Understanding How Parental Conditional Love is Connected to Perfectionism and Shame

If you struggle with perfectionism, you might not understand why.  This article is about growing up with parents who give conditional love, and the connection between conditional love, perfection, and shame.

What Causes Perfectionism and Shame?

The feeling that you need to be perfect and the shame that comes with that are often linked to conditional love based on your accomplishments or being gratifying to your parents (see my article: The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Conditional Love, Perfection, Shame

Since there is no such thing as a perfect human being, these individuals grow up feeling ashamed whenever they're not perfect.

The roots of perfectionism and shame often include some of the following factors:

• The parents' excessive demands for high achievements with conditional love based on those achievements

• The parents' criticism as well as shame-inducing and controlling behavior when the child doesn't live up to the parents' perfectionistic standards

• The parents' All or nothing thinking 

• The child's feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, shame and guilt for falling short of the parents' expectations

• The parents' excessive praise for achievements which they believe reflect well on them (conversely, if the child doesn't meet the parents' expectations, the parents feel this reflects poorly on them, which is why they often become angry and withhold love from the child).

This dynamic sets up an ongoing negative cycle of:

• Parents making demands of the child for perfection
• The child trying to be perfect for the parents but usually falling short (no one can be perfect)
• Parents withholding their love because the child hasn't met their demands
• The child feeling unlovable and ashamed
• Then cycle begins again

During those times when the child meets the parents' expectations (e.g, the child gets all A's on their report card), the parents are excessive in their praise, which sets up the child, who wants to be loved, to try to meet those standards every time to get the praise.

The demand for perfection can occur in many areas of a child's life:

• Perfect grades in school
• Perfect performance in sports
• Perfect eating habits
• Looking perfect, as defined by the parents' standards
• Getting the highest grades in the class
• Being chosen as the valedictorian
• And so on

Perfectionism and Shame in Adult Romantic Relationships

Children who grow up with parents who demand perfection as a condition for love will usually go above and beyond to try to meet their parents' expectations.  

Later on, as adults, they often choose emotionally unavailable partners who reinforce that they're only lovable or, more often unlovable. This is because these partners provide conditional love--like the parents did.  Usually the conditional love includes gratifying the partner's narcissistic needs.

More often than not, people who are perfectionists have internalized their parents' conditional love at such a deep level that they might not see the emotional abuse they endured with their parents or, as adults, with their romantic partners.

You might wonder why someone who was raised under these circumstances would choose a partner who was so like their parents. The answer is that these choices are made on an unconscious level as these individuals gravitate to partners who are familiar to them.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the long term consequences of growing up in a home where parents demanded perfection.  This vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information removed. It is typical of many clinical cases where a person grew up with conditional love based on his achievements.

Ron

When Ron was a child, he often heard his father say things like, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all," which made Ron anxious when he tried to do something new.  If Ron didn't understand it immediately, his father became impatient with Ron and yell.  

During those times, Ron's mother would withdraw because she was intimidated by the father. So, she wasn't able to defend Ron or provide him with emotional support.

Ron's father was the Little League coach for Ron's team.  Whenever Ron was at bat, he would be so nervous because he knew his father would yell at him in front of the other children if he missed the ball.  

After several incidents where Ron felt humiliated in front of his friends, he quit the team.  Then his father criticized him for being "a quitter," but Ron preferred that to having to deal his father's anger and disappointment every time he was at bat.

By the time Ron was in his mid-teens, his friends began dating girls. Ron felt too self conscious and ashamed to talk to any of the girls at school.  He acted like he didn't care about dating.  He pretended to be so busy with schoolwork that he didn't have time for girls. But, inwardly, he felt ashamed and annoyed with himself for not being able to talk to the girl he liked.

The following year there was another girl he had a crush on.  She liked him too. She was assertive so she asked him out and they became boyfriend and girlfriend until they each left for different colleges.  

By the time Ron sought help in therapy, he was in his early 30s and he had been in two serious relationships.  He was a little more confident than when he was a teenager, but most of the time the women he liked were the ones who pursued him.

Ron knew his perfectionism and shame were holding him back and it was surfacing in all areas of his life--his relationships, his work and in his friendships.

