Sexual Wellness: Savoring Pleasure

Just like a delicious meal is best appreciated by savoring it, slow intense sex is much more pleasurable than rushed sex (see my articles: Mindful Sex and What is Rec-Relational Sex?).

Savoring Pleasure

Although there's a time and place for fun quickies, a longer sexual buildup adds to pleasure and can lead to more intense orgasms (see my articles: Rethinking Foreplay as Just a Prelude to Intercourse and Closing the Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Savoring Pleasure

When it comes to pleasurable experiences, delicious food and good sex have a lot in common. With delicious food, you might think of it as starting with a much-anticipated reservation at your favorite restaurant.  

The pleasure of this experience begins after you've gotten the reservation and you're thinking about what you'll wear, how you'll slowly sip your favorite wine before appetizers arrive, being made to feel special by your server, the ambiance, choosing your favorite food, enjoying every tasty morsel, and pacing your experience to enjoy every moment.

Many individuals and couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City tell me that they don't have time for sex and, even when they have time, they're too exhausted.  

Others say that the thought of scheduling a time for sex feels unnatural and they think it should happen spontaneously. But when they try to be more spontaneous, it doesn't happen--except, maybe, when they're on vacation.

Scheduling time to have sex might feel counterintuitive at first, but when you know you have the time and privacy to enjoy sexual pleasure, you can relax more and give yourself over to a pleasurable experience.  You'll enjoy sex so much more when you're free of your usual responsibilities.

In addition, scheduling time for sex often increases the anticipation and buildup of sexual pleasure. 

For instance, if you and your partner plan to have sex on a Saturday night while your children are staying with your parents, you and your partner can fantasize about what you want to do together, which massage oil and sex toys you'll use, and which sexual positions will be most fun (see my articles: Accessing Your Sexual Energy, Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences and Reviving Your Sex Life With Your Peak Sexual Experiences).

Other couples, who have been together for a long time, complain in couples therapy that they've become so bored with their sex life that they've just stopped having sex (see my articles: Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship and Overcoming Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship).

Changing Your Sex Script

It's easy to get into a sexual rut where you're doing the same things and deriving less pleasure from them (see my articles: Changing Your Sex Script - Part 1: Sexual Arousal, Part 2: The Beginning Phase, Part 3: Understanding Sexual Motivation).

When you have time to be sexually intimate, you want to pace yourself in much the same way you would pace yourself when you're enjoying a special delicious meal.  

You can enhance your experience by using Sensate Focus techniques, which were originally developed by Masters and Johnson:

• Taking Turns With Hand-riding: Hand-riding begins with non-genital touch. The partner being touched places a hand on top of the hand of the partner who is touching and gently guides them on how they like to be touched--where, how much pressure, etc. 

• Adding Lotion or Massage Oil: According to Masters and Johnson, one way to increase pleasure is to change the medium of touch.  So, adding lotion or oil can add a new dimension to make touch more pleasurable.

• Mutual Touch: Using hands, lips and tongue, you explore each other's bodies at the same time (rather than taking turns during the initial stage of Sensate Focus with hand-riding).

• Sensual Intercourse: Masters and Johnson emphasized sensuality, so they used the phrase "sensual intercourse" instead of "sexual intercourse."  Rather than beginning with sexual thrusting, sensual intercourse focuses on first experiencing the sensations of warmth and touch, like brushing genitals against each other.

Savoring Pleasure During Solo Sex

Savoring sexual pleasure isn't just for couples.  

Whether you're in a relationship or not, as I mentioned in my article Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self, you can also enjoy solo sex by taking the time to discover what's pleasurable to you.  Knowing what you enjoy sexually can also enhance partnered sex.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many individuals and couples need help to establish or revive their sex life, but they feel too ashamed to seek help (see my article: Why It's Important to Talk to Your Therapist About Problems With Sex).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the barriers that keep you from having a more fulfilling life, so rather than struggling on your own, seek help.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Mindfulness Help to Increase Sexual Pleasure?

In her book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, Dr. Lori A. Brotto, discusses how mindfulness can help women to develop increased sexual arousal, desire and overall sexual satisfaction (see my article: Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Mindfulness Can Help to Increase Sexual Pleasure

To put this in context:  According to sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski, who wrote Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life and the forward for Dr. Brotto's book, recent sex research indicates that whereas most men experience spontaneous sexual desire, only about 16% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire.  

