partner's phone or computer, following your partner's social media obsessively, tracking your partner's whereabouts with a tracker or questioning your partner repeatedly about their past or questioning whether they have had any thoughts or contact with their prior partners

• Compulsive Behaviors: Feeling compelled to engage in certain behaviors to try to control or prevent your partner from having any contact or even thoughts about their previous partners

• Difficulty Accepting Your Partner's Past: Difficulty accepting that your partner had a life with experiences that didn't include you

• Fear of Abandonment: Fear that their partner will leave you

How is Retroactive Jealousy Related to An Anxious Attachment Style?

As previously mentioned, retroactive jealousy can be related to any attachment style, but it's especially difficult for people with an anxious attachment style.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

An anxious attachment style can lead to excessive worry and insecurity about the relationship.

People who experience retroactive jealousy are fixated on their partner's prior relationships or experiences that didn't include them.

Potential Causes of Retroactive Jealousy

• Insecurity: Lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of trust in a partner

• Past Relationship Experiences: Prior relationship trauma: Infidelity, a partner maintaining contact with prior partners where the boundaries were unclear and other related issues

• Family of Origin Experiences: Including (but not limited to): Growing up with one or both parents who criticized or invalidated you; physical abuse, childhood emotional neglect; one or both parents engaging in infidelity; emotional or financial instability; being a parentified child; parental alienation, alcohol or drug abuse and other related problems

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how retroactive jealousy has a negative impact on a relationship and how psychotherapy can help:

Brenda

After her boyfriend, Joe, gave her an ultimatum to either get help in therapy or he would end their relationship, Brenda sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

She told her therapist that, objectively, she knew her boyfriend wasn't cheating on her, but whenever she thought about his prior relationship with another woman, she felt extremely jealous of that  relationship, highly anxious and insecure.

She tried not to act on her jealousy but, against her better judgment, there were times she couldn't contain her feelings and she would question her boyfriend relentlessly about whether he ever thought about his prior girlfriend, whether he thought his prior girlfriend was more attractive than her, how his relationship with his prior girlfriend compared to their relationship and whether he would ever leave her for his prior girlfriend.

According to Brenda, at first, Joe tried to patiently reassure her, but no matter how much he tried to reassure her, she never felt any emotional relief. His reassurances would lead her to ask more detailed questions to the point where, even though they were spending hours talking about this, these talks only made her want more reassurances.

When Joe tried to set limits with Brenda about these conversations, she felt ambivalent. On the one hand, when she could calm herself, she realized she was being obsessive for no apparent reason but, on the other hand, she couldn't control her obsessive thoughts and behaviors and she felt compelled to keep questioning Joe.

According to Brenda, when Joe found out that Brenda was following his ex-girlfriend on social media to see if there were any pictures of Joe and his ex online, he told Brenda that her jealousy was getting out of hand. He also tried to reason with her that it seemed the more time Brenda spent on his ex's social media, the worse she felt--even though she found no evidence that Joe and his ex were spending time together.

Brenda told her therapist that the last straw for Joe was when Brenda hacked into his email and texts. She found an old text from Joe's ex from years before he began seeing Brenda. The text had an old picture of Joe and his ex smiling at the beach.

Brenda explained to her therapist that she couldn't contain her jealousy about the photo and, even though she knew she shouldn't have hacked into his account, she confronted him about the text with a barrage of questions: "Why are you keeping this photo?" Do you think your ex is prettier than me?" "Do you ever have fantasies about your ex?"

At that point, Joe told Brenda that he didn't even remember having this old photo on his phone. He agreed to delete the photo if Brenda agreed to get help in therapy for her excessive jealousy. He told her that if she didn't get help, he would end the relationship.

Brenda told her therapist that Joe's ultimatum made her feel even worse because she feared that if Joe broke up with her, he would go back to his ex.  Even though she could see how she was creating problems in her relationship with her irrational jealousy, she felt she couldn't stop her obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior including her obsessive questioning of Joe.

Her therapist became aware that Brenda's anxious attachment style stemmed from an unstable childhood home with both parents engaging in infidelity, reckless spending, and a constant stream of invalidating messages they gave Brenda about her looks and her intelligence. They also told her she was worthlessness and she would never find a husband because no one could ever love her. They also compared her negatively to her older sister (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

    Therapy Treatment Plan

Her therapist proposed both short-term and longer-term therapy work:

    Short Term Work

The short term work involved Brenda developing increased self awareness and better coping skills including:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Her therapist told her to practice 15 minutes of mindfulness meditation with a beginner's mindfulness recording twice a day (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Painful Emotions).

