Understanding How Parental Conditional Love is Connected to Perfectionism and Shame

If you struggle with perfectionism, you might not understand why.  This article is about growing up with parents who give conditional love, and the connection between conditional love, perfection, and shame.

What Causes Perfectionism and Shame?

The feeling that you need to be perfect and the shame that comes with that are often linked to conditional love based on your accomplishments or being gratifying to your parents (see my article: The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Conditional Love, Perfection, Shame

Since there is no such thing as a perfect human being, these individuals grow up feeling ashamed whenever they're not perfect.

The roots of perfectionism and shame often include some of the following factors:

• The parents' excessive demands for high achievements with conditional love based on those achievements

• The parents' criticism as well as shame-inducing and controlling behavior when the child doesn't live up to the parents' perfectionistic standards

• The parents' All or nothing thinking 

• The child's feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, shame and guilt for falling short of the parents' expectations

• The parents' excessive praise for achievements which they believe reflect well on them (conversely, if the child doesn't meet the parents' expectations, the parents feel this reflects poorly on them, which is why they often become angry and withhold love from the child).

This dynamic sets up an ongoing negative cycle of:

• Parents making demands of the child for perfection
• The child trying to be perfect for the parents but usually falling short (no one can be perfect)
• Parents withholding their love because the child hasn't met their demands
• The child feeling unlovable and ashamed
• Then cycle begins again

During those times when the child meets the parents' expectations (e.g, the child gets all A's on their report card), the parents are excessive in their praise, which sets up the child, who wants to be loved, to try to meet those standards every time to get the praise.

The demand for perfection can occur in many areas of a child's life:

• Perfect grades in school
• Perfect performance in sports
• Perfect eating habits
• Looking perfect, as defined by the parents' standards
• Getting the highest grades in the class
• Being chosen as the valedictorian
• And so on

Perfectionism and Shame in Adult Romantic Relationships

Children who grow up with parents who demand perfection as a condition for love will usually go above and beyond to try to meet their parents' expectations.  

Later on, as adults, they often choose emotionally unavailable partners who reinforce that they're only lovable or, more often unlovable. This is because these partners provide conditional love--like the parents did.  Usually the conditional love includes gratifying the partner's narcissistic needs.

More often than not, people who are perfectionists have internalized their parents' conditional love at such a deep level that they might not see the emotional abuse they endured with their parents or, as adults, with their romantic partners.

You might wonder why someone who was raised under these circumstances would choose a partner who was so like their parents. The answer is that these choices are made on an unconscious level as these individuals gravitate to partners who are familiar to them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the long term consequences of growing up in a home where parents demanded perfection.  This vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed. It is typical of many clinical cases where a person grew up with conditional love based on his achievements.

Ron

When Ron was a child, he often heard his father say things like, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all," which made Ron anxious when he tried to do something new.  If Ron didn't understand it immediately, his father became impatient with Ron and yell.  

During those times, Ron's mother would withdraw because she was intimidated by the father. So, she wasn't able to defend Ron or provide him with emotional support.

Ron's father was the Little League coach for Ron's team.  Whenever Ron was at bat, he would be so nervous because he knew his father would yell at him in front of the other children if he missed the ball.  

After several incidents where Ron felt humiliated in front of his friends, he quit the team.  Then his father criticized him for being "a quitter," but Ron preferred that to having to deal his father's anger and disappointment every time he was at bat.

By the time Ron was in his mid-teens, his friends began dating girls. Ron felt too self conscious and ashamed to talk to any of the girls at school.  He acted like he didn't care about dating.  He pretended to be so busy with schoolwork that he didn't have time for girls. But, inwardly, he felt ashamed and annoyed with himself for not being able to talk to the girl he liked.

The following year there was another girl he had a crush on.  She liked him too. She was assertive so she asked him out and they became boyfriend and girlfriend until they each left for different colleges.  

By the time Ron sought help in therapy, he was in his early 30s and he had been in two serious relationships.  He was a little more confident than when he was a teenager, but most of the time the women he liked were the ones who pursued him.

Ron knew his perfectionism and shame were holding him back and it was surfacing in all areas of his life--his relationships, his work and in his friendships.

Whenever he was given a new task to do at work, he would get anxious because he was afraid of making a mistake. He could almost hear his father's voice scolding him for not doing the task perfectly (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Mistake).

His therapist recommended that they do Ego State Therapy, which is a type of Parts Work similar to Internal Family Systems (IFS).  Ego States Therapy was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s, '80s and '90s.  

She asked Ron to remember a recent time when he felt he had to do something perfectly and where this was accompanied by shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Ron remembered something that came up at work when he was attempting to solve a technical problem for the first time.  He remembered feeling that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and a heaviness in his chest as if his father was watching him and being critical.

When Ron was immersed in the memory along with the emotions and related bodily sensations, his therapist asked him to go back in time to the earliest time when he felt this way (this technique is called the Affect Bridge).

Experiential Trauma Therapy 

Ron's earliest memory of feeling this way was when he was four years old. His father was teaching him to play a board game for the first time and Ron wasn't understanding it.  He had the same emotions, sinking feeling and sense of heaviness.

