Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In my previous article, Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction, I focused specifically on how stress and anxiety can make it difficult for men to get and stay hard and how sex therapy can help with this problem.

Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In the current article, I'm addressing the idea that "real men" are always ready and willing to get it up any time, any place and with anyone.  

Is this true?  In a word, no.

Problems With Getting an Maintaining an Erection Are Common

It's not true because, at some time or another, most men have problems with getting or maintaining an erection.  

It's a common problem that occurs occasionally for many reasons, which will be discussed below, and when it occurs occasionally, in most instances, once medical problems have been ruled out, it's not a cause for concern.

The idea that "real men" are always ready to get it up is a form of toxic masculinity which perpetuates psychologically destructive misinformation for men and their partners. And one of the primary reasons it's so destructive is that the logical conclusion to this myth is that a man who isn't always ready to get it up is "less than a man" or deficient in some way. 

This myth often creates feelings of shame and inadequacy for men and feelings of being sexually undesirable for their partners--regardless of sexual orientation and gender.

This myth can also perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, shame, doubt and fear that can lead to ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction (ED) when ED was never the problem to begin with.

Why Can't a Man Get Hard If He Wants to Have Sex and He Finds His Partner Sexually Desirable?

Men aren't machines so it's not a matter of pressing a button to automatically get their penis hard.

Men can find their partners very sexually desirable and still not be able to get or maintain an erection for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to):

• Stress
• Tiredness
• Too much alcohol
• Side effects of certain medications
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Other emotional issues
• Relationship problems
• Health concerns like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, poor circulation, prostate problems, age-related problems and so on
• Financial problems
• Other related issues

When a man's partner assumes that his problems with getting and maintaining an erection reflect poorly on the partner, this perception compounds the problem even further by creating stress and bad feelings in the relationship.

At that point, a man can feel even more pressure to get and stay hard because he feels his masculinity is in question and also because he doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

But stress and pressure make it harder to get and maintain an erection, so this can become a negative cycle.

Are There Times When a "Real Man" Just Doesn't Want to Have Sex?

In a word, yes.

Why should wanting to have sex be any different from wanting to do anything else?

If we were discussing a preference for anything else--going to the movies, eating dinner at a particular restaurant, watching TV and so on, it would be obvious that there are times when people don't want to engage in an activity and other times when they don't.  

It's the same for having sex and, once again, it's not a reflection on the man or his partner.  

But, once again, if a man feels pressure because he doesn't want to have sex, he might feel he has to "man up" to have sex when he doesn't want it because he fears being judged as "less than a man" and he also doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

To complicate matters, many men (and women) don't feel comfortable talking about sex with  their partner because they don't know how and/or they feel ashamed (see my article:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

In addition, even though it's often assumed that "real men" are always ready for sex, many men experience responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire so, even if they're willing to have sex, they need time to get sexually aroused (see my article: Both Responsive and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Normal).

What If Problems With Getting Hard Are Due to Relational Problems?

There are times when men (and women) don't want to have sex because there are problems in the relationship.  This is a common problem.

It's a good idea for a man to see a urologist or sexual health doctor to first rule out any other health reasons that are affecting his ability to have an erection.  Once those problems are ruled out, the problem can be related to other problems, including relational problem with a partner.

With regard to relational problems, it makes sense that feelings of anger, sadness, hurt or emotional numbness aren't conducive to wanting sex.  

Under these circumstances, couples often need to get help both relationally and sexually from a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist to overcome problems that are creating emotional and sexual obstacles in the relationship.

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Couples seek help in couples and sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Sex therapy, in particular, is for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

There is no nudity, sex or physical exams in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy? ).

If you're having problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Overcoming your problems can allow you to have a more meaningful relationship and a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Couples therapist and a sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Womanizers are known by many different names, including players, ladies men, Casanovas,  Romeos, fuckboys and other similar names.  Regardless of the label, they often have certain traits in common (see my article: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Men who are womanizers often have at least some of the following characteristics:

• He Has a Reputation: Former girlfriends and women who dated him can tell you that he has a reputation for lying and keeping secrets, chasing women and discarding them when he gets bored or they call him out on his behavior. Womanizers often leave a trail of broken promises and broken hearts.

• He Has a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships: As part of his bad reputation, a womanizer has a history of cheating when he's supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. He also has a history of lying to prior girlfriends about who he is with and where he is at any given time because he's cheating (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

Womanizers Often Have a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships

• He Comes On Quickly: A womanizer's goal is to have sex with you as quickly as he can before you realize what he's about. He doesn't want you to know too much about him because that could get in the way of seducing you, so speed is important to him.

• He Acts Confident to Try to Impress You:  Womanizers know that confidence, especially sexual confidence, can be a powerful aphrodisiac to many women so they act confident as part of their seduction.

