What is the Defense Mechanism Known As "Projection" and How Does It Affect Relationships?

What is the Defense Mechanism Called "Projection"?

Projection is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, behavior, motives or character traits onto someone else.

What is Projection?

The projection acts as a shield for the person's ego. Instead of confronting uncomfortable truths about their own behavior, feelings and other uncomfortable truths (including feelings of guilt, shame, emotional insecurity or anger), the person who projects externalizes them so that, in their own mind, these problems belong to the other person.

This concept was originally developed in psychoanalytic and psychodynamic theories and most depth-oriented therapists today recognize projection when it's happening in the therapy session, when couples use it in couples therapy or when individual adult clients talk about it in terms of their relationships outside of therapy.

What is Projection?

Defense mechanisms are categorized in a hierarchy ranging from "primitive" (also called "early" or "immature" if the person is an adult) to "mature". The categorization is based on when the person developed the defense mechanism and how they distort reality.

Why is Projection Considered a "Primitive Defense"?

When adults use projection as a defense mechanism, it is considered to be on the primitive end of the defense mechanism spectrum for several important reasons:

• 1. Early Development Origin: As previously mentioned, defenses are categorized on a spectrum. The early developmental defenses, like projection, are the mind's earliest boundary-making tools. Projection usually develops in early childhood before a child has the emotional and cognitive capacities to process complex internal conflicts. Projection is also considered a primitive defense because it develops when a child is still learning to differentiate "me" from "not me" (i.e., their internal world vs their external world).

• 2. A Gross Distortion of Reality: Adults with higher level, more mature defense mechanisms (rationalization, intellectualization and so on) accept reality, but they might reframe it. This is in contrast to how primitive defenses actually alter the way a person perceives reality. Projection forces a severe distortion: The individual completely misperceives an internal truth as an external threat. This fundamentally alters their view of another person's intentions or character.

• 3. All-or-Nothing Thinking: Primitive defenses, like projection, operate on binary all-or-nothing thinking. With projection, the person's ego cannot tolerate what they perceive as a "bad" trait within the inner world, so they project the trait or behavior externally. This lack of nuance is the hallmark of primitive psychological functioning (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

Common Examples of Projection

• Relationship Insecurity: Without realizing it, someone who is feeling like they would like to end their relationship because they cannot tolerate the relationship problems often uses projection. This is especially true when the problems they bring to the relationship feel intolerable. So, instead of owning and taking responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, they accuse their partner of wanting to end the relationship. Another example: If someone is cheating, they accuse their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat.

What is Projection?

• Workplace Hostility: An employee who dislikes another coworker might tell others, "That person hates me". They convert what they are feeling, which is, "I don't like that person" into "They don't like me."

• Bullying and Insecurity: A person who criticizes others for being "weak" or "stupid" is often projecting their own deep-seated insecurities onto others.

Why Do Adults Use Projection as a Defense Mechanism?

Projection is unconscious, as I mentioned before, so it's not usually done maliciously. It often happens for specific psychological reasons:

• Reducing Anxiety and Stress: It's very difficult for a person who uses projection to face their own worst traits. Unconsciously shifting these uncomfortable thoughts, feelings  and traits onto a "scapegoat" relieves the immediate internal pressure because the traits have been externalized.

• Protecting Self Esteem: Projection allows an individual to maintain a positive self image by denying their own worst traits and habits.

• Avoiding Accountability: By focusing on the perceived faults of others, the person avoids taking responsibility for their own problems.

• Personality Disorders and Early Trauma: Projection is heavily associated with narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder. It is also associated with early unresolved trauma. Note: Just because someone uses projection as a defense mechanism doesn't necessarily mean they have a personality disorder, but there is a high association between projection and personality disorders. However, if someone uses projection, they usually have early unresolved childhood trauma, which is called developmental trauma. Projection develops during early childhood and for many people it continues into adulthood if they don't get help in therapy.