Then, his therapist asked Ron to imagine someone who could have been there for him and who would have been an ally.  She added that it was clear there had been no one there for him at the time, but she wanted him to use his imagination.

After thinking for a bit, Ron said he would have wanted his first grade teacher, Ms. Simms to be there. This technique of imagining a nurturing figure who would have been helpful is called an imaginal interweave (for an explanation of imaginal interweaves and other forms of internal resources see this article I wrote).

His therapist asked what Ms. Simms would have done if she had been there and saw his father criticizing him and making Ron feel ashamed.  Ron said she would told his father in a polite, tactful way that this was not the way to talk to a child.  He also said he knew his father had a lot of respect for Ms. Simms so he would have listened to her.

Experiential Trauma Therapy

Ron and his therapist continued to work this way and, over time, Ron was able to work through his shame and his need to be perfect.  

Along the way, he also realized his paternal grandfather behaved in the same way with his father, so it was no surprise that Ron's father internalized this way of being and perpetuated it with Ron (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

Gradually, Ron overcame his traumatic experiences with experiential trauma therapy.

Conclusion

The vignette above is an abbreviated summary of one way an experiential trauma therapist would work with trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

The effect of perfectionism and shame show up in many different ways.  The vignette above is just one way.  

As mentioned before, many people, who grow up under these circumstances, often pick romantic partners who are similar to their parents, who demanded perfection.  These partners usually have narcissistic qualities that they have no insight into.

A person, who grew up being shamed for not being perfect, has a blind spot with regard to picking narcissistic partners.  

These narcissistic partners usually withhold their love if the individual isn't gratifying enough or doesn't make them look good in some way.  And, typical of people with narcissistic traits, they lack empathy for the partner they are shaming. This is because they don't relate to their partner as if the partner was a separate individual--as opposed to an extension of themself.

The Affect Bridge allows clients to connect emotional experiences they are having in the here-and-now with their origins from the past.  

The imaginal interweave, like was the first grade teacher, Ms. Simms in the vignette, gives clients a new healing experience that gets internalized (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Imaginal interweaves are used throughout the course of experiential trauma therapy to counteract the effects of growing up with messages about perfection and shame. 

When to Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel held back in your life by unresolved traumatic experiences, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist who does trauma work (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you're free from your traumatic history, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an experiential trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples. I have helped clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Stress Management: Taking Time Out For Self Care

When life gets hectic and stressful, it's easy to forget about the importance of self care. At those times, many people try to get through the stressful time by plowing through rather than taking care of themselves (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

Stress Management: Taking Time Out For Self Care

For other people, it's a matter of not feeling entitled to take care of themselves (see my article:  Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself).

Not feeling entitled to self care is often part of a larger problem that is usually longstanding.  This could involve a tendency to put others first, being unfamiliar with the concept of self care or a tendency to be a perfectionist to the point of exhaustion (see my article:The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Needless to say, a lack of self care often leads to burnout, whether it involves personal stressors or work-related stressors (see my article: Managing Your Stress: What Are the Telltale Signs of Burnout?).

Many people come to therapy when they get to the point where they feel they just can't cope any more.

The following fictional vignette illustrates how a lack of self care can lead to bigger problems, and how therapy can help:

Nina
Nina came to therapy after she developed stress-related health problems, including debilitating headaches, chest pains related to anxiety as well as insomnia.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

At her doctor's recommendation, she took off a month from work, which she had resisted doing for a long time.  But when her doctor warned her that her symptoms would get worse unless she took time off to relax and regroup, she knew she had to do it.

During that time, she stopped having headaches and panic attacks, but she began to feel depressed at home without her usual demanding work schedule.

When she consulted with her doctor again, she told her to get help in therapy, so she started therapy a week after she began her break from work.

Nina was a perfectionist since she was a child.  If she didn't do things perfectly at school and at home, she felt she was a failure.  There was no in between.   She was a straight A student, but she derived no joy or satisfaction from her accomplishments because she felt this was what was expected of her--she had to be perfect.

Both of her parents were perfectionists as well.  Before they retired,  both of them were rewarded in their fields for their perfectionism.  Her mother was a well-respected lawyer and her father was a top surgeon in his field.  So, Nina grew up in a household where there was a lot of pressure to be "the best."

Nina did very well in college and in graduate school.  She found it relatively easy to be at the top of her class.

Then, she came to NYC and entered into a highly competitive field that attracted the top people in her  field from all over the world.  Even though she came from a highly competitive family, she never experienced this type of competition.  She felt like she had to always be on her toes to stay on top.

She was rewarded with the respect of her superiors as well as monetarily for her long hours at work but, as previously mentioned, the pace was taking its toll on her health.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

When her therapist mentioned self care, Nina wasn't even sure what her therapist meant.  She wasn't even sure where to begin.

Her therapist taught Nina breathing exercises and how to meditate, and she recommended that Nina practice for a short time everyday to get into the habit of taking care of herself.

Initially, this felt so unfamiliar to Nina that she felt guilty taking the time to de-stress instead of working or "doing something productive."

