Posts
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| Using Anger to Mobilize Yourself to Make Positive Changes |
Anger Can Mobilize You to Make Changes That Are Difficult For You
Many people see anger as negative.
Part of the reason for this is that children are often raised to believe that they're "bad" if they're angry and if they express their anger. This is especially true for girls. This is one of the reasons why so many people have problems recognizing, experiencing and expressing their anger in a constructive way.
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| Children Are Often Told That They're "Bad" If They're Angry |
But there's another way to look at anger, which is that anger can help to propel you to make major changes in your life, especially changes that you might be procrastinating about.
Making major changes in your life can be difficult. It's rare to approach a major change without feelings of ambivalence. So, part of you might really want to make a major change, but another part might be fearful of taking the necessary steps.
Becoming Aware of Your Anger
Before you can use your anger to propel you to change, you first have to be able to recognize that you're angry.
The fear and shame of being angry can be so great that many people will deny that they're angry even when it's obvious to everyone around them.
Making major changes in your life can be difficult. It's rare to approach a major change without feelings of ambivalence. So, part of you might really want to make a major change, but another part might be fearful of taking the necessary steps.
Becoming Aware of Your Anger
Before you can use your anger to propel you to change, you first have to be able to recognize that you're angry.
The fear and shame of being angry can be so great that many people will deny that they're angry even when it's obvious to everyone around them.
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| Becoming Aware of Your Anger |
For people who deny ever feeling angry, their fear of their anger has affected them to the point where they unconsciously numb themselves emotionally. Even if they're shaking with rage, shouting, red in the face, and their heart is pounding, they're so cut off from their body and their emotions that they really have no awareness that they're angry.
Before they can use their anger in a constructive way, they need to slow everything down in order to become aware of their bodily sensations. Depending upon how dissociated they are from their body and emotions, it can take a while before they can allow themselves to experience their anger physically and emotionally.
Recognizing There's No Need to Feel Ashamed or Afraid of Being Angry
Part of the reason why people dissociate from their anger is that they associate anger with fear and shame. After they become aware of their anger, they need to develop the capacity to tolerate the underlying feelings associated with their anger.
Before they can use their anger in a constructive way, they need to slow everything down in order to become aware of their bodily sensations. Depending upon how dissociated they are from their body and emotions, it can take a while before they can allow themselves to experience their anger physically and emotionally.
Recognizing There's No Need to Feel Ashamed or Afraid of Being Angry
Part of the reason why people dissociate from their anger is that they associate anger with fear and shame. After they become aware of their anger, they need to develop the capacity to tolerate the underlying feelings associated with their anger.
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| Recognizing There's No Need to Feel Ashamed or Afraid of Being Angry |
Even when adults know that their fear and shame stem from what they were told as children, this intellectual understanding isn't enough for them to feel comfortable with accepting their anger.
For many people, getting to the point of feeling comfortable with anger is a process that can take a while to accomplish.
Recognizing Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Anger is often a secondary emotion. It can mask other emotions that are much more uncomfortable for some people than anger. One of those emotions is sadness.
People who are uncomfortable with allowing themselves to feel their sadness often fear that they will drown in their sadness--that it will be too overwhelming.
But this usually isn't the case. If anything, the energy that it takes to suppress these underlying feelings is what's overwhelming and tiring.
Using Your Anger to Take Positive Steps to Change
You don't have to work through all your underlying feelings about anger in order to make positive changes in your life.
In order to use anger in a positive way, you need to be able to focus on your own needs rather than the external circumstances are that arouse your anger.
Examples of How to Use Anger to Make Positive Changes By Focusing on Your Needs:
The point is that you can shift your focus from the external circumstances and focus on your own emotional, physical or spiritual well-being.
Of course, there are times when external circumstances warrant being addressed directly, as in the case, for example, of social injustice. Under those circumstances, you can still use your anger to make positive changes for yourself as well as for systemic problems.
Rather than allowing anger to eat away at you, you can use your anger to be creative in coming up with positive solutions to the problem.
Getting Help in Therapy
Everything that I've discussed so far is about non-violent anger. It's about anger that can be self destructive or even emotionally destructive to others, but it's not about physical violence.
If you or someone that you love has problems where s/he gets physically violent, that's a much more serious problem and requires professional help from a licensed mental health professional.
Working with a licensed psychotherapist can also help you if you have tried to shift your anger to your own needs and you've been unable to do it--for example, when your anger is related to emotional trauma that is overwhelming you.
You're not alone.
Help is available. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the psychological obstacles that are hindering you from having the life that you want.
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
For many people, getting to the point of feeling comfortable with anger is a process that can take a while to accomplish.
Recognizing Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Anger is often a secondary emotion. It can mask other emotions that are much more uncomfortable for some people than anger. One of those emotions is sadness.
People who are uncomfortable with allowing themselves to feel their sadness often fear that they will drown in their sadness--that it will be too overwhelming.
But this usually isn't the case. If anything, the energy that it takes to suppress these underlying feelings is what's overwhelming and tiring.
Using Your Anger to Take Positive Steps to Change
You don't have to work through all your underlying feelings about anger in order to make positive changes in your life.
In order to use anger in a positive way, you need to be able to focus on your own needs rather than the external circumstances are that arouse your anger.
Examples of How to Use Anger to Make Positive Changes By Focusing on Your Needs:
- Rather than focusing on how your boss, once again, took credit for your ideas, focus on what you need to do for yourself. Do you need to communicate with your boss? Do you need to start documenting your ideas? or do you need to start looking for another job?
- Rather than being focusing on how you can change your spouse, who refuses to change, ask yourself what you need to do for yourself in order to be happy.
- Rather than focusing on your friend, who divulged personal information about you that you asked her not to reveal, ask yourself what you need to do to take care of yourself.
- Rather than being annoyed with your doctor who just told you that you need to lose weight for health reasons, ask yourself what you can do to get healthy.
The point is that you can shift your focus from the external circumstances and focus on your own emotional, physical or spiritual well-being.
Of course, there are times when external circumstances warrant being addressed directly, as in the case, for example, of social injustice. Under those circumstances, you can still use your anger to make positive changes for yourself as well as for systemic problems.
Rather than allowing anger to eat away at you, you can use your anger to be creative in coming up with positive solutions to the problem.
Getting Help in Therapy
Everything that I've discussed so far is about non-violent anger. It's about anger that can be self destructive or even emotionally destructive to others, but it's not about physical violence.
If you or someone that you love has problems where s/he gets physically violent, that's a much more serious problem and requires professional help from a licensed mental health professional.
Working with a licensed psychotherapist can also help you if you have tried to shift your anger to your own needs and you've been unable to do it--for example, when your anger is related to emotional trauma that is overwhelming you.
 |
| Getting Help in Therapy |
Help is available. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the psychological obstacles that are hindering you from having the life that you want.
About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