That means that the vast majority of women experience what's called responsive desire, which is more dependent on context (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

It's not a matter of one type of sexual desire being better than another.  Both spontaneous and responsive sexual desire are "normal." They're just different.  But what's usually portrayed as normal in the media, especially in pornography, is spontaneous desire--as if all women are instantly aroused and ready for sex at the drop of a hat without sexual stimulation. But this is a fallacy.

For women (and a small minority of men) who experience responsive desire, in order for them to get sexually turned on, context is key.  They usually need to feel relaxed and they need more sexual stimulation to get turned on, as compared to people with spontaneous sexual desire.  

Sexual stimulation can be physical or psychological or both (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: Enhancing Sexual Motivation With Psychological Stimulation for an explanation of the difference between physical and psychological stimulation).

According to Dr. Brotto, some women experience a disconnection between their mind and their body so that their mind doesn't register that their body is actually turned on. This is called sexual discordance.  In other words, they're not picking up on sexual arousal cues in their bodies that they're turned on, so they're not motivated to have sex.

Dr. Brotto provides lots of research and helpful clinical examples in her book to illustrate her points.

How Does Mindfulness Help Women With Low Sexual Desire?

Dr. Brotto posits that a mindfulness practice can help women to achieve sexual concordance, which is the opposite of sexual discordance.  With sexual concordance, the mind and the body are aligned (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Developing a Felt Sense of Your Internal Experiences).

With mindfulness, women can become more aware of their here-and-now bodily experience so they can feel sexual arousal cues in their body.  Rather than being distracted by other thoughts, these women can develop reciprocal communication between their mind and body.  In other words, there is a two-way communication that connects their thoughts with their physical sensations.

When there is concordance between the mind and the body, women, who normally experience low libido, can become more internally attuned so they're motivated to have sex--whether this is solo sex or partnered sex.

Developing a Mindfulness Meditation Practice

Like any skill, a mindfulness meditation practice is developed over time (see my article:  What is Mindfulness Meditation?).

One simple way to begin is by learning to do a a body scan meditation where you slowly sense into your body starting at the crown of your head and going all the way down to your feet.  

If you're new to mindfulness, you can also start with one of Jon Kabat-Zinn's recordings, Mindfulness For Beginners, to develop basic mindfulness skills.  You can start with just a few minutes a day and increase time from there.  

A regular mindfulness practice will help you to develop these skills.  Even if you feel discouraged at first, keep at it.  Over time, you'll get better at dealing with distracting thoughts which come inevitably--even for experienced meditators. Accept those thoughts and then let them go.

Another valuable resource, if this is all new to you, is a book by Dr. Ann Weiser Cornell called The Power of Focusing where she gives basic exercises to help you get started.

After you have developed basic mindfulness skills, Dr. Brotto's book can help you to become more sexually aware of your own experience by helping you to develop interoceptive awareness, which is the ability to detect your internal bodily sensations.  

With regard to interoceptive awareness, everyone is on a continuum.  Some people are very aware of what's going on with their body--they sense their heartbeat or small changes in muscle tension.  Other people aren't as interoceptively aware.  But almost everyone can develop this awareness with mindful meditation practice.

An added benefit of developing interoceptive awareness, according to Dr. Brotto, is that women who tend to see themselves through an objectifying body shaming lens often develop more positive images of themselves.

Even if you don't have problems with low libido, becoming sexually mindful can enhance your sexual experiences.

Getting Help in Therapy

Although mindfulness, especially sexual mindfulness, can be helpful, there are times when you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome problems related to low sexual desire.  This is especially true if you have unresolved trauma.

Unresolved trauma is often a major obstacle to experiencing sexual desire, but it doesn't have to be.  A trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma so that you can have a more fulfilling life (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who has experience helping clients to overcome trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually.  In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop.  So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).

Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences

Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.

Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.  

Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.

What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?

Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• Where were you?

• What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?

• What got you sexually turned on?

• What were you thinking?

• What were you feeling emotionally?

What sensations were you experiencing?

• What did you see?
• What did you hear? 
• What did you feel (physical sensations)
• What did you smell?
• What did you taste?

If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.  

Sound can be evocative.  For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?