How Does Projection Affect Relationships?

Projection acts like a psychological shield when the person projecting shifts internal insecurities onto a partner. This damages trust and communication in the relationship.

Projection damages relationships because it:

• Creates False Accusations: Example: A person accuses their partner of trying to control them instead of dealing with their own controlling behavior towards their partner.

• Erodes Mutual Trust: Baseless accusations makes the other person feel targeted and unsafe. Over time, the accused partner stops sharing thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict. 

What is Projection?

• Blocks Real Conflict Resolution: Arguments center on the imagined behavior instead of the actual root issue. The person who is projecting refuses to acknowledge their problem so conflicts aren't resolved and the couple keeps arguing about the same issues over and over again without resolution.

• Causes Emotional Exhaustion: The accused partner keeps defending themselves against baseless and unfair accusations. This cycle drains energy, leads to deeper resentment and perpetuates the same ongong cycle. This usually happens if the person who is projecting doesn't get help in psychotherapy with a qualified therapist.

• Triggers Reality Distortion: The projecting partner truly believes their distorted thinking, feeling and perception of reality, which is distorted. This dynamic can cause the accused partner to question their own sense of reality if they allow the projecting partner to overcome their sense of reality.

Breaking the Cycle of Using Projection as a Defense Mechanism

Since projection is unconscious and develops at a very early age, it can't be resolved without professional help in therapy.

Working with an experienced psychotherapist who understands the unconscious nature of projection (not all therapists are trained to understand projection) can help an accusing individual to pause and look at their own dynamic--before they accuse their partner.

A skilled psychotherapist can help to uncover and address deeply hidden insecurities that are at the root of using projection. She can also help an individual to develop other higher functioning ways of interacting with others, including intimate partners. 

The work isn't quick or easy because projection is a deeply ingrained defense mechanism that is used from early childhood into adulthood. A person who uses projection must be motivated to change and stick with the therapy.

The challenge is that people who use projection often go from one therapist to another because they use projection to defend against the therapist and the therapy. This means they blame the therapist--in the same way as they use projection with others.

Consequently, a licensed mental health must know how to work in a way that feels relatively safe for the client and, at the same time, gently helps the client to make unconscious projection conscious. 

That is the first step. After developing awareness of how the client uses projection, they need to be willing to take steps to change, which is also challenging because of their internal fragility.

For a client who is psychologically fragile, which includes people who use projection, the therapist needs do a thorough assessment, including assessing the client's window of tolerance and help the client to develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to deal with making these changes.

Unfortunately, most people who use projection never seek help in therapy and they remain stuck in their negative cycle.

Get Help in Therapy

If you use projection as your defense mechanism, you risk placing your relationships with others, especially your intimate relationship, in jeopardy.

What is Projection?

Although it might not be easy to accept that you're using a primitive defense mechanism from early childhood, using projection and damaging your relationships is much worse.

You can learn about yourself and transform in therapy with a therapist who has an expertise in helping clients with primitive defense mechanisms. This can help you to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, IFS Parts Work, EFT Couples Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute phone call before I set up an appointment.

You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

IFS Therapy is a Gentle, Evidence-Based Therapy

How to Develop a Curious Mindset

Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By What Happened to You

Developmental Trauma: Living in the Present As If You Were in the Past

Understanding Traumatizing Narcissists and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

Riding the Waves of Transformation

Relationships: Jealousy Isn't Love

Jealousy is a common emotion experienced in varying degrees in most romantic relationships (see my article: Overcoming Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

What is Jealousy?

Feeling jealous is often a signal of perceived danger to the relationship. 

Jealousy usually involves a fear of losing a partner to a rival. 

Jealousy Isn't Love

A little bit of jealousy can be a signal that you and your partner need to talk about insecurity and unmet needs. 

Communication between you and your partner about what makes each of you jealous or uncomfortable can help you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Why Do People Confuse Jealousy and Love?