Whenever he was given a new task to do at work, he would get anxious because he was afraid of making a mistake. He could almost hear his father's voice scolding him for not doing the task perfectly (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making a Mistake).

His therapist recommended that they do Ego State Therapy, which is a type of Parts Work similar to Internal Family Systems (IFS).  Ego States Therapy was developed by John and Helen Watkins in the 1970s, '80s and '90s.  

She asked Ron to remember a recent time when he felt he had to do something perfectly and where this was accompanied by shame (see my article: Shame is at the Root of Most Emotional Problems).

Ron remembered something that came up at work when he was attempting to solve a technical problem for the first time.  He remembered feeling that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and a heaviness in his chest as if his father was watching him and being critical.

When Ron was immersed in the memory along with the emotions and related bodily sensations, his therapist asked him to go back in time to the earliest time when he felt this way (this technique is called the Affect Bridge).

Experiential Trauma Therapy 

Ron's earliest memory of feeling this way was when he was four years old. His father was teaching him to play a board game for the first time and Ron wasn't understanding it.  He had the same emotions, sinking feeling and sense of heaviness.

Then, his therapist asked Ron to imagine someone who could have been there for him and who would have been an ally.  She added that it was clear there had been no one there for him at the time, but she wanted him to use his imagination.

After thinking for a bit, Ron said he would have wanted his first grade teacher, Ms. Simms to be there. This technique of imagining a nurturing figure who would have been helpful is called an imaginal interweave (for an explanation of imaginal interweaves and other forms of internal resources see this article I wrote).

His therapist asked what Ms. Simms would have done if she had been there and saw his father criticizing him and making Ron feel ashamed.  Ron said she would told his father in a polite, tactful way that this was not the way to talk to a child.  He also said he knew his father had a lot of respect for Ms. Simms so he would have listened to her.

Experiential Trauma Therapy

Ron and his therapist continued to work this way and, over time, Ron was able to work through his shame and his need to be perfect.  

Along the way, he also realized his paternal grandfather behaved in the same way with his father, so it was no surprise that Ron's father internalized this way of being and perpetuated it with Ron (see my article: Intergenerational Trauma).

Gradually, Ron overcame his traumatic experiences with experiential trauma therapy.

Conclusion

The vignette above is an abbreviated summary of one way an experiential trauma therapist would work with trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

The effect of perfectionism and shame show up in many different ways.  The vignette above is just one way.  

As mentioned before, many people, who grow up under these circumstances, often pick romantic partners who are similar to their parents, who demanded perfection.  These partners usually have narcissistic qualities that they have no insight into.

A person, who grew up being shamed for not being perfect, has a blind spot with regard to picking narcissistic partners.  

These narcissistic partners usually withhold their love if the individual isn't gratifying enough or doesn't make them look good in some way.  And, typical of people with narcissistic traits, they lack empathy for the partner they are shaming. This is because they don't relate to their partner as if the partner was a separate individual--as opposed to an extension of themself.

The Affect Bridge allows clients to connect emotional experiences they are having in the here-and-now with their origins from the past.  

The imaginal interweave, like was the first grade teacher, Ms. Simms in the vignette, gives clients a new healing experience that gets internalized (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Imaginal interweaves are used throughout the course of experiential trauma therapy to counteract the effects of growing up with messages about perfection and shame. 

When to Get Help in Trauma Therapy

If you feel held back in your life by unresolved traumatic experiences, you could benefit from working with an experiential therapist who does trauma work (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Once you're free from your traumatic history, you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an experiential trauma therapist who works with individual adults and couples. I have helped clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 2

In my prior article, Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope - Part 1, I began a discussion about using positive imagination and how it can be helpful during the COVID-19 crisis.  In today's article, I'm providing a clinical example to illustrate the benefits of positive imagination (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Imagine: Using Positive Imagination to Cope

Using Positive Imagination, including Imaginal Interweaves, as a Internal Resource
As I mentioned in my earlier article, Attached Focused EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy developed by Laurel Parnell, Ph.D., uses a form of positive imagination called "imaginal interweaves" when clients are blocked in terms of processing the trauma.

Imaginal interweaves function as an internal resource or coping technique (What Are Imaginal Interweaves?)

