Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself When You're Having Sex?

The sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, did groundbreaking work on the human sexual response.  As part of their work, they developed a term called "spectatoring" in the 1970s to describe the experience of self consciously watching yourself while having sex. 

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts in Bed?

When you're spectatoring, instead of being present with your partner, you're both a participant and a spectator of the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor.  It gets in the way of being fully present and sexually aroused.  It can also turn sex into a performance rather than an intimate experience (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Spectatoring often comes with an anxious, self conscious, critical voice.  It's the opposite of being present with your partner.  It can include critical comments about your body image: "I wonder if my partner thinks I look fat" or negative thoughts about how you're interacting sexually: "Does my partner like how I'm touching her?" (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Instead of being attuned to your partner's and your own sexual experience, you're making negative comments about yourself in your mind as if you're someone else. 

You might also be distracted by unresolved issues in your relationship or unresolved trauma (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If you're spectatoring, you're distracted, so chances are very good you're not enjoying your experience.  Also, your partner probably realizes that you're not present, so the experience is less satisfying for him or her too.

How to Stop Spectatoring Using Mindfulness

One way to overcome spectatoring is to use mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a practice where you focus on what you're feeling and sensing in the moment without judgment or interpretation.  

Not only does it help you to focus, it also helps you to relax (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Before you use mindfulness during sex, I recommend that you practice mindfulness daily during everyday activities, like when you're walking, savoring a meal, smelling flowers, taking a shower or any other similar activity.  

You can also practice mindfulness during solo pleasuring (masturbation) to enhance your experience, get to know what you like sexually and be able to communicate this to your partner (see my articles: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

By practicing mindfulness, you can develop the skill of being mindfully present in bed with your partner, which will make sex more pleasurable.

Getting Help in Therapy

Asking for help can be challenging, but struggling with unresolved problems is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help in Therapy).

Everyone needs help at some point, so if you're feeling stuck, you're not alone.

A skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from living a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?

Performative sex is goal-oriented sex that follows a script with a predefined role.  When sex is performative, instead of it being natural and enjoyable, it becomes a show or a performance (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming the Habit of Performative Sex

Sex often becomes performative when people are anxious, distracted or self conscious during sex.  When this happens, they're not attuned to themselves or their sex partner.  They're too worried about whether they're "doing it right" or if their body looks good, and how their partner sees them.  

Men often worry about their penis being too small and whether their penis will remain erect long enough to satisfy their partner.  

Women often worry about their body image--the size of their breasts and whether they're overweight.  Many women also worry about whether they'll have an orgasm and, if so, if they'll take so long that it will frustrate their partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Unfortunately, so many people get their sex education from pornography where both performers always look sexy, ready and able to achieve simultaneous orgasms with no foreplay.  But this is a performance--it's not real life.  

Performative sex can become a habit--even between two people who are in a long term, committed relationship.  Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this habit, as described below.

Focus on the Here and Now

• Focus on the present moment--not on the past or the future.

• Focus on being attuned to yourself and to your partner physically and emotionally.

• Practice synchronizing your breath to your partner's breath as one way to stay connected.

Communicate With Your Partner

• Ask your partner what they like if you're not sure (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Tell your partner what you like. 

• Make sure you have consent from your partner.  Don't assume you have consent--even if you've done the same things sexually many times before.  If you're not sure, ask.

Don't Feel Rejected If Your Partner Doesn't Like What You Like

• Recognize that everyone is different when it comes to what they like sexually.

• Be aware that if your partner doesn't like what you like, your partner isn't rejecting you so don't take it personally.  You might be able to work out a compromise or, if not, find something else that you both enjoy.

Don't Feel Compelled to Do Anything You Don't Want to Do

• Don't feel you have to do anything sexually that you don't feel comfortable doing.  

• Don't override your own feelings.  This is often a problem for women, who are socialized to be people pleasers, so they override their feelings to just "get through it" or to "get it over with."

• Recognize that when you override your feelings to do something you don't want to do, you're damaging your self esteem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many issues, including a history of abuse or trauma, can get in the way of having a satisfying sex life.

If you're struggling, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.