• Focusing on the Present: As she developed her mindfulness skills, Brenda was encouraged by her therapist to bring her mind to the present moment whenever she felt herself beginning to have obsessive thoughts about her boyfriend's ex--even if she had to do this more than a hundred times a day (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Keeping a Journal

• Keeping a Journal: Brenda was encouraged to keep a journal where she reflected on her thoughts and feelings including both her irrational and objective thoughts and feelings related to her retroactive jealousy (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Developing Increased Self Esteem and Confidence Through Confidence Boosting- Activity: Brenda's therapist encouraged her to engage in activities that made her feel good about herself, including artwork which Brenda enjoyed and felt confident doing. She also instructed Brenda to write down times when she felt good about herself both in and outside her relationship.

• Setting Limits With Herself: Rather than relying on her boyfriend to set limits, her therapist encouraged Brenda to set limits for herself so she wouldn't spiral into relentless and obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend. Her therapist also asked Brenda to write in her journal whenever she found herself on the brink of the spiraling into obsession--rather than questioning her boyfriend as a way to practice emotional containment (see my article: Practicing the Container Exercise).

Even though she still felt very jealous of Joe's ex, Brenda was able to reduce her obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend by using the tools her therapist recommended. 

Along the way, she had some setbacks, but both Brenda and Joe noticed the positive change in her and he encouraged her to continue therapy.

    Longer Term Work

The longer term work in therapy involved helping Brenda to overcome the root of her retroactive jealousy including her family of origin trauma using a combination of various trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
  

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy: including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
  

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Brenda made steady progress with some certain missteps along the way (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Healing in Therapy).

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex problem that affects many relationships.

As illustrated in the composite vignette, retroactive jealousy has the potential to ruin a relationship.

In many cases, retroactive jealousy doesn't get better without professional help. Without professional help, it can get worse.

Certain self help strategies outlined above (e.g., focusing on the present, meditation and engaging in confidence-boosting activities, etc.) can be help to manage the symptoms of retroactive jealousy. But what is most helpful is getting to the root of the problem--whether the root of the problem stems from your family of origin, prior relationships or other related causes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel your excessive jealousy is having a negative impact on your well-being and your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this issue (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming retroactive jealousy requires a commitment to personal growth, patience, perseverance and a willingness to work through your challenges.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can lead a more peaceful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Overcoming Jealousy

Are You Arguing About Your Partner's Sexual History Before You Were in a Relationship With Him?

How to Reduce Reactivity in Your Relationship

How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life: Part 1

This is the first article in a series on how your attachment style affects your sex life. In the current article, I'm focusing on anxious attachment, which is one of the insecure attachment styles (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

The Anxious Attachment Style

Each attachment style has its own characteristics.  

How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Tend to mistrust romantic partners

In addition, if you have an anxious attachment style, you:

• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity

With regard to your overall satisfaction with your relationship, you:

• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner

Similar to many people with an anxious attachment style, you might:

• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

How Anxious Attachment Affects Your Sex Life:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably engage in some or all of the following behaviors:

• Engage in Sexual Activity, Even When You Don't Want To: You do this because you think it will prevent your partner from abandoning you. This includes becoming sexually active an at earlier age than most other adolescents--not because you want to--but because you feel you have to in order to hold onto someone you're interested in.  This often means you did things you didn't really want to do sexually.

• Use Sex to Get Your Partner's Attention: This includes attempts to get your partner to be attentive and show s/he cares about you.  Sometimes, this takes the form of manipulative behavior.

• Use Sex to Try to Get Close and Seek Approval: You engage in seductive behavior to get your partner to be close to you and to get his or her approval.

• Have a Negative Perception of Your Sexual Experiences: Due to your insecurity, you have a negative view of yourself and your sexual experiences.

• Have Self Doubt and Low Opinion of Your Attractiveness: You need your partner to constantly reassure you that you look good because of your low self esteem.