• He Brags About Himself: Related to acting confident, womanizers often brag about themselves, especially about how many women they've slept with.  This is a calculated risk because it's a turn-on for some women, but it's a definite turn-off to many others.  Aside from bragging about his sexual prowess, a womanizer wants you to know that many other women find him sexually desirable, which he hopes will make you feel like you're special because, out of all the women who want him, he's paying attention to you.

• He Says He Doesn't Believe in Relationship Labels: A womanizer often dislikes labels when it comes to defining the nature of your relationship with him. He might make up excuses about it not being necessary to define who you are to each other. This allows him to manipulate you and define things in a way that is convenient for him.

• You Don't Know How Many Other Women He's Seeing: He might be vague as to how many other women he's seeing or he might lie outright and tell you that you're the only one. But chances are, if he's a womanizer, he has at least several women he's stringing along.

Womanizers Often Have Many Women They String Along

• He Lies A Lot: If you don't actually catch him in lies, you'll start getting suspicious about inconsistencies in what he's telling you, especially when he slips up. Lies also include lies of omission.

• He is Constantly Checking Out Other Women: It's not unusual for someone who is in a relationship to feel attractions for other people, but womanizers take it to a whole other level.  He might say he's "just friendly," but he's more than just friendly. If he's constantly checking out other women, he's looking for opportunities for other sexual encounters while you're not paying attention.

Womanizers Constantly Check Out Other Women

• He Doesn't Want to Be Seen With You in Public: He prefers to do "Netflix and Chill" rather than going out with you in public. Even if you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with him, he might be hesitant about disclosing his relationship status with you on social media because this could get in the way of his meeting other women online.  If he does go out with you in public, he dislikes public displays of affection because he's probably looking for other opportunities to meet women when you're not looking.

• He Doesn't Introduce You to Family and Friends: If you've been seeing someone for several months and he hasn't introduced you to family and friends, this is often a warning sign that you're with a womanizer.  A womanizer often makes a lot of excuses about why he doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life.  This is often a red flag that even though you and he are supposed to be monogamous, he's seeing other people. 

• He Displays Signs of Toxic Masculinity: Signs of toxic masculinity include:
• Sexual promiscuity
• Sexism
• A sense of entitlement
• Chauvinism including hostility towards feminism and the Me Too movement
• Sexual aggression
• An exaggerated sense of "manliness" 
• Problems with feeling or expressing vulnerable emotions, like sadness or love
• Violence
• Low empathy, which can border on sociopathy (being a sociopath) in some cases
• A "Bros Before Hos" attitude
• Homophobia

What to Do If You Realize You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Finding out you're with a womanizer can be very hurtful, but rather than avoiding the issue:

• Confront Him: Talk to him about the behavior you've observed in him and that you don't like. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, tell him this and ask him if he's able to make a commitment. If he tells you he's never been monogamous before and he doesn't want to be, believe him. Don't try to convince yourself that you can change him because this often leads to disappointment and heartbreak.  If he says he wants to change and be monogamous, you need to consider whether you can believe and trust him.  If he dismisses your concerns without addressing them, he's probably not ready to change. Womanizers can change, but they often don't, so know what you're up against.

Confront Him and Have a Serious Talk

• Get Help in Therapy: Getting help from a trained mental health professional can provide an opportunity to work things through individually or in couples therapy.  If your partner is sexually compulsive, he could benefit from individual work with a sex therapist.  The two of you can also work with a sex therapist to try to change the dynamics in your relationship. If he refuses to go to therapy, seek help yourself to understand what keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.

• Know When to End the Relationship: Even though it can be very hard to leave someone you love, you need to love yourself first. If you're putting a partner, who is a womanizer, above your own emotional well-being, you could be struggling with low self esteem.  The longer you remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you, the more emotionally damaging it will be for you in the long run (see my article: How to Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players

In my recent articles, I focused on "breadcrumbing," a form of manipulation that is used by one person to string along, control and dominate another in a relationship in order to take advantage of them (see my articles:  Relationships: Is Your Partner "Breadcrumbing" You? - Part 1, Breadcrumbing - Part 2: A Clinical Vignette, and Breadcrumbing - Part 3: Getting Help in Therapy).

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"

In those articles, I focused on the person who is being manipulated.  In this article, I'm focusing on the person who is normally called the "player" (or pickup artist) to get beyond surface appearances and to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues involved.

Although this is a nonjudgmental look at men who are players, it should in no way be construed as condoning manipulative and deceptive behavior at someone else's expense.  Nor should it be interpreted as encouragement for anyone who is involved with a player to remain in a situation where you are being emotionally abused.

