Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Sexlessness is common in many long term relationships according to relationship experts Stephen A. Mitchell, who wrote Can Love Last? and Esther Perel, who wrote Mating in Captivity (see my article: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

Dr. Mitchell indicates that the need for absolute emotional safety often deadens eroticism in long term relationships (see my article: Overcoming Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

Many people unconsciously create such emotionally secure relationships that the comfort and safety come at the expense of the couple's sex life (see my article: The Erotic Equation: Attraction + Obstacles Equals Sexual Excitement).

The unintended consequences are that they create a dull and lifeless sex life because their partner becomes more like a parent or sibling, which makes sex unappealing to say the least.

Balancing Emotional Security and Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

One of the scenarios in Dr. Mitchell's book, Can Love Last?, illustrates how someone in a long term relationship can unconsciously create a dull sex life.

Susan needed and expected her husband to dote on her. But she also complained in her therapy sessions that all of her husband's doting, which she insisted upon, was anti-erotic.  At the same time, she carried on a passionate sexual affair with a younger man whom she described as sexually exciting.

Susan was unaware that she was unconsciously creating an anti-erotic environment at home with her husband due to her need for his doting care and she was relegating her erotic needs to the man with whom she was having a secret affair.

As she became aware in therapy of how she was orchestrating the dullness in her marriage and the sexual excitement in her affair, she also became aware of how sexually guarded she was with her husband and how free she felt in her affair.  

Once she realized how she had been unknowingly creating these situations with the two men in her life, she talked to her husband about making changes in their sex life.  

This allowed her to be more sexually adventurous with her husband when they went away for a weekend.  Instead of relegating her erotic feelings to her affair, she allowed herself to be more erotically authentic in her marriage (see my article: What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

How Sex Therapy Helps Couples to Rekindle Their Sex Life

Sex therapy can help low-sex or no-sex couples to see how they might have unconsciously created erotic dullness in their relationship in order to feel their relationship is predictable and safe (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Security vs Eroticism in Long Term Relationships

People in long term relationships often want to feel their partner is completely knowable and predictable.  However, in reality, there are always parts of yourself and your partner that are yet to be discovered.

When couples strive to create an atmosphere of absolute predictability and permanence in their relationship, they can unknowingly create the unintended deadness in their sex life.  

Sex therapy helps couples to recognize the unconscious dynamic they have created so they are freer to explore their sexuality and create a more erotic dynamic.  

This doesn't mean they no longer experience emotional security in their relationship. Instead, it means they learn to balance the need for security with a fulfilling sex life (see my article: To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy.

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

People come to sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues in Sex Therapy?).

Whether you're single or in any type of relationship, if you want a more fulfilling sex life, seek help from a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Falling In Love With Love: Have You Rushed Into a Relationship Too Quickly?

One of the main reasons why people often feel disappointed in love is that they've rushed into a relationship before they really knew their partner.  This is often called "falling in love with love" (see my article:  Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

Falling In Love With Love

Early on, before you know the other person, you might be tempted to "fill in the blanks" with romantic fantasies about who this person is before you've taken the time to get to know him or her, especially when there's a strong sexual attraction or when you've missed being in a relationship for a while.

These romantic fantasies are often unconscious, so you might not even realize that you're creating "castles in the sky" until you're hit with a reality that's completely different from your fantasy.

At that point, rather than coming to grips with the fact that they've created this fantasy in their mind, many people feel disillusioned.

There's no doubt that, in addition to fantasies, potential romantic partners sometimes present themselves as being different from who they really are.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed:

Mary
When Mary met Bill, she had been very lonely for a while.  She had been out of her prior relationship with her fiancé, John, for two years.

Mary and John, had been together for several years, starting in their senior year of college, and they planned to get married.  But, several weeks before the wedding, John ended the relationship abruptly, telling Mary that he wasn't ready to get married.  Mary was devastated.

A year after the breakup, Mary decided, somewhat reluctantly, to start dating again.  She dated many men that she met online, but her experiences were mostly disappointing, and she began to worry that he might not meet anyone else that she liked.

Then, Mary met Bill at a friend's party, and they hit it off immediately.  From the evening they met, they spent most of their time together.  After a couple of months, Mary began fantasizing about getting married to Bill, who was so handsome and charming.  She couldn't believe how happy she felt, especially after she spent so much time feeling lonely and disappointed after the breakup with John.