• Have Emotional Lability: You have emotional ups and downs based on how insecure you might be feeling.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how an anxious attachment style affects your sex life: How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with the characteristics described in this article, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with anxiously attached clients.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can have a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In Part 1 of Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players," I described the typical emotional dynamics and behavior of players (also known as pick-up artists), including the their manipulative and emotional abusive behavior towards women.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

I described a behavioral dynamic that is on a continuum and, in some cases, can include sociopathic behavior where there is a lack of empathy for how their behavior affects the women they're attempting to seduce (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Also on that continuum are men who eventually find being a player to be unsatisfying, lonely and, despite the conquest of many women, unsatisfying because it feels empty and meaningless.

Often these same men find themselves in an emotional crisis because they can neither remain a player nor can they move forward to a more meaningful life because they don't know any other way to be.

The focus of the this article, including the clinical vignette, will be on this subset of men.

As previously mentioned in the prior article, players can be either men or women, gay, bisexual or heterosexual.  But, generally speaking, the term is usually associated with heterosexual men, which is what this article is about.

Clinical Vignette: The Emotional Crisis of a Man Who is a Player
The following fictional vignette illustrates a typical scenario for a man who learns to develop a persona as a player but who eventually discovers that he wants more than casual hook ups with women--he wants a relationship, but he doesn't know how to be genuinely himself or how to have a committed relationship.

John
When John was in his teens, he wanted more than anything to date women, but he lacked the necessary self confidence to approach them.  Since he was very good looking, many girls were drawn to him and they approached him, but even when he knew that these girls liked him, he felt awkward and shy.

His first sexual experience was with a teenage girl, Jane, from his class who invited him over to her house while her parents were out.  He was highly anxious before going to her house because he feared that this girl would laugh at him due to sexual inexperience.  But rather than laugh at him, Jane, who had prior sexual encounters, led him into the bedroom and patiently initiated him into his first sexual experience.

Afterwards, realizing how pleasurable sex could be, he wanted to have sex with other girls too.  But throughout high school and even in college, he continued to feel shy and lack self confidence, so the only time he had sex was when girls or young women came onto him.

After college, John was at a total loss about how to meet women.  It was much easier for him when he was surrounded by young women in college who took the lead in initiating sex.  But after he graduated from college, he was no longer around women all the time, and he didn't like using dating apps, so he wasn't sure what to do.

Sometimes, he and his friends would go to singles bars and his friends would meet women and take them home  but, more often than not, he remained standing alone against the wall.  Occasionally, an attractive assertive woman would approach him and take him home, but this wasn't usually the case.

One day, feeling disappointed and discouraged, John turned down his friends' invitation to go out to a singles bar.  Although his best friend, Bill usually laughed at John's awkwardness and lack of confidence, when he realized how miserable John was, he told John that any man could learn to pick up women in a bar--he just needed to learn a few simple techniques and strategies and practice them.

Then, Bill recommended that John attend a three-day pick-up artists' boot camp where part of the training would be to stand side by side with a "dating coach" and observe the "dating coach" pick up women at various venues in New York City, including singles bars.

Bill also explained that John would get classroom instruction and drills that he would practice when John would go out with an experienced "dating coach" to apply what he learned in class while the coach stood nearby to observe John and give him feedback later.

In response to Bill, John laughed, but Bill urged him on, "What do you have to lose, man?  By the end of the training, you'll feel confident meeting and picking up women anywhere.  That's how I learned.  This training is foolproof."

With some reluctance, John signed up for the Attractions Method training, and he was amazed that he was able to develop the persona of a player that allowed him to feel the confidence that he lacked with women.  Soon after that, whenever he went out, he psyched himself up and took on this persona.

The strategies that John learned led to his hooking up with hundreds of women over the next several years.  He became so good at being a pick-up artist that he always had a sexy, beautiful woman on his arm, and his friends expressed envy, "John, where do you meet these women!?!  One is more beautiful then the next!"

But whenever one of the women wanted a more serious relationship, John would panic.  He had mastered taking on the persona of a confident pick-up artist and the techniques for picking up women for casual sex, but he was too afraid of allowing any emotional intimacy to develop between him and any of these women.  So, whenever a woman expressed wanting more from him, he would stop seeing her and focus on the many other women he was seeing simultaneously.

At the same time, John discovered that some of the techniques he learned to pick up women also worked in his sales career.  He was able to charm his female boss into giving him the best sales territory in the company.  He was also able to charm customers into buying the company's services.

With all the money he was earning, he attracted even more beautiful women who admired his success, his new sports car, and the way he generously spent money on them.  They were fascinated by him and they wanted to be around him.  He also enjoyed the admiration of his friends and colleagues who not only admired him--they wanted to be him.