What is a "Player"?
A player can be either a man or a woman, heterosexual, gay or bisexual.  But, generally speaking, the term refers to a heterosexual man, who is unlikely to be faithful, honest or respectful in a relationship.    

He usually presents himself as someone who is the opposite of a player--a man who is kind, thoughtful, and interested in being in a monogamous relationship with a woman.  But his outward presentation hides a more seductive and manipulative person who only pretends to be interested in a relationship so he can fool women into having sex with him.   Usually, his main goal is to sleep with as many women as possible in short term hook ups.

Someone who is a "successful player" has mastered the pickup lines, demeanor, and strategies for deceiving a woman into thinking he is serious about a potential relationship with her.  He is often able to quickly assess her emotional vulnerabilities in order to get what he wants (see a fictional vignette from a prior article).

If a player has chosen a woman who is especially vulnerable, he can continue to manipulate her even after she realizes that she is being manipulated.  As in the case of the fictional vignette in my prior article, there are often unconscious issues involved for the woman who becomes aware that she is being manipulated and who remains with a player--even though she realizes that she's being played.

There are numerous books, manuals, workshops and boot camps for men who want to learn to be players.  These sources usually promise men that they will develop the necessary skills to seduce and sleep with as many women as possible.

Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players"
Needless to say, these men are often young and there is usually a level of emotional immaturity and arrested development for men who engage in this behavior.

Just like any other dynamic, the underlying personality dynamics for a player are on a continuum.  This often includes a fair amount of narcissism that vacillates between grandiosity and shame (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

If someone's narcissism is on a sociopathic level, he will usually be completely self serving without any real shame or regret because he lacks the ability to be empathic towards the women he is deceiving and manipulating.

At the same time, there are many men who gravitate towards being players because they lack the necessary social skills and genuine confidence (as opposed to faked confidence) to be real with women.

They think that being a player or a "bad boy" will get them more women.  To an extent they're right about being fascinating towards certain women (see my article: What Makes So-Called "Bad Boys" So Irresistible to So Many Women? Brain Chemistry Might Have the Answer).

Another aspect that makes becoming a player attractive to some men is they believe they will gain the admiration of other men.  They believe that when other men see them with a beautiful, sexy woman on their arm, these men will see them as masculine and desirable to women and buy into the image the player is trying to project.  The fact that this often actually does happen among men only reinforces players' dynamics.

These men often grew up in homes where they didn't see loving relationships modeled for them in their household.  They might have grown up in homes where the father dominated a subservient mother and ruled the family, so these men get a distorted view of masculinity and what it means to be a man.  Also, many of them feel constrained by societal stereotypes of masculinity that are neither realistic nor attainable.

Many of these men, who project an air of confidence and charm, are really emotionally insecure.  They think they've found quick-fix techniques for attracting and manipulating women.  Underneath  their show of confidence is a fear that the women they're meeting will see how insecure and inferior they really feel (see my article: Looking Happy on the Outside But Feeling Broken on the Inside and     How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

While players, who succeed in obsessively seducing and sleeping with many women, might appear to be happy with their conquests, there are certain men for whom these mind games become old. As they age, the novelty and dopamine rush of conquering one woman after another becomes empty and makes them feel lonely.  And the thought of aging and becoming an old player, who is alone, begins to feel pathetic.

These men often face an emotional crisis because they really don't feel genuinely confident in being themselves and they haven't developed the necessary skills to pursue a more substantial relationship with a woman.  So, they can't go back to their old strategies, but they don't know how to move forward either.

The emotional crisis, while being painful, can be the first step for these men to seek help so they can change.

More about these issues in my next article (see Part 2: Understanding the Underlying Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are "Players" - A Clinical Vignette).

Conclusion
Players or pickup artists are usually heterosexual men who engage in manipulative and deceptive strategies to hook up or have sex with as many women as possible.  Their behavior can be emotionally devastating for a woman who is vulnerable to being manipulated.

Underneath the confident and charming facade of a player usually lies a fearful, emotionally immature man who hasn't developed psychologically and interpersonally.  Instead, he has learned various techniques and strategies through books and workshops that promise him success with women.

Over time, some men, who consider themselves to be players and who aren't sociopathic, realize that they're tired of these mind games and want a more substantial relationship with a woman.  But they haven't developed the necessary skills to form a mature relationship.

This often leads to an emotional crisis with feelings of emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness. At that point, they usually feel that they can neither go back to their usual ways of being a player nor can they go forward to form stable, monogamous relationships.

Many men, who are in this emotional crisis, find their way forward by seeking help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, insecurity and lack of self confidence, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

When you feel stuck in a dynamic that no longer works for you and you can't find your way forward, a skilled psychotherapist can help you to get through this emotional crisis so you can discover a more authentic part of yourself to form a stable relationship.

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.