Similarly, smell can be evocative.  For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way.  Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.

After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.

Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.

For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden  quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.

I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.

If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.

Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Your sexual energy is your life force.  After all, you were conceived as a result of sexual energy. So, knowing how to access this energy can give you a sense of aliveness, regardless of whether or not you have a partner (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Developing the Erotic Self - Part 1, Part 2 and Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Discovery).

Sexual Wellness: How to Access Your Sexual Energy

Suggestions For Accessing Your Sexual Energy

Here are several ways to access your sexual energy--even if you've been out of touch with it for a while:

• Connect to Your 5 Senses: Your five senses include what you see, hear, smell, feel (touch) and taste.  By engaging your senses in pleasurable ways, you can come alive sensuously and sexually.  This can include tasting delicious food, smelling your favorite scent, listening to your favorite music, and so on.

• Move: Exercise and dance can be pleasurable ways to access your sexual energy. These activities can connect you to your deepest energy.  When you feel the beat of the music, it can connect you to your heartbeat.  As you move,  you can feel the rhythm of the music, which makes you come alive to your senses, including your erotic sense.  To access sexual energy through exercise, you can try: glut bridges, plank, Kegels, pigeon pose and so on (always consult with your medical doctor before you begin an exercise program).

• Make Sounds: Humming, singing, chanting and making other sounds that vibrate in your body is another good way to connect with your sexual energy.  

• Try Self Pleasure: Touch yourself in ways that feel pleasurable to you.  If you're uncomfortable with masturbating, you can enliven your sensuous self by doing simple things like taking a bubble bath or massaging yourself with your favorite lotion or oil after you shower.  You can also use sex toys (if you feel comfortable) to connect with your sexual energy.  You might need to experiment with the type of toys that feel right to you.

• Get a Sensual Massage: Touch is so important, and a relaxing massage can help to reconnect you to your body, especially your erogenous zones like the nape of your neck, your scalp, behind your knees, your earlobes, your buttocks and genitals, and your feet--to name the most common erogenous zones.  You might also discover additional erogenous zones that enlive you.  Whether you massage yourself with massage oil or a partner gives you a sensual massage, this kind of touch is healing and can also help you to access your sexual energy.  

Overcoming Psychological Issues That Inhibit Your Sexual Energy

Sometimes unresolved trauma can inhibit or block your sexual energy.  Whether this was the result of sexual abuse, anxiety or familial or cultural taboos, a trauma therapist who uses Experiential Therapy can help you to overcome the problems that are keeping you blocked (see my article: Why Experiential Psychotherapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been feeling disconnected from yourself emotionally or physically, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who uses the mind-body connection in therapy (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help.  

Resolving the problems that keep you blocked can free you from your history and reconnect you to your vitality.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts About Yourself When You're Having Sex?

The sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, did groundbreaking work on the human sexual response.  As part of their work, they developed a term called "spectatoring" in the 1970s to describe the experience of self consciously watching yourself while having sex. 

Sexual Wellness: Are You Distracted By Negative Thoughts in Bed?

When you're spectatoring, instead of being present with your partner, you're both a participant and a spectator of the experience.   

Spectatoring often occurs when there is performance anxiety, which is a sexual inhibitor.  It gets in the way of being fully present and sexually aroused.  It can also turn sex into a performance rather than an intimate experience (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Spectatoring often comes with an anxious, self conscious, critical voice.  It's the opposite of being present with your partner.  It can include critical comments about your body image: "I wonder if my partner thinks I look fat" or negative thoughts about how you're interacting sexually: "Does my partner like how I'm touching her?" (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

Instead of being attuned to your partner's and your own sexual experience, you're making negative comments about yourself in your mind as if you're someone else. 

You might also be distracted by unresolved issues in your relationship or unresolved trauma (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If you're spectatoring, you're distracted, so chances are very good you're not enjoying your experience.  Also, your partner probably realizes that you're not present, so the experience is less satisfying for him or her too.

How to Stop Spectatoring Using Mindfulness

One way to overcome spectatoring is to use mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a practice where you focus on what you're feeling and sensing in the moment without judgment or interpretation.  

Not only does it help you to focus, it also helps you to relax (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Before you use mindfulness during sex, I recommend that you practice mindfulness daily during everyday activities, like when you're walking, savoring a meal, smelling flowers, taking a shower or any other similar activity.  