But over time, when John was in his mid-30s, he realized that he no longer derived as much pleasure from sleeping with one beautiful woman after the next.  He found most of these women to be narcissistic and shallow, and he felt bored.  Deep down, he also knew that he was just playing a role and, even though he was convincing in this role, this wasn't really how he felt.

His friends were all getting married, some of them were starting families, and he realized that he felt lonely, especially because the only relationships he had with women were shallow and very short term. He never had a substantial monogamous relationship.

Gradually, John realized that there was something missing in his life.  Other than being with beautiful women, having sex with as many of them as possible, and making a lot of money, his life lacked meaning and substance and this was increasingly worrisome to him.

There was one woman, Sara, that he was dating who wasn't narcissistic or shallow.  He really liked her and thought he might like to be in a relationship with her, but he was afraid to be himself.  He feared that, even if he knew what it meant to be himself, Sara wouldn't like him if she knew the real him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

He realized that he had spent so much time taking on the persona of a player that he wasn't even sure who he was anymore.  Although he would have liked to talk to one of his friends about it, he was afraid that he would lose their admiration for his success with having so many women.

When he attempted to talk to Bill, who was married for several years, Bill just brushed him off, "What do you mean you feel lonely?  You're always with a sexy, beautiful women.  I envy you.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, but do you have any idea how boring it is to wake up to the same woman every day?  Enjoy yourself and, whatever you do, don't get married.  It's totally overrated."

After John got a similar response from his other close friends, he felt increasingly depressed and isolated.  He began having problems sleeping and getting up in the morning.  It took a lot more effort for him to take on the confident persona and to charm his customers into buying the company's services.  He also began to isolate and stopped seeing many of the women he had been hooking up with.

Soon his sales performance went from being the highest in the company to being one of the lowest.  His boss called him into her office to find out if there was anything wrong, but John didn't feel comfortable confiding in her, so he made up some excuse and told her that he would do better.

Although he managed to fake his way through that meeting with his boss, he knew that all his pretending was sapping him of energy and he felt a big disconnect between how he felt inside and the persona he was trying to project on the outside.  He wasn't even sure why he was doing it anymore--except that he didn't know what else to do.

As he became increasingly depressed, John knew he needed to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  Admitting this to himself was hard, but he knew it would be much harder if he descended deeper into depression.

During his first session with a female psychotherapist, John was tempted to take on the same persona he used to charm so many women.  It was hard for him to let down his guard to show the therapist just how bad he felt about himself.  At the same time, he knew that, if he was going to overcome his problems, he would need to be honest (see my article: The Importance of Being Honest With Your Therapist).

Gradually, over time, John opened up to his psychotherapist and told her about his history of being a shy, awkward young man and how he learned to be a player with women.  He explained that for a long time he felt like he was on a "high" when he slept with hundreds of beautiful, sexy women and all his friends envied him.

Then, he described the slow descent into his current emotional crisis, his feelings of being a fraud, his loneliness, his yearning to be himself (although he didn't know anymore what that meant), his guilt for the emotional pain he had caused the many women he manipulated, and his fear of developing a relationship with Sara.

Over time, John realized that the more he opened up to his therapist, the more genuine he felt.  Often, he would have realizations about himself in the therapy that he never had before.

As he became more comfortable with his psychotherapist, John allowed her to see more of the frightened, emotionally vulnerable side of himself.  To his surprise, he revealed his shame, which  was a big part of his lack of confidence of awkwardness (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

As he continued to talk in therapy, he also realized that he felt like he was basically an unlovable person who didn't really deserve to be happy with anyone.  It was only when he took on the persona of being a player that he felt confident, but he realized now that this wasn't genuine confidence--it was all a sham (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

His therapist used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the affect bridge so that John could go back to the earliest time when he felt unlovable.  In a relaxed hypnotic state, where John had the dual awareness of being in the here-and-now in the therapist's office as well as being in his earliest memory of feeling unlovable, John recounted how he was constantly and severely criticized and belittled by both of his parents who told him that he would never amount to anything and he would fail at everything.

As he recalled these early memories, John felt a wave of tremendous grief and anger for the way his parents treated him.  He knew that his parents thought they were trying to make him "tough" to face a difficult world, but he also realized how misguided they were.