Although the example I'm giving is about psychological trauma, imaginal interweaves can be used whenever you need a way to calm yourself and help yourself to cope.

The Therapeutic Benefits of Imaginal Interweaves: A Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the use of imaginal interweaves as a form of positive imagination:

Sandy
During 2003, when Sandy was living and working in Toronto, she and other people in her neighborhood, were forced to self quarantine during an outbreak of severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). Sandy had no symptoms of SARS, but she was obligated to follow government regulations to quarantine.

Not only was Sandy fearful of SARS, but since she lived alone and she wasn't allowed to see other people in person, she felt very isolated and lonely during that time.  Her only contact with family and friends in New York City was by phone, so her history of depression and generalized anxiety were exacerbated by the quarantine.

After she assessed to be healthy and she was able to return to New York City, Sandy believed that she would feel better.  But, even though she was able to be with family and friends, she couldn't understand why her depression and anxiety-related symptoms continued.  So, after a few months of struggling on her own, Sandy sought help from a psychotherapist in Manhattan.

During their initial consultation, her therapist explained how Sandy's social isolation and loneliness while she was in quarantine, as well as earlier traumatic experiences as a child, exacerbated Sandy's depression and anxiety (see my article: Coping With Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use  EMDR therapy to deal with the trauma related to the quarantine as well as the earlier unresolved trauma (see my article: EMDR Therapy When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

She explained to Sandy that, as part of the preparation work to do EMDR therapy, she would help Sandy to develop internal resources and coping strategies that she would use either in session or between sessions.

During the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, Sandy's therapist talked to her about imaginal interweaves and how they could be helpful if Sandy got blocked in the EMDR processing and they needed to find a way to undo the block (i.e., being "blocked" means the client's emotion or thought creates an obstacle to continuing to do the work).

She explained to Sandy how powerful the imagination can be and that using imaginal interweaves engages the mind and the body so that Sandy experiences what she is imagining as if it were actually occurring.  She explained that, of course, Sandy would know that she was still using her imagination, but she would get the beneficial effects of the interweaves (see my article: Mind-Body Oriented Psychotherapy: Healing With New Symbolic Memories).

As part of the imaginal interweaves, Sandy's therapist asked her to choose three people who are either real or imaginary ("real" means someone that Sandy knew from any time in her life and "imaginary" means someone from a TV program, book, movie, and so on) for the qualities of:

• Nurturing
• Powerful
• Wise

The therapist acknowledged that these categories are intentionally vague and explained that Sandy should interpret nurturing, powerful and wise as whatever it meant to her.  So, for nurturing, Sandy chose her current best friend. For wise, she chose her godmother, who always gave Sandy good advice.  And, for powerful, Sandy couldn't think of anyone in her real life, so she chose a superhero, Wonder Woman.

After they completed the preparation phase of EMDR therapy, which also included learning a Relaxing Place meditation, they began processing Sandy's experience of being quarantined and how it was affecting her now.

As part of the work, they also did a process which is called a "Float Back" in EMDR and which is the same as an "Affect Bridge" in clinical hypnosis where the client goes back to the earliest time when she had the same emotions as in the current memory.

The Float Back is an important part of EMDR therapy because it gets to the earliest memory when the client had the same emotional experience (even if what happened in that memory was different).  The important part is that the client has a similar emotional experience.

So, for instance, if, as an adult, the client has an experience of feeling helpless and overwhelmed, the Float Back goes to the earliest experience of feeling the same way--even if the people and circumstances in the earlier memory were different.

Getting to these earlier memories enables the client and the therapist to see what earlier memories are being triggered by the present experience so that they don't continue to be triggered in other similar circumstances in the future.

At one point in the processing of the trauma using EMDR, Sandy became blocked and couldn't go any further in the trauma work.

Even though, logically, she knew she deserved to feel better, on an emotional level, a big part of her felt that she didn't deserve to feel better.

Sandy was surprised that she could experience such a contradiction between what she experienced logically and what she felt emotionally.

She also said that if someone else had told her this, she would be much more compassionate with that person than she was with herself.

This negative emotional response was so powerful that regular EMDR processing was blocked, so her therapist asked Sandy to imagine what her nurturing person, her best friend, would have said and done if she knew that Sandy felt this way.