So, two months after they met, when Bill told her that his lease would be up soon and he suggested that they move in together, Mary was delighted to invite Bill to move into her apartment.   Mary's best friend told Mary that she thought it was too soon to move in together.  But Mary was sure that it felt right, so she helped Bill to move in with her a few weeks later.

At first, Mary and Bill were thrilled to be living together.  Mary was convinced, at that point, that they would probably get married within the next year or so.

But after a few weeks, Mary noticed something that concerned her.  She began to see Bill's mail from collection agencies.  When she asked him about it, he brushed it off at first.  But when Mary persisted, Bill admitted that he owed over $100,000 in credit card debt, and he also owed the IRS another $25,000 in unpaid taxes.  Then, he admitted to her that he expected to have his paycheck garnished and he wouldn't be able to pay his half of the rent.

Mary was shocked, angry and deeply disappointed that Bill had never mentioned this to her before.  It was obvious that he knew about the upcoming garnishments before he moved in with her, and he also knew that he wouldn't be able to contribute to the rent.  But he didn't bother to tell her.  She also felt manipulated.

When Mary demanded to know why Bill didn't tell her beforehand about his financial problems, Bill told her that she was being insensitive to his needs.  From his perspective, he was under a lot of stress and Mary was making it even more stressful for him by making demands of him.  He told her to get off his back.

Mary couldn't believe that Bill, who, until recently, had been so kind and loving towards her was now treating her in this way.  She kept thinking to herself, "Who is this man?" and "How can this be the same person that I fell in love with?"

After that, Mary felt herself slipping into a depression.  She and Bill co-existed in the same apartment, but they barely spoke to one another.  When she tried to talk to Bill, he ignored her.  She knew he was avoiding her.  He stayed out late at night and he was hardly around on the weekend.

Mary wondered whether he had started seeing someone new.  So, one night when he wasn't around, she checked his email and found explicit, sexually charged emails, including photos, between Bill and an older woman.  Mary realized that Bill and this other woman were having a sexual affair.

As Mary continued to read the emails between Bill and this other woman, she began to feel dizzy.  She discovered that this woman was encouraging Bill to move in with her.  This woman also offered to take care of Bill's financial problems.

When Mary confronted Bill about the emails, he told her that he didn't love her any more, and he planned to move in with the other woman.  He didn't apologize or allow for any discussion.  Within a few days, he was gone.

After that, Mary began therapy to try to pick up the pieces of her life and to try to understand why she had such a hard time with her past two relationships.

As Mary began working through these issues in therapy, she realized that, even though they had dated for a few years, there had been "red flags" all along about John that she ignored. She also realized that she had never worked through her grief about this breakup.  Her unresolved grief and disappointment about her relationship with John helped to fuel her romantic fantasies about Bill, whom she didn't really know well before she got into a relationship with him.

Although the work was difficult at times, Mary learned to take her time to date men before she rushed into defining their status as being "in a relationship."

She learned to tolerate the ambiguity and doubt that comes with the early stages of dating until she could really get to know someone.

After dating the next man, that she liked, Vince, for a year, she and he agreed that they wanted to take things to the next level, a monogamous relationship.  Then, once again, she took her time to get to know Vince, making sure that she didn't ignore any potential "red flags," she and Vince moved in together after another year.  At that point, Mary and Vince had a happy, stable relationship.

Getting to Know Someone Before You Rush Into a Relationship
In life, none of us can avoid getting our feelings hurt or experiencing disappointment.  This is, unfortunately, a part of life.

But no one wants to go through the type of heartbreak that Mary went through in the fictionalized vignette above.

With self awareness and a degree of forethought, you can avoiding rushing into a relationship before you know the other person.

No doubt, there will be things that you'll learn about him or her after you've moved in together or gotten married.  But, hopefully, they won't be the kind of relationship-destroying things that Mary discovered after she really got to know Bill.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you have a tendency to get romantically involved too quickly, only to be heartbroken afterwards, you might have underlying issues that make getting involved too quickly so compelling for you.

If you've tried on your own, without success, to work through these issues, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people with unresolved trauma and relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Relationships: Are You In Love With Him or Your Fantasy of Him?
Is It Love or Infatuation?
Fear of Falling In Love and Getting Hurt Again
Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots
Relationships: Confusing Sexual Attraction and Love
Falling In Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again
Relationships: I'll Change Him (or Her) After We Get Married