Having gotten to his earliest memory of feeling unlovable using the affect bridge, his therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy  to help him overcome the traumatic effect of his early childhood history (see my articles: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, John began to feel better about himself.  The work with EMDR therapy wasn't the quick fix he hoped that it would be, but he discovered that he was slowly overcoming the trauma that had been an obstacle for him for so many years.

As John felt more confident and more genuinely himself without relying on a persona, over time he developed a relationship with Sara and discovered that she actually liked him for who he was and not for the person he was pretending to be when they first met.

Overall, he was happier in his relationship with Sara and in his career once he was able to overcome his traumatic history and allow himself to be genuine.

Conclusion
Men, who are players, are on a continuum.  With the exception of the most narcissistic or sociopathic male players, many men who engage in this deceptive, manipulative behavior with women eventually find this lifestyle to be hollow and meaningless.

Over time, they long for deeper, more substantial relationships, but they're so caught up in acting the part of a player that they don't know anymore (if they ever did) who they really are.  Giving up the persona would also mean giving up a way that they have come to successfully rely on to have attractive women as well as giving up the admiration they receive from their male peers.  It would also involve showing a more vulnerable part of themselves which they are ashamed of.

This often precipitates an emotional crisis for them, which is difficult to overcome on their own or with the people in their lives.  So, when the pain of being in an emotional crisis becomes greater than their shame, they often seek help in psychotherapy.

In an experiential therapy where the therapist knows how to help clients to trace back the origins of these men's problems, there is an opportunity for them to work through the current issues as well as the underlying issues that caused them to feel inadequate in the first place (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist.

An emotional crisis is painful, but it can also be an opportunity to resolve emotional problems that you might not otherwise feel motivated to address.

Once you have freed yourself from the burden of these emotional issues, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which is an evidence based therapy which research has shown to be effective for relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

In my recent articles, I focused on "breadcrumbing," a form of manipulation that is used by one person to string along, control and dominate another in a relationship in order to take advantage of them (see my articles:  Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1, Breadcrumbing - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette, and Breadcrumbing - Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy).

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

In those articles, I focused on the person who is being manipulated.  In this article, I'm focusing on the person who is normally called the "player" (or pickup artist) to get beyond surface appearances and to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues involved.

Although this is a nonjudgmental look at men who are players, it should in no way be construed as condoning manipulative and deceptive behavior at someone else's expense.  Nor should it be interpreted as encouragement for anyone who is involved with a player to remain in a situation where you are being emotionally abused.

What is a "Player"?
A player can be either a man or a woman, heterosexual, gay or bisexual.  But, generally speaking, the term refers to a heterosexual man, who is unlikely to be faithful, honest or respectful in a relationship.    

He usually presents himself as someone who is the opposite of a player--a man who is kind, thoughtful, and interested in being in a monogamous relationship with a woman.  But his outward presentation hides a more seductive and manipulative person who only pretends to be interested in a relationship so he can fool women into having sex with him.   Usually, his main goal is to sleep with as many women as possible in short term hook ups.

Someone who is a "successful player" has mastered the pickup lines, demeanor, and strategies for deceiving a woman into thinking he is serious about a potential relationship with her.  He is often able to quickly assess her emotional vulnerabilities in order to get what he wants (see a fictional vignette from a prior article).

If a player has chosen a woman who is especially vulnerable, he can continue to manipulate her even after she realizes that she is being manipulated.  As in the case of the fictional vignette in my prior article, there are often unconscious issues involved for the woman who becomes aware that she is being manipulated and who remains with a player--even though she realizes that she's being played.

There are numerous books, manuals, workshops and boot camps for men who want to learn to be players.  These sources usually promise men that they will develop the necessary skills to seduce and sleep with as many women as possible.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"
Needless to say, these men are often young and there is usually a level of emotional immaturity and arrested development for men who engage in this behavior.

Just like any other dynamic, the underlying personality dynamics for a player are on a continuum.  This often includes a fair amount of narcissism that vacillates between grandiosity and shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

If someone's narcissism is on a sociopathic level, he will usually be completely self serving without any real shame or regret because he lacks the ability to be empathic towards the women he is deceiving and manipulating.

At the same time, there are many men who gravitate towards being players because they lack the necessary social skills and genuine confidence (as opposed to faked confidence) to be real with women.

They think that being a player or a "bad boy" will get them more women.  To an extent they're right about being fascinating towards certain women (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Another aspect that makes becoming a player attractive to some men is they believe they will gain the admiration of other men.  They believe that when other men see them with a beautiful, sexy woman on their arm, these men will see them as masculine and desirable to women and buy into the image the player is trying to project.  The fact that this often actually does happen among men only reinforces players' dynamics.