In response, Sandy imagined her best friend being with her, and her therapist heightened that experience by having Sandy slow down so she could have a felt sense of her best friend's nurturing quality.

Sandy was able to take in what she imagined her best friend would say and do--that she cared about Sandy and she deserved to feel better.  She was able to feel her friend's compassion on a visceral level and, as a result, she felt much more self compassion).

The felt sense of her friend being compassionate and developing her own self compassion undid the block, and Sandy and her therapist were able to continue with EMDR processing.

Gradually, over time, Sandy and her therapist processed the present, past and anticipatory anxiety about the future.

Conclusion
The fictional vignette provided above focuses on how trauma therapy, specifically EMDR therapy, using imaginal interweaves, which is a form of positive imagination.

Using your imagination is a powerful tool--whether it's used during trauma therapy, like EMDR therapy, or you use it as your own individual coping strategy.

So, even if you're not in therapy, you can use imaginal interweaves on your own to cope with current problems.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone.

Rather than suffering on your own, you can seek help from a licensed psychotherapist.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet With Your Therapist in Person).

By being proactive now, you can work through your problems and go on to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Using Your Imagination: How Imaginal Interweaves Help to Overcome Trauma - Part 1

I realize that during times of crisis, like the current pandemic or the 9/11 World Trade Center attack, there are certain songs that repeat in my mind (see my article: Remembering Your Strengths as a Way to Cope in a Crisis).

Trauma and the Imagination

One of those songs is "Imagine" by former Beatle, John Lennon, which was released in 1971 during the Vietnam war as part of the peace movement (see lyrics).

Almost 50 years later, "Imagine" continues to be an inspiring symbol of the pursuit of peace and a symbol of hope.

Whenever I have a song that repeats in my mind, I get curious about why I'm thinking about this particular song and what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me (see my article: Undoing Aloneness: The Client's and Therapist's Parallel Experience During a Crisis).

So, as I thought and I realized that during times of uncertainty imagination plays such a powerful role in both a positive and negative way, and "Imagine" is call for us to use our imagination to create a better world in terms of how we think and behave (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool).

Uncertainty and Negative Imagination

The current discussions about "the new normal" are reminiscent of 9/11 and the loss of innocence, among other things, that we experienced after our country was attacked.

There's something jarring about the words "the new normal" at this point in time when people are still grappling with their fear, anxiety, grief for the losses, and social deprivation (see my article: Grieving Losses and Healing During a Crisis).

Coping with uncertainty often leads to negative imagination where people can only imagine the worst case scenario. And, when we understand that the brain is hardwired to anticipate danger in order to stay alive, it's easy to see why negative imagination can be so important as well as overwhelming.

So, let's not underestimate the value of being vigilant and negative imagination in anticipating danger.  If early cavemen and cavewomen weren't vigilant about danger, they might just as easily walk into the cave with the bear, instead of their home cave, with disastrous results.

So, anticipating danger is important and so is accepting your negative emotions.  But when negative imagination goes into overdrive, people often lose their perspective and the ability to anticipate anything that is good and positive.

Balancing Overwhelming Negativity By Using Positive Imagination to Cope: Imaginal Interweaves

Your creative imagination is powerful--regardless of whether you dwell on positive or negative scenarios (see my article: Empowering Yourself During the COVID-19 Crisis).

Let me be clear that I'm not advocating being positive all the time and ignoring what's negative.  That would be impractical, at best, and dangerous at worst.  Be prepared, cautious and follow the health experts recommendations are necessary for staying healthy (see my article: All Emotions Are Welcome Here).

Rather than being impractical or Pollyannish, I'm encouraging you to use positive imagination as a coping strategy to counteract many of the negative scenarios that might be going through your mind.

In Dr. Laurel Parnell's Attachment Focused model of EMDR therapy, which is a trauma therapy, she uses "imaginal interweaves" as a way of helping clients to develop the necessary internal resources to cope with working on the trauma (see my article: Empowering Clients in Therapy).

Using imaginal interweaves is a way of "interweaving" positive, powerful, nurturing, and wise figures into the therapeutic work.

An imaginal interweave can be imagining people you know in real life or characters from a movie, book, TV program (or iconic figures that you might know about but don't know personally) to imagine drawing upon the qualities that they have.