People confuse jealousy and love because jealousy tends to: 

• Signal a deep emotional investment
• A fear of losing someone who is important 
• A perceived threat to a valued bond

Jealousy is often romanticized as proof of devotion, but this is incorrect because jealousy isn't love.

What Can Trigger a Jealous Reaction?

Almost anything can trigger a jealous reaction. It depends on the person.

Examples might include:

• Spending time with friends
• Talking to an attractive person at a party
• Going to lunch with a coworker
• Talking about a former romantic partner which is called retroactive jealousy

How is Jealousy Different From Envy?

People often confuse jealousy and envy.

Whereas jealousy is losing someone or something to a third party, envy is wanting something that someone else has.

When Does Jealousy Become Unhealthy?

A fleeting pang of jealousy which leads to you and your partner talking about the relationship in a calm and thoughtful way can be a good thing and can bring you closer.  

This is different from excessive jealousy.

Jealousy Isn't Love

Excessive jealousy can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts and an inability to let go of fears, which leads to constant worry

• Controlling behavior like dictating who a partner can see or where a partner can go, dictating what a partner can wear, forbidding certain activities and so on

• Constant unwarranted suspicion with unfounded accusations and excessive questioning

• Possessive or accusatory reactions

• Invading privacy such as checking a partner's phone and demanding constant updates, which can erode a relationship

• Psychological manipulation using guilt or self pity

• Isolation such as trying to isolate a partner from friends and family

Overcoming Excessive Jealousy

• Self Reflection: If you're the partner who is excessively jealous, reflect on your behavior and identify your insecurities. Recognize that you have a problem and work on building your self esteem and confidence.               

Jealousy Isn't Love

• Personal Safety: If you're the partner who is experiencing excessive jealousy from your partner, consider your personal safety first. If your partner is threatening you, you need to confide in at least one trusted loved one and remove yourself from harm.

• Communication: Assuming you can both remain calm, speak openly with your partner about your feelings without blame.

Get Help in Therapy

• Seek Help: Seek help in individual therapy or couples therapy to work out issues around jealousy.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 25 years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recognizing When You Feel Safe or Unsafe in Your Relationships

Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding in Relationships

How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Obsessive Jealousy

Overcoming Jealousy

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Retroactive jealousy is a problem in many relationships. This type of jealousy can occur for  people with any attachment style, but it's especially common for people who have an anxious attachment style.

Relationships: Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

What is Retroactive Jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy involves feeling threatened or insecure about a partner's past romantic relationships.

Retroactive jealousy has the following characteristics:

• Emotional Distress: Feeling anxious, angry or resentful of your partner's previous relationships--even though your partner is no longer involved in these relationships

• Obsessive Thoughts: Recurring and unwanted thoughts about your partner's prior relationships

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

• Intrusive Behaviors: Including obsessively checking your partner's phone or computer, following your partner's social media obsessively, tracking your partner's whereabouts with a tracker or questioning your partner repeatedly about their past or questioning whether they have had any thoughts or contact with their prior partners

• Compulsive Behaviors: Feeling compelled to engage in certain behaviors to try to control or prevent your partner from having any contact or even thoughts about their previous partners

• Difficulty Accepting Your Partner's Past: Difficulty accepting that your partner had a life with experiences that didn't include you

• Fear of Abandonment: Fear that their partner will leave you

How is Retroactive Jealousy Related to An Anxious Attachment Style?

As previously mentioned, retroactive jealousy can be related to any attachment style, but it's especially difficult for people with an anxious attachment style.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

An anxious attachment style can lead to excessive worry and insecurity about the relationship.

People who experience retroactive jealousy are fixated on their partner's prior relationships or experiences that didn't include them.