These men often grew up in homes where they didn't see loving relationships modeled for them in their household.  They might have grown up in homes where the father dominated a subservient mother and ruled the family, so these men get a distorted view of masculinity and what it means to be a man.  Also, many of them feel constrained by societal stereotypes of masculinity that are neither realistic nor attainable.

Many of these men, who project an air of confidence and charm, are really emotionally insecure.  They think they've found quick-fix techniques for attracting and manipulating women.  Underneath  their show of confidence is a fear that the women they're meeting will see how insecure and inferior they really feel (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside and     How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

While players, who succeed in obsessively seducing and sleeping with many women, might appear to be happy with their conquests, there are certain men for whom these mind games become old. As they age, the novelty and dopamine rush of conquering one woman after another becomes empty and makes them feel lonely.  And the thought of aging and becoming an old player, who is alone, begins to feel pathetic.

These men often face an emotional crisis because they really don't feel genuinely confident in being themselves and they haven't developed the necessary skills to pursue a more substantial relationship with a woman.  So, they can't go back to their old strategies, but they don't know how to move forward either.

The emotional crisis, while being painful, can be the first step for these men to seek help so they can change.

More about these issues in my next article (see Part 2: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Players or pickup artists are usually heterosexual men who engage in manipulative and deceptive strategies to hook up or have sex with as many women as possible.  Their behavior can be emotionally devastating for a woman who is vulnerable to being manipulated.

Underneath the confident and charming facade of a player usually lies a fearful, emotionally immature man who hasn't developed psychologically and interpersonally.  Instead, he has learned various techniques and strategies through books and workshops that promise him success with women.

Over time, some men, who consider themselves to be players and who aren't sociopathic, realize that they're tired of these mind games and want a more substantial relationship with a woman.  But they haven't developed the necessary skills to form a mature relationship.

This often leads to an emotional crisis with feelings of emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. At that point, they usually feel that they can neither go back to their usual ways of being a player nor can they go forward to form stable, monogamous relationships.

Many men, who are in this emotional crisis, find their way forward by seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, insecurity and lack of self confidence, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

When you feel stuck in a dynamic that no longer works for you and you can't find your way forward, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this emotional crisis so you can discover a more authentic part of yourself to form a stable relationship.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions and Personalizing Other People's Behavior

One of the most challenging lessons to learn in life is to not jump to conclusions and personalize other people's behavior, which is the topic of this article (see my article: How Psychotherapy Helps You to Understand and Change Distorted Thinking).

Stop Personalizing Other People's Behavior

Why Do We Jump to Conclusions and Personalize Other People's Behavior?
When people feel rejected, criticized or neglected in some way, they often feel insecure or anxious and this can trigger other earlier traumatic experiences that made them feel the same way.

Most people won't recognize that their earlier experiences are getting triggered and assume that what they're feeling has to do exclusively with the current situation.

Other people have difficulty distinguishing their feelings from objective facts (see my article: Discovering That Your Feelings Aren't Facts).

How to Keep Yourself From Personalizing Other People's Behavior
It's so easy to jump to conclusions about what's going on with someone else and what it means about you.

But before you personalize someone else's behavior that feels hurtful to you, it's important to stop your thoughts from getting ahead of you so that you don't distort the situation and project your insecurities onto the situation.

It's also important to consider that whatever this person did (or didn't do) might have nothing to do with you.

Fictional Clinical Vignette:  Learning Not to Take Other People's Behavior Personally
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how personalizing someone else's behavior represents distorted thinking and how to handle this type of situation better:

Ann
After being broken up for over a year, Ann decided to contact her former boyfriend, Alex, after she heard from mutual friends that he was having some medical problems.

On the one hand, just the thought of contacting Alex was enough to make Ann feel anxious and insecure with regard to how Alex would respond to her.  But on the other hand, she knew Alex was kind to her and, when she could be objective about it, she thought he probably would respond well, especially since they were on relatively good terms when she broke up with him.

After she left a message on his voicemail, she waited to hear back from him.  But after several days went by, she began to think that Alex might be angry with her after all, and he might not want to talk to her.

When she checked with a mutual friend, Ann found out that Alex had recuperated, he was doing relatively well, and he was back to work again.  This only fueled even more of Ann's insecurity and anxiety.