When she felt her mind wandering, her sense of perfectionism got in her way because she was sure that she "wasn't doing it right," which almost felt unbearable to her.

It took a lot of practice and a lot of encouragement from her therapist for her to stay on track with her self care practices.

Once she was able to practice meditation and breathing with less difficulty, her therapist helped Nina to work on her perfectionism.

Nina learned that underneath the perfectionism there was core shame.

Working on her shame was more challenging because it was uncomfortable for her.  But her therapist helped Nina to see that this is a common problem and shame is often at the core of emotional problems for many people.

Self Care: Taking Time Out to Take Care of Yourself

When Nina went back to work, she got into the habit of taking time each morning to do her breathing exercises and meditation, even if she only did it for 10 minutes.

Nina also made a conscious decision that her health was more important to her than her next promotion and that if getting that promotion meant compromising her health, it wasn't worth it.  So, she reduced the hours that she put in at work.

Nina and her therapist continued to work on Nina's longstanding sense of shame that fueled her perfectionism.  Her therapist used a combination of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Somatic Experiencing.

Over time, Nina was able to work through her feelings of shame.

Eventually, she decided that her current profession no longer suited her and she began to train for a less stressful profession.

She continued to engage in the self care techniques that were helping her to cope, and she learned that she didn't have to be "perfect" at it.

Along the way, Nina developed a greater sense of self worth and an appreciation for life that she never felt before.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're struggling with stress, anxiety or depression, you're not alone.

Many stress-related health problems can develop if you learn how to take care of yourself on a physical and emotional level.

If you've never developed strategies for self care or you don't feel entitled to take care of yourself, you could benefit from working with a therapist who specializes in helping clients to overcome these problems (see my article:  The Benefits of Therapy).

Rather than waiting until you are experiencing burnout or health problems, get help from a licensed mental health professional so you can begin to live a more satisfying life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

In my article yesterday, Happy Families: A Strong Family Narrative Can Build Resilience, I wrote about family narratives, based on an article by Bruce Feiler, and how these narratives can help build resilience and cohesiveness.  Today, I'm addressing the misperception that a "happy family" is problem free.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

There's No Such Thing as a "Perfect Family"
Most people would agree that there's no such thing as a "perfect family" that is without its ups and downs and moments of crises.  But, as I mentioned yesterday, the idea that most families are dysfunctional is so prevalent in our culture that many people think that in order for a family to be considered happy and stable, there shouldn't be any problems.

A Happy Family Doesn't Have to Be a Perfect Family

That's like saying that in order for people to see themselves as having a happy life, they shouldn't have any sadness or any difficult times.  Once again, when we look at it this way, we can see the fallacy in this reasoning because we know it's impossible to live a long, full life without there being hard times.

Happy Families Often Share a Sense of Meaningfulness 
Part of the problem is with the word happiness.  What does it mean to be happy?  I believe, and I think many people might agree, that having a happy life doesn't mean being happy all of the time.   For me, in a nutshell, it means having a life that is meaningful, which includes having people that you care about and who care about you.


Similarly, there will be sadness, loss and crises in most families sooner or later.  There will also be struggles.   This is true for every family.  What matters is how a family responds to these losses, crises and struggles and how well they bounce back from these events.  An attitude of "we're in this together and together we'll get through it" helps families to weather the inevitable difficult times.

A Sense of Family History:  Standing on the Shoulders of Previous Generations
It's also helpful when a family has a sense of history that the current family members and previous generations have overcome difficult times together and have been resilient enough to bounce back.

It's like saying, "We stand on the shoulders of previous generations who made it through difficult times and  remained united."

In most families that consider themselves to be happy families, there are often shared values and traditions.  Of course, there isn't an absolute.  There are happy families where family members respect each other's right to have differing opinions.

I believe the most important aspect of a happy family is a loving, nurturing environment.  Once again, this doesn't mean perfection.  There can be times of discord and conflict.  But, usually, in families that consider themselves to be happy, even when there's conflict, there's a foundation of love and trust.

If there are periods of discord in the family, a happy family is more likely to allow for there to be a way to make amends rather than holding grudges.

When I see clients who describe themselves as coming from happy families, they often have a sense that whatever they're going through, ultimately, they will be all right.  They have a sense that, somehow, they'll get through their problems, even if they currently need the help of a therapist and supportive family and friends.  They usually have much more of a sense of hope about life than people who don't come from happy, stable families.

Having grown up in a family where there was a foundation of love and trust, often gives these individuals a sense that they are rooted in something much larger than themselves.

It's often a matter of perspective.  I once met a man at a dinner party who told me he came from a happy family and he considered himself to have had a great childhood.

Then, he proceeded to describe a childhood filled with many personal and family struggles.  It was very far from a carefree, easy childhood.  But he told me that he knew he was loved by his parents, siblings, and grandparents.  He also knew he came from a long line of survivors and strivers.

So, as far as he was concerned, he came from a happy family with meaningful family relationships, and he considered himself to be fortunate.

So, my point in yesterday's and today's blog posts is that, far from all families being dysfunctional, as I often hear people say, there are happy families, and we can learn a lot from these families about what makes for a happy, meaningful family life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.