Potential Causes of Retroactive Jealousy

• Insecurity: Lack of confidence, low self esteem, lack of trust in a partner

• Past Relationship Experiences: Prior relationship trauma: Infidelity, a partner maintaining contact with prior partners where the boundaries were unclear and other related issues

• Family of Origin Experiences: Including (but not limited to): Growing up with one or both parents who criticized or invalidated you; physical abuse, childhood emotional neglect; one or both parents engaging in infidelity; emotional or financial instability; being a parentified child; parental alienation, alcohol or drug abuse and other related problems

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how retroactive jealousy has a negative impact on a relationship and how psychotherapy can help:

Brenda

After her boyfriend, Joe, gave her an ultimatum to either get help in therapy or he would end their relationship, Brenda sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

She told her therapist that, objectively, she knew her boyfriend wasn't cheating on her, but whenever she thought about his prior relationship with another woman, she felt extremely jealous of that  relationship, highly anxious and insecure.

She tried not to act on her jealousy but, against her better judgment, there were times she couldn't contain her feelings and she would question her boyfriend relentlessly about whether he ever thought about his prior girlfriend, whether he thought his prior girlfriend was more attractive than her, how his relationship with his prior girlfriend compared to their relationship and whether he would ever leave her for his prior girlfriend.

According to Brenda, at first, Joe tried to patiently reassure her, but no matter how much he tried to reassure her, she never felt any emotional relief. His reassurances would lead her to ask more detailed questions to the point where, even though they were spending hours talking about this, these talks only made her want more reassurances.

When Joe tried to set limits with Brenda about these conversations, she felt ambivalent. On the one hand, when she could calm herself, she realized she was being obsessive for no apparent reason but, on the other hand, she couldn't control her obsessive thoughts and behaviors and she felt compelled to keep questioning Joe.

According to Brenda, when Joe found out that Brenda was following his ex-girlfriend on social media to see if there were any pictures of Joe and his ex online, he told Brenda that her jealousy was getting out of hand. He also tried to reason with her that it seemed the more time Brenda spent on his ex's social media, the worse she felt--even though she found no evidence that Joe and his ex were spending time together.

Brenda told her therapist that the last straw for Joe was when Brenda hacked into his email and texts. She found an old text from Joe's ex from years before he began seeing Brenda. The text had an old picture of Joe and his ex smiling at the beach.

Brenda explained to her therapist that she couldn't contain her jealousy about the photo and, even though she knew she shouldn't have hacked into his account, she confronted him about the text with a barrage of questions: "Why are you keeping this photo?" Do you think your ex is prettier than me?" "Do you ever have fantasies about your ex?"

At that point, Joe told Brenda that he didn't even remember having this old photo on his phone. He agreed to delete the photo if Brenda agreed to get help in therapy for her excessive jealousy. He told her that if she didn't get help, he would end the relationship.

Brenda told her therapist that Joe's ultimatum made her feel even worse because she feared that if Joe broke up with her, he would go back to his ex.  Even though she could see how she was creating problems in her relationship with her irrational jealousy, she felt she couldn't stop her obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior including her obsessive questioning of Joe.

Her therapist became aware that Brenda's anxious attachment style stemmed from an unstable childhood home with both parents engaging in infidelity, reckless spending, and a constant stream of invalidating messages they gave Brenda about her looks and her intelligence. They also told her she was worthlessness and she would never find a husband because no one could ever love her. They also compared her negatively to her older sister (see my article: Comparison and Judgment Are the Thieves of Joy).

    Therapy Treatment Plan

Her therapist proposed both short-term and longer-term therapy work:

    Short Term Work

The short term work involved Brenda developing increased self awareness and better coping skills including:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Her therapist told her to practice 15 minutes of mindfulness meditation with a beginner's mindfulness recording twice a day (see my article: Mindfulness Meditation: Coping With Painful Emotions).