In Laurel Parnell's model, imaginal interweaves are people who have one or all of the following qualities:

• Powerful
• Nurturing
• Wise

• Examples of Imaginal Interweaves:
• Powerful: Your favorite superhero, a person you know and admire who overcame adversity, a character from a movie like Atticus Finch from "To Kill a Mockingbird" or whoever feel powerful to you ("powerful" is whatever it means to you).
• Nurturing: A close friend, a loved one, a mentor, a coach, a favorite aunt, or a character from a TV program
• Wise: Your favorite teacher or mentor, a wise uncle, a friend, a spiritual leader, Dumbledore from Harry Potter

As I discussed in an earlier article about imaginal interweaves, most of the time, interweaves are used in trauma therapy when clients get stuck while processing a traumatic memory.

But imaginal interweaves can also be used whenever you feel you need to empower yourself, including the current pandemic crisis.

• Imaginal interweaves help to: 
• integrate memory networks
• differentiate memory networks
• provide a creative and coherent narrative
• create a broader perspective
• provide a counterbalance to negative imagination

In My Next Article:

Using positive imagination to cope is a big topic, and one blog article isn't enough to cover it sufficiently, so I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see Part 2 of this topic).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, you're not alone.  

Fear, anxiety and grief are all common reactions to the current crisis.

Many therapists, including me, are using online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) to help clients during the current crisis when clients cannot be seen in person (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy).

Rather than struggling on your own, getting help from a licensed psychotherapist can make all the difference between feeling overwhelmed and having a sense of well-being (see my article: The Importance of Getting Emotional Support During a Crisis).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing therapist and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy while I'm out of the office.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Idealized Heroes Falter

As a psychotherapist in New York City, who is a trauma specialist, I often hear from adult clients how disappointing it was for them as children, and even as adults, when their idealized heroes faltered.

When Idealized Heroes Falter

This topic often comes up when I'm preparing a client to do attachment-related EMDR therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain), and it's an opportunity to work through these issues.

As part of the preparation, I help clients to imagine a safe or relaxing place.  I also ask clients to come up with three people (real or imagined) who embody the qualities of being powerful, nurturing and wise.  I also offer the possibility, if they prefer, to name one person who embodies all of these qualities.

This is the resourcing part of the preparation phase of EMDR, and the three real or imagined people are used later on in EMDR processing, if necessary, as imaginal interweaves (as developed by EMDR expert, Laurel Parnell, Ph.D.).

Specifically, during the processing phase of EMDR, clients might run into difficulty and need to imagine one or more of the qualities embodied by these people to get through a difficult part of the trauma work.  Often these interweaves aren't needed if the processing of the trauma is going smoothly, but it's good to have them already set up before the processing of the trauma begins.

Depending upon their traumatic history, some clients struggle to come up with real or imagined people and I help them to come up with people who are meaningful in their lives either in the present or in the past.

It's often at that point that clients will talk about idealized heroes that disappointed them at some point in their lives, especially as children.

Sometimes, if these clients didn't process these disappointments with anyone before, their perspective about their disappointment can remain childlike, which is understandable because it's as if the disappointment is frozen in time.

At that point, it can helpful for a psychotherapist to help the client to develop an adult perspective about the former idealized hero who faltered, one that includes empathy and compassion if that's possible (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: When Idealized Heroes Falter
The following fictional vignette illustrates how an adult client in therapy can come to terms with his his disappointment about an idealized hero from his childhood:

Tom
Tom was in his early 40s when he began attending psychotherapy to deal with a traumatic history of emotional abuse.  He said he never thought he would come to therapy, but he realized that his history of emotional abuse was getting in the way of his having a relationship and he couldn't ignore it anymore.

After the initial consultation and sessions about his family history, the therapist explained EMDR therapy to Tom, including the various phases of EMDR.  They began the resourcing phase, which included coming up with a relaxing place and the three imaginal interweaves mentioned above (wise, nurturing and powerful people who are either real or imagined).

Since Tom experienced childhood emotional abuse by his father, it wasn't surprising that he had problems coming up with the imaginal interweaves because his whole world had been turned upside down by the emotional abuse.  The therapist told Tom that they could forgo this part of the preparation if he preferred, but Tom said he wanted to do this part and he would think about it between therapy sessions.

