Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems

Shame is at the root of most psychological problems (see my articles: What's the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame? and Healing Shame).  I will begin an exploration of how shame develops and how psychologically debilitating it is in this article, and I will discuss how psychotherapy can help in a future article.

Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems

So, when we're discussing deep-rooted shame, which is also called core shame, we're talking about toxic shame, the type of shame that erodes a sense of self and makes people feel that they are not "good enough," they are unlovable and undeserving of love (see my article:  Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

No one is born with shame.  Shame is rooted in childhood psychological trauma, which is also known as developmental trauma (see my article: How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself). 

The Connection Between Developmental Trauma and Shame

The Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Shame
Infant research has shown that toxic shame develops in childhood and it can affect infant brain development  (see the article: Early Shame Experiences and Brain Development by Allan N. Schore, Ph.D).

An example of this is when a baby reaches out to his mother and the mother's habitual response is to turn away or ignore the baby due to the mother's emotional problems, including postpartum depression, major depression or her own unresolved trauma (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Psychotherapy and Intergenerational Trauma).

When this happens often enough, the baby learns that it is shameful to have emotional needs and, after a while, he learns to suppress these needs and to stop reaching out.

This type of developmental trauma can occur at any time in childhood. When this dynamic occurs in infancy, the trauma is preverbal, so that baby can't express the shame he feels in words.  Initially, he might cry out for the mother and even scream.

But after a while, if the mother does not respond, the baby learns to stop seeking nurturance.  If there are no mitigating factors like a nurturing father or grandparent, that baby grows up to be an adult who suppresses his emotional needs out of deep-rooted shame.

This is adaptive in childhood because the emotional pain of seeking love and nurturance when it's not forthcoming is too emotionally devastating for a child.  So, this need is suppressed in order to avoid feeling devastated.  But while this suppression is adaptive to keep the child from being overwhelmed, it's not adaptive in adulthood.

As an adult, this individual often continues to feel that he is unlovable and that even wanting love is emotionally dangerous because he believes he cannot have it, and it is too shameful to even want it. So, unconsciously, this individual not only hides his emotional needs from others.  He also hides his emotional needs from himself.

He might tell himself that he is "strong" or emotionally "independent" and he doesn't need anyone (see my article: Emotional Strategies That No Longer Work: "I Don't Need Anybody" and Seeing Yourself as "Independent" vs Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Shame).

But this is a pseudo-independence.  It's a defense mechanism to hide the emotional pain of feeling unlovable as well as to hide the shame and ambivalence that is attached to wanting to be loved at the same time that he believes he doesn't deserve it (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past and An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

This often results in an avoidant attachment style or he gets into relationships that are retraumatizing with people who hurt him.

Recreating the early trauma is an unconscious process, so it is out of the individual's awareness.  Each time this occurs it will reinforce the existing trauma that he is unlovable and undeserving of love, which intensifies the shame.

Most skilled psychotherapists know that shame is at the root of many emotional problems.  The problem might be labeled as depression, anxiety or any one of a number of other diagnoses, but at the core lies shame.

It's understandable that many clients will resist the painful process of looking at their shame in therapy because by the time they come to therapy, they have spent many years suppressing it.  But if the shame is not worked through in therapy, it will remain an unresolved emotional block (see my article: Working on Emotional Blocks in Therapy).

So, in order to help a client to uncover the shame at the root of trauma, the therapist must first develop a trusting relationship with a client.  The client must have confidence in the therapist and know that the therapist has the client's interests at heart before the therapist asks the client to begin the painful process of working through the underlying shame (see my article: The Creation of the "Holding Environment" in Therapy).

In future articles, I will continue this discussion about shame.  I will also discuss how shame is worked through in experiential therapy (see my article: What's the Difference Between "Top Down" vs "Bottom Up" Therapy?).

To read the next part of this discussion, see my article: Overcoming Shame With Experiential Therapy.

Conclusion
Toxic shame develops at an early age and it's usually at the root of most psychological problems.  Most people, who have experienced early shame, have learned to protect themselves from feeling the emotional pain of shame using defense mechanisms, like denial, for instance.

Although an individual can protect himself from becoming aware of deep-rooted shame, the effect of that shame can be pervasive in all his relationships, especially in romantic relationships where an individual can feel the most emotionally vulnerable.

Whether the individual is aware of his or her shame or not, shame doesn't usually resolve itself.  So, in order to work through shame, s/he needs the help of an experienced psychotherapist who can assist the in uncovering and working through shame.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist.