• Focusing on the Present: As she developed her mindfulness skills, Brenda was encouraged by her therapist to bring her mind to the present moment whenever she felt herself beginning to have obsessive thoughts about her boyfriend's ex--even if she had to do this more than a hundred times a day (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Keeping a Journal

• Keeping a Journal: Brenda was encouraged to keep a journal where she reflected on her thoughts and feelings including both her irrational and objective thoughts and feelings related to her retroactive jealousy (see my article: Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

• Developing Increased Self Esteem and Confidence Through Confidence Boosting- Activity: Brenda's therapist encouraged her to engage in activities that made her feel good about herself, including artwork which Brenda enjoyed and felt confident doing. She also instructed Brenda to write down times when she felt good about herself both in and outside her relationship.

• Setting Limits With Herself: Rather than relying on her boyfriend to set limits, her therapist encouraged Brenda to set limits for herself so she wouldn't spiral into relentless and obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend. Her therapist also asked Brenda to write in her journal whenever she found herself on the brink of the spiraling into obsession--rather than questioning her boyfriend as a way to practice emotional containment (see my article: Practicing the Container Exercise).

Even though she still felt very jealous of Joe's ex, Brenda was able to reduce her obsessive thoughts, feelings and questioning of her boyfriend by using the tools her therapist recommended. 

Along the way, she had some setbacks, but both Brenda and Joe noticed the positive change in her and he encouraged her to continue therapy.

    Longer Term Work

The longer term work in therapy involved helping Brenda to overcome the root of her retroactive jealousy including her family of origin trauma using a combination of various trauma therapy modalities:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)
  

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy: including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS)
  

The work was neither quick nor easy, but Brenda made steady progress with some certain missteps along the way (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Healing in Therapy).

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex problem that affects many relationships.

As illustrated in the composite vignette, retroactive jealousy has the potential to ruin a relationship.

In many cases, retroactive jealousy doesn't get better without professional help. Without professional help, it can get worse.

Certain self help strategies outlined above (e.g., focusing on the present, meditation and engaging in confidence-boosting activities, etc.) can be help to manage the symptoms of retroactive jealousy. But what is most helpful is getting to the root of the problem--whether the root of the problem stems from your family of origin, prior relationships or other related causes.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you feel your excessive jealousy is having a negative impact on your well-being and your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in this issue (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Overcoming retroactive jealousy requires a commitment to personal growth, patience, perseverance and a willingness to work through your challenges.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can lead a more peaceful and meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Overcoming Jealousy

Are You Arguing About Your Partner's Sexual History Before You Were in a Relationship With Him?

How to Reduce Reactivity in Your Relationship

How An Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life: Part 1

This is the first article in a series on how your attachment style affects your sex life. In the current article, I'm focusing on anxious attachment, which is one of the insecure attachment styles (see my articles: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships, What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

The Anxious Attachment Style

Each attachment style has its own characteristics.  

How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably:

• Use sex to get approval
• Fall in love easily
• Tend to mistrust romantic partners

In addition, if you have an anxious attachment style, you:

• Feel anxiously insecure
• Worry about what others think about you
• Become preoccupied or even obsessive about your romantic partner
• Have a very strong desire to be physically close to your partner due to your insecurity

With regard to your overall satisfaction with your relationship, you:

• Tend to feel dissatisfied with your partner and you can be difficult to please
• Feel misunderstood by your partner
• Feel unappreciated by your partner

Similar to many people with an anxious attachment style, you might:

• Be clingy
• Be dependent
• Demand a lot of attention and care
• Have a strong fear of rejection
• Be extremely jealous if your partner doesn't spend as much time with you as you would like
• Engage in mate guarding (see my article: Irrational Jealousy and Mate Guarding)
• Be overly worried about your appearance and might need a lot of reassurance that you're attractive

How Anxious Attachment Affects Your Sex Life:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you probably engage in some or all of the following behaviors:

• Engage in Sexual Activity, Even When You Don't Want To: You do this because you think it will prevent your partner from abandoning you. This includes becoming sexually active an at earlier age than most other adolescents--not because you want to--but because you feel you have to in order to hold onto someone you're interested in.  This often means you did things you didn't really want to do sexually.