When he returned for his next psychotherapy session, Tom told his therapist that he remembered something that he hadn't thought of in a long time:  His disappointment in a neighbor, Jim, who was someone that Tom looked up to as a child and who was a friend and a hero to him.

Tom said that Jim lived with his wife in the same apartment building in Brooklyn where Tom and his family lived.  Jim was a mechanic and he had his own business a few blocks away from the apartment house.  He and his wife had no children of their own, but all the children in the neighborhood who knew Jim liked him.

On his days off, Jim would coach Little League games.  He was also active in the community, and he was instrumental in helping to set up the Police Athlete League (PAL) in Tom's neighborhood so the children had a place to play and learn.

The times that Tom liked best was when he and Jim would sit on the stoop to talk.  Tom felt he could talk to Jim about almost anything.  They would spend hours sitting on the stoop talking about sports, school, homework or whatever topic came up.

Tom never confided in Jim about how emotionally abusive his father was, but Tom sensed that Jim knew and that he was compassionate towards Tom and tried to be emotionally supportive.

Jim also talked about how when he was 18, he joined the Marines to get away from a difficult home life.  Afterwards, he said, he trained to be a car mechanic, met the woman who would eventually become his wife, and opened his own business with a partner.

Tom told his psychotherapist that from that day on Jim became his hero, and listening to Jim speak gave Tom hope that one day he would overcome his current circumstances at home.  It was at that point that Tom began talking to Jim about what he might want to do when he grew up.  It was the first time that Tom ever allowed himself to think he might be happy in the future.

Tom's friendship with Jim continued from the time Tom was in elementary school until he graduated high school.  It was Jim who encouraged Tom to participate in sports in high school and to apply to colleges.

Then, one day, when Tom came home on Spring break from college and he went to visit Jim, Jim's wife opened the door and told Tom that Jim wasn't there.  When Tom asked her where he was, she told Tom to come in and sit down.

After they sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity to Tom, Jim's wife lowered her eyes and told Tom that Jim was incarcerated for embezzling money from the business that he and his partner owned.  His partner pressed charges, and Jim admitted that he took the money.

When she raised her eyes, she could see that Tom was shocked and she said, "I know you idolized Jim.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I thought it would be better for you to hear it from me."

He remembered that after she told him about Jim's incarceration, all he could say was, "But why?  Why did he do it?"

"There's no excuse for it, Tom," she said, "We were going through hard times financially.  After he was caught, he told me that he did it and planned to pay back every penny that he took, but he was caught before he could do that.  I can't believe it myself. It's so out of character for Jim."

Tom told his psychotherapist that prior to going home on Spring break, he had been out of touch with Jim for a few months, so he knew nothing about this until Jim's wife told him.  After he got over the shock, he felt deeply angry with Jim.

He thought about all the times that Jim talked to Tom about honesty and integrity.  After he heard what Jim did, all he could think was that Jim was a hypocrite and he was foolish for ever befriending Jim and believing in him.

He told his psychotherapist, "He was my hero.  He would have been the one that I would have chosen as a 'powerful' person, if he didn't end up going to prison.  After I found out what happened, I didn't make an attempt to ever reach out to him again."

Tom's psychotherapist could tell that, even though Tom was in his early 40s, he was stuck. His reaction to Jim was coming from his adolescent self and not his adult self.

They spent several sessions talking about how disappointed Tom was in Jim, and how he never saw Jim again, even after he got out of prison.  Eventually, Jim and his wife moved out of the neighborhood and Tom had no idea where they went.

Over the course of the next several sessions, Tom continued to talk about his feelings, and he mentioned that he was also having dreams about Jim.  His psychotherapist helped Tom to see that anger towards Jim covered over his deep sadness and disappointment (see my article: Discovering That Sadness is Often Hidden Underneath Anger).

Gradually, Tom began to see that, although what Jim did was wrong, Jim was human and he made a mistake.  He also realized that Jim never meant to hurt anyone and he must have been desperate to steal the money from his partner, even if he planned to pay it back, as his wife said.