Once you have established a trusting relationship, a skilled therapist can help you to identify and work through shame which keeps you from living fully.

Rather than suffering on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients to overcome shame.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy and What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

Looking happy on the outside, but feeling broken on the inside is a common experience for people who are depressed but who want to appear as if nothing is wrong (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

In many cases, it's not just a matter of putting on a facade for other people--people who smile on the outside but actually feel depressed are also often attempting to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong.  They use the happy outer expression as a defense mechanism to hide their depression from themselves as well as from others.

In other cases, people, who might be out of touch with their feelings, are unaware that they feel depressed.  But, at times, they might notice that there's a disconnect between how they appear to others and what they feel inside.

When they do sense their depression, they often brush it off, so the disconnect between how they appear and how they feel deep down is maintained.

The old saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover" applies to this problem.  The person who gives the impression of being the happiest might be the person who is really dying inside.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these issues:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside:

Toni
Toni was considered a "dynamo" by her friends and colleagues.  She had a dynamic presence among colleagues and friends.  She headed up new projects at work with gusto, mentored new colleagues with enthusiasm, and she often entertained friends at home.

She was always smiling, laughing and cheerful, offering valuable advice and encouragement.  No one would ever know that she felt broken inside.

When she was alone, Toni felt restless and irritable.  She didn't like to have free time because the sadness that was welling up inside her threatened to overtake her emotionally, so she always found things to do to keep herself busy and distracted (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

At 32, she was on track to get a promotion to a senior position at work, and she was taking on more and more responsibilities from her director.  As the work piled on and her personal schedule got busier, she was beginning to feel exhausted.

There were times at the end of the day that she just went home and collapsed in bed.  She felt physically and emotionally depleted, but she told no one, not even her close friends, that she felt burnt out (Managing Your Stress: What Are the Signs of Burnout?).

After several months at this pace, Toni found it harder and harder to keep up her facade of being happy all the time.

There were times when she couldn't contain her tears and she closed the door to her office to cry.  Then, she would wipe her eyes, open her door, and go back out trying to appear cheerful.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

But the exhaustion soon took it's toll, and Toni began getting headaches.

When she saw her doctor and he ruled out any serious medical problems, he told her that he suspected that she was under too much stress and she would soon burn out if she didn't make changes to her lifestyle.

Her doctor recommended that Toni use stress management techniques, like meditation, to reduce her stress.

Toni tried to follow her doctor's recommendations.  She got meditation recordings, including mindfulness meditation, and tried to listen to these recordings at least once a day, as her doctor recommended.  He also told her to come back to see him in a month.

But whenever she listened to the meditation recordings, she would break down crying, and she didn't know why.  So, she stopped listening to the meditation recordings, and when she went back to her doctor and told him about her reaction, he recommended that she see a psychotherapist.

Toni had never been in therapy before, and she told her doctor, "I'm not a weak person.  Why should I go to therapy?"

So, her doctor, who was informed about psychotherapy, told her that it was a myth that going to therapy meant that you're a "weak person" and he also went over the other common myths about psychotherapy (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action").

Toni thought about her doctor's advice.  She had friends who were in therapy and who told her that they were helped by therapy, so she decided to give it a try.

During her initial consultation with her psychotherapist, Toni told her about how she was crying and she didn't know why.  She told her therapist that everyone considered her to be a happy, cheerful, successful person, but sometimes she felt like a "phony" because when she was alone, if she wasn't keeping herself busy and distracted, she felt sad.

As Toni and her therapist talked about her childhood background in subsequent sessions, Toni told her that her parents always discouraged Toni from complaining.  Her mother would encourage her to smile, and her father would tell her, "Nobody likes a sad sack."

So, whenever anything bothered Toni, she would ignore it and try to overcome the problem as best as she could.  She never talked to her parents about her problems because she knew that they would lecture her about complaining (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She also described how, over time, she became a perfectionist.  She tried to do everything "perfectly" and "perfect" became her only option.  Her perfectionism was rewarded at school, in college and in her career (see my article: Perfect vs. "Good Enough").

As she continued to talk about her underlying sadness and her need to be "perfect," Toni became more attuned to her underlying feelings.  She realized that she really wasn't happy--she was depressed and she was trying to hide it from herself and others because she felt guilty about feeling depressed, "I have no reason to be depressed" (see my article: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).