• Use Sex to Get Your Partner's Attention: This includes attempts to get your partner to be attentive and show s/he cares about you.  Sometimes, this takes the form of manipulative behavior.

• Use Sex to Try to Get Close and Seek Approval: You engage in seductive behavior to get your partner to be close to you and to get his or her approval.

• Have a Negative Perception of Your Sexual Experiences: Due to your insecurity, you have a negative view of yourself and your sexual experiences.

• Have Self Doubt and Low Opinion of Your Attractiveness: You need your partner to constantly reassure you that you look good because of your low self esteem.

• Have Emotional Lability: You have emotional ups and downs based on how insecure you might be feeling.

In my next article, I'll provide a clinical example to illustrate how an anxious attachment style affects your sex life: How Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you identify with the characteristics described in this article, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with anxiously attached clients.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can have a more satisfying life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette

In Part 1 of Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players," I described the typical emotional dynamics and behavior of players (also known as pick-up artists), including the their manipulative and emotional abusive behavior towards women.

Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

I described a behavioral dynamic that is on a continuum and, in some cases, can include sociopathic behavior where there is a lack of empathy for how their behavior affects the women they're attempting to seduce (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Also on that continuum are men who eventually find being a player to be unsatisfying, lonely and, despite the conquest of many women, unsatisfying because it feels empty and meaningless.

Often these same men find themselves in an emotional crisis because they can neither remain a player nor can they move forward to a more meaningful life because they don't know any other way to be.

The focus of the this article, including the clinical vignette, will be on this subset of men.

As previously mentioned in the prior article, players can be either men or women, gay, bisexual or heterosexual.  But, generally speaking, the term is usually associated with heterosexual men, which is what this article is about.

Clinical Vignette: The Emotional Crisis of a Man Who is a Player
The following fictional vignette illustrates a typical scenario for a man who learns to develop a persona as a player but who eventually discovers that he wants more than casual hook ups with women--he wants a relationship, but he doesn't know how to be genuinely himself or how to have a committed relationship.

John
When John was in his teens, he wanted more than anything to date women, but he lacked the necessary self confidence to approach them.  Since he was very good looking, many girls were drawn to him and they approached him, but even when he knew that these girls liked him, he felt awkward and shy.

His first sexual experience was with a teenage girl, Jane, from his class who invited him over to her house while her parents were out.  He was highly anxious before going to her house because he feared that this girl would laugh at him due to sexual inexperience.  But rather than laugh at him, Jane, who had prior sexual encounters, led him into the bedroom and patiently initiated him into his first sexual experience.

Afterwards, realizing how pleasurable sex could be, he wanted to have sex with other girls too.  But throughout high school and even in college, he continued to feel shy and lack self confidence, so the only time he had sex was when girls or young women came onto him.

After college, John was at a total loss about how to meet women.  It was much easier for him when he was surrounded by young women in college who took the lead in initiating sex.  But after he graduated from college, he was no longer around women all the time, and he didn't like using dating apps, so he wasn't sure what to do.

Sometimes, he and his friends would go to singles bars and his friends would meet women and take them home  but, more often than not, he remained standing alone against the wall.  Occasionally, an attractive assertive woman would approach him and take him home, but this wasn't usually the case.

One day, feeling disappointed and discouraged, John turned down his friends' invitation to go out to a singles bar.  Although his best friend, Bill usually laughed at John's awkwardness and lack of confidence, when he realized how miserable John was, he told John that any man could learn to pick up women in a bar--he just needed to learn a few simple techniques and strategies and practice them.

Then, Bill recommended that John attend a three-day pick-up artists' boot camp where part of the training would be to stand side by side with a "dating coach" and observe the "dating coach" pick up women at various venues in New York City, including singles bars.

