Relationship Choices: What is a "Good Bad Boy"?

Men are often confused about what women want from them and so are some women.

The "Good Bad Boy"

Many men believe women prefer men with "bad boy" traits, but in reality the picture is more complex.

Characteristics Usually Associated With So-Called "Nice Guys" and "Bad Boys"

The concepts of "nice guys" and "bad boys" are stereotypes.

There isn't anyone who is either all good or all bad, but these are common stereotypes. 

In reality, people are more complex, but these stereotypes persist in the dating and relationship world.

Once again, keep in mind that these are stereotypes or archetypes and each person is an individual.

Traits of So-Called "Nice Guys"

Good Traits:

• Kind
• Considerate
• Empathetic and emotionally attuned
• Reliable
• Good listener

    Negative Traits:

• Overly passive
• Lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries
• Lacking self confidence
• Passive aggressive
• Emotionally suppressed or masking
• Potentially resentful if their feelings aren't reciprocated by a romantic interest

Traits of So-Called "Bad Boys"

Good Traits

• Project a sense of confidence and independence (although not always genuine)
• Excitement and adventure
• Rebellious nature
• Charismatic
  
• Authentic (in terms of not trying to people please)
• Assertive
• Passionate

Negative Traits

• Impulsive
• Unstable emotionally or financially
• Narcissistic
  
• Emotionally unavailable
• Manipulative
  
• Dishonest
• Womanizing
  
• Irresponsible
• Selfish and entitled (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality)
• Unhealthy communication including criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

What is the Appeal of the "Nice Guy"?

The appeal of the "nice guy" for many women is that he has many of traits that women want in a man for a relationship.  He is believed to be someone who will be emotionally supportive and dependable. He is someone a woman can count on through thick and thin.  

The "Good Bad Boy"

However, some women who believe in this stereotype think the "nice guy" lacks confidence  in himself and he isn't assertive. 

In addition, if a man is overly compliant to gain approval and validation, this is often described as "The Nice Guy Syndrome" because their sense of self worth is tied to how others perceive them. There is a lack of authenticity that many women can sense which turns them off.

If a man is trying too hard to be "nice", he can come across as dull.

What is the Appeal of the "Bad Boy"?

Many women are attracted to "bad boys" for hookups because they seem fun and exciting--at least at first. 

He is often attractive and women like that he is passionate, unpredictable and an individual who doesn't try to follow traditional norms (see my article: What Makes So-Called  "Bad Boys" Appealing to Many Women?).

But if a man is trying too hard to be a "bad boy" because he thinks this is how he "should be", he will come across as lacking authenticity.

If a woman gets into a relationship with a "bad boy" traits, she will often discover these traits which make it difficult to maintain a stable relationship. And, worse still, if she thinks she can change him, she will probably be disappointed.

The "Good Bad Boy" Combines the Best Traits of the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy"

As previously mentioned, the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy" are stereotypes so they don't usually exist as pure types, but someone might have a particular tendency towards one or the other so that this could be a "red flag" for dating or a committed relationship.

Combining the best traits of the "Nice Guy" and "Bad Boy" would include edginess, some mystery and passion with a strong moral compass, a capacity for good, hidden heroism and "a heart of gold".

These men, who have the best of both traits, are often referred to as "Good Bad Boys".

Movie characters who have "Good Bad Boy" traits include:

• Bruce Wayne (Batman)
• James Bond (Agent 007)
• Hans Solo (Star Wars)
• Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)
• Lestat de Lioncourt (Interview With the Vampire)
• Jim Stark (Rebel Without a Cause)
• Luke Jackson (Cool Hand Luke)
• Rick Blaine (Rick in Casablanca)

An Example of the "Good Bad Boy" 

As an example, Rick of Casablanca initially comes across as aloof, cynical and self centered. Seemily, he doesn't want to get involved in other people's problems in Casablanca.

But he also shows himself to be a kind hero (or a "good bad boy") when he helps a couple by sacrificing his own happiness for the greater good.

Relationship Choices

Each woman makes her own choice as to what type of man she wants to be with in a casual or committed relationship (see my article: Making Healthy Choices in Relationships).

Sometimes a woman makes an unconscious choice and she only realizes later after she gets to know the man and she understands the dynamics between them.

This is why it's important for everyone choosing a mate to be aware of their choices (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

12 Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Womanizers are known by many different names, including players, ladies men, Casanovas,  Romeos, fuckboys and other similar names.  Regardless of the label, they often have certain traits in common (see my article: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players - Part 1 and Part 2).