Tom began looking at his relationship with Jim from an adult perspective.  His attitude towards Jim softened, and he was able to see that, even though Jim made a mistake that he paid for by going to prison, Jim helped him in many ways.  He realized that he probably wouldn't have studied as hard and gone to college if it hadn't been for Jim.  He also realized that Jim fulfilled an important role in his life at a crucial time, and he was grateful for that.

With that, Tom and his therapist were able to go on to complete the preparation phase of EMDR and process his childhood trauma of being emotionally abused by his father.

Eventually, Tom found out where Jim and his wife lived and sent Jim a letter expressing his gratitude for all that Jim had done for him when he was a child.  A few weeks after that, Jim invited Tom over to reconcile their friendship.

Tom could see that Jim had aged a lot since he last saw him more than 20 years ago, but he still had the same warm smile.

Jim acknowledged to Tom that he was wrong for stealing the money, regardless of his financial circumstances.  He also apologized to Tom for disappointing him.   Jim told him that when he was in prison, he often thought about Tom and some of the other children in the neighborhood, and he knew that he let them down.

Tom could tell that Jim was deeply affected by their reconciliation, and Tom felt the last vestiges of his anger slipping away.

Conclusion
People who are idealized heroes in our lives are human and have flaws, just like anyone else.

Even comic book superheroes have flaws: Clark Kent, who was Superman in the comics, comes to mind with regard to his powerlessness around kryptonite.  Despite his courage and superhuman  abilities, deep down he felt like an outsider because he was an orphan.  Those were feelings that he kept to himself.

Coming to terms with the faltering of an idealized hero can be difficult for a child, and it can even be difficult for an adult looking back on his experiences with a hero.

Parents can talk to a child about mistakes that the child made as a way to help the child to see the humanity in the child's hero.  But when there's no one for a child to process these feelings with, these feelings often remain frozen and somewhat childlike.

With the help of a psychotherapist, a client can look back on his disappointment that his hero faltered and learn to develop empathy and compassion.  He can also learn that it's not an all-or-nothing experience, and he can still appreciate and be grateful for all that was positive in their relationship (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychotherapy can help you to work through traumatic experiences from your past so that you can free yourself from the trauma in your history (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to overcome a traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 2: Clinical Issues

In Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 1, I began discussing some of the basic ways that psychotherapists can empower clients in therapy.  In this article, I'll discuss clinical issues involved with empowering clients.

Empowering Clients in Therapy

Empowering Clients Clinically 
Empowering clients clinically is often one of the goals of therapy.

There are many ways to do this in therapy--too many to write about in one article.  So, I'll focus on how I do this using EMDR therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (see my articles:  What is EMDR?, How Does EMDR Work? Part 1: EMDR and the Brain and How Does EMDR Work? Part 2: Overcoming Trauma).

Many of the clinical strategies that I'm about to describe are used in other times of therapy.  The ones that I've chosen are the ones that I've often found to be most effective.

Helping Clients to Develop Internal Resources
What are internal resources? See my article:  Psychotherapy: Developing Internal Resources).

On the most basic level, internal resources are coping strategies.

Most people have developed some coping strategies just to survive, but it's useful to develop new internal resources that help clients to go beyond just surviving.  This is especially true when clients are about to begin processing traumatic emotional experiences in therapy.

Before processing traumatic experiences, I help clients to develop internal resources that they can use to calm and soothe themselves in session as well as between sessions.

A Safe or Relaxing Place:
Being able to close your eyes and to see in your mind's eye a relaxing place provides a respite from difficult material in therapy or at any time when you're feeling anxious or uncomfortable (see my article: Wellness: Safe or Relaxing Place Meditation).

Empowering Clients in Therapy:  A Safe or Relaxing Place

It helps you to breathe more easily and decide if you want to resume processing a traumatic memory or if you want to take a break in the therapy session.

Butterfly Taps:
This is a resource that I learned in training with Laurel Parnell, Ph.D., who is a world-renown expert, based in California, in EMDR therapy.  It's another resource that clients can use either in session or between sessions.

To do butterfly taps, you place your right hand on your left upper arm and your left hand on your right upper arm (so arms are crossed) and you alternate taps rhythmically at a speed that feels comfortable for you.  The tapping is soothing and helps you to calm down.

Interweaves
Using interweaves is another resource that I learned from Laurel Parnell, Ph.D.