Bill also explained that John would get classroom instruction and drills that he would practice when John would go out with an experienced "dating coach" to apply what he learned in class while the coach stood nearby to observe John and give him feedback later.

In response to Bill, John laughed, but Bill urged him on, "What do you have to lose, man?  By the end of the training, you'll feel confident meeting and picking up women anywhere.  That's how I learned.  This training is foolproof."

With some reluctance, John signed up for the Attractions Method training, and he was amazed that he was able to develop the persona of a player that allowed him to feel the confidence that he lacked with women.  Soon after that, whenever he went out, he psyched himself up and took on this persona.

The strategies that John learned led to his hooking up with hundreds of women over the next several years.  He became so good at being a pick-up artist that he always had a sexy, beautiful woman on his arm, and his friends expressed envy, "John, where do you meet these women!?!  One is more beautiful then the next!"

But whenever one of the women wanted a more serious relationship, John would panic.  He had mastered taking on the persona of a confident pick-up artist and the techniques for picking up women for casual sex, but he was too afraid of allowing any emotional intimacy to develop between him and any of these women.  So, whenever a woman expressed wanting more from him, he would stop seeing her and focus on the many other women he was seeing simultaneously.

At the same time, John discovered that some of the techniques he learned to pick up women also worked in his sales career.  He was able to charm his female boss into giving him the best sales territory in the company.  He was also able to charm customers into buying the company's services.

With all the money he was earning, he attracted even more beautiful women who admired his success, his new sports car, and the way he generously spent money on them.  They were fascinated by him and they wanted to be around him.  He also enjoyed the admiration of his friends and colleagues who not only admired him--they wanted to be him.

But over time, when John was in his mid-30s, he realized that he no longer derived as much pleasure from sleeping with one beautiful woman after the next.  He found most of these women to be narcissistic and shallow, and he felt bored.  Deep down, he also knew that he was just playing a role and, even though he was convincing in this role, this wasn't really how he felt.

His friends were all getting married, some of them were starting families, and he realized that he felt lonely, especially because the only relationships he had with women were shallow and very short term. He never had a substantial monogamous relationship.

Gradually, John realized that there was something missing in his life.  Other than being with beautiful women, having sex with as many of them as possible, and making a lot of money, his life lacked meaning and substance and this was increasingly worrisome to him.

There was one woman, Sara, that he was dating who wasn't narcissistic or shallow.  He really liked her and thought he might like to be in a relationship with her, but he was afraid to be himself.  He feared that, even if he knew what it meant to be himself, Sara wouldn't like him if she knew the real him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

He realized that he had spent so much time taking on the persona of a player that he wasn't even sure who he was anymore.  Although he would have liked to talk to one of his friends about it, he was afraid that he would lose their admiration for his success with having so many women.

When he attempted to talk to Bill, who was married for several years, Bill just brushed him off, "What do you mean you feel lonely?  You're always with a sexy, beautiful women.  I envy you.  Don't get me wrong--I love my wife, but do you have any idea how boring it is to wake up to the same woman every day?  Enjoy yourself and, whatever you do, don't get married.  It's totally overrated."

After John got a similar response from his other close friends, he felt increasingly depressed and isolated.  He began having problems sleeping and getting up in the morning.  It took a lot more effort for him to take on the confident persona and to charm his customers into buying the company's services.  He also began to isolate and stopped seeing many of the women he had been hooking up with.

Soon his sales performance went from being the highest in the company to being one of the lowest.  His boss called him into her office to find out if there was anything wrong, but John didn't feel comfortable confiding in her, so he made up some excuse and told her that he would do better.

Although he managed to fake his way through that meeting with his boss, he knew that all his pretending was sapping him of energy and he felt a big disconnect between how he felt inside and the persona he was trying to project on the outside.  He wasn't even sure why he was doing it anymore--except that he didn't know what else to do.

As he became increasingly depressed, John knew he needed to seek help from a licensed mental health professional.  Admitting this to himself was hard, but he knew it would be much harder if he descended deeper into depression.