You can also practice mindfulness during solo pleasuring (masturbation) to enhance your experience, get to know what you like sexually and be able to communicate this to your partner (see my articles: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery and How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

By practicing mindfulness, you can develop the skill of being mindfully present in bed with your partner, which will make sex more pleasurable.

Getting Help in Therapy

Asking for help can be challenging, but struggling with unresolved problems is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help in Therapy).

Everyone needs help at some point, so if you're feeling stuck, you're not alone.

A skilled therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are keeping you from living a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

In my prior article, Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?, I began a discussion about a problem which is common in long term relationships.  My focus in this article is to continue with the clinical vignette presented in the previous article to show how couples therapy can be helpful.

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

Jane and John:

To recap from the prior article: John and Jane, who were in their 50s and in a 15 year marriage, sought help in couples therapy to overcome problems with sexual boredom in their marriage (see my article: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?).

By the time they started couples therapy, their sex life had dwindled to almost nothing and Jane rarely had an orgasm with John, although she experienced orgasms without a problem in her prior relationships (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

At first, John was uncomfortable talking about their sex life (or about sex in general), but over time, he got comfortable and opened up (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

As part of the assessment, the couples therapist obtained information from each of them about their family of origin and sexual history, including their earliest sexual experiences.  

Jane's family had an open attitude with regard to talking about sex, which contrasted with John's more conservative background and his family's reticence to talk about sex.  Jane also had much more sexual experience than John, including experiences of having orgasms.  

In addition, Jane's desire to be more adventurous to spice up their sex life was also markedly different from John's reticence about using sex toys, watching porn, and so on.  However, they both agreed that they loved each other and they wanted to preserve their relationship.

Since John acknowledged that his libido had always been low, he couples therapist recommended that he see his medical doctor to rule out any physical problems.  The doctor informed John that his testosterone was low, so he prescribed medication for John, which increased his libido and how often he wanted to have sex with Jane.

During couples therapy, John and Jane learned that they had a particular dynamic in their relationship: Jane tended to be the pursuer and John tended to be the withdrawer.  Rather than blaming each other, their therapist encouraged them to focus on changing their dynamic (see my article: Relationships: How Pursuers and Withdrawers Can Improve Their Sex Life).

As a result, instead of Jane always being the one who sought sex in their relationship, John initiated more.  They also became curious about their limited sexual repertoire (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Each of them also learned more about their own and each other's sexual turn-ons and turn-offs (see my articles: Understanding Your Sexual Brakes and Accelerators - Part 1 and Part 2).

John became more attuned to Jane's sexual pleasure so that she experienced more fulfilling sex, including orgasms (see my articles: The Orgasm Gap Between Women and Men - Part 1 and Part 2).

Gradually, John learned to be more open and adventurous in terms of both physical and psychological and physical sexual stimulation Sex Tips For Men to Be Better Partners to Women and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

As sex became more pleasurable for both of them, John and Jane each looked forward to having sex rather than approaching it with anxiety and foreboding as they had in the past.

Getting Help in Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, also known as EFT, has been proven to be an effective modality for relationship issues (see my article:  What is EFT Couples Therapy?).

If you're struggling with unresolved relationship issues, you could benefit from working with an EFT therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?

It's not unusual for one or both individuals in a long term relationship to feel bored with their sex life.  A recent survey of 653 adults cited in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that most people in long term relationships have experienced sexual boredom (see my articles: What is Good Sex? and Do You Remember What It Was Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship?).

What is Sexual Boredom?

What is Sexual Boredom?

About half of the respondents in the survey defined sexual boredom as sex being routine, monotonous and repetitive.  

Others indicated that sexual boredom resulted from sex feeling like an obligation in their relationship as opposed to being a pleasurable activity.

Other respondents said they experienced sexual boredom from being with the same sexual partner for a long time.  Other issues cited included low libido, difficulty reaching orgasm, and reduced sexual pleasure.  Some respondents also reported a decrease in sexual frequency and lack of affection or emotional connection with their long term partner.

