How to Develop Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase of a relationship is also known as the limerence phase.  I'll use both terms, honeymoon phase and limerence phase, interchangeably throughout this article.

Developing Your Relationships Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

I've discussed this early stage of a relationship in prior articles:

What is the Limerence Phase of a Relationship?

Romantic Attractions: What Are the Three Stages of the Limerence Phase?

Can Limerence Turn Into Love?

Transitioning From the Honeymoon to the Post-Honeymoon Phase in a Relationship

Many couples have difficulty maintaining a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase. 

In the current article, I'm addressing how to develop a relationship that lasts beyond this early phase and what to do if you're struggling.

As I've mentioned in earlier articles, the honeymoon phase is a time when you and your partner idealize each other. 

Developing Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

The honeymoon phase is a state of mind where you're infatuated or obsessed with someone. It's usually an involuntary state in terms of how you feel.

Depending upon the individuals and the circumstances involved, the honeymoon phase can be a time of euphoria or a time of despair. 

You might feel euphoric if you and the person you're infatuated with both feel the same way and you're focused on the areas where you're compatible. Or, you might feel despair if the person you're infatuated with is unavailable to you.

Generally, the honeymoon phase lasts anywhere from a few months to a couple of years and, as I discussed in a prior article, there are three subphases:

• Infatuation Phase: The most idealized phase at the very beginning of the relationship.

• Crystallization Phase: The idealization phase begins to fade and a more realistic perspective develops.

• Deterioration of the Honeymoon Phase: Idealization fades, signs of differences begin to emerge and the couple needs to decide whether they want to work on the challenges that come up during this phase or if they want to end the relationship.

How Can a Couple Navigate Past the End of the Honeymoon Phase?

Inevitably, you and your partner are going to discover that you're not compatible in every single area.  

Developing Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

You both might be reluctant to acknowledge this especially if the honeymoon phase was so gratifying. But if you want to remain in the relationship and the incompatibilities aren't dealbreakers, you can find a way to transition to the post honeymoon phase.

Here are the most common issues after the end of the honeymoon phase:

• You and your partner might discover over time that the incompatibilities between you make you feel frustrated, annoyed and disappointed. You each might feel you didn't see this coming and it's not what you signed up for at the beginning of the relationship.

• Once you discover these incompatibilities, you might feel resentful that you should even have to deal with them.

• If the incompatibilities aren't dealbreakers for either of you and you both want to remain in the relationship despite your differences, you can develop relationship skills, including negotiating skills, to deal with these differences and continue to enjoy the areas where you're compatible.

Both you and your partner have to be willing to work out these incompatibilities while you're transitioning from the honeymoon to the post honeymoon phase. 

This transition can be anxiety provoking because you might not know the fate of your relationship while you're in the middle of transitioning.  So, it takes a real commitment to try to work through these issues because there's uncertainty as to whether they can be worked out.

What Other Factors Might Impact Your Relationship?

In addition to discovering your incompatibilities, you might experience other factors that have an impact on your relationship:

• Work stress
• Family stress
• Financial stress
• Boredom
• Other demands on your time and attention that can erode your bond

Tips For Transitioning from the Honeymoon to the Post Honeymoon Phase

Here are some tips that can help you through this transition:

• Recognize and Accept that the Honeymoon Phase is Temporary: Even though the honeymoon phase can be an exhilarating time, be aware that it's temporary. If you don't accept that it's temporary, you might think there's something wrong with your relationship. If you think the post honeymoon phase indicates something is wrong, you might find yourself continually looking for new relationships each time your current relationship enters into the post honeymoon phase.

Developing Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

• Prioritize Each Other and Have New Experiences: Even though you have transitioned from casual dating to a committed relationship, you and your partner can continue to enjoy your relationship by:

• Making each other the priority
• Having new experiences
• Keeping an open mind
• Taking risks

• Be Open to Getting to Know New Things About Each Other: There are still a lot of things you probably don't know about each other. So, being open to exploring things you haven't discovered yet helps to keep the relationship alive and interesting.

• Share New Experiences: Maintain an open line of communication by communicating with each other about new experiences, new discoveries, new ideas and your feelings about what's important to you.

Developing Your Relationship Beyond the Honeymoon Phase

• Be Willing to Talk About Tough Topics: Instead of avoiding tough topics, talk about them openly. These topics might include:

• Cultural issues like religion, family traditions and so on
• Finances
• Whether or not to have children
• Where you want to live
• Other topics that are important to one or both of you

• Communicate in a Healthy Way: Communicate your differences in a healthy way. In other words, arguments are normal, but you need to be able to disagree while still respecting your partner's right to have different opinions. Instead of fighting against one another, learn to come together to tackle the problems between you.

            See my articles: 

• How to Stop Unhealthy Arguments in Your Relationship
• 
  
• Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

When to Seek Help in Couples Therapy

Even though a couple might want to form a lasting bond, one or both partners might not have the necessary relationship skills to do it.

Seeking Help in Couples Therapy

This might mean that you didn't grow up in a family environment where you saw a healthy relationship between your parents. 

It could also mean that you never remained in a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase, so you're unfamiliar with the post honeymoon phase and you continually seek the excitement of that early phase.

For a variety of reasons, you and your partner might have difficulty developing a lasting bond that goes beyond the early stage of the romance, so you might need help.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary skills to successfully navigate the challenges in the post honeymoon phase. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples: EFT?)

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many couples to overcome emotional, relational and sexual challenges in their relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

Dating: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: Take Time to Self Reflect

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

Moving On When There's No Slow Burn

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to deal with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.