Most of the time, interweaves are used in EMDR when clients feel stuck in the processing of traumatic material.

Interweaves help to:

• integrate memory networks
• differentiate memory networks
• create a coherent narrative
• create a broader perspective

To determine which interweave would be best to use, the therapist asks the client what s/he needs at that moment.   The client is usually the best judge of what s/he needs.

Sometimes, when clients are stuck, they're not sure what they need at that moment, so the therapist, being attuned to the client, can different suggestions to see if any of them resonate with the client.

There are many different types of interweaves, including imagining:

• nurturing figures
• protector figures
• inner wisdom figures
• other types of figures that the client feels would be helpful

The reason why resource interweaves are developed before the actual processing of the trauma memory is that the therapist wants the client to have these interweaves in mind if the processing becomes difficult.

Empowering Clients in Therapy:  Resource Interweaves:  A Protector Figure

In case the client gets stuck, s/he can use the resource interweave to get the therapeutic work back on track.

So, for instance, if a client is processing a memory using EMDR therapy about childhood physical abuse and she feels stuck because she is in touch with her "child self" and she feels frightened by the person who abused her, she can call on a protector figure in her mind to imagine that person protecting her in the situation.

This protector figure can be someone real (someone from the past or the present) or imagined (from a movie, TV program, book, and so on).  The protector figure could also be the client's "adult self" who helps his or her "child self" in the client's mind's eye.

The "Ideal Mother" Interweave
Another example of an imaginal interweave is imagining an ideal mother who is loving, attuned, soothing and protective as well as powerful (or whatever qualities a client would need in an ideal mother).

An ideal mother is usually the type of mother that the client wishes s/he had.  If the client feels stuck in processing a traumatic memory, s/he can imagine an ideal mother with all the attributes that s/he wished she had.

Like all of these resources, they can be used even if the client isn't in EMDR therapy.

Empowering Clients in Therapy:  Imaginal Interweave:  Ideal Mother 

If you haven't experienced using imaginal interweaves, they might sound silly, fantastic or unrealistic.  But most clients feel soothed by the ideal mother and it "makes sense" to the emotional part of the brain.   In effect, it creates a new symbolic memory in the emotional part of the brain (see my article:  Healing Trauma With New Symbolic Memories).

It doesn't effect narrative/biographical memory which, of course, knows who the actual mother was when the client was a child.

Sometimes, clients feel guilty imagining an ideal mother because they feel that they're being disloyal to their actual mother.  In that case, a client can imagine that the ideal mother is a co-mother, as Laurel Parnell suggests.

There are times when clients feel enmeshed with their parents and the idea of imagining an ideal mother feels like they're abandoning their actual mother, so they can imagine giving their actual mothers an ideal mother as well.

This can also be used for earlier generations so that the client can imagine that the grandmother had an ideal mother so that the grandmother could have been nurturing to the mother and mother could have been nurturing to the client.

Most clients respond very well to imaginal resources, but there are some clients who say, "But I know that I didn't have an ideal mother," to which I respond, "Try suspending disbelief and see how it feels." Almost always, if the client can suspend disbelief, s/he feels relieved by the imaginal resource and the work gets back on track.

What Does the Client Need?
Everyone is different.  The particular client's needs determine the type of clinical intervention used to empower him or her.

Sometimes, clients come up with their own resources.

They might use art work, prose, poetry, dance or some other creative endeavor to empower themselves.

Empowering Clients in Therapy:  Keeping a Journal Between Sessions

Many clients find journal writing to be empowering and an important bridge between sessions, and this is something that I recommend.

The possibilities are endless.

Empowering Clients in Therapy
People often come to therapy because they're feeling disempowered in one way or another in their lives--either due to their history, their current situations or some combination of both.

When the client is assisted in therapy to be more empowered, the client usually feels better able to tackle problems, overcome traumatic memories and have a sense of a hopeful future.

Discovering that they had the power within themselves all along is one of the best discoveries that a client can make in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've been on the fence about starting therapy, you're not alone.

If your own efforts to overcome your problems haven't worked out for you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional whose priority is helping to empower clients.

When you find a skilled and empathic therapist who is a good match for you, you might be surprised to discover the progress that you can make in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.