The 3 Themes of Sexual Boredom

The survey cited three basic themes or factors regarding sexual boredom:

• Individual factors
• Interpersonal factors 
• Practice Related factors

Individual factors: 

• difficulty concentrating or being present during sex
• feeling sad during sex
• feeling indifferent about sex
• feeling tired

Interpersonal factors:

• feeling their partner was selfish during sex
• feeling their partner wasn't enjoying sex as much as they were

Practice-related factors:

• feeling bored due to a limited sexual repertoire in their relationship

Clinical Vignette: Sexual Boredom in a Long Term Relationship

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases (with no identifying information to preserve confidentiality) which illustrates a typical scenario:

John and Jane

When John and Jane began couples therapy, they were both in their early 50s and married for 15 years.  They had no children, and it was the second marriage for each of them (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?).

Jane was the one who sought couples therapy because, even though she felt they had a loving marriage and they had no other major problems, she was concerned about their dwindling sex life.  

Although John was initially reluctant to attend couples therapy because he didn't think it would be helpful, as the therapy progressed, he saw the value in therapy and he became more of an active participant.  

Both of them told the couples therapist that they still loved the other and they wanted to repair their marriage.

During their initial session, Jane said that even though sex was never very passionate between them--not even during their two years of dating--she had hoped it would improve once they got married.  She said she felt disappointed that it had not improved and that it had become infrequent, boring and routine.

One of the reasons why she married John was because she knew he was "a good man" that she could trust, which was important to her after her experience with infidelity in her first marriage.  

However, over the years their sex life had dwindled down to just once or twice a year.  She said sex had become routine and boring to her, and she sensed that John was also bored, but he was reluctant to talk about it with her (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Jane felt their sexual repertoire was very limited.  In an effort to spice up their sex life, Jane suggested several years before that they try new things.  One thing she suggested was using sex toys, but John was unwilling because he felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about sex toys.  She also sensed he felt threatened and sexually diminished by the idea of using sex toys.  

John acknowledged to the couples therapist that he couldn't understand why they would need sex toys.  He said it made him feel like less than a man that his wife would want sex toys.  In response, the couples therapist said they would talk about this in future couples sessions.

Another thing Jane suggested was watching pornography, but John wasn't open to watching porn.  He told the couples therapist that he felt embarrassed watching other people having sex--even if it was only a video.

In general, Jane said, John had such difficulty talking about sex that she had all but given up trying to spice up their sex life.  But she also felt they were too young to give up.  She was close to tears when she told the couples therapist that she couldn't stand the idea that they might spend the rest of their lives together enduring boring sex or no sex.

The couples therapist met with John and Jane individually for a few sessions each to get their family and sexual histories.  She assured each of them that whatever they told her in these sessions was confidential and she wouldn't reveal to the other spouse what they told her without their permission.

It turned out that Jane came from an affluent liberal family where her parents were open to talking about sex.  Jane's mother talked to her about menstruation by the time Jane was eight years old.  She also gave Jane a book about sex when Jane was 12 years old and then discussed it with her afterwards.

John came from a struggling working class immigrant family with conservative values.  He said sex was a taboo subject in his family, and no one ever talked about it.  He said he grew up feeling confused about sex, and he knew he couldn't approach either of his parents to talk about it.  Eventually, he said, he learned what little he knew about sex at a young age from talking to his friends when he was about 13 years old.  

With regard to their individual sexual histories, prior to his first marriage, John had very limited sexual experience.  He said he didn't date at all when he was in high school because he was very shy.  He had his first experience with sexual intercourse after a night of drinking at a party when he was a sophomore in college.  He described it as "embarrassing" because he experienced premature sexual ejaculation, and the young woman he was with got angry with him. 

He also indicated that sex wasn't that important for him or his first wife during their five years of marriage. They divorced because they were constantly arguing about money.  From John's perspective, she was a spendthrift who had high credit card debt, and he was a saver with almost little debt.  As a result, they were never able to negotiate the financial part of their relationship.

Jane indicated that she was sexually active, in terms of kissing and touching sexually, from the time she was 15.  She had her first experience with sexual intercourse with her first boyfriend when she was 17.  They eventually drifted apart when they went to different colleges.  

She was sexually active with both men and women when she was in college, but she preferred men.  Eventually, she got married to a man she began dating in her senior year of college.  Initially, she was happy in her marriage and she felt they had a satisfying sex life.  However, in their third year of marriage, Jane discovered her husband was having an affair with a former girlfriend (see my article: Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

Even though she felt betrayed by her first husband, she forgave him and they tried to repair their marriage.  However, several months later, she discovered he was still having an affair with the same woman, and Jane filed for divorce.  