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Men who are womanizers often have at least some of the following characteristics:

• He Has a Reputation: Former girlfriends and women who dated him can tell you that he has a reputation for lying and keeping secrets, chasing women and discarding them when he gets bored or they call him out on his behavior. Womanizers often leave a trail of broken promises and broken hearts.

• He Has a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships: As part of his bad reputation, a womanizer has a history of cheating when he's supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. He also has a history of lying to prior girlfriends about who he is with and where he is at any given time because he's cheating (see my article: The Thrill of the Chase).

Womanizers Often Have a History of Cheating in Prior Relationships

• He Comes On Quickly: A womanizer's goal is to have sex with you as quickly as he can before you realize what he's about. He doesn't want you to know too much about him because that could get in the way of seducing you, so speed is important to him.

• He Acts Confident to Try to Impress You:  Womanizers know that confidence, especially sexual confidence, can be a powerful aphrodisiac to many women so they act confident as part of their seduction.

• He Brags About Himself: Related to acting confident, womanizers often brag about themselves, especially about how many women they've slept with.  This is a calculated risk because it's a turn-on for some women, but it's a definite turn-off to many others.  Aside from bragging about his sexual prowess, a womanizer wants you to know that many other women find him sexually desirable, which he hopes will make you feel like you're special because, out of all the women who want him, he's paying attention to you.

• He Says He Doesn't Believe in Relationship Labels: A womanizer often dislikes labels when it comes to defining the nature of your relationship with him. He might make up excuses about it not being necessary to define who you are to each other. This allows him to manipulate you and define things in a way that is convenient for him.

• You Don't Know How Many Other Women He's Seeing: He might be vague as to how many other women he's seeing or he might lie outright and tell you that you're the only one. But chances are, if he's a womanizer, he has at least several women he's stringing along.

Womanizers Often Have Many Women They String Along

• He Lies A Lot: If you don't actually catch him in lies, you'll start getting suspicious about inconsistencies in what he's telling you, especially when he slips up. Lies also include lies of omission.

• He is Constantly Checking Out Other Women: It's not unusual for someone who is in a relationship to feel attractions for other people, but womanizers take it to a whole other level.  He might say he's "just friendly," but he's more than just friendly. If he's constantly checking out other women, he's looking for opportunities for other sexual encounters while you're not paying attention.

Womanizers Constantly Check Out Other Women

• He Doesn't Want to Be Seen With You in Public: He prefers to do "Netflix and Chill" rather than going out with you in public. Even if you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with him, he might be hesitant about disclosing his relationship status with you on social media because this could get in the way of his meeting other women online.  If he does go out with you in public, he dislikes public displays of affection because he's probably looking for other opportunities to meet women when you're not looking.

• He Doesn't Introduce You to Family and Friends: If you've been seeing someone for several months and he hasn't introduced you to family and friends, this is often a warning sign that you're with a womanizer.  A womanizer often makes a lot of excuses about why he doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life.  This is often a red flag that even though you and he are supposed to be monogamous, he's seeing other people. 

• He Displays Signs of Toxic Masculinity: Signs of toxic masculinity include:
• Sexual promiscuity
• Sexism
• A sense of entitlement
• Chauvinism including hostility towards feminism and the Me Too movement
• Sexual aggression
• An exaggerated sense of "manliness" 
• Problems with feeling or expressing vulnerable emotions, like sadness or love
• Violence
• Low empathy, which can border on sociopathy (being a sociopath) in some cases
• A "Bros Before Hos" attitude
• Homophobia

What to Do If You Realize You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer

Finding out you're with a womanizer can be very hurtful, but rather than avoiding the issue:

• Confront Him: Talk to him about the behavior you've observed in him and that you don't like. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, tell him this and ask him if he's able to make a commitment. If he tells you he's never been monogamous before and he doesn't want to be, believe him. Don't try to convince yourself that you can change him because this often leads to disappointment and heartbreak.  If he says he wants to change and be monogamous, you need to consider whether you can believe and trust him.  If he dismisses your concerns without addressing them, he's probably not ready to change. Womanizers can change, but they often don't, so know what you're up against.

Confront Him and Have a Serious Talk

• Get Help in Therapy: Getting help from a trained mental health professional can provide an opportunity to work things through individually or in couples therapy.  If your partner is sexually compulsive, he could benefit from individual work with a sex therapist.  The two of you can also work with a sex therapist to try to change the dynamics in your relationship. If he refuses to go to therapy, seek help yourself to understand what keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.

• Know When to End the Relationship: Even though it can be very hard to leave someone you love, you need to love yourself first. If you're putting a partner, who is a womanizer, above your own emotional well-being, you could be struggling with low self esteem.  The longer you remain in a relationship with someone who is cheating on you, the more emotionally damaging it will be for you in the long run (see my article: How to Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.