Her therapist spoke to Toni about how shame is often the underlying issue underneath perfectionism, and Toni was able to identify with her feelings of shame that she was really less than "perfect" (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Her therapist also spoke to Toni about the "false self" vs the "true self" and how at an early age children can learn to put on a facade to appear to be happy when they're not (see my articles:  Understanding the False Self - Part 1, Understanding the False Self - Part 2, and Becoming Your True Self).

In addition, her therapist spoke to Toni about depression and helped Toni to differentiate between feeling sad and feeling depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Toni began to realize that, once she started pretending to be happy as a child, she became disconnected from her real feelings, and this continued into adulthood.

It was only after she felt the emotional and physical strain of taking on too much and trying to appear happy when she wasn't feeling happy that she started to break down crying.  She realized now that the cumulative effect was too much for her.

Toni felt relieved to have a time and place in therapy to be able to discover how she really felt.  She also appreciated that her therapist was objective and nonjudgmental.

As she continued to work through the childhood emotional neglect and the pressure to appear happy, she began to feel more genuinely herself (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values).

Rather than trying to be cheerful all the time with her friends, when her depressive symptoms were most acute, she spoke to her close friends about it, which was a relief.

The authenticity that Toni felt helped her to deal with the underlying issues that she had been avoiding all along.

Feeling authentic, rather than pretending to be happy, gave Toni an overall sense of well-being as she worked through her depression in therapy.

Conclusion
It's physically and emotionally exhausting to pretend to feel happy when you don't.

The strain of trying to appear happy on the outside when you feel broken on the inside usually catches up with you at some point.  The stress involved can cause medical problems.  And if you're already depressed, it can exacerbate your depression.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being able to let go of the need to appear happy all the time is letting go of a huge burden (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and The Courage to Change).

Not only does letting go of this burden help you to reduce your stress, you can also learn to feel authentic without the disconnect between your outer appearance and your inner world.

If the issues in this article resonate with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients get to the root of their need to appear happy when they were feeling deeply unhappy inside.  Free of this need to appear happy, they could go on to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stress Management: Taking Time Out For Self Care

When life gets hectic and stressful, it's easy to forget about the importance of self care. At those times, many people try to get through the stressful time by plowing through rather than taking care of themselves (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

Stress Management: Taking Time Out For Self Care

For other people, it's a matter of not feeling entitled to take care of themselves (see my article:  Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself).

Not feeling entitled to self care is often part of a larger problem that is usually longstanding.  This could involve a tendency to put others first, being unfamiliar with the concept of self care or a tendency to be a perfectionist to the point of exhaustion (see my article:The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Needless to say, a lack of self care often leads to burnout, whether it involves personal stressors or work-related stressors (see my article: Managing Your Stress: What Are the Telltale Signs of Burnout?).

Many people come to therapy when they get to the point where they feel they just can't cope any more.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how a lack of self care can lead to bigger problems, and how therapy can help:

Nina
Nina came to therapy after she developed stress-related health problems, including debilitating headaches, chest pains related to anxiety as well as insomnia.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

At her doctor's recommendation, she took off a month from work, which she had resisted doing for a long time.  But when her doctor warned her that her symptoms would get worse unless she took time off to relax and regroup, she knew she had to do it.

During that time, she stopped having headaches and panic attacks, but she began to feel depressed at home without her usual demanding work schedule.

When she consulted with her doctor again, she told her to get help in therapy, so she started therapy a week after she began her break from work.

Nina was a perfectionist since she was a child.  If she didn't do things perfectly at school and at home, she felt she was a failure.  There was no in between.   She was a straight A student, but she derived no joy or satisfaction from her accomplishments because she felt this was what was expected of her--she had to be perfect.

Both of her parents were perfectionists as well.  Before they retired,  both of them were rewarded in their fields for their perfectionism.  Her mother was a well-respected lawyer and her father was a top surgeon in his field.  So, Nina grew up in a household where there was a lot of pressure to be "the best."

Nina did very well in college and in graduate school.  She found it relatively easy to be at the top of her class.

Then, she came to NYC and entered into a highly competitive field that attracted the top people in her  field from all over the world.  Even though she came from a highly competitive family, she never experienced this type of competition.  She felt like she had to always be on her toes to stay on top.

She was rewarded with the respect of her superiors as well as monetarily for her long hours at work but, as previously mentioned, the pace was taking its toll on her health.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

When her therapist mentioned self care, Nina wasn't even sure what her therapist meant.  She wasn't even sure where to begin.