When the couples therapist met with John and Jane together, she told them she wanted to get a sense of how they typically interacted sexually as part of their couples therapy (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

When she asked them to describe the last time they had sex, neither of them could remember when the last time had been.  Jane thought it was about six months ago and John thought it might have been four months ago.

Jane said she was usually the one who initiated sex, although she had become more hesitant about it because she was tired of always being the initiator.  She also felt bored and frustrated that John wasn't open to trying new things, and she sensed that John was bored too--even though he never talked about it.

According to Jane, typically, they began by cuddling in bed while watching TV.  Then, if she felt sexually aroused, she reached over and massaged John's penis until he became erect. After they had intercourse, they both rolled over and went to sleep.

Early in their marriage, Jane said, they used to kiss and caress each other more before sexual intercourse, but during the last several years, they had intercourse without any foreplay or affection, and she missed those aspects of their sex life.  

Jane said that whenever they had sex John always had an orgasm. She said she used to have orgasms more regularly earlier in their marriage, but she rarely had an orgasm anymore.  Since John was so uncomfortable talking about sex, they didn't discuss that she experienced little pleasure during sex (see my article: Closing the Orgasm Gap - Part 1 and Part 2).

At that point, as John listened to Jane, he looked embarrassed.  He apologized to Jane for being so inconsiderate, and Jane responded by reaching out and taking John's hand.  They both agreed they were committed to coming to weekly couples therapy sessions to improve their relationship.

My Next Article:

In my next article, I'll continue describing the next phase of couples therapy for these fictional characters, John and Jane, to show how couples therapy can help improve a couples' sex life (see my article: Overcoming Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Getting Help in Therapy

Sexual boredom is a common problem in many long term relationships due to many individual, relational and sexual practice related issues.

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise with your problem.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex?

Performative sex is goal-oriented sex that follows a script with a predefined role.  When sex is performative, instead of it being natural and enjoyable, it becomes a show or a performance (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Sexual Wellness: Overcoming the Habit of Performative Sex

Sex often becomes performative when people are anxious, distracted or self conscious during sex.  When this happens, they're not attuned to themselves or their sex partner.  They're too worried about whether they're "doing it right" or if their body looks good, and how their partner sees them.  

Men often worry about their penis being too small and whether their penis will remain erect long enough to satisfy their partner.  

Women often worry about their body image--the size of their breasts and whether they're overweight.  Many women also worry about whether they'll have an orgasm and, if so, if they'll take so long that it will frustrate their partner (see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips on Sexual Self Discovery).

Unfortunately, so many people get their sex education from pornography where both performers always look sexy, ready and able to achieve simultaneous orgasms with no foreplay.  But this is a performance--it's not real life.  

Performative sex can become a habit--even between two people who are in a long term, committed relationship.  Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this habit, as described below.

Focus on the Here and Now

• Focus on the present moment--not on the past or the future.

• Focus on being attuned to yourself and to your partner physically and emotionally.

• Practice synchronizing your breath to your partner's breath as one way to stay connected.

Communicate With Your Partner

• Ask your partner what they like if you're not sure (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

• Tell your partner what you like. 

• Make sure you have consent from your partner.  Don't assume you have consent--even if you've done the same things sexually many times before.  If you're not sure, ask.

Don't Feel Rejected If Your Partner Doesn't Like What You Like

• Recognize that everyone is different when it comes to what they like sexually.

• Be aware that if your partner doesn't like what you like, your partner isn't rejecting you so don't take it personally.  You might be able to work out a compromise or, if not, find something else that you both enjoy.

Don't Feel Compelled to Do Anything You Don't Want to Do

• Don't feel you have to do anything sexually that you don't feel comfortable doing.  

• Don't override your own feelings.  This is often a problem for women, who are socialized to be people pleasers, so they override their feelings to just "get through it" or to "get it over with."

• Recognize that when you override your feelings to do something you don't want to do, you're damaging your self esteem.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many issues, including a history of abuse or trauma, can get in the way of having a satisfying sex life.

If you're struggling, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from leading a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.