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As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often meet with people in long term relationships where one person has a vibrant sense of aliveness and the other is more reserved.
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| Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships |
The livelier individual might have initially chosen the more reserved person because they represented safety and stability. This is especially true if the livelier person had a traumatic family background where there was a lot of instability in their family.
However, as time passes in their relationship and their life has stabilized together, the livelier individual's needs for stability has been satisfied and, as the years go by, this individual might yearn for their partner to be more alive and open to new experiences.
This situation is more likely to happen as the couple ages and the livelier partner realizes that time is passing. At that point, they might wonder, "Is this all there is to life?" and yearn for more from their partner and their relationship.
Yearning for more aliveness in their relationship, they might push the more reserved partner to be more exploratory to move out of their comfort zone.
For some reserved partners, all they need is a little encouragement and they can move out of their comfort zone and open up to new experiences. But many others remain stuck in their ways and their partner becomes increasingly dissatisfied over the years.
At that point, this couple might find themselves in my office with the livelier partner feeling resentful that their more reserved partner isn't meeting their current needs, and the reserved partner wondering why the status quo no longer satisfies the livelier partner.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates this kind of mismatch and how couples therapy can help:
Cathy and Jack
Cathy and Jack were both in their early 60s, married for over 30 years and retired from successful careers. Their two adult children had long since moved away to other parts of the country.
Cathy was the one who initiated contact for couples therapy and Jack came somewhat reluctantly. When she talked about her family history, she described a chaotic family where, despite both parents having full time jobs, they were barely able to make ends meet. They were constantly getting eviction notices and there often wasn't enough food to eat.
Due to their dire circumstances, Cathy knew from a young age she couldn't ask for new clothes or a new toy. She usually got hand-me-down clothes from her older siblings that was often too big, so she felt ashamed when she went to school with ill-fitting clothes.
More importantly, Cathy's parents were so overwhelmed by their dire circumstances that they were too exhausted to be nurturing towards their children.
Jack's family history was very different. His parents were both successful professionals and the family lived in an upper middle class suburb. Although they appeared to be a happy family on the outside, there was emotional turmoil behind closed doors. The family secret that created the turmoil was Jack's father's drinking.
Although he was regarded as a pillar in the community, Jack's father was a severe alcoholic behind closed doors. When he wasn't drinking, he could be a loving and engaged father with Jack, but as his drinking got worse over time, Jack's mother was frightened of her husband's drinking and she became increasingly passive as the years went by. So, Jack couldn't rely on either of his parents for nurturance and emotional support.
Jack never knew what to expect, so he learned to suppress his own emotional needs and became the golden child who always got excellent grades and tried to please his parents in every way he could.
Initially, when they met, Cathy admired how safe she felt with Jack. She knew she could rely on him through thick and thin--something she had never experienced in her chaotic family. Jack also admired Cathy's lively energy and how good he felt around her.
Their relationship went smoothly during the early years of their marriage, but as they approached retirement, Cathy felt increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship. She was acutely aware that the relationship felt stale. She wanted to travel more and experience as much of life as she could while they were both still in good health. But Jack preferred to stay home and maintain the same routine he had all of his adult life.
Not only did their existence feel monotonous to Cathy, but she grieved for their sex life which had been nonexistent for many years. For his part, Jack couldn't understand why Cathy felt so unhappy now. He wanted the two of them to get old together and he didn't mind if that meant sitting on their porch rocking chairs every day.
After Cathy gave Jack an ultimatum that either they get help in couples therapy or she would initiate divorce proceedings, Jack was shaken. Even though he had refused to attend couples therapy for years, he agreed to go at this point because he didn't want to lose Cathy.
Their couples therapist helped each of them to understand how their family backgrounds contributed to their personality development.
Jack survived emotionally in his family by always being a "good boy" and never making waves. As Jack came to realize in his couples therapy, this meant the suppression of his personality. Keeping his head down and just getting through the day with his alcoholic father and passive mother became his unconscious survival strategy which continued into his adulthood--even though the danger was over and this survival strategy had outlived its usefulness.
Cathy survived emotionally in her family by suppressing her emotional needs and never allowing herself to want anything. She knew it would be hurtful to her parents if she expressed a desire for things they couldn't possibly give her so she developed her unconscious survival strategy of never asking for anything for herself--even during the early years of her marriage when she and her husband were financially successful.
As they approached retirement, Cathy began to wonder what she might be missing in her life. Her best friend, Sara, was already enjoying her retirement years with her husband--traveling, taking new classes and exploring new ideas. Sara had even hinted to Cathy that she and her husband were having the best sex of their lives now that they had more time together without the stress of their careers.
When Cathy tried to talk to Jack about feeling bored and wanting to travel, he scoffed and dismissed her. Initially, she didn't have the courage to talk to Jack about reviving their sex life.
Once Cathy and Jack learned to improve their communication by breaking the negative cycle in their relationship, the next step was focusing on how to enliven their relationship.
Taking steps to enliven their relationship was exciting for Cathy, but it was frightening for Jack. He had spent most of his adult life suppressing his emotions as if he was still living at home with his alcoholic father. He didn't know if he could even allow himself to feel more alive.
During their couples therapy, Cathy learned to stop pressuring and criticizing Jack to be more alive because she realized that her pressure only made him withdraw more.
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| Creating Aliveness in Long Term Relationships |
Without the pressure, Jack and Cathy began to cultivate low-pressure aliveness: walks in nature, traveling and taking language classes together. Over time, Jack even agreed to take ballroom dance classes with Cathy which surprised both of them.
To revive their sex life, their couples therapist, who was also a certified sex therapist, asked them to start with nonsexual touch exercises called Sensate Focus where they started with the simple touch of hands, arms and other nonsexual areas of the body and progressed to more erotic touch over time.
Gradually, their sex life came alive in ways they both enjoyed.
Conclusion
In couples sex therapy, the therapist gets full histories of family, relationship and sexual dynamics to understand the origin of the problems.
Individuals who come from impoverished backgrounds often unconsciously choose safety over aliveness initially in their relationship without even realizing it.
Individuals who come from families where there are dysfunctional dynamics, which include might include alcohol or drug abuse, often learn to be reserved to the point of suppressing aliveness.
What was once important in a relationship can change over time, especially as a couple ages and they consider what is important in life at a certain stage of their life.
An awareness that time is passing and that there won't be as much time to enjoy life as there had been earlier in their relationship can lead to a reassessment of what each of them wants in life.
Couples therapy with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help revive a couple to revive aliveness, including reviving their sex life, so that their relationship can be satisfying for both partners.
Get Help in Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples and sex therapist.
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| Get Help in Couples Therapy |
If your problems include sexual issues, make sure your couples therapist is a certified sex therapist (most couples therapist aren't trained to work with sexual problems).
By getting help in couples therapy, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS, Somatic Experiencing and certified sex therapist.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
I provide a 10-15 minute phone call prior to setting up an appointment.
You can reach me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.
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