Her therapist taught Nina breathing exercises and how to meditate, and she recommended that Nina practice for a short time everyday to get into the habit of taking care of herself.

Initially, this felt so unfamiliar to Nina that she felt guilty taking the time to de-stress instead of working or "doing something productive."

When she felt her mind wandering, her sense of perfectionism got in her way because she was sure that she "wasn't doing it right," which almost felt unbearable to her.

It took a lot of practice and a lot of encouragement from her therapist for her to stay on track with her self care practices.

Once she was able to practice meditation and breathing with less difficulty, her therapist helped Nina to work on her perfectionism.

Nina learned that underneath the perfectionism there was core shame.

Working on her shame was more challenging because it was uncomfortable for her.  But her therapist helped Nina to see that this is a common problem and shame is often at the core of emotional problems for many people.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

When Nina went back to work, she got into the habit of taking time each morning to do her breathing exercises and meditation, even if she only did it for 10 minutes.

Nina also made a conscious decision that her health was more important to her than her next promotion and that if getting that promotion meant compromising her health, it wasn't worth it.  So, she reduced the hours that she put in at work.

Nina and her therapist continued to work on Nina's longstanding sense of shame that fueled her perfectionism.  Her therapist used a combination of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing.

Over time, Nina was able to work through her feelings of shame.

Eventually, she decided that her current profession no longer suited her and she began to train for a less stressful profession.

She continued to engage in the self care techniques that were helping her to cope, and she learned that she didn't have to be "perfect" at it.

Along the way, Nina developed a greater sense of self worth and an appreciation for life that she never felt before.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with stress, anxiety or depression, you're not alone.

Many stress-related health problems can develop if you learn how to take care of yourself on a physical and emotional level.

If you've never developed strategies for self care or you don't feel entitled to take care of yourself, you could benefit from working with a therapist who specializes in helping clients to overcome these problems (see my article:  The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than waiting until you are experiencing burnout or health problems, get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can begin to live a more satisfying life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame: A Clinical Example

In my last article, I began a discussion about the relationship between perfectionism and core shame by defining core shame and discussing how it often begins in early childhood.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

In this article, which is Part 2, I've provided a fictionalized scenario to show how core shame develops and how it can be overcome in psychotherapy.

Alan
Alan grew up an only child in a household with his parents.  They lived in his maternal grandmother's house.

His grandmother was a domineering woman.  Even though his parents were in their 30s when they had Alan, his grandmother treated his parents as if they were children.

She had her own apartment in her house, but she spent most of her time in their apartment overseeing their daily routine, criticizing his parents, and overruling almost all of his parents' decisions.

Alan's father, who was frustrated with the grandmother's behavior, would urge his wife to stand up to her mother.  But even though Alan's mother was furious with her mother's behavior, she was too intimidated by the mother to stand up to her.  So, the grandmother continued to rule the roost with an iron hand.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

Alan tried to stay out of his grandmother's way because he was afraid of how critical she was of him.  By the time he went to school, his grandmother was overseeing his schoolwork and criticizing almost everything that he did.

He really tried to be perfect in everything that he did to ward off his grandmother's criticism.  But, no matter how perfect he tried to be, she was still critical.

Alan developed into a shy, withdrawn child.  He got good grades, but he was afraid of raising his hand in class because he feared being wrong.

His teachers called his parents up to school several times over the years to talk to them about Alan's shyness and lack of self confidence.

Although his parents understood why Alan had developed these problems, they both felt powerless to stand up to the grandmother.

When Alan moved away to college and got away from his home, he began to open up more.  He excelled academically and became more social.  But he still carried a sense of core shame within him that he tried to hide from others, and he was still a perfectionist.

By the time he entered into his first serious relationship after college, Alan's core shame became evident to his girlfriend as she got to know him better.  She also worried about all the pressure that Alan put on himself to be perfect and suggested that he seek help with a mental health professional.

When Alan came for his session of therapy, he thought he was supposed to already know why he was having problems.  He felt deeply ashamed that he had not already figured out the source of his problems.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

When his therapist told him that he wasn't expected to know the source of his problems and, in fact, it was her job to help him discover the source of his problems, he was somewhat relieved.

After the therapist heard Alan's family history, she suggested that they use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help him to overcome his shame and the need to be perfect (see my articles:  What is EMDR? and How Does EMDR Work?).

By processing his early childhood traumatic experiences with EMDR, Alan could feel something shifting in him emotionally.