During his first session with a female psychotherapist, John was tempted to take on the same persona he used to charm so many women.  It was hard for him to let down his guard to show the therapist just how bad he felt about himself.  At the same time, he knew that, if he was going to overcome his problems, he would need to be honest (see my article: The Importance of Being Honest With Your Therapist).

Gradually, over time, John opened up to his psychotherapist and told her about his history of being a shy, awkward young man and how he learned to be a player with women.  He explained that for a long time he felt like he was on a "high" when he slept with hundreds of beautiful, sexy women and all his friends envied him.

Then, he described the slow descent into his current emotional crisis, his feelings of being a fraud, his loneliness, his yearning to be himself (although he didn't know anymore what that meant), his guilt for the emotional pain he had caused the many women he manipulated, and his fear of developing a relationship with Sara.

Over time, John realized that the more he opened up to his therapist, the more genuine he felt.  Often, he would have realizations about himself in the therapy that he never had before.

As he became more comfortable with his psychotherapist, John allowed her to see more of the frightened, emotionally vulnerable side of himself.  To his surprise, he revealed his shame, which  was a big part of his lack of confidence of awkwardness (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

As he continued to talk in therapy, he also realized that he felt like he was basically an unlovable person who didn't really deserve to be happy with anyone.  It was only when he took on the persona of being a player that he felt confident, but he realized now that this wasn't genuine confidence--it was all a sham (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

His therapist used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the affect bridge so that John could go back to the earliest time when he felt unlovable.  In a relaxed hypnotic state, where John had the dual awareness of being in the here-and-now in the therapist's office as well as being in his earliest memory of feeling unlovable, John recounted how he was constantly and severely criticized and belittled by both of his parents who told him that he would never amount to anything and he would fail at everything.

As he recalled these early memories, John felt a wave of tremendous grief and anger for the way his parents treated him.  He knew that his parents thought they were trying to make him "tough" to face a difficult world, but he also realized how misguided they were.

Having gotten to his earliest memory of feeling unlovable using the affect bridge, his therapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy  to help him overcome the traumatic effect of his early childhood history (see my articles: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Gradually, John began to feel better about himself.  The work with EMDR therapy wasn't the quick fix he hoped that it would be, but he discovered that he was slowly overcoming the trauma that had been an obstacle for him for so many years.

As John felt more confident and more genuinely himself without relying on a persona, over time he developed a relationship with Sara and discovered that she actually liked him for who he was and not for the person he was pretending to be when they first met.

Overall, he was happier in his relationship with Sara and in his career once he was able to overcome his traumatic history and allow himself to be genuine.

Conclusion
Men, who are players, are on a continuum.  With the exception of the most narcissistic or sociopathic male players, many men who engage in this deceptive, manipulative behavior with women eventually find this lifestyle to be hollow and meaningless.

Over time, they long for deeper, more substantial relationships, but they're so caught up in acting the part of a player that they don't know anymore (if they ever did) who they really are.  Giving up the persona would also mean giving up a way that they have come to successfully rely on to have attractive women as well as giving up the admiration they receive from their male peers.  It would also involve showing a more vulnerable part of themselves which they are ashamed of.

This often precipitates an emotional crisis for them, which is difficult to overcome on their own or with the people in their lives.  So, when the pain of being in an emotional crisis becomes greater than their shame, they often seek help in psychotherapy.

In an experiential therapy where the therapist knows how to help clients to trace back the origins of these men's problems, there is an opportunity for them to work through the current issues as well as the underlying issues that caused them to feel inadequate in the first place (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy
If this article resonates with you, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled psychotherapist.

An emotional crisis is painful, but it can also be an opportunity to resolve emotional problems that you might not otherwise feel motivated to address.

Once you have freed yourself from the burden of these emotional issues, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, which is an evidence based therapy which research has shown to be effective for relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.