As each day passed, Ann became even more convinced that she had made a mistake by leaving a message for Alex.  She felt ashamed about reaching out to him. Her thoughts veered to earlier situations when she felt rejected and ashamed, including times when her father pushed her away as a child when she tried to hug him when he came home from work.

After two weeks had passed, Ann confided in her close friend, Rina, that she was feeling ashamed and angry that Alex hadn't returned her call.  Rina, who knew Alex, told Ann that there was probably a good reason why Alex wasn't calling.  She said she doubted that Alex was angry with her, and she advised Ann not to personalize Alex's lack of response.

By the third week, Alex called Ann and apologized profusely for not getting back to her sooner.  He told her that he had lost his phone with all his personal contacts, and he had only recently found it.  He said he really appreciated hearing from her and he was feeling much better.

Conclusion
Jumping to conclusions and personalizing other people's behavior is a common problem for many people, especially people who have an early traumatic history of being neglected or abused.  When people are triggered, it can be difficult to distinguish the current issue from the past.

It helps to develop the ability to stop your thoughts, which might be distorted, and question the conclusions that you've jumped to about the other person and the situation.

Being patient and getting more information is also helpful so that you don't automatically feel anxious or insecure when, in fact, the other person's behavior might have nothing to do with you.

This applies to personal situations as well as work-related situations (e.g., where a supervisor might seem angry with you but, in fact, is angry because of personal problems).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you have a tendency to personalize other people's behavior due to your own early history, you could benefit from seeing a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to make distinctions between the past and the present and also assist you to work through your early traumatic history.

Getting help in therapy for this issue can help you to have a more fulfilling and meaningful life without the distorted thoughts that can cause so much angst.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Obsessive Jealousy: Are You Arguing with Your Spouse About His Sexual History Prior to Your Relationship With Him?

Are you and your spouse arguing about your sexual histories with other people that you knew before you met each other?  Unfortunately, arguments about spouses' sexual histories aren't unusual.  It often begins with one or both people in the relationship asking questions about the other's sexual history and, before you know it, one or both people get jealous or insecure and arguments ensue.

Arguing With Your Spouse About His Sexual History

While it's important to know whether your partner, soon-to-be spouse or spouse practiced safe sex before he or she met you, it's often a mistake to get into the details of who, want, where, and how often.

Talking about these kinds of details can degenerate into bitter arguments.  Once you've both determined that there have been no sexually transmitted diseases through testing, it's better to let the past be the past--no matter how tempting it might be to seek more information.

Clinical Vignette
The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how easily arguments can begin while talking about each other's sexual history with other people:

Dan and Betty:
After Dan and Betty were married for several months, Betty asked Dan about his sexual activities with other people.  She already knew about the two prior relationships before he met her.  They also each had tests for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) early on when they began dating to ensure that neither of them had STIs.

Dan was hesitant to talk to Betty about his sexual history, but she told him that she felt that they should be able to talk about anything and she urged him to tell her.  

After Dan revealed that he had slept around quite a bit in college and in his early to mid-20s, Betty became upset. And the more upset she became, the more she asked him, and his answers only made her more upset.

Even though Betty didn't know any of the women that Dan slept with and he wasn't in touch with any of them, she imagined that he enjoyed being with these women sexually more than he enjoyed being with her.  No matter how much he assured her that he loved her and he enjoyed their sex life together, Betty couldn't stop thinking about all the women that Dan slept with.

Over time, Betty's obsessive jealousy about Dan's former sexual partners began to get in the way of their lovemaking.  Whenever Dan touched her, Betty wondered if he touched the other women in the same way.  

When it got to the point where they couldn't enjoy each other sexually any more, both Dan and Betty agreed that they needed to see a couples counselor.

In couples counseling, Dan and Betty learned that they had to let the past be the past.   Betty realized that she needed to let go of her obsessive thoughts about Dan's prior sex life or she would ruin their relationship.  

She also realized that the problem was that she was feeling insecure about herself.  Since she trusted Dan and she wasn't concerned that he would cheat on her, she realized that she needed to work on her own self esteem rather than argue with Dan about his past.

Once they stopped arguing about the past, they were able to rekindle their relationship.

Many couples feel that they must "tell all" about their prior sexual experiences, but unless you know for sure that you can handle this, it's best not to delve too deeply into your prior histories.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are arguing abut your prior sexual histories, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who sees couples for couples counseling to help you salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.