Rather than blame himself for not being perfect and feeling ashamed about this, he had a deep sense that it was his critical and domineering grandmother and his passive parents who had problems when Alan was growing up.

Alan gradually worked on his anger and fear for his grandmother as well as his anger towards his parents with EMDR.

After processing his early childhood memories, Alan's core shame and need to be perfect were alleviated.

Eventually, Alan felt compassion for his grandmother, who was raised by very critical and abusive parents.  He also felt compassionate for his parents, who were too afraid to stand up to the grandmother.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

By the time Alan completed treatment, for the first time in his life he felt free of the core shame and the need to be perfect which had weighed him down since early childhood.

Conclusion
As I mentioned in my prior article, the need to be perfect often comes from a deep sense of core shame that develops in early childhood.

Most people who experience the need to be perfect often don't make the connection between core shame and perfectionism until they come to therapy.

Experiential therapy, like EMDR, is most effective in helping clients to overcome core shame which is at the root of perfectionism (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Getting Help in Therapy
Core shame is often at the root of many presenting problems in therapy.

Since core shame is usually unconscious, it's hard to overcome on your own.

Working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has expertise in helping clients to overcome core shame, you can free yourself from the childhood experiences that are at the root of core shame.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

In two prior articles, Perfection vs. Good Enough and Overcoming Perfectionism, I address perfectionism and it's relationship to anxiety.  In this article, I will address the connection between perfectionism and core shame, which develops in early childhood.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

What is Core Shame?
Let's first start by defining core shame.

First, it's important to understand that core shame is different from an appropriate sense of shame, which is adaptive.  An adaptive sense of shame helps children as well as adults learn to behave in ways that are essential to emotional learning.

So, for instance, if a child hits a playmate in anger and he realizes that his action hurt his playmate, he will most likely feel an appropriate sense of shame and remorse about his behavior.  This is part of his emotional learning that his behavior has consequences and the shame is a signal to him that this is not the way to behave.

The shame that he feels is about his behavior and it will help him to learn how to interact with others when he feels angry.  If there are adults to help him, they will teach him that he can do other things that are healthier for himself and other ways to express his anger.

Core shame is a pervasive sense of worthlessness.  There is also usually a fear that others will see that you're worthless and a "fraud" (see my article:  Overcoming Impostor Syndrome).

As opposed to healthy shame, which is about behavior, core shame is feeling ashamed of who you are as a person.

Core shame often results in a strong need to be "perfect," which, of course, is impossible because we're all imperfect as human beings (see my article: Healing Shame in Psychotherapy).

People who feel core shame often feel like they're unlovable and they will be abandoned by others (see my articles: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable and Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

Feeling unlovable and having a fear of abandonment often result in self perpetuating life events.  So, for instance, people who feel unlovable and who fear abandonment, often shy away from relationships or behave in ways that alienate others.  Often, if they do chose to be in a relationship, they will unconsciously choose romantic partners who are unreliable and who will abandon them.

How Does Core Shame Develop and How Is It Connected to Perfectionism?
As I mentioned earlier, core shame develops at a very early age.

When attachment and bonding go well, babies develop a sense of secure attachment.  But when mothers are unable to provide a secure sense of attachment, usually because they didn't internalize a secure attachment with their mothers, infants will eventually develop insecure attachment which will have repercussions for them as young children and as adults.

The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame

One of the repercussions of insecure attachment is core shame.

Since young children are naturally egocentric, they believe that if their mother is neglectful or abusive towards them, it must be their own fault.  They don't understand that their mother's misattunement is due to the mother's problems.  They're too young to understand that their basic emotional needs aren't being met.  Instead, they believe that, as children, they're unlovable and worthless.

These feelings of being unlovable and worthless develop into an unconscious need to be "perfect."  If this unconscious belief could speak, it would say something like, "I know that I'm unlovable and worthless, but maybe if I'm perfect, people will love me.  So, I must do everything that I can do to be perfect."

This is a very simple explanation to how core shame develops.  A more comprehensive explanation would include the how attachment develops and the various forms of insecure attachment (see my article:  The Impact of the Early Attachment Bond).

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss the relationship between core shame and perfectionism and how these problems can be overcome in psychotherapy:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame: A Clinical Example.

Getting Help in Therapy
Core shame and perfectionism are common problems that many people struggle with throughout their lives.

If you're struggling with these issues, you can overcome them in therapy with an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in these areas.

Rather than struggling on your own, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional so that lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome core shame.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.